Love is Definitely Blind

[metaversus]

For a year he told me he didn't want a committed, monogamous relationship with anyone. I always knew that just meant he didn't want a committed, monogamous relationship with me, but I was in denial.

 

A lot of it stemmed from the beginning of our relationship. I messed up by rushing things and being a brat one too many times. In the beginning he pursued and acted like was interested in a relationship with me. After I pushed him too far it was never the same. He saw an insecure side of me he didn't like, deemed that I was never going to be the one and there was nothing I could do to change his mind.

But mann I tried everything to get things back to the way they were before . . To get his passion for me back. I never could.

 

Because the passion he expressed in the beginning (first 3 months) I have never felt with anyone else. All night love making into the next day. Holding each other, snuggling, affection, talking all night into day about everything. Laying in bed holding each other and talking until afternoon. Going out to shows, dancing, movies, brunch, dinner. Making music and creating together. The way he held me when we danced. The way he moved. Sharing space, co-working and brainstorming together. The connection I felt with him I have never felt with anyone else. He loves and creates all the things which are most important to me and then some. His unusual upbringing and ways of thinking. His kind, gentle spirit. His beautiful mind. And it doesn't help that he's exactly my type physically, which is extremely difficult to find (very tall, skinny, long hair, manly). And his pheromones. . .

But he has that gift, the Pisces gift of being relate able to anyone.

 

I remember when I first met him thinking this guy is cute, but it took me about 3 weeks to start having any feelings for him. This was after my subconscious vetting process of trying to find every possible thing wrong with him. Once I decided he passed I let myself fall hard.

 

It was a very exciting time for me. A new place, and a new bout of confidence.

I knew what he was capable of when he loved someone and I wanted his love more than anything in life.

 

He kept me around as a placeholder for a year until he found the woman he wants to be with. He started with online dating while he was traveling for work. Then it expanded to home. He was trying to f'ng hard to meet someone who wasn't me. Someone he could trade up for. I would call him out and we fought about it a lot. I stopped seeing him several times over it, but I would always come crawling back a month (or less) later. He never came back. He was fine when I left, but he would always let me come back and tell me he missed me too. He would tell me he was just checking status/messages and wasn't trying to find anyone else. It was all a bunch of bs. I was his rebound from his previous relationship, a woman he said he would have married had she felt the same way about him. The woman he is with now shares many similar characteristics to the woman he was with before me.

 

But to be honest here and to myself, I guess he didn't really keep me around either. He just let me be around. He let me spend time with him, a lot of time, because it was convenient. He let me take care of him and love him, but he didn't let me call him my boyfriend. He told me I was his best friend and lover. He told me he loved me. I was never ok with an open relationship and allowing it to continue caused me great anxiety and insecurity. I started taking pills sometimes for the anxiety. The passion died in our intimacy and our sex became formulaic. He had a difficult time staying aroused. Once I caught him asleep at his desk with his pants down and hand on his d a few hours after we had had sex. I was simply lucky he was isolated and I had a car. He was lonely up there on top of the mountain, living where he worked in exile from his past, and I was good company to ease his loneliness, but I was never the one.

 

And as time progressed, he started creeping out of his cave again. He started teaching again at this cool social co-working space in the city where he's a member. A l33t place he introduced me to. I started going with him, but realized what he is teaching (as cool as it is) isn't something I want to pursue/focus on at this time of my life. I started going to the space sometimes on my own to work on my own projects, but I have social anxiety and it prevented me from really getting to know anyone there. Sometimes I would stop by his class after band practice, but as time went on I thought it was good to give him space to do his thing so I stopped going.

 

And inevitably he met her, the woman he'd been waiting for. A strong, independent, entrepreneurial, younger nerdy socialite, who is friends with everyone and can augment his life status, and she shares the same life dream as he does, which he is now teaching her how to develop.

