FuraVirgens Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 DISCLAIMER: This isn't a positive text. If you're in anyway suffering please don't read. It's not one of those moments where you can relate to someone who's also suffering. Also, if you're "sensitive" I don't advise you to read as well. I'd like to start by saying that I don't know why I'm writing this. It makes no sense at this time in my life even if I can't prevent some obvious conclusions you'll for sure draw if you read the whole thing. I'm not sure if I'll know what to do with any of your thoughts or even if I'm unconsciously asking for advice. This words are here for the simple reason of being written but anything else regarding my intentions in doing so is as much a mystery to me as to anyone else. Somewhere around the summer of 2011 the best part of me died (I know the exact date and hour but I'll keep it like that for privacy concerns). Arguably the only good part. The only part I've ever been proud of. I had a three year relationship with a person three years younger. I was on my late teens starting college. It was an improbable hook up since we had known each other for a few years and we didn't like each other that much. It's actually safe to say that we kinda despised each other. Being both highly intellectual something sparkled and we were on. The three years weren't perfect. Not close. Many arguments and misunderstandings. A few of them were normal. Most of them could've been avoided. Not for a second I doubt my love for her though. I'm by no standards a nice person today. I was, specially in the months leading to the breakup, even worse. I lost my virginity to her, a fact that even today I've never admitted to anyone except her. I lied to her about it saying I had had multiple partners. I keep lying about it to this day to my friends and I lied about it to another kind of long term relationship I just had. It's not the same, of course. Nowadays I don't talk about the subject and I'm not asked so it's more a "passive" lie rather then an "active" one. But not when I was with her. It wouldn't have made any difference regarding our relationship had I come clean but it's just an example of how screwed up I am. As I was saying, she was my first woman, first serious relationship and first and only love. I treated her like garbage. Sure, she had her issues but I did many wrong things in those days. I was arrogant enough to think I was in control and I went as far as saying a couple of times amidst arguments that the whole thing was over just to hear her beg for me. Well, this last bit is an interpretation, those moments were just so explosive that I only wanted the whole thing to stop which far more benign but there was some sort of manipulative and downright evil intention in those moments: "I will make you think I'll walk away from "us" if you don't stop with this". I could do it at the time. I loved her but I was always more rational than her. She was pretty rational and cold too but I saw her cry multiple times and never once I did the same. There were, of course, good times. They're boring and unnecessary to talk about except for one thing: we created a world where we fit in. She was a highly social person and so was I at the time but we had our world. It was intellectual, artistic and exclusive to both of us. Although very both individualistic it was common for us to agree about (after some very "rigorous" debated between us) wild variety of things whether those were people, facts, ideas, etc. We weren't just together; we formed a kind of "collective" entity regarding the way we saw the world. Or at least, for the most part of the three years. When that "world" started to crack so did the sex (which was pretty good until then) and all the rest. I saw it coming. Although I had never experienced something like that I knew that we were growing too far apart. So, one day over something that we would normally (in our best days) debate and reach a conclusion, we had a major fight. We talked the next day and for the first time she wanted to let things go. I was mad and told her that if she wanted to break-up she would never see me again. She was shocked but resisted... and then it hit me what that would mean. It was like a tsunami of feeling rushing through the brain. An overwhelming flow of confusion and pain. It felt like my control and my mean attitude for the entire duration of our relationship had been all an act and I was finally feeling something. Something awful. So, I asked her to reverse her decision. She was hesitant but finally said yes. She needed a day to process the whole thing but she kissed me and said we were still together. I wasn't relieved. I've never been relieved since that day to be completely honest. In the next day I went as far as to talk to one of her female friends (something so out of character at that point that you wouldn't believe...) just to get a few hints... Obviously didn't help. Three days go by and she finally breaks-up with me. Says the last two days when I was finally acting differently and really realizing what I had almost lost were an anachronism. Says we were too late and that "her body" had gotten used to the distance. Says she prepared herself for the break-up because she though I was going to do it and now she can't go back. I try to change her mind with no avail. I get angry. Really angry. Blinded by it I pick up everything I have from her in my house and go deliver it on the spot. It was books mostly but also a small bottle and a picture she had gifted me. I cut myself and spread the blood on the covers of one of the