Christos Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Hello, i have written before about a break up i experienced but now i would like to talk about a woman i met online a few days ago and seems to me that has shown me many red flags already. We met online on Saturday. She is 30 and i am 32. We talked a lot. We have been talking a lot via Skype and phone. But many things trouble me already, and i would like your opinion on this, because i don't know if i am too harsh on her, or really those are red flags i should avoid. First of all, she has serious self-esteem issues. Really serious. She says all the time she is ugly, that she thinks no one will love her. When she saw my picture, she said i should find another because she doesn't deserve me. She fears of being alone. She is very lonely. At first, she didn't want to show me a picture of hers, or giving me a description at least. But a day after, she began showing me pictures of her, and she is not that bad. This was the first thing that confused me. She is not a model by any stretch, but seriously, she is not ugly, she is blonde with blue eyes and a decent face. She says she is fat, but she is not that fat, unless the pictures are really old... Second, she talks about marriage and wanting kids often. She tells me her family wants her to have kids, her relatives, all encourage her and some even badmouthing her for not having made a family already. She talks about the house her father had made to give to her husband in order to marry. She talks about how her mother and father have told her that will do everything to support her in married life. I don't know, i think it's too early to focus THAT much on marriage at this point... Third, she gives me many compliments. She said to me i make her feel like a little girl. She said i am perfect for her, and really likes me. She never wastes an opportunity to praise me. I find that suspicious. Sure, i have many qualities, i am not garbage, but i don't think i deserve that much adoration, especially since we have been talking for only 3 days and we haven't even met yet! She even said she saw me in her dream last night, for God's sake! Forth, what she has said about her past troubles me. She says she has been sexually with only one man, with whom she had a 7 year relationship. Starting at 22. She ended that relationship because after she thought she might had been pregnant, and made a test to find out, he behaved very angrily, and told her that if the test was positive she would have an abortion. So he broke up with him. And she has been single and sexless for 1.5 year. I find it hard to believe, considering her self esteem issues, that she hasn't even seeked or allowed sex with another man ever. Fifth, she demands exclusivity from me already. She says she doesn't want to me to speak to anyone else online, and that she fears i might be doing that. She is speaking to me all the time, like we are already in a relationship. She gets irritaded if i don't reply immediately, all the while she doesn't reply immediately at my messages herself... Six, she doesn't want to meet with me soon. Which troubled me, and i explained many times that i am not going to waste my time speaking with a person this much for 1 or 2 months before having the chance to meet them in person. She said that i pressure her and that i am "blackmailing" her into a date. Which is absurd. I just want to meet and talk face to face, we don't live that far away from each other, and there is no point wasting many hours talking if there is never going to be a physical chemistry, it's a waste of time. I am not going to marry her just because she is a "good person". In the end, she proposed to meet me on Saturday. So it seems i might meet her then. All in all, i feel she has serious issues, and i am considering to stop contacting her and cancel the date. Have i spotted a person with some kind of mental disorder or something, or is it me? Any advice?
Siquijor Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) She doesn't want to meet you soon and still demands exclusivity to you? Stop contacting her. Be wary of women who don't want to meet up. Edited September 15, 2015 by Siquijor 3
joseb Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Another example of almost full blown relationship without even meeting. Christos don't get so involved with people online until you meet. Before that is nothing. Personally I'd never contact a prifile without a picture either. She sounds really bad to be honest. Why would you even consider her? I really don't think you are ready for dating yet. You and your ex just broke up. Take some time for yourself. 4
Gus Grimly Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Christos don't get so involved with people online until you meet. Before that is nothing. ^^This. Until you meet someone in RL, it's all just a fantasy. It's not real. Doesn't mean anything. There's a huge difference between text messages/skype/phone and tangible face to face conversations. I know this is a new day and age, but nothing beats good old fashioned reality. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Has she asked you to send money yet? That's the feeling I get. 1
Siquijor Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Has she asked you to send money yet? That's the feeling I get. You could be right. Good way of filtering out these fakes is to ask to see more photo's or speak via webcam.
