Critique my idea

[ZA Dater]

Somewhat to my surprise 'miss perfect" is attending an event with me as my "date".

 

This being a rather large black tie like dinner, one on one time will be at a premium, however my desire to actually date her is well known.

 

The fact she keeps coming to events as my date seems promising.

 

My approach is going to be to exude the confidence I lacked when I met up with her in the past. Really going to put a lot of effort into how I dress and how I look in terms of style.

 

Instead of doing my old approach I am going to be perhaps a bit more outgoing, be who I am and convey what I think in a polite friendly way.

 

I am with this "date" going to try dispense with the old conservative over thinking me and adopt a more spontaneous, confident approach.

 

In terms of trying to get a one on one date with her, how forward should I be?

 

I was thinking something along the lines of

 

"I hear wine farm ABC has a really superb restaurant, would you like to go for lunch next week" (she enjoys wine farms and food).

 

In the past she also seems to like to hug, I thought about whispering in her ear "I really find you very attractive".

 

Do tell me if these ideas are terrible.

[d0nnivain]

Sounds fine. It's a combo of letting your insides match your well dressed outside & "fake it, 'til you make it."

 

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Somewhat to my surprise 'miss perfect" is attending an event with me as my "date".

 

This being a rather large black tie like dinner, one on one time will be at a premium, however my desire to actually date her is well known.

 

The fact she keeps coming to events as my date seems promising.

 

My approach is going to be to exude the confidence I lacked when I met up with her in the past. Really going to put a lot of effort into how I dress and how I look in terms of style.

 

Instead of doing my old approach I am going to be perhaps a bit more outgoing, be who I am and convey what I think in a polite friendly way.

 

I am with this "date" going to try dispense with the old conservative over thinking me and adopt a more spontaneous, confident approach.

 

In terms of trying to get a one on one date with her, how forward should I be?

 

I was thinking something along the lines of

 

"I hear wine farm ABC has a really superb restaurant, would you like to go for lunch next week" (she enjoys wine farms and food).

 

In the past she also seems to like to hug, I thought about whispering in her ear "I really find you very attractive".

 

Do tell me if these ideas are terrible.

 

After the black tie event, I think it would be better if you said something like "I gotta tell you, you look terrific tonight. Will you go to ABC with me on Xday? They have a great restaurant".

 

I've found the "I really find you very attractive" statement as a precursor to initiating sex oftentimes. You may be want that too, but . . .

[ZA Dater]

After the black tie event, I think it would be better if you said something like "I gotta tell you, you look terrific tonight. Will you go to ABC with me on Xday? They have a great restaurant".

 

I've found the "I really find you very attractive" statement as a precursor to initiating sex oftentimes. You may be want that too, but . . .

 

Thanks I am going to take your advice!

[fitnessfan365]

There's nothing wrong w-letting a woman know that you're physically attracted to her. I mean do you think that women spend so much time staying in shape, getting their hair/nails/make up done, and wearing great looking outfits because they don't want male attention? If you think she looks great in what she's wearing, tell her how beautiful she is and that you can't take your eyes off her in that dress, etc..

 

The one thing I will say though is that it doesn't matter that she keeps going to events w-you. She isn't actually your "date" until you take action, make your intentions known, and actually ask her out. As of right now, she just seems like a tag along buddy in all honesty and the fact that you've wanted to date her and have never attempted to after all this time, might be the reason why you're in the friend zone. But all you can do is put yourself out there and see what happens.

[angel.eyes]

Read his other threads. He has been very clear with her that he is interested in dating and pursuing a romantic relationship. She shuts him down...unless it's a black tie event such as this where there are others at the table. IIRC this would be the third "public" gathering in 6+ months. She has been just as clear that she doesn't see him romantically and is unwilling to even be his friend, let alone GF.

 

OP, don't tell her you find her attractive. That might creep her out. Instead, just comment that she looks lovely in whatever she's wearing. And yes, you could mention that a particular wine farm is having a special event, lunch, etc. and ask if she would like to go with you.

 

I don't want to discourage you, but you are picking a very low probability path. You are more likely to find someone who reciprocates your interest by dating new people. The success rate when a guy relentlessly pursue someone who has made it very clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with him is extremely low...Hollywood movies aside.

 

Either way, relax and have fun at the dinner! I truly hope you find someone soon. It's admirable that you continue to work on yourself and try, rather than giving up. I'm rooting for you to find happiness.

