Crazybluesky Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 A friend of mine I've known since middle school, Jess, has recently left a long term relationship. My boyfriend knows that Jess has had a crush on me for years. When I heard she was being broken up with I knew she was down on her luck and didn't have an official place to stay. I thought immediately that I wanted to offer her a place to sleep occasionally, my boyfriend of four years: David, seconded the idea. So she has stayed at our place a couple nights here and there. The first night she stayed he encouraged me to make out with her, which I did and somewhat enjoyed more than I expected. David suggested the idea that we have a threesome that very day which I told him I was really nervous about but I suppose I was open minded to. Anyway, I was suppose to be the ignitor of sorts and by the end of that day I never initiated the threesome. After she left David expressed to me he was really, really disappointed and that a threesome is a fantasy he's had all his life and asked me why I got his hopes up if I wasn't going to go through with it. He then brought up the fact that I cheated on him early on in the relationship (I confessed this to him a long time ago) but I left out the details that, the man I cheated on him once with, I hung out with more than once during the week or two prior to me sleeping with him. I honestly I thought I told him all details about this and honestly I have been and still am genuinely remorseful and have no intentions of cheating on him ever again. Anyway he says he does trust me and forgives me but he says, basically, that I should be willing to do anything to make him happy because I've hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs. But in the same breath he insists that I should only have a threesome if I want to because he doesn't want me to do this just to make him happy because he will feel bad. So I kind of feel like I'm stuck either I do it when I really kind if don't want to or don't do it and feel bad because I've done him wrong and he feels like it's unfair. I guess the reason I'm so scared to do it is a combination of things. It's makes me somewhat jealous that he texts her a lot. He says good morning and goodnight to her and she, I guess playfully, tells him she loves him and he responds with an I love you back. He tells me all that he talks about in text openly but it still makes me a little uncomfortable. Not just because I'm jealous but also because I feel that's it's not in her best interest for her to get somewhat emotionally attached to him considering she's vulnerable and fresh out of a relationship. Plus having another girl in the picture while our relationship is so rocky. I just I don't know. He wants me to be open and talk about this so I can be more comfortable and I told him I would maybe be okay with the situation if the situation didn't involve emotions. And he's just told me that I'd still be his main girl and he wouldn't like her more than me. I don't know, I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on and despite anything he says I feel like in a way he only wants to accept yes as an answer in the end. I don't know please help.
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 What you do is get a new BF. Regardless of what you did in the past, he can't use that to blackmail you into a threesome now. What a horrible person he is. 13
jen1447 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He does seem a little cheesy and manipulative. (His rationale is pretty transparent.) If I were you I'd sleep with her w/out his knowledge, then dump him and take up with her. (It does sound like you're kinda into her what with the making out.) 4
Author Crazybluesky Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 He insists that he doesn't want to guilt trip me into doing anything I don't want to. And he says that I'd enjoy it if I just wouldn't be anxious and I would give it a try. I just feel like the fact that he's asking me to do this while still currently angry and disappointed with me is just bad...
PaperCrane Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 But he is. This relationship is toxic. Manipulation, blackmail, cheating. Ugh. 6
wb1988 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 What you do is get a new BF. Regardless of what you did in the past, he can't use that to blackmail you into a threesome now. What a horrible person he is. Feminist much? You think she can sleep with others but he can't. 2
Hopeful30 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He wants to bang your friend and you to be okay with it. If that's cool with you then do it, but seeing as you have doubts, it's probably not the best idea. 3
wb1988 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He does seem a little cheesy and manipulative. (His rationale is pretty transparent.) If I were you I'd sleep with her w/out his knowledge, then dump him and take up with her. (It does sound like you're kinda into her what with the making out.) Did you not read about the part how she first cheated on him? She did downplay it pretty well, I had to read it twice. Also if she takes your advice then he'll obviously tell all their friends, not she's the crazy cheating bitch. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Feminist much? You think she can sleep with others but he can't. Not at all. He can sleep with anybody he wants. What I take umbrage at is his statement that he said because she hurt him in the past, she owes him now. That is the part I find offensive. 7
wb1988 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Not at all. He can sleep with anybody he wants. What I take umbrage at is his statement that he said because she hurt him in the past, she owes him now. That is the part I find offensive. No. She hurt him so therefore he can hurt her. You sound like one of those people that think thats its okay for a girl to hit a guy but not vice versa. It's 2015, either nobody hurts anybody or everybody hurts everybody. If the OP genuinely felt guilty then she'd be cool with it but if she was smart she would have ended the relationship after she cheated. 3
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 No. She hurt him so therefore he can hurt her. You sound like one of those people that think thats its okay for a girl to hit a guy but not vice versa. It's 2015, either nobody hurts anybody or everybody hurts everybody. If the OP genuinely felt guilty then she'd be cool with it but if she was smart she would have ended the relationship after she cheated. Whoa whoa whoa. If she felt genuinely guilty about her prior affair then she would by default be cool with him calling the shots over who she gets to share her body with forevermore? 2
Grumpybutfun Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) No. She hurt him so therefore he can hurt her. You sound like one of those people that think thats its okay for a girl to hit a guy but not vice versa. It's 2015, either nobody hurts anybody or everybody hurts everybody. If the OP genuinely felt guilty then she'd be cool with it but if she was smart she would have ended the relationship after she cheated. Are you saying the gf owes her bf's a threesome in recompense for cheating in the past? She must do whatever he desires in order to atone for her cheating one time in the past though they worked it out and moved on? Wouldn't that make the threesome punishment for the gf? Sounds fun... An eye for an eye makes both people blind...immature, unhealthy, manipulative and blind. OP, move on....he is an ass who is trying to manipulate you into doing something you do not feel comfortable with. I applaud you for considering your friends feelings for she is probably very vulnerable right now and fooling around with you and then a threesome with you and your bf could be very emotionally hurtful for her. Don't fool around with her anymore...just becaus it is a game to you and your bf doesn't mean your attentions won't be emotional or possibly hurtful to her. Cheating is terribly bad but if he forgave you and moved on in your relationship, it should never be brought up again except when he is concerned there are signs it may happen again. Don't ever accept punishment for the past in a loving relationship. Move on if that so what the other person needs because that is a sign of control and anger, not love. Good luck, G Edited September 15, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 8
