Girlfriend dumps me 4 months after sister passes away. !

[cait77]

I have dated this girl 3 years, this December.

 

She feels like she has kept the relationship at bay at the beginning of our relationship ( AKA - how high can I jump for you? ). I feel different - that I have been a good boyfriend EXCEPT... 1 year into our relationship I did cheat on her. I fully admit to it, and came clean, and man'd up. It broke her heart and mine to even tell her. We were shaky for the next few months, but slowly got better. Eventually I asked her if she would forgive me, and she said yes.

 

Things were ok from that point on, but our relationship has been long distance from the beginning ( 3.5 hours away from each other ). She would always come to see me, and I took it for granted. I never started to come see her until about a year into our relationship and I knew it made it feel like crap. I don't really have an excuse except I have bad anxiety and get panic attacks on the road very easy.. Jumping forward.. 4 months ago from now, ( May 3rd ), her sister passes away. She was disabled from childhood and her and her parents feared what would happen to her when they eventually went.

 

At the point of her sister passing away, EVERYTHING changed in her. From what I hear this is common, but it just really seemed that she was no longer interested, and very distant. She would always spend time with me at my parents house, but after the accident, she was always at her parents, which makes sense. I know 4 months is a short time, but to me, it has been a very long time, and feeling like I am not even loved for that long, does build up and hurt. With that said, I have tried to be the best boyfriend possible, and tried supporting as much as I possibly could ( probably too much in all honesty ), but I just didn't understand and still don't. Every week or so I would have a "serious" talk with her about how I was feeling, and how scared I was about losing her, and tried to make her see that she was pushing me away unintentionally, but without being a jerk about it ( or I at least tried to ). Keep in mind, we were totally insane about each other, and I screwed her over by cheating on her. Dumbest thing I have ever done in my life, and I would make up for that and burn half my soul just to ease her pain if I could, but when her sister passed away, she was nothing even close to the person I once knew. After having several talks with her throughout the course of a long time..it did build up on her, and I know now, that it has been pushing at her. Last weekend I got her and her mom tickets to the Husker game and she had invited me over for support and a movie with her parents afterwards ( which she hasnt done in a long time - so I thought that was a pretty good thing ). After the movie, she just looked at me, and yet again, acted like she wanted nothing to do with me..but I do overthink a lot of stuff...like a lot. Took it with a grain of salt and apologized for having all the talks I have had in the past, and explained WHY I was having the talks. I told her it was because I was scared that she didn't realize what she was doing to us, and I told her she had my full support, but wanted her to realize how much damage she was starting to bring onto me. We ended that night pretty good and sometimes you wouldnt even know anything was wrong. Sometimes shes in a decent mood - other times ( mostly ), she is bitchy, moody, upset etc..anything and everything I do isnt good enough, and I get yelled at for basically anything. Literally 2 days later I spoke with her on the phone and had yet, another talk, because she was acting distant, quite, and uninterested all over again, and its just getting to the point where I feel I have to stand up for myself and just tell her I feel I deserve even a little bit from her. This whole time since she has passed, she kept telling me that I just dont understand, and she wished I could be in her shoes. -->

 

[ What I failed to mention.. is that when she was dealing with her sisters loss, I was detoxing off of Xanax medication, and was going through HELL and terrible withdrawals that was making me call 911 for help at home detox. We both are long distant, she was having a nightmare on her shoulders, as was I with my own demon. I wasn't able to be strong enough for the both of us - and I eventually told her that - which I think she appreciated. ]

 

Now jumping back on track --> I had said a couple of stupid things looking back at it, to her, when I spoke with her last on Tuesday 8th of Sep. After telling her that a lot of my friends think I am crazy for still being with you, she was pissed off, and said, then don't be with me, then don't be with me. I HIGHLY regret saying that, and wish I could take it back, and didn't even mean it the way I said it - it was just something very stupid that came out of my mouth. She then persisted and said, you know what..I am done fighting..we just aren't happy.. ( I feel I am not happy, because she isn't - honestly ). If she was happy, it would make my world.

 

I also game time to time, and its just a part of me and a hobby. I moved back home after my last lease to save money, and go to school. I am also waiting to go to school next Spring of 2016 for dental school. (( Stuff she is already aware of )).

 

On top of her essentially breaking up with me, she also threw on me that she hated my gaming, it didn't interest her, every time we talk, its about me, and that my high light of the day is gaming, and she doesnt want that.

 

This is ALL stuff she already knew about me - and has accepted, she is just lashing out, and I don't know why - probably my stupid comment?

