foolinlove79 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Hi All. I wanted to get some opinions about this one. I have a friend and she met this guy end of May this year. She has been single for a couple of years after getting divorced. No kids of her own but she does love kids. He is divorced and has 3 kids who all live with him full time. Things have been going really well for them. She really enjoys doing the same things he does, loves his kids, is a real home maker, leaves him to do the things he enjoys etc. But they are now thinking about building a house together and moving in together. I am worried for her (but a bit jaded about relationships I must say). Things that worry me are: 1. He had only just got out of a long term relationship when they met. He had broken up with his girlfriend 2 weeks prior. He told her he broke up with his ex because he just knew she wasn't "the one". 2. They don't know each other that well. I mean they havent even had an argument yet so how can you really know someone that well. This early on i think people are still on their best behaviour. 3. He has a lot of debt - $50000+. Basically he gets by pay cheque to pay cheque so I assume she is going to be paying for most of this. What does everyone else on here think? I know when you first meet someone and you think they are the one you are kind of blinded by it. And they do seem to get along well at this point. But to me it is very early on to be making this kind of decision. Thoughts?
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 The way I see it are that there are three separate issues that may cause concern in your friend's situation: 1) possibility of rebound. Meeting two weeks after a relationship ends can mean for some people that they're simply rebounding into another relationship, and that months down the line they'll want to be single again or realise they were grabbing at straws in order not to be alone. However it totally depends on the circumstances of the last relationship. Some relationships are dead for a long time before the formality of a separation, and if you're the person leaving then chances are your feelings have been waning for a long time. I have known people meet someone quickly after their last relationship and make it work just as well as a relationship between two long term singles. 2) the money. It's a big decision to tie yourself to someone with so much debt, even bigger a decision to plough more money of your own into a joint project when the other person can't pitch in equally. But I'm sure you don't know the full facts of this guy's financial situation, and if your friend wants to take that risk then it's entirely down to her. 3) the kids, this is the biggest issue I would say. You gotta wonder about a guy's judgment and maturity level if he's prepared to move someone he's known a few months into the same house as his three kids who no doubt have had to adjust to a lot already with parents separating! I would also be concerned about the speed with which your friend is willing to cast herself in role of stepmum to kids she barely knows. Says a little that she's living in fantasy land and he isn't putting the kids first. But who knows? Maybe if they're planning to build a home it'll be a year yet before they actually move in, giving them time to blend things more smoothly. On the whole though, it's her life not yours. You can sensitively share concerns if she comes to you for advice but she's a grown up with her own decisions to make and most people in the first flushes of love don't want to listen to anything that ruins that perfection. All you can do is sit back and support her and be there for her if it goes wrong. We don't have kids and didn't have to spend a great deal to do it but we moved in formally after six months, by that point he'd already been staying at mine every night for about three or four months. I've never moved so fast before either but it just felt right for both of us and we've never questioned the speed or doubted it. We've been happily together for 18 months now and although you can't see the future or guarantee any relationship's success, I feel that our living together after six months worked for us and made us both extremely happy, and I've known couples who barely go home after the first date who are still happily together years later. Sometimes two people are just on the same page and don't want to delay the happiness of waking up with each other every day. However if either of us had had kids I know for sure we wouldn't have taken such a rash decision, as it was only us affected by it. Who knows? 1
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I agree with you. She's nuts. Now that you have your validation, keep your mouth shut. At most you can ask her Qs. . . meaning force her to think. But you cannot offer negative opinions. Don't like & give her positive encouragement other than something banal like Yes, I like those curtains. Otherwise you are in a lose/lose situation which will cost you your friendship 5
Tobin Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Way too soon, they're still in the "honeymoon" period of a new relationship where you tend to see only the good and none of the bad, he's got 3 kids living with him full time, the potential for conflict in regard to the children is extremely high, his huge debt load and living paycheck to paycheck while supporting 3 children means she'll almost definitely be supporting them to some extent. Recipe for disaster, but there's nothing you can do to change her mind, all you can do is make her aware of your concerns, and maybe something will click. Worst case scenario, it goes sour and she moves out. Well that's not the worst case scenario, he could financially drain her and emotionally destroy her but let's hope it doesn't come down to that.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 She'd be a DAMNED FOOL to do that. It's pretty obvious this guy is looking for financial help as well as a nanny. And if he's $50,000 in debt, I don't know of a bank whose going to hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars to this fool so he can build a house. Is she actually stupid enough to take on the mortgage debt primarily in HER name - while being a nanny to his kids, working full time, and becoming the new housemaid, chief cook and bottle washer? I'd rather drink Drano. I repeat. DAMNED FOOL. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Thoughts? I just needed to repeat this. She'd be a DAMNED FOOL. 2
Author foolinlove79 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 Thanks everyone. She is a good friend and its like i am outside the situation and thinking she is just crazy to do this. She cant see the issues. But i know it is really not my place to say anything. She is an adult. I dont want her to be hurt. I worry she is going to end up broke or in debt and if it doesnt work out too and she gets attached to the kids she wont just have to deal with the bu but that loss too. I just think such a bad decision. ..