Author Christos Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Well, i don't think she is a fake who wants money. I have many reasons to not believe that. Plus, it's not really an issue in my country, this fake-"sent me money please" thing is more of a threat in the english-speaking world. I have gotten many such english spam myself, never in greek though... What concerns me, is if she is some kind of psycho/borderline/clingy/needy/crazy woman, or if she is lying about something, like being already in relationship or married, or dating other men, or something serious. I said she "demands" exclusivity, maybe demand is a strong word. She definitely wants it though, and when she said she fears i might be speaking with other women and "be in search mode while in contact with her", i tried to explain that we are not a couple yet, we haven't even met, i can do whatever i want although i really don't speak to anyone else right now, and i expect her to speak to other men too. She didn't seem happy about this, said we aren't operating in the same "wavelength". I am feeling already like being with my ex. She is already nagging, always wants attention. She complained many times that i am too eager to meet her in person, that i am going too fast and she needs to feel ready first to meet me, and that is "up to me", but from my point of view it is SHE who is going too fast, getting too emotional already, acting like we are already in a relationship. She even said to me "i don't wanna lose you". I kid you not. She did. And i was like "WTF, since when you HAD me, in order to lose me?".
jam.over.jelly Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Seriously you even need to ask if those are red flags??? Clearly they are! This woman is insane! 2
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Hello, i have written before about a break up i experienced but now i would like to talk about a woman i met online a few days ago and seems to me that has shown me many red flags already. We met online on Saturday. She is 30 and i am 32. We talked a lot. We have been talking a lot via Skype and phone. But many things trouble me already, and i would like your opinion on this, because i don't know if i am too harsh on her, or really those are red flags i should avoid. First of all, she has serious self-esteem issues. Really serious. She says all the time she is ugly, that she thinks no one will love her. When she saw my picture, she said i should find another because she doesn't deserve me. She fears of being alone. She is very lonely. At first, she didn't want to show me a picture of hers, or giving me a description at least. But a day after, she began showing me pictures of her, and she is not that bad. This was the first thing that confused me. She is not a model by any stretch, but seriously, she is not ugly, she is blonde with blue eyes and a decent face. She says she is fat, but she is not that fat, unless the pictures are really old... Second, she talks about marriage and wanting kids often. She tells me her family wants her to have kids, her relatives, all encourage her and some even badmouthing her for not having made a family already. She talks about the house her father had made to give to her husband in order to marry. She talks about how her mother and father have told her that will do everything to support her in married life. I don't know, i think it's too early to focus THAT much on marriage at this point... Third, she gives me many compliments. She said to me i make her feel like a little girl. She said i am perfect for her, and really likes me. She never wastes an opportunity to praise me. I find that suspicious. Sure, i have many qualities, i am not garbage, but i don't think i deserve that much adoration, especially since we have been talking for only 3 days and we haven't even met yet! She even said she saw me in her dream last night, for God's sake! Forth, what she has said about her past troubles me. She says she has been sexually with only one man, with whom she had a 7 year relationship. Starting at 22. She ended that relationship because after she thought she might had been pregnant, and made a test to find out, he behaved very angrily, and told her that if the test was positive she would have an abortion. So he broke up with him. And she has been single and sexless for 1.5 year. I find it hard to believe, considering her self esteem issues, that she hasn't even seeked or allowed sex with another man ever. Fifth, she demands exclusivity from me already. She says she doesn't want to me to speak to anyone else online, and that she fears i might be doing that. She is speaking to me all the time, like we are already in a relationship. She gets irritaded if i don't reply immediately, all the while she doesn't reply immediately at my messages herself... Six, she doesn't want to meet with me soon. Which troubled me, and i explained many times that i am not going to waste my time speaking with a person this much for 1 or 2 months before having the chance to meet them in person. She said that i pressure her and that i am "blackmailing" her into a date. Which is absurd. I just want to meet and talk face to face, we don't live that far away from each other, and there is no point wasting many hours talking if there is never going to be a physical chemistry, it's a waste of time. I am not going to marry her just because she is a "good person". In the end, she proposed to meet me on Saturday. So it seems i might meet her then. All in all, i feel she has serious issues, and i am considering to stop contacting her and cancel the date. Have i spotted a person with some kind of mental disorder or something, or is it me? Any advice? She's desperate and trying to lock you down. She likely hasn't had much if any real attention and so will grab on and hold as tightly as possible to anybody who gives her that. I'd cancel the date if I were you. She wants an "instant" relationship. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) Walk away and don't look back. What I find funny is that she won't shut up about how perfect you are. Yet she doesn't want to meet you in person. If she really thought so highly of you, wouldn't she want to spend time w-you ASAP? For future women you meet, my advice is to back up what you say w-action. Take this woman for example. You say that you have no intention of wasting your time on women that want to spend forever talking before meeting. Yet when she continues to show that she's the stonewalling type, you keep engaging her. Always have a walk away mindset if a woman doesn't have what you're looking for. So if another woman you meet wants to keep delaying meeting in person, you simply tell her that you'd like to meet her but if she's not willing to get together anytime soon, that you wish her luck. Then you stop talking to her if she doesn't want to meet up. If you don't make a woman feel that sense of urgency and anticipation, she'll just keep things at status quo. Edited September 15, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 So she really is saying she wants to be exclusive but not actually meet? Yeah, at least there is no incongruity there. /sarcasm Run. No seriously. Run. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Christos, you talk a helluva game for someone who is in such a dumb position. Ditch the self-hater. Go on some dates with women who believe in real life. 1
