highseas Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I have not been in your shoes, OP, but I feel that I would probably feel like you do--upset. Technically she was not cheating on you. You know that. Others have pointed that out. But it's not about cheating, but about the degradation of that genuine connection that you felt with her that first date, and how easily she could just turn around and sleep with another man. Yeah, I think I would be upset also. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I would be. Another factor in this is this guy, whom you said you dislike. That adds to the problem. Yet another factor is her hanging out with this guy and bringing you along. Yes, that lacked class as someone suggested and I agree. But as someone has suggested, after testing her water with different men, she decided you were the one. Another way to look at it may be: she had a great connection with you and wanted to make you exclusive. Going to bed with this other guy was like having one last indulgence before she committed herself to you and had to end her promiscuous ways from the old days (assuming she has not cheated on you once you got exclusive). If things have been going well with your gf I wouldn't dump her over this. But you would still think about it--hopefully not for too much longer if you still want to be with her. But after some serious discussions over this you should get over this gradually and not bring it up after this "discussion period", or else it will destroy the relationship. All of this presumes that you want to continue, but you seem unsure. As I said, I myself would not end this just because of this, but if you work with her and make her realize why you are upset and if she is considerate, you can get over this.
giblesp Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 There's this thing in the modern dating world, where until both people officially say they are not having sex with other people, they continue to see other people. It can be a source of confusion and instability further on down the line. I'm not going to say its right or wrong but I am going to point out that its not what your looking for to be in a stable, happy relationship. I personally would end it at that point, as its quite simply not the opening to a relationship I'm looking for. It would also to me indicate, that we see the world from different perspectives and would be incompatible further on down the line. By all means see a therapist, but don't start thinking there's something wrong with you for feeling upset by this, its just not feeling right for you, that's fair enough.
giblesp Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Why do you men do this stuff like ask a woman how many sexual partners she had or the freakiest stuff she ever did or who she slept with? Trust me. You never want to know our answers. That crap is in the past. Learn to leave it there. In your next relationship' date=' yes next relationship since this new revelation has tarnished your love, leave well enough alone.[/quote'] OP isn't having issues with her past, he's having an issue with what she's been doing while she's been in his life. There's a difference.
regine_phalange Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I always found this part of US dating culture hard to understand. I mean the "exclusivity" process. Here if you meet someone, get to know them a little, go on a date, and then call them or text them, it's implied that you are exclusive, even if you part ways after a week. Having sex with someone else than the person you started dating is considered tacky and rude at best. Most people here would think its totally unacceptable. I'm not saying that it is globally unacceptable, just explaining the cultural difference. 1
Winterina Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Even in non exclusive relationships, especially those you know have good potential to progress to exclusive, you should still TELL THE TRUTH and not hide anything important like sleeping with another man. I would also be hurt, wonder about std, and wonder if she can be so manipulative to lie to you that he was just friend and comfortable enough hanging with both of you at the same time - what kind of character that is. Certainly nothing good can come out of someone like that in the long run. Situation would be different if she made sure you understood that there is someone else, and if she never put the two guys she was banging together without their knowledge of each other...while presenting him as a friend. Better don't let emotions get the best of you now and you will save yourself some trouble later and perhaps waste years of your life.
central Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 There are two very distinct approaches to dating: the one-at-a-time daters, and the multi-daters. I'm in the latter category, and don't understand the inefficiency and attitudes of the other group - and they clearly do not understand mine. Are you of the singly-dating philosophy? She is clearly of the multi-dating philosophy. Until you are exclusive with someone, IMO they are free to date anyone they wish, and do anything they wish. I do agree that it may be tacky to sleep with more than one while dating others, but evaluating sexual compatibility IS part of the dating process as far as I'm concerned. You are special as you are the one she chose.
fitnessfan365 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 It was your first date...not your first anniversary. All that matters is that she's been completely faithful after you two became a couple. 1
wb1988 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) This is not the type of question you should ask on LS or ANY online forum, or anything online. You will only get 3 answers: 1. "your gf isn't an object" or "you weren't exclusive" uber-liberal-dead-inside type. 2. "if it was the opposite (man instead of woman) then why is it different" MRA type. 3. "you knew about her past, it's your fault for dating her" business-minded type. The reality for these answers: 1.It completely ignores true feelings and makes relationships very clinical as if it's a business contract. Yes it may be within the 'rules' but it did hurt you and she would have known it would down the line. But then again, you weren't exclusive so it's not something you can be mad at her about. 2. You should analyse the situation from both ends, would you have done it if you were in her shoes? What would you do if you were currently in her situation? 3. You obviously saw the best in her and chose to ignore her past but at the same time you did know that she ****s on the 1st date. In that sense you are at least slightly to blame. I think it's best to just ask your friends and family, they are the only ones that will give you advice that actually takes your feelings into account. Edited September 15, 2015 by wb1988
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I think you're entirely justified in your feelings and it's a huge problem and complete turn-off if a man or woman has overlap in sexual partners like this. If a man or woman has sex with you, then has sex with someone else, they obviously don't care about you much or have any sense of fidelity to you. There's no way I would have the stomach to continue a relationship under these circumstances. For her, her promiscuity was not "in the past" - it polluted your current relationship, in my opinion beyond repair. I'm sorry for the bad news, but glad you learned this now, rather than years down the line when you had a life and family with her, and it could have been even more sickening. 1
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I was wondering, how hurt would you be if this happened to you? Would you break up with her if you loved her? How do you think I can get beyond this and trust again? I don't know that I would be hurt to find out my partner had slept with a guy after we met and had sex but before we were exclusive.. but it would make me a bit.. "uneasy". I wouldn't break up with her if it was a good thing between us but I'd be a bit concerned regarding her promiscuous past and keep an eye open. You can never trust another person completely, you never know what they might do, sometimes they don't even know. Heck we can't even trust ourselves not to do something so how can we trust others! In this case you have a bit more reason to keep that proverbial "one eye open" more than perhaps another guy that was with a girl without such a sexual history but I'm not seeing a dealbreaker here, at least not as far as I'm concerned. It just might bother you- in a way it would have been better if the two of you did not have sex on the first date and then this guy did her after you- but it happened that way and it sucks and it's a mark on the relationship but if you stay with her, and over time you see she has no interest in any other guy then you can start relaxing, if of course you're able to get past this. My suggestion- give it time, don't make any rash decisions. Also- you got mad and "said some things you shouldn't". There's no excuse for disparaging insulting comments which may just amount to verbal abuse- especially in a situation like this where she really didn't do anything wrong or even deceitful. Own your anger management issues, and work on them. Or they will plague you forever.
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