 

And as they started getting to know each other, he started distancing himself from me, but he told me nothing was wrong when I asked, that I had nothing to worry about. I knew something was up, so I snooped, and I found their texts. Their texts were innocent, friendly, but I knew it was leading to something.

 

But I didn't break up with him over that. I broke up with him because he had lied to me the week before, telling me he was going to sleep when he really went out on a date.

And I went insane, created a fake FB account and 'warned' her about him. I told her he's poly and loses interest really fast. She broke up with him over it. She suffered some kind of past trauma I triggered by doing that. He was devastated. I had compassion, did damage control and fixed it. She told me she understood where I was coming from and he forgave me. I never contacted her again in any way after that.

He is in love with her now and dedicated to her in a committed, monogamous relationship. He is happier than he's been in years and is giving her everything I wish he could have given me.

We were supposed to go to an intense festival in the desert together, but we broke up about a month before. I had two girl friends flake on me after that and I ended up going alone. I had a really tough time out there, and came home only to go out and run into him with his new girlfriend.

 

Things went from bad to worse after that. His gf had a panic attack when she found out I was there, and they decided he's not allowed to acknowledge me when they're together. He told me I retraumatized her by simply being there (I had absolutely no contact with her since that one incident) and and that needs to stop. He told me he needs to keep me away from her for her well-being. We had talked the night before when I ran into him for the first time in a month. When I saw them I went to leave (while having a breakdown) and he texted me asking if I was still there and if I wanted to talk. He reiterated that I'm like family to him and he wishes so much we could remain in contact and be friends. The next day he texted and asked me to let him know if/when I thought we might be at the same events. He said he'd do the same, so we don't run into each other. He said seeing him triggers me badly, and I need to keep living my life without him in it. He was only concerned with his girlfriend and her well-being.

 

I need to go strict NC and get this guy out of my psyche, but I also need to not run into him for awhile. We live in the same area and like a lot of the same things, so this is tricky.

So where does this leave me? Broken and drowning in a sea of loneliness. Melodramatic I realize, but accurate. I'm 36 and feel like I am never going to be able to fall in love again. I feel unlovable. I feel unworthy of the type of man I want. I'm not getting any younger and my stock is plummeting. I'm attractive but my looks will only go downhill now. Most of the men I know my age are dating women in their 20's. This is the way things seem to be trending these days.

 

I also have social issues and I don't know how to fix them. People seem to like me once they get to know me but breaking the ice is difficult. I'm terrified of rejection. I've always used online dating as a tool to meet men because it's easier, but the quality of single men has seemed to go downhill after 30. The few attractive men on these sites know they're attractive and have many options.

 

I have many issues at this point in my life and I have no idea how to fix myself. My energy is very closed off right now and I am extremely sensitive to everything. Love is the one thing I've always wanted most in life, and it's the one thing life has never allowed me to have for more than a fledgling moment. I feel like everything else is obtainable except for that. I am really scared of being alone the rest of my life. I feel bitter and angry and I don't like who I am becoming.

Edited September 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[coryreply]

I'm really sorry you're hurting. I know it's painful. This all will pass and things will get better for you soon. I promise

 

I'm a bit concerned about how you're dealing with all of this. Are you in counseling right now?

[BlueBlood]

You're a writer. A creator of worlds with words, I'm guessing? Your command of your own devastation, it's like an autopsy in type. A writer or an artist.

 

And a good one, I'd bet.

 

You feel but you also analyze it. Passions and despair, fear and your sins, all laid out there. That was pretty damn brave of you. I feel your hurt. I feel clocks ticking and it's very stripped of any veneer or pretense. I don't know what he wanted and I don't know why he didn't see it in you, but you have a gift. Small comfort perhaps now as you bleed out slowly, but you do have a gift, a way to take what's your experience and transfer it to the page. That was hard to read and I couldn't stop reading it. There is power in that.

[metaversus]

Thank you for your kind words. It's tough right now. There are many things in his life I still wish I could be a part of which I now find myself having to avoid, and there are many things I wish I could share with him each day.

