MoreAmore Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 No. She hurt him so therefore he can hurt her. . That's... not how any of this works. If you forgive a person, that's it. No free pass to hurt them in the future. Decent don't just go on intentionally hurting other people, whether they've been hurt in the past or not. This isn't about genders. If someone cheats, you can forgive. You cannot forgive. One might overlook immediate unfortunate reactions. But you aren't clear for being a complete jerk months or years later, especially after you have ostensibly offered forgiveness or your desire to remain in a relationship. You are not the malevolent owner of whomever you feel wronged you. 1
MoreAmore Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Whether they liked it or not. This attitude expressed is deeply disturbing. Also, coercing a person into sex is ALWAYS wrong. Coercion robs true consent. 1
h0000 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 This whole thing is wrong on so many levels I dont even know where to start. I would just leave this mess. I dont think this relationship is going anywhere anyway 2
MoreAmore Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 If you want a threesome, they are fine. You either need to not be in a relationship or be in a solid relationship-- in either case, all parties need to be enthusiastic about the option. Threesomes do NOT save damaged relationships. Ever. They can pull them apart. They also are notorious for destroying the friendships if all parties aren't very healthy, mature, and conscientious. 1
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Threesomes do NOT save damaged relationships. Ever. They can pull them apart. Well yeah but if the relationship is already damaged might as well go out with a bang.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 The guy isn't into you, he's just into the fantasy of 2 chicks, He wants to do a threesome so bad because you're his ticket to this, You don't owe him anything, it was his decision to stay with you, And it should be your decision when you leave this guy too. 1
road Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Whoa whoa whoa. If she felt genuinely guilty about her prior affair then she would by default be cool with him calling the shots over who she gets to share her body with forevermore? No matter how many wrongs are done they never will make a right.
wb1988 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 She must do whatever he desires in order to atone for her cheating one time in the past though they worked it out and moved on? Wouldn't that make the threesome punishment for the gf? Sounds fun... An eye for an eye makes both people blind...immature, unhealthy, manipulative and blind. There is a youtube vid or article somewhere of a girl making her bf stand on the side of a freeway with a sign about how its punishment blah blah.... basically humiliating him and everyone thinks its right. \You only think otherwise because its the girl that cheated. I personally don't concern myself with opinions of ppl I don't respect. Likewise if someone puts stock in the stories of someone I don't respect, I don't concern myself with them either. (shrug) Trust me, even people you do respect will hear about it. You know how you girls tell each other everything, us guys do the same except worse — we add things in and also make the girl look like a whore. Everything you do that's even slightly crazy will eventually come back to bite you. If the OP cheats on him again, but with the girl then she can be sure that every guy in her social circle will know about it and will just assume that anyone dating her now has to consider both guys AND girls as a threat.
SmartDude Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Your BF is not emotionally mature enough to handle a threesome in this particular situation. This is evident in his inability to let go of his fantasy in this moment. You, young lady should not be messing with your friend either. So you are both guilty, if there is indeed right or wrong here. Going outside a monogamous relationship for sex is always something I support personally, Because it can give the primary relationship new life. Everyone should be in an open relationship IMHO lol. Maybe this is not a good time for sexual experimentation. If the breakup was bad maybe the friend just wants some normality in her life. I can't say because I don't know her situation. Careful, this situation your in sounds like a loaded gun that is about to go off in someones face. 2
kendahke Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 he says he does trust me and forgives me but he says, basically, that I should be willing to do anything to make him happy because I've hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. Nope. That's not how things work. If he forgives you, then you're done with the atoning. You owe him nothing. I think it was a bit lecherous for the two of you to be taking advantage of a friend who happened to be in a bad way and who accepted your generosity most likely not knowing of the strings you two attached. