How I handled a break is the biggest regret in my life

[ChicagoSparty]

This should be essential reading.

 

Expanding on my first post in here, I was definitely missing the relationship for mostly the wrong reasons. Our year together had been stressful a lot of the time; as it turned it, it was probably the BEST of our three together. Think about that. I desperately missed her children, but it also killed my ego that I had "lost." The father of the children had been such a nuisance during our relationship that, and I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, I took a sense of pride after a while that she was with ME and he was finally seeing the consequences of his awful life choices.

 

So it gnawed away at me to think that after all that, we had drifted apart for reasons I wasn't totally clear on. And I let myself think too much about how happy this had to make the father and how he didn't deserve that satisfaction and blah blah blah. It felt amazing to get her back weeks later; I foolishly thought about the effect it had to have had on the guy. There were times after when things got bad again where I wondered who was the real loser in this whole situation and how things would be now if I had just accepted the temporary loneliness, accepted the feeling that I'd "lost," and not let my damn ego guide major life decisions.

 

Wow. Yeah....it can definitely get away from us. It's almost impossible to look at these situations objectively.

 

There's an old saying that I apply to relationships: 'You can't make chicken soup out of chicken sh*t'.

 

But a lot times, I think we convince ourselves that we actually have chicken meat, not chicken sh*t, on the cutting board, and we throw it all in the pot and then gulp it down.

[marcusdevilliers]

The sad part is that I had my chance.

 

I found out very quickly that she had been seeing some other guy. I was really close to her brother, and he was actually the one who told me. So, I knew pretty much from the get-go that she was seeing somebody.

 

That's not the news you want to hear when you're broken-hearted and sleeping on a friend's floor. To make matters worse, I saw them driving around a couple of times. It was gut-wrenching.

 

I tried a few times to talk to her, but she just always brushed me off. I was getting to the point where I knew I had to make a decision, and knew I had to move on. I'm not a stalker, but as I was getting to that point, I did just a little reconnaissance to get an idea of what was going on. I swung by her place a couple of different times, and would see his car there.

 

Here's where it gets interesting.

 

I had a brand new car, that like an idiot, I was letting her borrow while I drove her junker. So, I had her car, she had mine. I also still had a key to her place. I called her one last time to see if she wanted to talk....she had 'too much going on'. Fine. Later that night, I swung by her house. His car was there. But, I didn't want to barge in and make a scene.

 

So, I waited until very early the next morning...like 7am. Then I barged in and made a scene. They were sleeping in her bed. I walked in and gently woke her up and said 'Goodbye. I'm done. I don't want this anymore'. Then, the sh*t-show freak-out of all sh*t-show freak-outs went down. I don't know exactly what happened with the guy...I saw him wake up and lift his head up, and then the next time I looked, he was just gone. Like he was a ghost.

 

She was in hysterics. Bawling, pleading, chasing me around as I grabbed my stuff. I just said 'goodbye'.

 

Man...I had it. I was out. I was free. But she called, and called, and called, leaving incoherent sobbing messages. All day. Finally, she got me on the phone and begged me to come over and talk to her. I started to feel weak when I heard her crying like that. It wasn't even normal crying...it was like you found out your mom died crying. It made me very weak.

 

Long story short, obviously, I went to her house that night. And stayed with her for another 12 years. But I just never really felt the same toward her. I tried, but I couldn't make myself love her again. Even though our 'love' won, it was really a loss.

 

I don't know....I just hope some of you who want so badly to get your boy or girl back take some time to read all of this. It looks good on paper, but the cost on your life can be immense. There are SOOOOO many other people in the world. I'm sorry...nobody is really all that special or unique. I've met thousands of women in my life...they're all pretty much slight variations on the same theme. Just let it go. Move on.

 

 

 

 

Hey man. im 21 and right now im at a point where im just lost and confused. you seem to truly understand alot so im hoping you can shed a little light on my situation. thank you. i posted this already but i havent got much replies. so here it is.

 

 

I never was in a relationship before, nor was my gf. we got together in 2012 we were in school that time. school started september it was 2 years of school. we started talking like late september, we talked alot not only in school but when we were out of school. all the time we talked over the phone. we had our 1st kiss in late november, was also our first kiss as individuals. i fell in love with her and i told her how i felt in december. she said she loved me too. so we were officially together, we always saw each other in school so we were very close. we talked alot over the phone and we got to know each other really well. we were each others best friend and always there for each other. we got really close and shared a great relationship. the only problem was her parents well mostly her father was strict so we never really got to hang out with each other on the holidays and school breaks. there wasnt much intimacy we kissed sometimes and like sex talking over the phone and stuff. never really got the opportunity to be intimate.

