Author ZA Dater Posted September 17, 2015 Author Posted September 17, 2015 I understand that. Sometimes it is good to take time to love yourself before looking for someone else to share your life with. That's where I was with myself and feeling good - I'd forgotten about men/dating when I met someone out of the blue and fell for him....... but he didn't feel the same. Now I am learning how to deal with rejection. I hope you figure things out - dating and relationships can be complicated and taxing for some of us. I'm fine though. I guess I'm learning all the time. For me all I want is just one fantastic experience, just one and I am prepared to whatever is needed to get that experience.
lino Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I am not exactly the smiling happy face expression sort of guy, am making an effort to smile and laugh at least a few times a day. Find some amusement in life. I'd rate myself successful with her if I get into the proper friend zone, would I like more, sure, but if the best I can do is friend my life would be richer having a friend like her than not having her around at all. Having said that I am going for what I want, which is a relationship. Smiling more is definitely going to help I'd say. Nothing wrong with having more friends either but are you sure you'll be comfortable being a platonic friend for someone you lust after so hard? I couldn't. I have female friends and I view them the same way as I would a sister if I had one. Not one milligram of lust for them. Just 100% friends. Do you have many guy friends or female friends you don't view romantically? If not then I'd be putting some effort there as well. Make friends with people you aren't interested in porking
Author ZA Dater Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Smiling more is definitely going to help I'd say. Nothing wrong with having more friends either but are you sure you'll be comfortable being a platonic friend for someone you lust after so hard? I couldn't. I have female friends and I view them the same way as I would a sister if I had one. Not one milligram of lust for them. Just 100% friends. Do you have many guy friends or female friends you don't view romantically? If not then I'd be putting some effort there as well. Make friends with people you aren't interested in porking I fail miserably at the friends thing because my entire life i have been a loner. Sure I have one or two friends who are mostly like me or older and married. No female friends at all barring obe friends wife. People don't understand why I like this girl, she is unremarkable looking to most but pretty to me. Personality wins the whole thing for me, its really easy to spend time with her and she just makes me go wow. Which much better looking people ibhsvd met don't. Went clothes shopping again, tried on some skin fit jeans, OK I guess. Need decide in outfit for this dinner...
Siquijor Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I just worked out that "me" wasn't really very attractive as I apparently radiated desperation and negativity, so I am trying to create something new. For me all I want is just one fantastic experience, just one and I am prepared to whatever is needed to get that experience. That second quote radiates desperation for sure. I think you need to change your mindset and stop worrying because these vibes you're giving out aren't doing you any favours whatsoever when it comes to finding a partner..
Space Ritual Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Dude, seriously?? You are wasting your time on someone that is your friend only because she can go to black tie events with you. That's all you are to her. I don't say that to try to hurt you, I'm saying that to try to save you from unrealistic expectations. You really would invest that much effort and accept being friend zoned, which you already are? This chick is not the one you want to invest the effort in. she has telegraphed literally every move. Please go find someone else. This chick will cost you too much time and heartache.
Maxtor Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 You are putting her on a pedestal. You are giving her this vibe. Women can feel it. If on her radar, she detects that you are changing your personality and doing everything to win her over, you are done. Thats not an alpha male behaviour, not even a man's behaviour. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Dude, seriously?? You are wasting your time on someone that is your friend only because she can go to black tie events with you. That's all you are to her. I don't say that to try to hurt you, I'm saying that to try to save you from unrealistic expectations. You really would invest that much effort and accept being friend zoned, which you already are? This chick is not the one you want to invest the effort in. she has telegraphed literally every move. Please go find someone else. This chick will cost you too much time and heartache. Find me someone else who "wows" me and I would gladly invest energy in that person. Seeing as for the most part I have to me a super human effort each day to not feel like a total looser because I cant even get one date with anyone I like, I'd rather at least try this, even if its simply just blinding myself to reality. Fact is when I sit with her I am engaged, I don't need to dumb myself down, she is knowledgeable, she doesn't simply sit and talk about clubs, parties, what her friends are doing, yes its possible to have a meaningful discussion with her. I have never had that before.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 You are putting her on a pedestal. You are giving her this vibe. Women can feel it. If on her radar, she detects that you are changing your personality and doing everything to win her over, you are done. Thats not an alpha male behaviour, not even a man's behaviour. I am simply doing what others have told me to do, seeing as what I have done for the last 15 years hasn't even got me kissed I guess its time to listen to everyone else for the change. Why wouldn't someone want to be won over? Especially when they themselves clearly don't have many options on the dating front either.