SandraTempleton Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 How many more red flags do you need? She sounds seriously unbalanced and the longer you continue to communicate with her the more she will drag you into her drama. I like to think that at that beginning of the relationship, it's meant to be fun. You are getting to know each other in person, sharing stories, physical touch whether it's holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out, having sex together, etc... Do you really want to cheat yourself out of all these things for someone you don't know? Who from the sounds of it doesn't make you feel very good. If I were you, I would exit now and block all means of communication. If you think going NC without an explanation is cruel, you could calmly explain once and only once that you believe she's moving too fast and you haven't even met yet. You wish her well but this isn't the relationship for you. After that I would completely block her. No need to listen to 101 reasons why she can't meet right now, how you are the one for her, etc.... Just don't even go there. 2
RecentChange Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I would be running for the hills!!! Unhappy self loathing people just aren't my thing. I am not a "good enough" person to do all the lifting this kind of person needs. I just end up being yet another meanie in their life. 1
Author Christos Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 (edited) I thank you all for your responses. I would like to fill the rest of the story. I kept in mind the red flags, and your advice, and proceeded to meet her in person, went out for a few dates, treated her really well and made a lot of effort, and stopped dating her altogether because, she was, in fact, insane. I just had to find out on my own i suppose... Long story short (no need for many details) she was short and fat. She had a cute face and i liked her, and i thought that if she made an effort to lose weight and take care of herself, she could be quite good looking. Still, since i don't care that much about the appearence of a woman and i see the "total package", i still wanted to give her a chance, learn more about her. The weight she can lose anyway. So, the problems: 1) She never made any effort to see me. She expected from me to do all the work. 2) She cancelled dates, for various excuses, most of those lies i suppose but i will never learn for sure. She told me she had been hospitalized, had to stay at home for a few days, other days had lots of work, her wallet was stolen with all of her monthly salary inside, various stuff like that. It seemed to me all bad things happened to her everytime... 3) She had eating problems, blamed being fat on her fertility treatment (BS), she also had money management problems 4) She refused to give us a chance to have some time alone and become intimate. She did make the first move to kiss me, and we exchanged some kisses, but she seemed to want to avoid staying alone with me until she is "ready". 5) She talked to everyone about her dating. EVERYONE. Her doctor, her coworkers, her family, her friends, everyone and their dog knew everything about me. All the while she had asked me to keep our dating a secret for the time being... 6) When i decided to end things with her, because she didn't make any effort, she went ballistic. Many phone calls, messages, she became angry with me, disrespected me completely. During the time we talked, she tried to shift blame to me, saying i was pushing her, that i wanted sex on the first date, that she isn't a @#$ to offer me that. I replied that i thought her behaviour was shady, and i didn't trust her. She took this as a personal attack, told me i call her liar and i disrespect her, and then proceeded speaking to me worse. I asked her to never contact me again... She called me a psycho (!) and better for her to not meet me because i could have butchered her... I am out of words... The details are more "juicy" than this, and this woman clearly is disordered, but i wanted to keep this as short as possible... This is the last of online dating for me. Never again. Lesson learned... Edited October 11, 2015 by Christos
Lansing Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 Sorry to hear but I wouldn't blame online dating. You gut told you she wasn't good but maybe you yourself were a bit desperate to want to "try". You could have moved on after all of those redflags came up. Personally I don't do online dating but it does work for some people. 1
Author Christos Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 Sorry to hear but I wouldn't blame online dating. You gut told you she wasn't good but maybe you yourself were a bit desperate to want to "try". You could have moved on after all of those redflags came up. Personally I don't do online dating but it does work for some people. Well... after i decided to dump her completely, she did offer sex to me... Plus to work out our issues. At that point, i didn't take the offer. Too much drama. It is not about desperation i think. The real reason is because i had begun to doubt myself and my perception of reality, of what is appropriate to say and do and what is not. I suppose my recent break up from a LTR is at least partly to blame. I needed to find out for myself, even though i trusted my gut and your advice here. I kept dating her for a month, and decided to let you know, your advice was sound, just in case someone else faces the same dilemma in the future...
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