books and then I showed her both my arms and the book. Told her some rally nasty things. A few hours later, another breakdown. I cried for the first time in at least 8 years and the first time as an adult. I was able to talk to her more calmly and apologized for what I said the night before. At the time I was between anger and piercing sadness. I spent a week at a friend's house unable to be alone. I would work during the day. Sent a couple of agonizing texts and a week later we talked. I admitted my "secret" (see above). Not sure why even to this day. It was decent and we saw each other again in that day. Feelings turn as soon as the anesthetics of just being with her start to wear off... Talked to her a few times online via FB (which I had just created). I talked to my parents; cousins I was never close to and haven't been ever since; my friends; our mutual friends; her friends. I bored everybody to death with the issue. Finally I close all ties about a month after the break-up. I would pass her street just to see her car (we live very near) but then I would go away. Slowly and painfully stopped talking to her friends. About a month after this weird NC I see her in my faculty in a table with mutual friends. I give handshakes to the men and two kisses on the cheek to the women (I'm European) except her. Didn't even look at her. I started to smoke marijuana (had never used before). I made new friends. I started to do cocaine (had never used before). I went out a lot more then I used to. I started to smoke (cigarettes, I mean). I took prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressive pills for a few months (didn't work). I spent a ton of money in all of that. After more than four months suffering like a dog I called her. Didn't have her number but I knew it by heart. It's been more than four years now but I still know it. Had a stupid and pathetic conversation for an hour. Said I wanted to see her again. We did. It was really ugly. If you think Closer (the movie) is dramatic, we beat that. She told me she had sex with another guy. I spat on her face. Then I kissed her. It was really bad. I acted like a creep and told her I had cheated on her during out time. It was a lie but got through to her. It was my "revenge". Served no purpose, as you can imagine. Saw her a month later and said "hi". I was high on ecstasy or some other crap. Suffered for months. And a year went by. Suffered some more. By an unlucky coincidence I started to see her car near my work. Did the math pretty quickly. A few months later saw her with her boyfriend. It was the guy who she had slept with. I didn't break his neck like I promised I would even though I could've done it easily. I was fat at the time. I've always been fat since I was a kid with a few brief moments of fitness. I decided I had to stop. Quit all the drugs and alcohol. Started to exercise and began a diet. Lost 15 KG in the first two months. Kept on pushing, another 10 KG in the next three months. Started to get better... Accepted my guilt after almost two years. I'll fast forward. Right after I lost 28 KG's in less than 6 months I met this girl. Cute but crazy. First fling (no sex tho) I had in over two years. Lasts three weeks or something. At that time I met another girl who would end up being my best friend (she had a boyfriend at the time). We were like that for many months. Then we started to be more than that. Lasts for nine months. Breakup. I go NC right away. Two months later she comes back. Another six months. Breakup. Her fault, no regrets unlike the other situation. This last breakup was two weeks ago or so. Don't even remember the day... I wasn't in love. This person is worthless. She broke-up with me (not the other way around) but honestly it's irrelevant. I don't miss her. I miss what I had with my first ex. Every single day. It's impossible to talk to her after our last conversation and I don't want to. At least the rational part of me. Correction, the sane part of me. I hate her if anything. I like to hate people. Aesthetically I mean: if something was meaningful it's supposed to have an opposite reaction when it's broken (I know this isn't what you aim here in the forum. I'm not advising anyone, obviously!). I've never really loved anyone since her. I'm on another diet (yeah... got fat again although not as fat as previously) and I'll start to run soon too. I'll get fit and get on another thing. Maybe even a good relationship. I'll still pass her street once in a while just to see her car. It's like walking on my grave and somehow I'm compelled to it. I've seen her a few times and sometimes a photo pops up in a mutual friend (she's, of course, blocked) but my heart doesn't race anymore. We don't exchange words or looks. We're strangers. As I come to an end of this text I look at my arms. I can still see the cuts and burns. Almost invisible, but still there. That remains, but nothing else. My NC rules are weird but effective so I have nothing from her. Not a log, not a photo and my visual memory is awful. So I have my cuts turned scars. I healed. Yes, in my really screwed up way, I healed. And so what?
NoLeafClover Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I Just wanted to let you know I read this. You are having a low day. Give it some time, you will feel better. Dont dwell too much on your ex. Life goes on and you should care after herseld. Dont make her your point of happiness when to her you are simply an ex. Forget her, do you; stop the drugs, drinking etc. Continue to work out, push yourself, find new hobbies.
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