[ZA Dater]

Read his other threads. He has been very clear with her that he is interested in dating and pursuing a romantic relationship. She shuts him down...unless it's a black tie event such as this where there are others at the table. IIRC this would be the third "public" gathering in 6+ months. She has been just as clear that she doesn't see him romantically and is unwilling to even be his friend, let alone GF.

 

OP, don't tell her you find her attractive. That might creep her out. Instead, just comment that she looks lovely in whatever she's wearing. And yes, you could mention that a particular wine farm is having a special event, lunch, etc. and ask if she would like to go with you.

 

I don't want to discourage you, but you are picking a very low probability path. You are more likely to find someone who reciprocates your interest by dating new people. The success rate when a guy relentlessly pursue someone who has made it very clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with him is extremely low...Hollywood movies aside.

 

Either way, relax and have fun at the dinner! I truly hope you find someone soon. It's admirable that you continue to work on yourself and try, rather than giving up. I'm rooting for you to find happiness.

 

I don't think there is a lack of attraction per se I think the issue has been how generally wishy washy and guarded I have been when I have met her in the past. Confidence was an issue then and as other have said it does matter a lot, I decided to improve myself and not over think and rather channel that thinking into confidence. She is supremely confident.

 

 

Probability is what you make of it really, I know her very close mutual friend (the same female who is helping me with my look and image) and from that I know she is really battling to find dates, possibly as much as I am so in some ways that does boost my confidence.

 

 

Another thing I learnt is to not try and rationalise everything, look at things less seriously and lighten up a bit.

 

 

Will the new confidence, different looking me be more attractive to her, I don't know but I remain confident I will be.

 

 

For what its worth she has never said no but hasn't said yes either much the way I have exactly been very decisive either in the somewhat haphazard way I have pursued her.

 

 

My awakening was probably realising I can be better and can present something you may like.

 

 

Any other tips?

[alphamale]

dude forget it, you're already friend zoned

[PaperCrane]

I wouldn't even say friend zoned, she doesn't even want to spend time with him unless she gets to go to some schmoozy get together.

 

He's in the 'getting-used' zone.

[ZA Dater]

I wouldn't even say friend zoned, she doesn't even want to spend time with him unless she gets to go to some schmoozy get together.

 

He's in the 'getting-used' zone.

 

Not sure about this, off topic anyway. Bottom line is she is having fairly serious issues finding guys , what I am told is she wants super fit but she herself cant really be described as fit, curvy perhaps and some people may say she is on the slightly arrogant side of confident. The guys she does want don't pay her any attention. Lots of supposition on my side.

 

 

Just need to figure out how charming I should be, the line between being charming and sincere and overly charming seems to be a thin one.

 

 

Just going to be confident, lots of eye contact, get her to laugh and see where I can go with that. At the end of the day you need to put your very best foot forward and up until now I haven't really done that, this time I am going to.

 

 

Pretty confident if given the opportunity I can really wow her, just need to get myself into the opportunity.

[ZA Dater]

I wouldn't even say friend zoned, she doesn't even want to spend time with him unless she gets to go to some schmoozy get together.

 

He's in the 'getting-used' zone.

 

The line of work she is in, she gets to go to many fancy events...

[sid3]

dude forget it, you're already friend zoned

 

Quoted for truth. I'd like to say good for you in deciding to suddenly act more confident, but that is never the case. That old saying, fake it until you make it is bullshyt. Developing confidence takes work. Invest in doing so, it'll be worth it tenfold.

[alphamale]

Quoted for truth. I'd like to say good for you in deciding to suddenly act more confident, but that is never the case. That old saying, fake it until you make it is bullshyt. Developing confidence takes work. Invest in doing so, it'll be worth it tenfold.

 

indeed….

[ChicagoSparty]

You can convey far more with the hug itself that you can by whispering something trite into her ear.

[sid3]

I'm not so sure a hug will convey much. I'm pretty sure "I find you really attractive" is a bad idea. Nothing wrong with telling a lady she looks great, but there's a difference. And while I'm not the grammar or proper English police, lose the word superb, it not only sounds pretentious but douchey as well. Instead of faking confidence and thinking she's

had a hard time finding dates, just go for it. I think you'll find knowing you grew a pair and went after what you wanted feels just about as good as getting it.

[lino]

The hugging and ear whispering thing I wouldn't do personally. When you have a moment just try to kiss her. If she refuses you know where you stand.

 

I can't emphasise enough though... Whatever self improvement you're doing, do it for yourself and not just for this girl.