 

I'm in a holding pattern with therapy b/c of my new(ish) job. I'm supposed to have new health insurance but I haven't received any details about it yet and the HR lady at work sucks.

 

Therapy has helped me in the past, especially CBT (someone told me I should try MCBT), since I tend to ruminate and fixate on things.

 

 

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting. I know it's painful. This all will pass and things will get better for you soon. I promise

 

I'm a bit concerned about how you're dealing with all of this. Are you in counseling right now?

[metaversus]

Thanks so much for feeling inclined to write this. It moved me to tears and soothed my heart a bit with your empathetic validation.

 

You're a writer. A creator of worlds with words, I'm guessing? Your command of your own devastation, it's like an autopsy in type. A writer or an artist.

 

And a good one, I'd bet.

 

You feel but you also analyze it. Passions and despair, fear and your sins, all laid out there. That was pretty damn brave of you. I feel your hurt. I feel clocks ticking and it's very stripped of any veneer or pretense. I don't know what he wanted and I don't know why he didn't see it in you, but you have a gift. Small comfort perhaps now as you bleed out slowly, but you do have a gift, a way to take what's your experience and transfer it to the page. That was hard to read and I couldn't stop reading it. There is power in that.

[metaversus]

I'm feeling artistically paralyzed right now, but I'd like to try and break through that barrier. I have a feeling once I do it will all start flowing out.

 

It's unfortunate that it will all be attributed to him. I'm uncomfortable that the inspiration I am feeling to create and learn is inspired by what he taught me. I don't want to be reminded of him anymore. I'm sick of thinking about him all the f'ng time. I wish I could erase his memory from my mind.

 

Heading to a music festival this weekend where I'll actually get to to dance (the intense one in the desert didn't allow for much dancing unfortunately). Dancing is a great source of healing for me.

 

He wanted an independent; secure; nerdy; ambitious; extraverted; confident, social climbing gamer chick. Someone fiercely intellectual who could understand all his anime and culture references. Someone who can continually excite his sensibilities, knows how to do her makeup flawlessly, reps a cool style, etc. Someone 'larger than life'.

 

They probably have amazing sex.

 

I can totally understand why he fell for this girl, which is what makes it even more difficult and painful. I couldn't measure up to what he wants. I didn't 'get it' enough. I wasn't 'cool' enough in his world. The qualities this girl has are admirable, and if she wasn't 7 years younger than me, I'd feel like I had a shot of building myself up to that level.

 

I told him: "The one thing I'm struggling with the most, is how for a year you told me you didn't want a committed monogamous relationship with anyone, and then ended up in a committed monogamous relationship with the first girl you met after me, a girl you believe you've traded up from me for."

 

His response: "I understand how that might seem contradictory. I didn't want one and I still don't in general because I work 18 hours a day. I have a lot of issues to work out and I feel a long road of working for my redemption is ahead but I have ended up in one and am trying to manage. It wasn't a comparison or something I had decided already. It was just friendship till you had to separate from me for both our goods, because it wasn't working and it was hurting you to prolong it.

 

She happened afterwards and it's complicated. I've got issues still and this is not an easy time in my life but I am trying to keep moving forward and finish my work and hoefully get healthier. I want you to grow and find happiness too, and I am glad you're pursuing that path. I hope I can be helpful by our continuing to talk and support each other getting better."

 

I think it will all be ok in time, but I feel a great sense of loss right now. I miss being with him. I'm constantly imagining him doing the same things with his new girlfriend that he did with me, except he's trying harder because he values her more than he ever did me. She probably feels like the luckiest girl in the world to have his love and devotion.

 

I need to not waste anymore energy on him, but it's consuming me. I don't know how I am going to top him. He was so many things.

[metaversus]

I think they may be soulmates. I think he's going to marry her unless she leaves him and breaks his heart. I hope she does.

