oberkeat Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) I was putting an oil change on my calendar when I realized it's been three months since the last time I went on a date. I've gone on zero dates since June, and haven't really come close to setting up one. Before I quit online dating, I was averaging several dates per month,but I just hated the process, with all the flakes, serial daters, etc. I have been putting myself out there in the real life somewhat (mostly just exploring my own hobbies), and couple times I've attempted to strike up conversations with women I encounter there. But when I do try to make conversation it doesn't last long. They give short answers, don't really ask question, etc. It's as if they aren't really interested in talking to me or they're afraid to talk to me. What am I doing wrong? Edited September 15, 2015 by oberkeat
Jj66 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 "You just has to be there". No way to know what's going on without actually being there and observing.
GooseChaser Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 - might have something else on their mind - might not be in right mood - might not be interested for whatever reason - might not feel comfortable hanging out with man they don't know in setting you approached them in-- isolated location? - might just want to be left alone to their own devices - might be taken or otherwise unavailable
carhill Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 What am I doing wrong? Too many pesticides and herbicides and not enough organics. Think less, feel more. Organically. 5
Author oberkeat Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Too many pesticides and herbicides and not enough organics. Think less, feel more. Organically. If I could dislike a reply, this would be it.
carhill Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 That's OK, I've got 39,000 more you can dislike too. How about adding some opinion of your own, or are you on a roll tonight? It's symbolism. Happy to explain if you aren't so hostile. 1
torturedartist Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I was putting an oil change on my calendar when I realized it's been three months since the last time I went on a date. I've gone on zero dates since June, and haven't really come close to setting up one. Before I quit online dating, I was averaging several dates per month,but I just hated the process, with all the flakes, serial daters, etc. I have been putting myself out there in the real life somewhat (mostly just exploring my own hobbies), and couple times I've attempted to strike up conversations with women I encounter there. But when I do try to make conversation it doesn't last long. They give short answers, don't really ask question, etc. It's as if they aren't really interested in talking to me or they're afraid to talk to me. What am I doing wrong? You're just not all that interesting. Seriously, I mean starting with the fact that you were putting an oil change on your calendar. It doesn't strike me as something that a real adventurous, hell-raising guy would do. Tear that calendar off your wall. Burn it outside, near some dry grass. Hope that you remember to get your oil changed. If you go over by a couple hundred miles, your engine isn't going to just seize up. Trust me, I'm going on an extra 9k or so. Loosen up, dude. Find a dangerous hobby. Get a motorcycle (but be sure to stay up on your maintenance). Become someone that other people will want to talk to. Hope that helps. 4
Author oberkeat Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 That's OK, I've got 39,000 more you can dislike too. How about adding some opinion of your own, or are you on a roll tonight? It's symbolism. Happy to explain if you aren't so hostile. I'm listening.
LilaMarie Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I have been putting myself out there in the real life somewhat (mostly just exploring my own hobbies), and couple times I've attempted to strike up conversations with women I encounter there. But when I do try to make conversation it doesn't last long. They give short answers, don't really ask question, etc. It's as if they aren't really interested in talking to me or they're afraid to talk to me. What am I doing wrong? Maybe they are caught off guard. In movies, that would have been the perfect setting to meet someone but in real life I've heard that women don't like to get hit on anywhere but the bar...I've heard it makes them uncomfortable. If you see them again, I think you should just say hi or ask how they like the weather...keep it short until they warm up and feel comfortable talking to you. THEN you can have a conversation with them. Try it
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Have you tried going to group events? I never felt too comfortable if a lone guy approached me out of nowhere, but I met lots of interesting people at a big group party (bonfire, potluck, and folks bringing beer). At parties like that you feel safer, and you have at least some common acquaintances, so conversation has a starting point. How you look matters, too. No one expects sexiest man of the year, but someone that takes care of their health by maintaining a good weight, that has a nice smile, and shows he takes pride in his clothing/home/car and is kind to animals is going to be ahead of the curve, ya know? Try dental whitening and working out if those can be done safely and within the advise of your doctor. Go get a haircut at a place that is a bit more upscale, if you have a beard, keep it neat. Read. Keep up with the news and read books or subscribe to a publication that fits your tastes and keeps you current on cool stuff. Valetmag is an online men's magazine about style that's curated towards more classic with just a touch of trendy thrown in. Invest in yourself. Take up a sport if you can, white water rafting, hiking, running, whatever suits your fitness level and tastes. Maybe look at your diet. Perhaps now is the time to start eating clean? Or the time to move to a place where you feel more in tune with the local flavor and style?
GravityMan Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Seems like you're trying too hard, OP. Carhill's right...talking with people tends to go much, much better when it's organic and spontaneous. Such people don't have an agenda and don't care about outcome. The mind's awesome and all...but it can also trip you up or freeze you if you let it get in your way. I'd also suggest keeping conversations short and simple initially with strangers (but still open and friendly)...some women need time to warm up to a stranger, especially a male stranger. BlueBlood also has good advice about group events (ideally with friends/acquaintances). Lots of people meet each other thru a mutual friend or friends at a party or other social event. Attendees are (usually) loosened up - and there's an unwritten expectation for people to mingle, socialize and have fun. The visualization I'm getting of your attempts to interact with women just gives off an impression of awkwardness and an unnatural, forced vibe. I'm also wondering if you're paying attention to their body language before you decide to approach. If she wants to be left alone, it usually shows in her body language. Nonverbal cues and communication are vital; pay attention to them. 3
nouedis Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Don't come off strong. Play it chill and be simple with them. Women know when you're coming on to them and they will shut you down and you're proving evidence of that. Next time, don't strike up the conversation. Just let it come naturally. It works every time for me wherever it is I'm at. It'll work for you, too. I promise.
