Feelings for my friends ex-girlfriend.

[aaforever]

So I here I am stuck in another puzzle.

 

One of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend. We’d always get a long great when we’d hang out, we’re from the same region, same nationality, same sense of humor, same age (early 30’s) we always naturally gravitated towards each other. It was always casual though. We’d hang out every once in a blue moon and grab food together. We’ve done this on a few occasions both when I was in a relationship and when I was out of one. My friend was fully aware of this. I considered her a friend and honestly never thought anything of it more than that. Although, I always knew in the back of my mind she was definitely the type of girl I’d be compatible with. Not her particularly, but her type…and that’s how I always looked at it. I never looked at it like SHE would be great for me... until last night.

 

Her birthday was the other day, so I texted her happy birthday. She said ‘We need go out for drinks one night and catch up!’ I said ‘Absolutely!’

We meet up last night. She asked me if I wanted to come by her house first and see her dog. She said ‘He misses you!’ I said ‘Sure. I’ll pick you up.’

This was the first I’ve seen her since her breakup. We go out for pizza. We start to get on the topic of relationships. Apparently, my friend has been cheating on her for the past year and a half. She gave him chance after chance and ended up finally breaking it off. I had no clue and was shocked.

We then started talking about how we’re both just looking for someone genuine and down to earth. Someone who’s not going to play any games and genuinely wants to be with us. We also got on the subject about how different people are here vs. where we’re from and how there’s a different sense of comfort being around people from back home that we don’t get to experience out here. I told her I was considering moving back closer to that area because of it.

 

She said, ‘Don’t move yet.’

I said, ‘I feel like I’m in limbo out here and I know I’m not going to meet anyone like that out here. I stopped dating because of it.’

I then made the point, ‘It’s not that I NEED to be with someone, I just feel like I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish out here and now that it’s just me it’s boring. I’d rather have a companion. Otherwise I want to experience a new city while I’m not tied down.’

She said ‘I want a compannion too. I get it’

She went on to say she ‘has such a big heart to give someone.’ It was funny because I feel the same way about myself. Without me saying it she said to me ‘…and I can tell you have a big heart as well.'

There was kind of a moment where I looked at her and something inside told me ‘dude, she’s right in front of you. this is what you’ve been looking for.’

But then I rejected it because it’s my friends ex. I just didn’t feel right about it.

I even said to her at one point ‘You think it’s even ok we’re hanging out now that we’re both single?’

She said, ‘Yea why not?’

I said, ‘I don’t know I feel like (my friend) wouldn’t like it now for some reason.’

She said ‘It’s not like I’m hanging out with ‘so and so’ (referring to one of his other friends who is a huge player).’

I said ‘Yea that’s true.’

She said ‘Honestly I think he’d be happy we are hanging out. He knows what kind of guy you are, I genuinely think he’d be happy. And I don’t care what he thinks anyway.’

 

We stayed out a bit longer and she made it a point to tell me ‘We need to hang out more.’ I said ‘Absolutely.’ I really started to feel like she might be attracted to me but I couldn’t really tell if maybe I was reading it wrong and it was more of just a friend thing. I asked if she was dating anyone. She said there’s a guy she’s been seeing at her job but it hasn’t gone anywhere. She said she’s infatuated with him but he never makes any moves. They talk/text all the time, everyday, but she said he’s socially awkward and she just wants him to make a move. She said she’s made it clear she likes him. I said well you’re probably going to have to seduce him. She said ‘I have no problem with that.’ She said she’s liked him for a loooong time too. At that point I felt like ok there’s my answer. She’s stuck on someone else, she’s not into me. But then, she was telling me how she went out for her birthday and made out with a few guys the other night. Then I think ‘Ok we’ll she can’t be THAT attached to him.’ One of the guys calls her non stop and was even texting her when we were hanging out. She showed me the texts and then lied to him and said she couldn’t hang out because one of her girlfriends was in town. I joked with her and said ‘Aw you chose me over him!’ I put my arm around her jokingly and she reached up and held my hand for a brief moment. I said 'you know... that guy better make a move soon or someone’s going to swoop you up and steal you from him'. She laughed and then we went back to my car.

 

As we were walking to the car in my head, it felt like, in a normal situation, this would be the time I would make a move, put my arm around her and walk with her to see how she reacts. But this was my friend's ex and I just didn’t feel like it was right. So I didn’t. But I REALLY wanted to. I hugged her goodnight and I dropped her off at her house. When she hugged me there was a moment where I subtly caressed her hair a bit but she didn’t react to it. I didn’t even plan on doing that it just kind of happened. No reaction to it though but I’m sure she felt me do it.

 

I went home a bit torn. I really felt something that night. But I just don’t know if it’s right to pursue. Plus, I’m really on the fence if she likes me in that way or not. I’m worried about making a bold move out of fear she's completely shocked and turned off. I was trying to think of ways I could subtly tell her I was interested in her without being too bold, just to see how she reacts. I even toyed around texting her something fun like ‘Had a great time with you tonight. You’re crush better step it up or he might have some competition…just saying!’

I didn’t though.

 

She ended up texting me ‘Good times tonight ’

I said ‘Had a great time with you too. You’re such a sweetheart. Let’s do it again soon.’

She said ‘Good night. And thank you. That’s nice of you to say Have a blast on vacation.’

 

I guess I’m curious what you guys make of this. Is it wrong to pursue her? Is she even into me? If I were to pursue her, what’s my next move?

I definitely want her but I’m holding back feelings out of respect for my friend. She will be busy this week and I will be on vacation until the 27th. So can’t really hang out with till after then.

[Ami1uwant]

This isn't easy....

 

You aren't supposed to date your buddies ex unless you clear it through him

You have a good friendship but do you want yo tusk it.

 

A better way is to be subtle and a little flirtatious and see what the reaction is...an example,e if you are talking at the bar reach out and touch her hand

 

She may be ready to date yet...

[aaforever]

Thanks Ami1uwant,

 

Yea I guess I wanted to make sure the feelings were mutual first before I even went down that road of getting my friends blessing. When I jokingly put my arm around her and she reached up and touched my hand I wanted to hold it but I didn't out of respect. I kind of wish I did just to at least see if there was something there. Since I will be away for a while I'm kind of regretting not going for it. Now I have all these questions floating around in my head. I've thought about texting her something flirtatious in the meantime but not sure what to say. I feel like I'm better at that stuff in person. I also don't want to miss my opportunity and let too much time pass.

[aaforever]

---UPDATE—

 

So… I called her. Basically, (in short) told her I had a great time last night, felt like there was some chemistry, but wasn’t sure if she felt the same way. Asked her if she’d be open to go out on a proper date rather than ‘hanging out’ sometime down the line.

 

Her reaction: Surprised.

 

She said she doesn’t feel that way and sees me as more of a friend and always has. Plus, she’s not ready to be in that type of situation with anyone right now. She said who knows down the line but right now this is how she feels. She was impressed I had the balls to call her and loved how honest I was. She said she didn’t want it to effect the friendship, didn’t want to lose me as a friend because of it and still wanted to get together for drinks after I came back from vacation.

 

So that’s it. At least I found out before I went any further. Sucks considering how compatible it seemed we were. Maybe the physical attraction just wasn’t there for her. It is what it is. And yea, probably better off considering it’s my friends ex.