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs. But in the same breath he insists that I should only have a threesome if I want to because he doesn't want me to do this just to make him happy because he will feel bad. So I kind of feel like I'm stuck either I do it when I really kind if don't want to or don't do it and feel bad because I've done him wrong and he feels like it's unfair. It's a bad idea if any of the 3 have feelings for one or another involved. If he needs a 3some, then he needs to dump you and go do that and get it out of his system. I guess the reason I'm so scared to do it is a combination of things. It's makes me somewhat jealous that he texts her a lot. He says good morning and goodnight to her and she, I guess playfully, tells him she loves him and he responds with an I love you back. He tells me all that he talks about in text openly but it still makes me a little uncomfortable. Not just because I'm jealous but also because I feel that's it's not in her best interest for her to get somewhat emotionally attached to him considering she's vulnerable and fresh out of a relationship. Then you need to stop your little playing around with her, too, if this is your concern. Plus having another girl in the picture while our relationship is so rocky. I just I don't know. He wants me to be open and talk about this so I can be more comfortable and I told him I would maybe be okay with the situation if the situation didn't involve emotions. And he's just told me that I'd still be his main girl So, when there is a main girl, then there is someone else who is not the main girl in the picture (the side piece). Meaning: he intends upon messing with the two of you---perhaps this is his way of paying you back for cheating on him and he's been lying in wait for such an opportunity to present itself. Don't know that I'd want someone that vindictive around me. No telling what they're capable of doing. and he wouldn't like her more than me. He doesn't know that yet. Chances are, he will because she's new to him. I don't know, I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on and despite anything he says I feel like in a way he only wants to accept yes as an answer in the end. I don't know please help. Your choices are to say yes and set in motion the end of your relationship or to say no and set in motion the end of your relationship. Depends upon what you can live with. As long as you have reservations about 3somes and he's pressuring you by gaslighting you on the fact that your relationship's survival hinges upon you doing this, then giving in to his fantasy may have some nasty unintended results for you. Tread carefully.
PogoStick Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Miss Crazy, As a man who loves, and has been in several novel sex situations; your situation is a disaster in the making! 1. You're trying to help this girl. The last thing she needs is to feel pressured or obligated into a 3some. If she is not down with that idea then she is stuck feeling uncomfortable living with you when she has few options. That's being a ****ty friend! IOW, do NOT approach this girl for a 3 some until she is on her feet and living away from you. 2. Your boyfriend is totally wrong for guilting you into the 3 some. You will feel uncomfortable and resentful. Also, this is not the way to "make up" for your past wrongs. Either he forgives you for the past or he doesn't. A 3some needs to happen in either A) a casual relationship where it doesn't matter if things fall apart, or B) a strong relationship that can endure the stress a 3some could cause. 3. His attention and attraction to your friend is also alarming. Taken in isolation I wouldn't be concerned, but considering the other aspects from above, you should be concerned that him cheating is on the horizon. I really hate suggesting that and it isn't something I do lightly. 1
PogoStick Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 He does seem a little cheesy and manipulative. (His rationale is pretty transparent.) If I were you I'd sleep with her w/out his knowledge, then dump him and take up with her. (It does sound like you're kinda into her what with the making out.) Damn you're harsh! Yet given the situation, I like it.
PogoStick Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I think he's a pig personally but I can also see where he's coming from, he really wants a 3some (understandable) and he's pulling out all the stops to get one. Sad thing is, a good man could get the 3 some without any manipulation. They could both enjoy having one without any of the negative sht added on. Make a woman feel happy, secure, and madly in love, then she'll do it out of sheer joy.
runredlights Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Everyone is also ignoring that you in fact cheated a second time by making out with Jess. You're the one who can't keep it in your pants, not Dave. I bet a part of you wants to engage in the threesome Jess, but not on the merit that it's getting even for cheating on Dave back in the beginning. What do you want?
GunslingerRoland Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Wow nice ploy by him. You cheated on me, so now you should do whatever I say. You have right to be jealous... he should NOT be texting your friend that he loves her. Their whole relationship sounds very inappropriate. And they both need to cut it out. If you and him do have a 3 some one day it should NOT be with someone you think he already has feelings for.
katiegrl Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I guess the reason I'm so scared to do it is a combination of things. It's makes me somewhat jealous that he texts her a lot. He says good morning and goodnight to her and she, I guess playfully, tells him she loves him and he responds with an I love you back. I read this entire thread and surprised no one mentioned this. So not only is he attempting to manipulate you/guilt tripping you into having this threesome....but he is not even being honest as to why he wants it sooooooooo badly. He's in love with her....that is quite obvious. If it were me I would launch this bozo stat! How does your friend feel about him? It sounds to me like the feelings may be mutual....
