My girlfriend slept with someone else three days after our first date

[tawayrelmtv]

We have been in a relationship for six months. We have had some fights but we have had what I would describe as one of the closest connections in my life. When we first met, she asked me out and it felt like an extremely genuine connection for me. I was able to talk about so much and so easily. I think it was the same for her. We slept together on the first date and after a month she told me she wanted to be in a relationship with me. She had quite a promiscuous past leading up to our relationship. Fast forward to this past Thursday night and I heard someone in the bar where I work make a comment to me that didn’t make sense, about how his friend had a fling with my now girlfriend at the time we got together (it’s a small town). When I went home, I asked her point blank “Have you slept with anyone else since you have been with me?” She didn’t want to tell me and I could see quickly what the answer was. She revealed that she slept with that guy (whom I strongly dislike because he is extremely annoying and an out of control alcoholic) three or four days after our first date. She then would hang out with this guy and go drink for about a month (whom I had thought was just her friend) until she decided to be in a relationship with me but she claims nothing happened during this time. During this month, when she was hanging out with this guy, she would sometimes invite me also and the three of us would hang out (although I didn’t enjoy his company).

 

Finding out that she slept with this guy after she got together with me fills me with rage and sadness. I feel like such a tool also for hanging out with him during this time, thinking they were just friends. When she told me this I was perhaps more upset than I have ever been in my life. Here was one of the most authentic connections I ever had and she sleeps with someone after she has been with me. I know what she did was not technically cheating because we were not yet in an exclusive relationship at the time, yet I am beside myself. I am currently seeing a therapist and will see my therapist tomorrow. It was just a few days after our first date but I thought our connection was very genuine and that’s what hurts. I think that part of the way I feel comes from issues I have from when I was a child. I was wondering, how hurt would you be if this happened to you? Would you break up with her if you loved her? How do you think I can get beyond this and trust again?

[TunaCat]

If it was only a few days after your first date, so what?

 

You weren't exclusive with her. She had every right to see & sleep with whoever she wanted. I am not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong, because feelings can't be wrong, they just are.

 

No I wouldn't be hurt at all because you two weren't exclusive and for heavens sakes, you had only been on one date. Yes it was an intimate date, but it was still only ONE DATE.

 

Trust should not be an issue because she did not cheat on you. She slept with someone else a few days after her date with you. How can your trust be affected by something she did before you guys were exclusive?

[Ami1uwant]

You guys weren't exclusive, she didn't cheat on you...end of story.

[ColoredBlack]

She shouldnt have kept it from you under the guise of him being her friend. Keeping it from you this long does seem a bit manipulative. Im sure if she would have told you back then things would have possibly turned out much differently as a couple.

 

While I dont think you should go as far as to not trust her, you have a right to be upset with the manipulation.

[Jj66]

It's a given that you weren't exclusive

 

But personally I would be hurt even if I knew I shouldn't be. I don't think she should have hung out with the both of you at the same time. I think that showed a lack of class. It's not an egregious offense but it's not classy. You were Eskimo brothers and didn't know it. I'm assuming he was in the dark about you as well.

 

I would try to get over it. At least she didn't lie about it which is a real positive for her and should bolster your trust in her being honest when it would be so much easier to lie.

[torturedartist]

We have been in a relationship for six months. We have had some fights but we have had what I would describe as one of the closest connections in my life. When we first met, she asked me out and it felt like an extremely genuine connection for me. I was able to talk about so much and so easily. I think it was the same for her. We slept together on the first date and after a month she told me she wanted to be in a relationship with me. She had quite a promiscuous past leading up to our relationship. Fast forward to this past Thursday night and I heard someone in the bar where I work make a comment to me that didn’t make sense, about how his friend had a fling with my now girlfriend at the time we got together (it’s a small town). When I went home, I asked her point blank “Have you slept with anyone else since you have been with me?” She didn’t want to tell me and I could see quickly what the answer was. She revealed that she slept with that guy (whom I strongly dislike because he is extremely annoying and an out of control alcoholic) three or four days after our first date. She then would hang out with this guy and go drink for about a month (whom I had thought was just her friend) until she decided to be in a relationship with me but she claims nothing happened during this time. During this month, when she was hanging out with this guy, she would sometimes invite me also and the three of us would hang out (although I didn’t enjoy his company).

 

Finding out that she slept with this guy after she got together with me fills me with rage and sadness. I feel like such a tool also for hanging out with him during this time, thinking they were just friends. When she told me this I was perhaps more upset than I have ever been in my life. Here was one of the most authentic connections I ever had and she sleeps with someone after she has been with me. I know what she did was not technically cheating because we were not yet in an exclusive relationship at the time, yet I am beside myself. I am currently seeing a therapist and will see my therapist tomorrow. It was just a few days after our first date but I thought our connection was very genuine and that’s what hurts. I think that part of the way I feel comes from issues I have from when I was a child. I was wondering, how hurt would you be if this happened to you? Would you break up with her if you loved her? How do you think I can get beyond this and trust again?