Author oberkeat Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 Seems like you're trying too hard, OP. Carhill's right...talking with people tends to go much, much better when it's organic and spontaneous. Such people don't have an agenda and don't care about outcome. The mind's awesome and all...but it can also trip you up or freeze you if you let it get in your way. I'd also suggest keeping conversations short and simple initially with strangers (but still open and friendly)...some women need time to warm up to a stranger, especially a male stranger. BlueBlood also has good advice about group events (ideally with friends/acquaintances). Lots of people meet each other thru a mutual friend or friends at a party or other social event. Attendees are (usually) loosened up - and there's an unwritten expectation for people to mingle, socialize and have fun. The visualization I'm getting of your attempts to interact with women just gives off an impression of awkwardness and an unnatural, forced vibe. I'm also wondering if you're paying attention to their body language before you decide to approach. If she wants to be left alone, it usually shows in her body language. Nonverbal cues and communication are vital; pay attention to them. This sounds good, except the bit about parties and stuff isn't really an option for me. Most of my friends are married couples who don't really do parties and don't really know any other single people except myself. Don't come off strong. Play it chill and be simple with them. Women know when you're coming on to them and they will shut you down and you're proving evidence of that. Next time, don't strike up the conversation. Just let it come naturally. It works every time for me wherever it is I'm at. It'll work for you, too. I promise. But isn't this a catch-22? If I don't approach and try to strike up a conversation nothing will happen because it's a fact that even if women find you attractive, they won't approach you. At the same time, initiating contact seems to generate a cold or indifferent response.
TB Rhine Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 1. Be attractive. 2. Don't be unattractive. 3
Author oberkeat Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 1. Be attractive. 2. Don't be unattractive. And I thought carhill's comment was unhelpful
jam.over.jelly Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 And I thought carhill's comment was unhelpful I see why women don't seem to want to talk to you. You have absolutely no sense of humor. LOL! And a bit uptight. Loosen up! 2
BlueBlood Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Alright, let's try this another way. What do you love to do? What are your hobbies, OP?
joseb Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 This sounds good, except the bit about parties and stuff isn't really an option for me. Most of my friends are married couples who don't really do parties and don't really know any other single people except myself. Then get new friends. I've pretty much put my married friends into the 'nice to meet when possible' category, but usually they are too busy picking paint colours or other exciting activities, so I'm making new friends. 1
joseb Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 And I thought carhill's comment was unhelpful A lot of people mistake the term attractive and think of it as purely the way you look, and something you can't change. Attraction is a lot more than just appearance. And even there, a change of clothes, diet, working out, etc can make a big difference.
Author oberkeat Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Alright, let's try this another way. What do you love to do? What are your hobbies, OP? I collect vintage film posters, read books, watch foreign films, etc.I like to exercise. I also enjoy yoga. Some people think that's for sissies, but the classes I take actually require a great deal of mental and physical strength. Not that I go there just to find girls, but it's generally in those classes that I encounter most attractive women these days, and where the women tend to be quite guarded.
Kofybean Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 You aren't doing anything wrong. I think these boards have you assuming that women are 100% socially aware, and if there is any break in a conversation it is your fault. Most of these comments aren't helpful either. They all sound like the generic "just have confidence, be yourself, relax, etc" wth? That's not even helpful. Your problem comes down to some girls not wanting to talk to you. Just keep saying hi to people; eventually one of them will talk back. There is nothing wrong with you, and you aren't an uninteresting person just because a few girls would rather post on IG than take a few moments to talk to real person. I'd never go back to online dating, btw. I was putting an oil change on my calendar when I realized it's been three months since the last time I went on a date. I've gone on zero dates since June, and haven't really come close to setting up one. Before I quit online dating, I was averaging several dates per month,but I just hated the process, with all the flakes, serial daters, etc. I have been putting myself out there in the real life somewhat (mostly just exploring my own hobbies), and couple times I've attempted to strike up conversations with women I encounter there. But when I do try to make conversation it doesn't last long. They give short answers, don't really ask question, etc. It's as if they aren't really interested in talking to me or they're afraid to talk to me. What am I doing wrong? 1
Author oberkeat Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) You aren't doing anything wrong. I think these boards have you assuming that women are 100% socially aware, and if there is any break in a conversation it is your fault. Most of these comments aren't helpful either. They all sound like the generic "just have confidence, be yourself, relax, etc" wth? That's not even helpful. Your problem comes down to some girls not wanting to talk to you. Just keep saying hi to people; eventually one of them will talk back. There is nothing wrong with you, and you aren't an uninteresting person just because a few girls would rather post on IG than take a few moments to talk to real person. I'd never go back to online dating, btw. Such nice words, kofybean. I have one female friend who I think of as a point of reference. She and I have great conversations. The first week we met, we went to a coffee shop and talked for six hours. She and I get each other. She's not hard to talk to at all, and she actually contributes to the conversation. She actually seems interested in what I have to say and she's nice to me. Is that too much to ask of women these days? Edited September 16, 2015 by oberkeat
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