 

Throughout all the talks we have had in the last 4 months, she didn't know what she wanted, but wanted me to just "try", whatever that means. She did mention that she knew I was trying though. 3-4 weeks ago, she mentioned for the first time, that she probably just needs some space with her family, and I failed to "listen" to that, because I was so pre-occupied on about how I was feeling and thought giving her that space would ruin us - I was being weak.

 

This girl has faught like a damn warrior for me and honestly has held us up together - when a lot of moments I was being a dumbass in our past, but adding it up - I really was a great boyfriend, just had some faults, one including something I can never take back -.-

 

In my honest to god opinion, I thought I was doing everything the right way, and didn't understand her attitude towards me, when I am pouring my heart and soul out to her, to get spat at, yelled at, and treated like a door mat, thats exactly why I stood up for myself.

 

On the same phone call last Tuesday night, after she was persistant on breaking up with me - I finally facetimed her, so I could at least see her face. Things changed a bit when we saw each other. We have always agreed that whenever things get its worst - when we see each other or hold each other - we both feel content. My last attempt on that phone call, I suggested that with a lot of new information I was given, I told her please give me time to allow me to give you space. I looked her dead in the eye and she was deep in thought.. but never answered. She finally said..its getting late and I need to go to bed. I said ok, Honey I love you. She said I love you right back, followed by, "I'll just talk to you later."

 

The very next day she takes our status off of Facebook and it drove me insane to see that, so I tried calling her at of course the worst time ( midnight ), and never got an answer. I left a voicemail and my phone literally died right as I was sending the message, so I don't know if it got sent or not. Either way, I woke up early and tried to catch her before she leaves for work.

 

( I failed to mention - she is about 4-5months along into a new job, and also starting taking classes to get into Pharmacy school. ) - - - She is handling a lot. )

 

When I tried to call her early before work, again, she didn't answer, and it rang to her voicemail. This is when I really choked, and felt like I could possibly never hear from her again, and if I was a betting man - I would put all my money on she would NEVER EVER do that to me.

 

from what EVERYONE I have spoken to as far as friends go - they have all said you NEED to give her SPACE. NO text or call for at least a week to week and a half. I have went 5 days so far, AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. I feel like as the seconds go by, I am losing her, and I feel like I need to rush it, and do whatever the heck it is, to fix what is wrong, because what I have realized, is that I have made this all about me, when it is not. This is about her, and I failed to see that, until recently. I more than want to support her - and I DID tell her I would give her space - which I have done so far, but at the same time, its eating me alive, she won't reach back out - or isn't ready yet. I have no experience what-so-ever in this situation and GREATLY need advice from anyone. I am hurting big time - and cannot stop thinking about life is complete utter **** without her. I miss her, and would travel to the moon and back for her.

 

What is it I need to do?

 

What I WANT to do - is each out to her soon, ( assuming I get the chance to talk to her ), and tell her EXACTLY how I feel, and what I have done wrong. I want her to know that this isn't about me, and apologize for being selfish, a real big apology - I did my homework - and read up on greiving - to help myself better understand her situation - and I have learned a lot, and feel very bad for unintentionally hurting her.

 

I am beating myself up to holy heck to I should of said this, shouldn't have said that, etc, etc. and cannot help but think of what CAN I do to turn this around - I have to tell her how I am feeling - and I feel like it needs to be done and I am feeling very very rushed.

 

Please anyone, this girl is the gold cup to me, and losing her is not an option. I am very strong and will do and try everything it takes.

 

I appreciate anything in advance.

 

Thanks

[sportygirl89]

Sounds like you've been pretty selfish about the entire relationship. I mean, you made her come visit her the last two years. All I hear about is "you" when I read it not her. Losing a sister or immediate family member is hard. Did you even go to her funeral? She's probably resenting you for you having her make all the effort for relationship. She's not going to be the same after losing a sister. Honestly there a big things that you did not contribute to. Let her grieve and let a real man step up.

[d0nnivain]

I skimmed until I got to the part where your EX-GFs sister died & then I didn't read anything else. All the rest of whatever you wrote doesn't matter.

 

 

She is SHATTERED because her sister died. She's grieving. She's lost. She doesn't know what to feel or think or even how to be.

 

 

Do you remember how lousy you felt about your last break up or even this one? Multiply that by 1,000.

 

 

Leave her be. She is not in a place where she wants to be helped right now.

[Giggle]

Losing somebody like that changes things for you and it's very clear how short life is. How you need to be happy. Hanging around in a relationship that just isn't doing it for you... It becomes clearer that you just can't do that anymore. My give a **** died with my mom. There was just no way I could put up with any bull****.