 

 

I am truly obsessing over this. It's almost all I can think about. I think about it immediately upon waking up. I think about it many, many times throughout my day. I think about it when I get home. I think about it before I go to sleep, etc.

 

Mostly I think about them together, what their dynamic might be like and how much fun they must be having now together. I think about how much happier he must be now that he’s doing the things he missed so much. I was the woman he was with while his life was on hold. She's the girl he wants to be with while he's actually living his life to the fullest. He recently lost his job, which was actually the best thing that could have happened to him, and because of it he has to move off his mountaintop and is spending a lot more time in the city. I wonder if he's been staying at her place. Is he going to move in with her?

 

None of this should be my concern I realize. . .

 

I just wish so much I could have been in his life for this next chapter too. I enjoyed the previous chapter with him a lot, but waking up with him and spending more time in the city together would have been amazing. I would have loved to be part of his new social life. It hurts so much that I never would have been the woman he chose to live this part of his life with. I was only good enough to be the woman he was with when he was living in exile.

 

Ugh, I need therapy so badly. I need to practice better behavioral patterns of thinking. I ruminate on this crap so much. It's terrible stress. Still waiting on the health insurance. The HR lady is now on leave for a week due to some personal issues. I work for a startup so there isn't anyone else who can help. She updated me last week telling me I should receive information soon. The info can't come soon enough.

 

So there's this tech-social-work-learn space in the city that they are both active members of. They know and are friends with everyone there. They're beacons of the f'ng community. It's their 'scene'.

 

He introduced me to the space and I was going there a lot until we broke up. I liked working on music there and always found the energy inspiring. It's a very important, central, social hub in my city. A difficult place to avoid for one into the things I love.

 

I was never able to make strong connections with the patrons there because I am shy to break the ice with people. Once people get to know me they usually like me. I think I just didn't hang around long/often enough.

 

Towards the end of our relationship I had pretty much stopped going there. I was giving him space to teach his class during the week. I had been going to and participating in his class, but realized it isn't something I wanted to actively pursue right now, and I generally wasn't in a very productive phase of my life due to constantly feeling insecure and anxious about my relationship with him.

 

After I officially ended things (to his relief), he was quick to make his move on this girl who comes to his class every week and works in the same industry as he does. So he and I shared a special musical connection. But she and he share the love of games, which trumps music for him and is the most important thing in his life.

 

A hot nerdy gamer who found his ultimate nerd gamer chick, and they both fit every nerd stereotype.

 

And yes, as I wrote before, now they are completely smitten with each other. They really are perfect for each other, and I think they will be together a long time to come.

 

I have imagined them playing games together when they are old. =-(.

 

I like video games, a lot, but I could never be on the same level they are as far as loving them. I don't have the background to be able to relate with him about the gaming industry in the way she can. There is a certain cultishness about gamers. They like living and staying within their gamer world bubble.

 

And there are just so many THINGS. I know I am not like her, and I actually think it's OK that I'm not. I'm just having a difficult time accepting she's ultimately who he wanted and I'm not. It’s so difficult when you feel such a strong soul connection to someone who doesn’t feel it back. I am constantly going over and over all the reasons in my head why I'm not good enough for him. It has completely destroyed my self-esteem, and in my 36 years of life I have never met anyone similar to him. I know I have to let this go and move on with my life. It's stupid not to, but the process of doing so has been really slow, painful and difficult.

 

So I made a grave mistake by going temporarily insane when we broke up and I found out he was with this girl so shortly after. I created a fake social media account and 'warned' her about him. I was surprised when she actually listened to me and told him she would only see him in class. They were both devastated about it though. I had compassion, made things right and fixed things between them. She told me she understood where I was coming from, that she understood my suffering, and that was that. I thought she was super cool for doing that even though I was insanely jealous. They lived happily ever after without anymore interference from me.