 

You can't get beyond this. It's always going to f-u-c-k things up for you. So move on, and the next time you find a woman who will readily sleep with you on the first date (meaning she gives it up pretty easily), make her sign a contract with you that she won't have sex with anyone else again. Problem solved.

[LilaMarie]

We have been in a relationship for six months. We slept together on the first date and after a month she told me she wanted to be in a relationship with me. She had quite a promiscuous past leading up to our relationship.

 

 

Finding out that she slept with this guy after she got together with me fills me with rage and sadness. I know what she did was not technically cheating because we were not yet in an exclusive relationship at the time, yet I am beside myself. I am currently seeing a therapist and will see my therapist tomorrow.

 

 

I was wondering, how hurt would you be if this happened to you? Would you break up with her if you loved her? How do you think I can get beyond this and trust again?

 

 

 

 

To answer your questions...I would not be hurt or even upset because up until you become exclusive it's none of my business what the other person does.

 

 

No, I would not breakup with anyone over that.

 

 

I hate to answer your question with another question...shouldn't you ask your therapist these questions? Aren't they better qualified to help you discuss your emotions etc.?

[tawayrelmtv]

 

I hate to answer your question with another question...shouldn't you ask your therapist these questions? Aren't they better qualified to help you discuss your emotions etc.?

 

Yes, definitely. I am working on this with the therapist. Regardless of whether or not we break up, the fact that this issue affects me a lot reflects that I have growing to do. I wanted to get an idea of how other people would feel because I know my thoughts/feelings on the matter are very irrational. Just from the few responses I have received so far I can see that people have many different feelings on the matter.

[torturedartist]

Yes, definitely. I am working on this with the therapist. Regardless of whether or not we break up, the fact that this issue affects me a lot reflects that I have growing to do. I wanted to get an idea of how other people would feel because I know my thoughts/feelings on the matter are very irrational. Just from the few responses I have received so far I can see that people have many different feelings on the matter.

 

What matters is how you feel, and from your post I sense this doesn't make you feel well. And you'll never feel well about it. So move on.

[tawayrelmtv]

What matters is how you feel, and from your post I sense this doesn't make you feel well. And you'll never feel well about it. So move on.

 

So you don't believe that people can get over things, forgive, let things go? I would hope that since we have a loving relationship, I can find the strength to do this. But you don't seem to think it is possible. Why?

[BlueBlood]

So you don't believe that people can get over things, forgive, let things go? I would hope that since we have a loving relationship, I can find the strength to do this. But you don't seem to think it is possible. Why?

 

Why do you need strength for this? You barely knew each other and you were totally fine to sleep with her. So it's only ok if you sleep with her but she can't sleep with others when you barely know each other? Bit hypocritical of you. She owed you nothing at that point. Nothing. And she sure as heck doesn't owe you emotional support now over this. If anything she's probably beginning to eye the nearest door. You're making a mountain of a molehill here.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Why do you think you had an "extremely genuine connection" with her? When did you find out about her promiscuous past? Why do you think you love her?

 

I agree that it's not classy and especially to have you two hangout. It's not just manipulative, it's disconcerting and shows that maybe your relationship isn't as authentic as you think it might be. I would break up with her and move on completely.

[tawayrelmtv]

Thank you for all the responses so far. It's very interesting how many people have such different perspectives on this.

[tawayrelmtv]

Why do you need strength for this? You barely knew each other and you were totally fine to sleep with her. So it's only ok if you sleep with her but she can't sleep with others when you barely know each other? Bit hypocritical of you. She owed you nothing at that point. Nothing. And she sure as heck doesn't owe you emotional support now over this. If anything she's probably beginning to eye the nearest door. You're making a mountain of a molehill here.

 

I don't know why I need strength for this, it's not a rational thing. It just hurts a lot. I think it is related to trauma I experienced with my mother when I was a child. At the same time, it seems like some other users can relate to my feelings...

 

I am glad to hear your perspective.

[aussietigerwolf]

Have you talked to your gf about how you feel?

[tawayrelmtv]

Have you talked to your gf about how you feel?

 

 

Yes, we are talking about it too much. I got very upset with her about it and said some things I wish I did not. I can tell this is destructive in the relationship.

[tawayrelmtv]

In your shoes, I wouldn't have hung out with her and her male "friend" to begin with. If I found out that she had sex with that same male friend after we started seeing one another, I would immediately break things off with her.

 

As I mentioned in my original post, I thought they were just friends, nothing more...

[lino]

Yuck. Who knows how many other guys as well which you haven't found out about yet?

 

I'd not make someone like that my girlfriend.

[lolablue17]

It depends what was really happening on those few days, since your first date, until she slept with him.

 

If after the date you both were lovey-dovey, talking + texting all day, and was really one into each other, then it's very disturbing, because in that case she was misleading you.