 

You were going through withdrawals? Voluntarily.. Ooooo. I would be unsurprised if she is trying not to snap at you all together and be completely done. You're whining while she is grieving her sister.

[central]

My take is that after her sister died, she realized the temporary nature of life and happiness, and dumped you to seek an easier and more fulfilling relationship (or, perhaps none). Your relationship was too much work for too little return, and these events made that clear to her, IMO.

[Starks]

Your friends are right, you need to leave her alone for the time being

 

 

Begging and pleading will drive her further away. Nothing kills attraction more than neediness.

 

From all the **** she's going through she really doesn't need drama from you in the mix.

 

Take some time out and work on yourself so that you are strong and supportive if she comes back.

 

It takes years, if not decades, to move on from losing family. The worst thing you can do to her right now is trying to guilt trip her for not responding to you.

[theredpill]

I read you're a good boyfriend then got to the I cheated on her part and stopped reading. I'd never ever trust you again if I was her, if you want someone else to sleep with, leave your current partner.

 

Cosmology, horoscopes etc in my opinion are just rubbish - karma is real and you reap what you sow.

 

You were lucky she took you back the first time.

[autumnnight]

The fact that your biggest concern has been you the whole time, including in the midst of her grief, tells me she dodged a bullet.

[hunk]

Listen to me. Stop this ****. Slap yourself in the face. You are acting and behaving ridiculously.

 

This is what's happened.

 

Her sister's death has nothing to do with her ending things. This has been building up for a long time. She has wanted to end things with you for a long time. It isn't about the cheating, although the cheating most probably tainted the relationship for her to some extent but it isn't the reason she dumped you. The moment she told you she needed space was when you should have entered damage reduction mode, and disappeared, completely leaving her alone. For women, "i need space" is essentially their way of softly transitioning into a permanent breakup.

 

This is what's happening in your girlfriend/ex's mind -

 

- I am not attracted to this man anymore

- I no longer want to have sex with this man anymore

- This man does not excite me anymore and I am bored with him

- I feel repulsed by him although I care about him deeply and love him, and i am very angry and confused by that because I don't know why it's like that, it just is

- I am not in love this man at all anymore

- Seeing him suffer makes me feel horrific and guilty, I don't know how to end this properly so I am going to pull away and hide until i figure out how to do this

- I need to end this because it is killing me

 

That's it. She's not in some turmoil about her feelings, she's not leaving you out of principle because you did anything and she is still madly in love with you but just "can;t be with you" because "you're an *******". She's just done.

 

Your behavior in the relationship was enough to turn her off you. That is normal and happens in essentially every single relationship anyone will ever have. 3 years is about the mark most women start detaching from their partner in terms of physical attraction and sexual interest unless the guy knows what he's doing and actively "works" at the relationship and the dynamic of it. This comes with experience and mindset.

 

It is over. The dynamic is too far gone, she is not coming back to you. She is going to go out and have fun with other men because this is biologically the reason she ended things and I know that burns you to hear but you must understand it is completely natural.

 

Now is the time to take time off and assess what you want out of your own life and what is going to make you happy (hint; it's not another person).

[Methodical]

1 year into our relationship I did cheat on her. I fully admit to it' date=' and came clean, and man'd up. It broke her heart and mine to even tell her. I never started to come see her until about a year into our relationship and I knew it made it feel like crap. I don't really have an excuse except I have bad anxiety and get panic attacks on the road very easy..[/Quote']

 

One year into the relationship you cheated, plus, until that point, she was the one putting forth max effort to ensure you saw each other.

 

She would always spend time with me at my parents house, but after the accident, she was always at her parents, which makes sense.[/Quote]

 

Yes, she started spending time with her family bc you weren't exactly putting forth a lot of effort AND tragedy struck. She needed to be around ppl who were strong enough to offer comfort, understanding and support.

 

Every week or so I would have a "serious" talk with her about how I was feeling, and how scared I was about losing her, and tried to make her see that she was pushing me away unintentionally, but without being a jerk about it ( or I at least tried to ). [/Quote]

 

While your gf is dealing with a whirlwind of emotion after having lost her sister, you forced serious talks upon her, about how YOU felt, how scared YOU were, etc. (Me, me, me) That's being a jerk.