 

A month later when I ran into them at a club (after having no contact with either of them for a month) she had a panic attack because of my presence there. Apparently she suffers from some kind of trauma she experienced in the past that I now trigger in her.

 

But really come on. Manipulation tactic?

 

All I did was tap him on the shoulder, say hello, and then left (and had an emotional meltdown). I had no interaction with her whatsoever. Maybe she got insecure when he texted him to ask if I wanted to talk. I probably would have reacted the same way at 29.

 

Now if I were in her shoes I would give the ex a hug and her I was sorry she was suffering. I would give my boyfriend and his ex space to talk and be ok with it (as long as he went home with me ).

 

So the next day he texted and told me he needs to keep me out of her life for her own well-being. This shouldn’t be an issue, except that we are all into the same things and sometimes the world feels small, especially when we all live in the same area and are into alternative culture.

 

And there is something that has not been sitting well with me. That I now find myself having to avoid going to places and doing things, which will prevent me from finding/establishing community. They get to have this awesome tech-social-work-learn central hub of a community, and I have to live in exile? There is only so long I can hide. I am lonely and need to do what is best for my growth and well-being.

 

So I told him that I am going to start a music meetup group at this central hub of a tech-social-work-learn space in the city. He had encouraged me to do this for months before, but I was lazy and happy in my complacent dependence on him for companionship/community. Mann I was so in love and smitten with this guy. When I was with him I felt completely harmonious in my heart.

 

I definitely feel that fading (the in-love/smitten part) which is good. What bothers me most now is the pain of feeling like he is irreplaceable. I wish I were able to conjure up an imaginary guy who would be better, but one whom would actually be into me. He's such an amazing catch. I don't feel like I will ever be able to do any better.

 

So now everything else feels like settling, or a step down from him, and it sucks.

 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about community, and how to find it. This is something I have denied building for myself over the past year because of my dependency on him. I keep coming full-circle to this place, and how I should be able to be a part of it too. It's not THEIR space. They don't own or have any claim on it.

 

So, after telling him I am going to do this, he threatened me by telling me I would be banned from going there if I didn't attempt to reconcile with his girlfriend. Because my presence triggers her trauma, even though I am not directly doing anything to trigger it, I need to stay away.

 

I am willing to reconcile with his girlfriend. I don't have any issue with her other than I believe she's using trauma as an excuse to mask her insecurity of having me around (of course I won't tell her that). We don't have to be friends. We just have to coexist if we are in the same space. I don't see why that should be such an issue.

 

So I will go to this meeting there tomorrow night and present the idea for my group, and I am worried she is going to cause drama/trouble for me. I will be mortified if they tell me I am not allowed to be there because my presence ‘triggers her’. My ex told me he is going to talk with her today, but I am not very optimistic she will be open to reconciling with me as she had a panic attack last time she was made aware of my presence and told him she never wishes to see me again.

 

Why do the group there and not somewhere else? Because a lot of people who are interested in this type of music already go there. This place is well-known and as I’ve written, a central social hub in the city which is important to alternative culture and free-thinkers. If there was another space like it I would go there. I like it there and I can't let them bully me into not going where I want to go and doing what I want to do.

 

You can’t run away from your problems forever. Sometimes you have to face them head-on.

 

I chose to do the event on day neither of them have anything happening there, so they do not have to show up there on that day during that time if they do not wish to. It's not that I want to be around them either. I just want to be able to go there and build a community. I will not let them do to me what happened to him years ago.

 

Sometimes I think he punished me for what happened to him. I was the unfortunate rebound victim.

 

 

It feels right that put on my big girl panties, face my fears, stop hiding, and end up creating/doing something I really love which will help me connect with people and make new friends.

 

I just really hope she does not do anything to jeopardize that, because I will defend myself to the bitter end if I have to. I could understand if I had done something to threaten her, but I have not, and the incident before was resolved. Nothing further has happened/occurred since then.

 

To be continued I guess. . .