 

We had problems like every couple, no cheating or anything just little misunderstandings and arguments but we always worked through it. we never had a long talking break from each other we used to always talk and text. she was 18 and i was 19 when we started. we were together for 2 years and we had a nice relationship. last june was the end of school and we know things would start to be hard but we loved each other so much we promised we will work through it.

 

we sent each other all the love messages and letters, we felt so much in love and she said she will always love me and i told her the same. after last june she had to wait a year before she got into university and she started working august. i started school also but i didnt complete it i jus did 3 months. i know that got her upset but was a short course so i thought i could finish it early, i stopped it and we were good. we saw each other now and then but not alot and we never really did anything.

 

As of this year things were still going ok, we just talked less during the day but we still talked alot. she had some exams so i tried not to bother her alot but we still talked normal.. i know things were getting a little sour because some nights we didnt have much to talk about.. we had alot to look forward too though so we hung in there. she came home by me in april, i had a prayer meeting home and she told her mom and she came. my family already knew about her and her family knew about me except for her father. she came and met everyone, we kissed and stuff and i was a nice night.

 

Things were going ok with us no big problems until she told me in june that she didnt love me no more. she told me this outta no where and i was shocked. i dont know how to truly explain it. there was a guy in her work also and she became good friends with him, they talked alot and got close. she told me that was nothing and i really believed her. we were still in the breaking up stage and i saw her put a pic with him and her holding hands. i got so angry and when i told her she said it was a cute pic they were jus friends. but how could she do that when she doesnt even have much pics with me? or pics with us holding hands. we jus had one pic together and she never even put it anywhere but she put this pic with this guy on whatsapp..

 

she said alot of things, she said shes not ready for a serious relationship, then she said she doesnt love me anymore. i tried so much to get back with her, i talked to her alot messaged her alot and i know those arent the things you do but its the only thing i knew at that time. i met her last month and i got her a rose some chocs and i nice gift. i really met her to give her hand written letter. i told her everything there. how i felt about her and how much she meant to me and alot of things.

 

she read it and she said we cant be together. she doesnt love me anymore to stop forcing this. before i got her the letter she called me the week before, we talk for like an hour twice just like two good friends, i thought maybe things were getting btr. but after i gave her the letter and she told me how she felt again i was just so lost and confused and really hurt. i thought the letter wouldve changed her mind but it didnt. i gave her the letter a friday and she told me how she felt saturday. we had a lil small talk sunday over text just like 2 messages. and monday she messaged me in the night saying shes with her friend becuase she was starting university and she would be busyy and stuff and not to call her during the day. i just told her i wont call and goodnight. i made up my mind to bein NC with her. i deleted all our pics and messages and all that. its been almost 2 weeks and well she hasnt messaged me and i plan on not breakin NC. i really love her i miss her and i think about her alot. shes in my dreams and i was serious with her. i saw her as somebody i wanted to make a life with becuase shes perfect to me.

 

Im just lostt and confused now. her birthday is in october idk if i should contact her then, i want her to contact me first i dont want to break NC. things are more difficult now because she has schools and shes around so much people and guys and stuff. i dont know whats gonna happen with us. im hoping what we had was true love and she might contact me sometime. but i really dont know.

[MINDSHIFT]

I guess I just hope that people who have broken up or are on breaks really take the time to dig deep and figure out WHY they want to get back together, and if it's even a good idea.

 

Really good thread. Woke me the **** up. Your ex is an ex for a reason. This thread has really helped me in not dwelling on my ex, big time!!

[NoLeafClover]

I've been reading lately many of your stories and can definitely feel your struggles. It made me think of my own story and how maybe my experiences can offer some perspective. I will happily fill in the details later in this thread if people want...but telling the whole story was making the OP tooooo long.

 

Anyway....

 

A long time ago, I met the girl of my dreams. I thought she was amazing, and we started dating. 2 years in, some stuff happened. It had actually happened when we first started dating, but flared up again down the road. She insisted that we take a break. I was against it, but had no choice. As we were living together, I had to pack up and move in with a buddy and sleep on his floor. Naturally, she immediately started dating another guy. I was CRUSHED.