 

Last weekend I got her and her mom tickets to the Husker game and she had invited me over for support and a movie with her parents afterwards ( which she hasnt done in a long time - so I thought that was a pretty good thing ). After the movie, she just looked at me, and yet again, acted like she wanted nothing to do with me..but I do overthink a lot of stuff...like a lot. Took it with a grain of salt and apologized for having all the talks I have had in the past, and explained WHY I was having the talks. I told her it was because I was scared that she didn't realize what she was doing to us, and I told her she had my full support, but wanted her to realize how much damage she was starting to bring onto me.[/Quote]

 

She calls you over for support and you brought up WHY you "had the talks," and then told her She didn't realized what She was doing to "us." What?? So far, she's the one who forgave your indiscretion, did all the driving for a year to keep the relationship going, and now bc she is going thru a traumatic experience, she is damaging the relationship?? NO, just NO!

 

I feel I have to stand up for myself and just tell her I feel I deserve even a little bit from her. This whole time since she has passed, she kept telling me that I just dont understand, and she wished I could be in her shoes. -->[/Quote]

 

Again, you stood up for yourself...what the??... She should have stood up for herself long ago. She was fully invested and you...had cheated, wouldn't drive most of the time, gaming... You continue to talk about the hurt you are experiencing. Guess what dude? Her sister didn't change a FB status or break up with her...she died. That's a gaping hole that's not gonna heal in a few short months, and having a bf who feels the need to have all these serious talks every other week to express his fear and insecurity isn't helping matters AT ALL.

 

when she was dealing with her sisters loss, I was detoxing off of Xanax medication, and was going through HELL and terrible withdrawals that was making me call 911 for help at home detox. We both are long distant, she was having a nightmare on her shoulders, as was I with my own demon. I wasn't able to be strong enough for the both of us - and I eventually told her that - which I think she appreciated.[/Quote]

 

Don't know why you got addicted, none of my business and don't care. That's an issue you created. Her sister's death, while eminent, wasn't her fault. Again, she needed someone to help her through a devastating time and couldn't depend on you.

 

After telling her that a lot of my friends think I am crazy for still being with you, she was pissed off, and said, then don't be with me, then don't be with me. I HIGHLY regret saying that, and wish I could take it back, and didn't even mean it the way I said it - it was just something very stupid that came out of my mouth. She then persisted and said, you know what..I am done fighting..we just aren't happy..[/Quote]

 

Just bc someone else says something doesn't mean it should be repeated. You should regret having told her that. This was the straw that broke the camels back. When you told her what your friends thought, you put their opinion and yourself above her AGAIN.

 

Throughout all the talks we have had in the last 4 months, she didn't know what she wanted, but wanted me to just "try", whatever that means. She did mention that she knew I was trying though. 3-4 weeks ago, she mentioned for the first time, that she probably just needs some space with her family, and I failed to "listen" to that, because I was so pre-occupied on about how I was feeling and thought giving her that space would ruin us - I was being weak.[/Quote]

 

And self-centered.

 

This girl has faught like a damn warrior for me and honestly has held us up together - when a lot of moments I was being a dumbass in our past, but adding it up - I really was a great boyfriend, just had some faults, one including something I can never take back -.-[/Quote]

 

Yes, she has been a warrior. You classify yourself as a great bf with "Just a few faults." You're insensitive to the needs of others, insecure, hasn't been part of her support system, etc., even though she forgave you for cheating. Now, in her moment of despair, you continue to be more concerned about yourself.

 

didn't understand her attitude towards me, when I am pouring my heart and soul out to her, to get spat at, yelled at, and treated like a door mat, thats exactly why I stood up for myself.[/Quote]

 

See the last comment. She had enough and began lashing out bc you perceive yourself as a victim. It's not her duty to coddle you.

 

what I have realized, is that I have made this all about me, when it is not. This is about her, and I failed to see that, until recently.[/Quote]

 

^^^^^^^EXACTLY^^^^^^^^ Stop burdening this woman more than you already have. She is working a new job, furthering her education, dealing with the loss of her sister, and the last thing she needs is an insecure bf causing her more grief bc she's not being attentive to your needs and wants. Give her space. Let her be. She needs time to heal. That may take many, many months, and you aren't up to the task bc you need too much reassurance.

[coryreply]

I skimmed until I got to the part where your EX-GFs sister died & then I didn't read anything else. All the rest of whatever you wrote doesn't matter.

 

 

She is SHATTERED because her sister died. She's grieving. She's lost. She doesn't know what to feel or think or even how to be.

 

 

Do you remember how lousy you felt about your last break up or even this one? Multiply that by 1,000.

 

 

Leave her be. She is not in a place where she wants to be helped right now.

 

This is exactly right. Grief changes everything. The best thing you can do for her right now, is give her the space she needs. Love her from a distance. Pray for her. Hang in there.