Els Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 I'm not sure this issue is about 'moving in too soon' at all - moving in with someone who is $50,000 in debt is generally a bad idea regardless of what stage of the R the two people are in. How on earth is he going to buy land with her in his financial situation? What are the laws re: transfer of debt to de facto partners in your country/state? Just because they aren't marrying does not necessarily mean that his debt won't carry over into the relationship. But all that being said... as a friend, all you can do is offer advice. Whether or not she takes it, you've done what you can.
Author foolinlove79 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Posted September 18, 2015 I'm not sure this issue is about 'moving in too soon' at all - moving in with someone who is $50,000 in debt is generally a bad idea regardless of what stage of the R the two people are in. How on earth is he going to buy land with her in his financial situation? What are the laws re: transfer of debt to de facto partners in your country/state? Just because they aren't marrying does not necessarily mean that his debt won't carry over into the relationship. But all that being said... as a friend, all you can do is offer advice. Whether or not she takes it, you've done what you can. Where i am his debt becomes her debt and you are both liable. Very scary
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2015 Posted September 18, 2015 Where i am his debt becomes her debt and you are both liable. Very scary That doesn't sound right. You can't liable for somebody's previous debt just because you live with them. Maybe, for debt they incurred while you were together but not what they brought with them unless you take some affirmative steps to agree to be liable. Check your facts.
Author foolinlove79 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Posted September 19, 2015 You are right. .unless they agree somehow to take on the debt it is not their responsibility. I have decided not to say anything or be too encouraging as suggested. I will just stay out of it and let it run its course. Having been in a bad relationship i can just see that even without all these things it is hard work. But throw un all those things that to me would be red flags and i would run a mile.
SSM3 Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 I wish them luck, and it could work. However, reading the story I would be a little worried too.
MissBee Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 Hi All. I wanted to get some opinions about this one. I have a friend and she met this guy end of May this year. She has been single for a couple of years after getting divorced. No kids of her own but she does love kids. He is divorced and has 3 kids who all live with him full time. Things have been going really well for them. She really enjoys doing the same things he does, loves his kids, is a real home maker, leaves him to do the things he enjoys etc. But they are now thinking about building a house together and moving in together. I am worried for her (but a bit jaded about relationships I must say). Things that worry me are: 1. He had only just got out of a long term relationship when they met. He had broken up with his girlfriend 2 weeks prior. He told her he broke up with his ex because he just knew she wasn't "the one". 2. They don't know each other that well. I mean they havent even had an argument yet so how can you really know someone that well. This early on i think people are still on their best behaviour. 3. He has a lot of debt - $50000+. Basically he gets by pay cheque to pay cheque so I assume she is going to be paying for most of this. What does everyone else on here think? I know when you first meet someone and you think they are the one you are kind of blinded by it. And they do seem to get along well at this point. But to me it is very early on to be making this kind of decision. Thoughts? It probably is a foolhardy decision. It's not something I would do. Has she asked for advice? Have you spoken to her? It's tricky. As a friend you care and don't want to see her make a mistake, and for me I know I'd want my friends to at least give me food for thought, but you have to be tactful in how you raise the issue and then ultimately realize your friend will do what she wants. We can't make other people's decisions for them, but we can offer advice, gently. So I'd just ask her how she's feeling and thinking, and questions that might make her think about her decision, but then allow her to choose for herself which way to go.
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