 

Does she ever hang out with you outside of formal functions? If not then I wouldn't read that as a good sign.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

You need to flirt with her bro, not make statements. Do not say I find you really attractive, your eyes should be saying that already. If you want to pursue this woman, you need to flirt her into it using your personal characteristics that you think appeal to her and then you need to ask her out knowing that you're likely to get a yes, otherwise rejection. This isn't surgery, it's salesmanship and you're already in a zone, make an escape!

 

*sips Dos Equis and puffs Cuban cigar*

[ZA Dater]

The hugging and ear whispering thing I wouldn't do personally. When you have a moment just try to kiss her. If she refuses you know where you stand.

 

I can't emphasise enough though... Whatever self improvement you're doing, do it for yourself and not just for this girl.

 

Does she ever hang out with you outside of formal functions? If not then I wouldn't read that as a good sign.

 

Well if she hugs me I am not exactly going to say no. I wont do the ear whispering idea seeing as that seems to be a bad one based on the feedback here.

 

I have to be honest, I don't like long hair but I am growing it because maybe ladies like longer hair. That sentence probably does sum up some of the improvements I am making.

 

There isn't much contact away from social functions.

 

Basically I am just going to try and make the best impression I can at this function and see where that gets me or doesn't get me. Objectively she had indicated no interest at all in the past which is a huge negative but in life sometimes you can turn a negative into a positive, albeit in this instance it will be very difficult I admit but far from impossible.

 

The attraction here is very good inherent compatibility, we do similar things, our interests are similar, we are on the same level intellectually. Truthfully I never find either of those two things, hence the reason I haven't walked away from this.

 

Friend has set me up with different people, many of which I have met, most of which are better looking than this lady is but there isn't that inherent compatibility of intellectual parity, one was a swimwear model, stunning she was but there was just nothing besides that.

 

Should I attempt to touch her hand at any point during the dinner?

 

Unfortunately I tend to do what I think is right, only to find its very wrong, want to avoid doing that this time!

[ZA Dater]

You need to flirt with her bro, not make statements. Do not say I find you really attractive, your eyes should be saying that already. If you want to pursue this woman, you need to flirt her into it using your personal characteristics that you think appeal to her and then you need to ask her out knowing that you're likely to get a yes, otherwise rejection. This isn't surgery, it's salesmanship and you're already in a zone, make an escape!

 

*sips Dos Equis and puffs Cuban cigar*

 

Good advice, thank you! I just need to figure out the bold part!

[Siquijor]

Think your going down a dead end with this one OP and I think the only reason she is going to these black tie events with you is not because she's interested in you but to put herself in the shop window so to speak hoping for a hunk to notice her. You're just there for the ride.

 

 

Even if you were an item she sounds the entitled type which would dump you at a drop of a hat if somebody better came along.

[ZA Dater]

Think your going down a dead end with this one OP and I think the only reason she is going to these black tie events with you is not because she's interested in you but to put herself in the shop window so to speak hoping for a hunk to notice her. You're just there for the ride.

 

 

Even if you were an item she sounds the entitled type which would dump you at a drop of a hat if somebody better came along.

 

There aren't really any other interesting roads for me at the moment so if this turns into a dead end road then well it is what it is.

 

She hasn't dated anyone in 3 years so either the criteria is extremely strict or she has some other issues.

 

I see this more as me putting my foot into the pond and trying to do something as apposed to thinking about doing something. Maybe if I look hotter, exude more confidence and mutual friend sells me to her as a catch I may yet have some success here.

 

She doesn't conform to what most would think a 24yo should be an equally I don't conform to what a 31yo should be so in essence we both have the same issue.

[ZA Dater]

I do though, have a better idea of what she finds physically attractive.

[Siquijor]

I don't think you should change just because there's a slight chance she'll suddenly take an interest in you, but so long as you realise that this might not work out, I don't see it doing much harm. If someone else however walks into your life in the meantime and takes an interest in you, let the black tie one go and put your efforts into the new one.

[ZA Dater]

I don't think you should change just because there's a slight chance she'll suddenly take an interest in you, but so long as you realise that this might not work out, I don't see it doing much harm. If someone else however walks into your life in the meantime and takes an interest in you, let the black tie one go and put your efforts into the new one.

 

Nobody as ever taken any interest in me sadly.

[joseb]

Should you touch her hand ? Yes, well timed casual touch like that is all part of flirting. And much better, imho, than whispering you find her attractive.

 

Good luck with your changes. And with her.