Redhead14 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 A friend of mine I've known since middle school, Jess, has recently left a long term relationship. My boyfriend knows that Jess has had a crush on me for years. When I heard she was being broken up with I knew she was down on her luck and didn't have an official place to stay. I thought immediately that I wanted to offer her a place to sleep occasionally, my boyfriend of four years: David, seconded the idea. So she has stayed at our place a couple nights here and there. The first night she stayed he encouraged me to make out with her, which I did and somewhat enjoyed more than I expected. David suggested the idea that we have a threesome that very day which I told him I was really nervous about but I suppose I was open minded to. Anyway, I was suppose to be the ignitor of sorts and by the end of that day I never initiated the threesome. After she left David expressed to me he was really, really disappointed and that a threesome is a fantasy he's had all his life and asked me why I got his hopes up if I wasn't going to go through with it. He then brought up the fact that I cheated on him early on in the relationship (I confessed this to him a long time ago) but I left out the details that, the man I cheated on him once with, I hung out with more than once during the week or two prior to me sleeping with him. I honestly I thought I told him all details about this and honestly I have been and still am genuinely remorseful and have no intentions of cheating on him ever again. Anyway he says he does trust me and forgives me but he says, basically, that I should be willing to do anything to make him happy because I've hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs. But in the same breath he insists that I should only have a threesome if I want to because he doesn't want me to do this just to make him happy because he will feel bad. So I kind of feel like I'm stuck either I do it when I really kind if don't want to or don't do it and feel bad because I've done him wrong and he feels like it's unfair. I guess the reason I'm so scared to do it is a combination of things. It's makes me somewhat jealous that he texts her a lot. He says good morning and goodnight to her and she, I guess playfully, tells him she loves him and he responds with an I love you back. He tells me all that he talks about in text openly but it still makes me a little uncomfortable. Not just because I'm jealous but also because I feel that's it's not in her best interest for her to get somewhat emotionally attached to him considering she's vulnerable and fresh out of a relationship. Plus having another girl in the picture while our relationship is so rocky. I just I don't know. He wants me to be open and talk about this so I can be more comfortable and I told him I would maybe be okay with the situation if the situation didn't involve emotions. And he's just told me that I'd still be his main girl and he wouldn't like her more than me. I don't know, I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on and despite anything he says I feel like in a way he only wants to accept yes as an answer in the end. I don't know please help. hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs -- that is emotional blackmail. Either he forgives you for that or he doesn't. Don't do something you may not be comfortable with either as an attempt to smooth a rocky relationship. That is akin to having a baby when there is trouble in a relationship. If you do decide to do it, do it because you really want to not because of blackmail or relationship repair. That's crap. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about his communications with her. I'd suspect he has more interest in her than just friendly interaction only because he's been so excited about the threesome to the extent that he is blackmailing you for it. In other words, if he weren't more interested in her but still wanted a threesome, he would have simply said something like "hey, I'd like it if we could have a threesome with Xgirl. It's something I've fantasized about. Think about it for a while and let me know". No blackmail, coercion. That's the part I don't like about this.
Grumpybutfun Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) There is a youtube vid or article somewhere of a girl making her bf stand on the side of a freeway with a sign about how its punishment blah blah.... basically humiliating him and everyone thinks its right. \You only think otherwise because its the girl that cheated. t. I only think otherwise because I am a mature, healthy individual who doesn't think punishing, shaming or exhorting sexual acts from the person I claim to love in recompense for bad behavioris ok. I wouldn't be with a cheater but he forgave her and took her back, therefore he can't use sex to punish her. I would have the same opinion, and have had the same opinion in the past on here, when the OP was a man. I find your view of women to be sad and self defeating if you are on LS for advice on relationships. I'm happily married to a woman, and I didn't get there by being bitter over what I regarded to be unfair in my past relationships or online forums. OP, what didn't you tell him about the cheating, and what does that have to do with a threesome you aren't comfortable doing? That is something worked out by conversation, not threesomes. G Edited September 16, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 A friend of mine I've known since middle school, Jess, has recently left a long term relationship. My boyfriend knows that Jess has had a crush on me for years. When I heard she was being broken up with I knew she was down on her luck and didn't have an official place to stay. I thought immediately that I wanted to offer her a place to sleep occasionally, my boyfriend of four years: David, seconded the idea. So she has stayed at our place a couple nights here and there. The first night she stayed he encouraged me to make out with her, which I did and somewhat enjoyed more than I expected. David suggested the idea that we have a threesome that very day which I told him I was really nervous about but I suppose I was open minded to. Anyway, I was suppose to be the ignitor of sorts and by the end of