jen1447 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Did you not read about the part how she first cheated on him? She did downplay it pretty well, I had to read it twice. Also if she takes your advice then he'll obviously tell all their friends, not she's the crazy cheating bitch. I personally don't concern myself with opinions of ppl I don't respect. Likewise if someone puts stock in the stories of someone I don't respect, I don't concern myself with them either. (shrug)
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Gotta give the BF credit for trying. Using her prior affair to guilt her into a 3some is some pretty fine manipulative thinking. Just be aware that he doesn't care a bit about you and what you want, but that's basically what you did when you cheated on him initially. So there's a few ways to look at this. 1- you owe him one, after which the slate is clean 2- you screwed up, you owned it, you're remorseful and he's a pig for guilting you into a 3some. I think he's a pig personally but I can also see where he's coming from, he really wants a 3some (understandable) and he's pulling out all the stops to get one. 2
stillafool Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 OP, your bf is dying to have sex with your friend and is using your past to make it okay. If you aren't comfortable tell him so and stick to it. What does he mean you will still be his "main girl"? How many does he have or is he considering making her his number 2? 1
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Gotta give the BF credit for trying. Using her prior affair to guilt her into a 3some is some pretty fine manipulative thinking. Just be aware that he doesn't care a bit about you and what you want, but that's basically what you did when you cheated on him initially. So there's a few ways to look at this. 1- you owe him one, after which the slate is clean 2- you screwed up, you owned it, you're remorseful and he's a pig for guilting you into a 3some. I think he's a pig personally but I can also see where he's coming from, he really wants a 3some (understandable) and he's pulling out all the stops to get one. Can I vote pig? Also I bet if the genders were reversed and he'd had the affair he wouldn't be offering himself up happily for a mwm threesome. Just a hunch. 2
madjac74 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 You should have the threesome but pay no attention to him. He will feel inadequate jerking it in the corner by himself. Then start dating your friend and leave him with his memories.
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 You should have the threesome but pay no attention to him. He will feel inadequate jerking it in the corner by himself. Then start dating your friend and leave him with his memories. I was thinking that might happen anyway. He's treating her like crap, he has no consideration for her feelings, and she's enjoying getting some same gender affection. However I wouldn't jerk off in the corner even if I was being ignored. I'd jerk myself but I'd get myself right in between their french kissing at just the right moment. Whether they liked it or not.
sid3 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He's a douche. Really???You don't believe you can do better.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Your relationship is not strong enough to withstand this. Don't do it. The fact he is using your past to blackmail you into a sexual act you are not comfortable with is repulsive. That is not the reason a threesome should happen, and yes, I speak from experience. Very bad idea.
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 The fact he is using your past to blackmail you into a sexual act He's not blackmailing her, he's coercing her with guilt.
Author Crazybluesky Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 My boyfriend is not so much upset that I cheated in the first place (he's already forgiven me for that) but more so that I left out a lot more details for the past three years, essentially lying to him for all this time. Although he forgives me for this new hurt as well it is, understandably, a fresh wound. So I don't at all blame him for feeling hurt and I understand where he is coming from. I don't at all want to give the impression that I'm innocent here! He's told me many times that he only wants me to do this if I am okay with it!
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 He's told me many times that he only wants me to do this if I am okay with it! Yeah sure, that's why he brings up your past cheating and say you sort of owe him. He may says you "sort of owe him" but what he really means is "you owe him". The word "sort" is just his way of watering it down so he doesn't seem to be quite as much of an Ahole by guilting you into doing something you obviously don't want to do. Let's look at a quote of your first post: he says, basically, that I should be willing to do anything to make him happy because I've hurt him so much and it was unfair and I sort of owe him. He suggests that having a threesome will right my wrongs. But in the same breath he insists that I should only have a threesome if I want to because he doesn't want me to do this just to make him happy because he will feel bad. You should be willing to do anything because you were unfair and you owe him. That doesn't sound like a guy who doesn't want you to do something you're uncomfortable with, does it? Of course not. You realize this, because you say "in the same breath" he says "don't do anything you don't want to". If a person contradicts themselves it really doesn't matter if it's an hour later, a day later, a year later or within the very same sentence. It's still a contradiction. He wants you to do what he wants you to do and he'll continue to play the guilt card until you either tell him to screw off or until he gets his wish. I'm thinking this is so freaking obvious you don't need this explained to you. But just in case let's give another example. Let's pretend he says "I'm not gay" but in the same breath he says "But I'd suck a guys penis if the timing was right". Would you think he's gay or would the fact that both of those things were said with the same breath somehow negate the first sentence? I guess I'm just not getting this whole "same breath" thing. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 It sounds to me as though he's never really gotten over the fact that you cheated on him, and is treating you with a lower degree of respect and consideration as a result. I think it would be very messy to let another person in your bed unless this is resolved. But frankly, I think your early cheating did some damage that likely won't be undone. 2
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 And to add to it, how would your good friend feel to find out later she was used as an affair forgiveness token? That the threesome wasn't from a sensual place or motivated by genuine desire, but something you were goaded into just because your boyfriend wants to stick his penis in her to even a score with you. I think she'd run a high risk of feeling disgusted and emotionally shattered. 3
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