 

But if it was a formal date, and you just were talking about a possible second date, with no special hot crazy bonding in the air, then you were just a date - a possible future option, so she wasn't misleading you.

[torturedartist]

So you don't believe that people can get over things, forgive, let things go? I would hope that since we have a loving relationship, I can find the strength to do this. But you don't seem to think it is possible. Why?

 

I sense some righteous anger in your response. Unfortunately it's the meek who will inherit the earth, and not the righteous.

 

Anyway, this guy has trust issues. And the woman he's with has fidelity issues. That's a bad match.

[tawayrelmtv]

I sense some righteous anger in your response. Unfortunately it's the meek who will inherit the earth, and not the righteous.

 

Anyway, this guy has trust issues. And the woman he's with has fidelity issues. That's a bad match.

 

It seems like some of the point of your response is to troll or provoke me. Anyway, you are right I have trust issues. Whether or not she has fidelity issues, I am not sure... we weren't in a relationship yet.

[mightycpa]

We have been in a relationship for six months. We have had some fights but we have had what I would describe as one of the closest connections in my life. When we first met, she asked me out and it felt like an extremely genuine connection for me. I was able to talk about so much and so easily. I think it was the same for her. We slept together on the first date and after a month she told me she wanted to be in a relationship with me. She had quite a promiscuous past leading up to our relationship. Fast forward to this past Thursday night and I heard someone in the bar where I work make a comment to me that didn’t make sense, about how his friend had a fling with my now girlfriend at the time we got together (it’s a small town). When I went home, I asked her point blank “Have you slept with anyone else since you have been with me?” She didn’t want to tell me and I could see quickly what the answer was. She revealed that she slept with that guy (whom I strongly dislike because he is extremely annoying and an out of control alcoholic) three or four days after our first date. She then would hang out with this guy and go drink for about a month (whom I had thought was just her friend) until she decided to be in a relationship with me but she claims nothing happened during this time. During this month, when she was hanging out with this guy, she would sometimes invite me also and the three of us would hang out (although I didn’t enjoy his company).

 

Finding out that she slept with this guy after she got together with me fills me with rage and sadness. I feel like such a tool also for hanging out with him during this time, thinking they were just friends. When she told me this I was perhaps more upset than I have ever been in my life. Here was one of the most authentic connections I ever had and she sleeps with someone after she has been with me. I know what she did was not technically cheating because we were not yet in an exclusive relationship at the time, yet I am beside myself. I am currently seeing a therapist and will see my therapist tomorrow. It was just a few days after our first date but I thought our connection was very genuine and that’s what hurts. I think that part of the way I feel comes from issues I have from when I was a child. I was wondering, how hurt would you be if this happened to you? Would you break up with her if you loved her? How do you think I can get beyond this and trust again?

Three things jump out at me. They are in bold.

 

You don't like some guy, but you hang out with him anyway. You find out that this girl, with her promiscuous past, was sleeping around when she first met you. And it fills you with rage and sadness. On top of that, you're seeing a therapist, which means something is wrong with the way you think... not that it's your fault, necessarily, but something is wrong.

 

To answer one of your questions, I've been there before (except for the hanging out part). I didn't care. I kept seeing her anyway, and eventually, she didn't want to sleep with him anymore, just me. I won.

 

But you? Sadness and rage and confrontation. I think you feel betrayed, even though you weren't. You're going to make both of you miserable, and you've already got a pretty big head start on that. Let this one go, and then go get yourself fixed before you try and deal with something like this. Once you have resolved your issues, you may just find that you connect with people a lot better, and this one won't seem so special.

[Cupid's Puppet]

 

Finding out that she slept with this guy after she got together with me fills me with rage and sadness.

 

Why do you men do this stuff like ask a woman how many sexual partners she had or the freakiest stuff she ever did or who she slept with? Trust me. You never want to know our answers. That crap is in the past. Learn to leave it there. In your next relationship, yes next relationship since this new revelation has tarnished your love, leave well enough alone.

[torturedartist]

It seems like some of the point of your response is to troll or provoke me. Anyway, you are right I have trust issues. Whether or not she has fidelity issues, I am not sure... we weren't in a relationship yet.

 

Dude, I have trust issues. And therefore I avoid women I can't trust, which to be honest with you is the majority of them.

 

The kind of woman you're describing makes me feel really uneasy on your behalf, because again, you're a guy who needs more validation from his woman, not unlike me.

 

I'm not trying to troll you. To be honest I'm a little effed up and I didn't even realize that you were the OP. I didn't mean to talk about you in the 3rd person, but I think that's my only crime.

 

And with that I think I'll be moving to a more lateral position. Good night all!

[nouedis]

I get where you're coming from and let me just tell you that yeah it may hurt for now but in the end you have to remember that y'all weren't exclusive yet. So whoever she talked to and slept with was of her business. There's no need to let this effect your relationship profoundly, you know?

Take it easy. She chose you in the end, didn't she?