sid3 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I have to give you a lot of credit for still trying after fifteen years with not even a kiss to show for it. I'd have given up an easy ten years ago.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 I have to give you a lot of credit for still trying after fifteen years with not even a kiss to show for it. I'd have given up an easy ten years ago. Trust me I have basically reached the point where I either get some measurable form of success with this lady or I give up completely. I am all for keep trying, all for trying different approaches and styles but if no measurable improvements are there, then one is simply wasting ones time. I am hoping something goes well because I am really out of ideas as to where I am ever going to find anyone who I find attractive if this doesn't work.
Siquijor Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I am simply doing what others have told me to do, seeing as what I have done for the last 15 years hasn't even got me kissed I guess its time to listen to everyone else for the change. Why wouldn't someone want to be won over? Especially when they themselves clearly don't have many options on the dating front either. Maxtor does have a point. Doing everything to win a woman over can come across as a sign of desperation and depending on the female she may see that as an opportunity to use this to her own advantage. You need to set boundaries for a couple of reasons. Firstly, so you don't get messed around and secondly to obtain respect, which in itself can be seen as attractive. In truth a guy who doesn't respect himself will obviously not be respected by a woman - so coming across as desperate or bowing to her every whim will portray yourself as a doormat in her eyes, and I think that is the point Maxtor is trying to make. For example, the boundaries I make when it comes to women is that I won't ask the same woman out more than twice. After that, the balls in her court and I'll tell her that. Period. If nothing materialises then fine, I'm not going to part the Red Sea for someone I barely know.
sid3 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I am hoping something goes well because I am really out of ideas as to where I am ever going to find anyone who I find attractive if this doesn't work. Really? I can't even step out of my house and go to the store without at least finding someone attractive. I mean seriously, there are literally women everywhere. Although I'll agree, depending on ones age and looks it can feel like a daunting task, half of that is on you though. If your expectations are within reason, it shouldn't be all that difficult, at least not 15 years difficult is what I'm saying. I'm not saying you should definitely lower your standards, I think you should give more women a second look. While at least half of them are bat shyt crazy IMO, for the most part they're all somewhat unique and ateast worth meeting and getting to know.
kassy Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 If it's a black tie event why are you planning on wearing skinny jeans? Surely you will be wearing a tux!!!
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 If it's a black tie event why are you planning on wearing skinny jeans? Surely you will be wearing a tux!!! Its more smart casual than overly formal.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Really? I can't even step out of my house and go to the store without at least finding someone attractive. I mean seriously, there are literally women everywhere. Although I'll agree, depending on ones age and looks it can feel like a daunting task, half of that is on you though. If your expectations are within reason, it shouldn't be all that difficult, at least not 15 years difficult is what I'm saying. I'm not saying you should definitely lower your standards, I think you should give more women a second look. While at least half of them are bat shyt crazy IMO, for the most part they're all somewhat unique and ateast worth meeting and getting to know. That's all good and well if you define attraction by looks, for me attraction is about intellect and intelligence allied to naturally pretty looks.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Maxtor does have a point. Doing everything to win a woman over can come across as a sign of desperation and depending on the female she may see that as an opportunity to use this to her own advantage. You need to set boundaries for a couple of reasons. Firstly, so you don't get messed around and secondly to obtain respect, which in itself can be seen as attractive. In truth a guy who doesn't respect himself will obviously not be respected by a woman - so coming across as desperate or bowing to her every whim will portray yourself as a doormat in her eyes, and I think that is the point Maxtor is trying to make. For example, the boundaries I make when it comes to women is that I won't ask the same woman out more than twice. After that, the balls in her court and I'll tell her that. Period. If nothing materialises then fine, I'm not going to part the Red Sea for someone I barely know. I agree Maxtor does have a point but seeing as I really have no alternatives whatsoever I may as well do whatever is needed to try and get some success out of this. Unfortunately I really am desperate and don't have the option of throwing the ball into anyone's court.