that day I never initiated the threesome. After she left David expressed to me he was really, really disappointed and that a threesome is a fantasy he's had all his life and asked me why I got his hopes up if I wasn't going to go through with it. He then brought up the fact that I cheated on him early on in the relationship (I confessed this to him a long time ago) but I left out the details that, the man I cheated on him once with, I hung out with more than once during the week or two prior to me sleeping with him. I honestly I thought I told him all details about this and honestly I have been and still am genuinely remorseful and have no intentions of cheating on him ever again. Anyway he says he does trust me and forgives me but he says, basically, that I should be willing to do anything to make him happy because I've hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs. But in the same breath he insists that I should only have a threesome if I want to because he doesn't want me to do this just to make him happy because he will feel bad. So I kind of feel like I'm stuck either I do it when I really kind if don't want to or don't do it and feel bad because I've done him wrong and he feels like it's unfair. I guess the reason I'm so scared to do it is a combination of things. It's makes me somewhat jealous that he texts her a lot. He says good morning and goodnight to her and she, I guess playfully, tells him she loves him and he responds with an I love you back. He tells me all that he talks about in text openly but it still makes me a little uncomfortable. Not just because I'm jealous but also because I feel that's it's not in her best interest for her to get somewhat emotionally attached to him considering she's vulnerable and fresh out of a relationship. Plus having another girl in the picture while our relationship is so rocky. I just I don't know. He wants me to be open and talk about this so I can be more comfortable and I told him I would maybe be okay with the situation if the situation didn't involve emotions. And he's just told me that I'd still be his main girl and he wouldn't like her more than me. I don't know, I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on and despite anything he says I feel like in a way he only wants to accept yes as an answer in the end. I don't know please help. The impulse to have a threesome with her is absolutely crazy!! YOU need to draw a thick, clear, black and white line between both you and your partner and this girl. The way you thought you'd leap in and violate her trust on the very first night she was there, was completely absurd. Clearly your BF is a total prince as well... for he wasted no time getting his jollies here and there at her expense. The way this story reads, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that they've already been getting it on behind your back. You need to establish boundaries and then demand that they never be crossed. This messy vision cannot have a positive ending but you need to be FIRM in saying "noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" to any tangent of this. Drive two towns over and find some hot chick in a bar, for your threesome, if you have to - the risks are faaaaaaaaaaaaaar fewer than the powder keg which you've already ignited. 1
kendahke Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Everyone is also ignoring that you in fact cheated a second time by making out with Jess. OP: The first night she stayed he encouraged me to make out with her, which I did and somewhat enjoyed more than I expected. No, her boyfriend was there. He encouraged it. Wasn't cheating. Nice try.
warshaw Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 OP: No, her boyfriend was there. He encouraged it. Wasn't cheating. Nice try. You're right it wasn't cheating, but why did you write "nice try". What was the responding poster trying to do?
kendahke Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 accuse OP of something that was not true.
Author Crazybluesky Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Thanks for all your replies everyone. I apologize for only just now responding. I got so many replies it was a little overwhelming. Instead of responding to all your replies I'll just briefly give everyone an update on what's become of the situation. I had a conversation with Jess, and although she initially seemed interested in the idea she expressed some reservations about it now. Which is honestly a big relief, because it has come out of her own mouth what she wants and it cannot be disputed. From the very beginning all I wanted to do was be there for her as a friend and to reassure her that she can accept help from real friends without having to give anything in return. Now all I have to do is prove this to her. I just hope this misunderstanding has not done any long term damage.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 Thanks for all your replies everyone. I apologize for only just now responding. I got so many replies it was a little overwhelming. Instead of responding to all your replies I'll just briefly give everyone an update on what's become of the situation. I had a conversation with Jess, and although she initially seemed interested in the idea she expressed some reservations about it now. Which is honestly a big relief, because it has come out of her own mouth what she wants and it cannot be disputed. From the very beginning all I wanted to do was be there for her as a friend and to reassure her that she can accept help from real friends without having to give anything in return. Now all I have to do is prove this to her. I just hope this misunderstanding has not done any long term damage. You also have to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. It's beyond crazy to me that you feel so relieved that she rejected the idea rather than you feeling you could easily say no and have your boyfriend understand your reservations. This is so backwards, OP. Can you not see that? Yes, you cheated. But he chose to stay. He was free to walk away and he didn't. He doesn't now get to use that as ammo against you to coerce you into performing a sex act. You really need to reconsider what kind of guy you have here. 1
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