sid3 Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 That's all good and well if you define attraction by looks, for me attraction is about intellect and intelligence allied to naturally pretty looks. Your statement is totally contradictory, maybe you don't see it. Naturally pretty looks is subjective as are the other qualities you listed. You keep holding out for that perfect women, meanwhile I'll be content meeting the rest, flaws and all. I can't say I like them all, nor do I want to screw all of them. I do like women though, reading your posts it doesn't sound like you really do. Maybe that's your problem. If a haircut and skinny jeans changes your success with the ladies I hope youll come back and let us know. Having a girlfriend is not the end all be all that you're thinking. After six or so months she'll likely piss you off as often as she makes you happy. Maybe you're thinking a woman will complete your life, when in fact she should only add to it. IDK
Author ZA Dater Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 Your statement is totally contradictory, maybe you don't see it. Naturally pretty looks is subjective as are the other qualities you listed. You keep holding out for that perfect women, meanwhile I'll be content meeting the rest, flaws and all. I can't say I like them all, nor do I want to screw all of them. I do like women though, reading your posts it doesn't sound like you really do. Maybe that's your problem. If a haircut and skinny jeans changes your success with the ladies I hope youll come back and let us know. Having a girlfriend is not the end all be all that you're thinking. After six or so months she'll likely piss you off as often as she makes you happy. Maybe you're thinking a woman will complete your life, when in fact she should only add to it. IDK I do like them but I like a full package, my friend places massive importance on looks, I don't, for me its how she speaks, what she can speak about, her convictions, her interests (wide range being fantastic but rare to find) and her confidence. Sure, looks do count but they aren't the be all and end all, the lady that is the subject of this thread isn't model like by any means. The truth is I just crave what everyone else seems to find so easily, someone to buy gifts for, someone to take to dinner, some to support when they need it, someone to care about, someone to share experiences and thoughts with. Yes, I'd like to experience the physical side of it too. What really captivates me is personality. I am going to try here and see what happens be me as opposed to crawling back into my shell. The clothes thing and hair style thing is bothering me a lot today, does it really make that much difference, can it really swing one from "no I am not interested" to "yes I am interested"?
Maxtor Posted September 19, 2015 Posted September 19, 2015 I am simply doing what others have told me to do, seeing as what I have done for the last 15 years hasn't even got me kissed I guess its time to listen to everyone else for the change. Why wouldn't someone want to be won over? Especially when they themselves clearly don't have many options on the dating front either. Ok man, whatever. DO as you wish. In the end what it matters is the end results. Lets see if in 2\3 years you won her over. Ill be waiting.
lino Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I fail miserably at the friends thing because my entire life i have been a loner. Sure I have one or two friends who are mostly like me or older and married. No female friends at all barring obe friends wife. People don't understand why I like this girl, she is unremarkable looking to most but pretty to me. Personality wins the whole thing for me, its really easy to spend time with her and she just makes me go wow. Which much better looking people ibhsvd met don't. Went clothes shopping again, tried on some skin fit jeans, OK I guess. Need decide in outfit for this dinner... I would make the effort to make friends then, it's definitely worth your while because they'll stick by you when times get tough much more than any woman you're involved with romantically will. A good majority of them will flee when something goes sour rather than stand by you. I get the impression this woman will stop hanging around you when you don't have such events to take her to where she gets nice food and alcohol for free. Offer to take her for an ice cream or for a walk and see if she still comes. If not, then I'd say that's your answer there.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Ok man, whatever. DO as you wish. In the end what it matters is the end results. Lets see if in 2\3 years you won her over. Ill be waiting. For what it's worth I have been trying for a year already
Siquijor Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 For what it's worth I have been trying for a year already Wow. I didn't think it was that long. I think you need to get an answer from her as soon as possible and stop dragging your feet. If it's not the result you want at least you have closure and you can move on.
Author ZA Dater Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 Wow. I didn't think it was that long. I think you need to get an answer from her as soon as possible and stop dragging your feet. If it's not the result you want at least you have closure and you can move on. I agree a straight answer would be nice.
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