 

(here's where all the details would go)

 

After a little over a month, we ended up getting back together. Quite the success story, and love triumphed, and all that great stuff. Even more great when you consider that we ended up getting married a few years later. Wait....the fairy tale continues. We had 3 kids...the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent kids ever. They are beyond rad.

 

So, why the regret? Well, we ended up divorced. And the reasons, as you might suspect, were serious and deep rooted. Ultimately, it all went back to that break. At the critical point in my life where I should have paid attention to what was painfully obvious, I caved in. I just wanted her back. I thought we had this magical love, and that we could overcome any obstacle. And we did, didn't we???

 

No. It was just weakness. I was too weak to move past somebody who was actually very wrong for me. And now, I have insane complications in my life because, simply put, I hitched my horse to the wrong wagon. And these are obviously not complications I can avoid or walk away from.

 

The kicker? I actually officially ended it right before we got back together. I was done. How different could my life be right now? Nope....I caved. Totally weak, and now I'm paying for it.

 

It's hard to do, but I think in 99% of the situations out there, when it gets to the point of being a break, or a break-up, you really need to dig deep, be strong and walk away. Trust me.

 

Read and learn everybody...read and learn.

[ChicagoSparty]

Hey man. im 21 and right now im at a point where im just lost and confused. you seem to truly understand alot so im hoping you can shed a little light on my situation. thank you. i posted this already but i havent got much replies. so here it is.

 

 

I never was in a relationship before, nor was my gf. we got together in 2012 we were in school that time. school started september it was 2 years of school. we started talking like late september, we talked alot not only in school but when we were out of school. all the time we talked over the phone. we had our 1st kiss in late november, was also our first kiss as individuals. i fell in love with her and i told her how i felt in december. she said she loved me too. so we were officially together, we always saw each other in school so we were very close. we talked alot over the phone and we got to know each other really well. we were each others best friend and always there for each other. we got really close and shared a great relationship. the only problem was her parents well mostly her father was strict so we never really got to hang out with each other on the holidays and school breaks. there wasnt much intimacy we kissed sometimes and like sex talking over the phone and stuff. never really got the opportunity to be intimate.

 

We had problems like every couple, no cheating or anything just little misunderstandings and arguments but we always worked through it. we never had a long talking break from each other we used to always talk and text. she was 18 and i was 19 when we started. we were together for 2 years and we had a nice relationship. last june was the end of school and we know things would start to be hard but we loved each other so much we promised we will work through it.

 

we sent each other all the love messages and letters, we felt so much in love and she said she will always love me and i told her the same. after last june she had to wait a year before she got into university and she started working august. i started school also but i didnt complete it i jus did 3 months. i know that got her upset but was a short course so i thought i could finish it early, i stopped it and we were good. we saw each other now and then but not alot and we never really did anything.

 

As of this year things were still going ok, we just talked less during the day but we still talked alot. she had some exams so i tried not to bother her alot but we still talked normal.. i know things were getting a little sour because some nights we didnt have much to talk about.. we had alot to look forward too though so we hung in there. she came home by me in april, i had a prayer meeting home and she told her mom and she came. my family already knew about her and her family knew about me except for her father. she came and met everyone, we kissed and stuff and i was a nice night.

 

Things were going ok with us no big problems until she told me in june that she didnt love me no more. she told me this outta no where and i was shocked. i dont know how to truly explain it. there was a guy in her work also and she became good friends with him, they talked alot and got close. she told me that was nothing and i really believed her. we were still in the breaking up stage and i saw her put a pic with him and her holding hands. i got so angry and when i told her she said it was a cute pic they were jus friends. but how could she do that when she doesnt even have much pics with me? or pics with us holding hands. we jus had one pic together and she never even put it anywhere but she put this pic with this guy on whatsapp..

 

she said alot of things, she said shes not ready for a serious relationship, then she said she doesnt love me anymore. i tried so much to get back with her, i talked to her alot messaged her alot and i know those arent the things you do but its the only thing i knew at that time. i met her last month and i got her a rose some chocs and i nice gift. i really met her to give her hand written letter. i told her everything there. how i felt about her and how much she meant to me and alot of things.

 

she read it and she said we cant be together. she doesnt love me anymore to stop forcing this. before i got her the letter she called me the week before, we talk for like an hour twice just like two good friends, i thought maybe things were getting btr. but after i gave her the letter and she told me how she felt again i was just so lost and confused and really hurt. i thought the letter wouldve changed her mind but it didnt. i gave her the letter a friday and she told me how she felt saturday. we had a lil small talk sunday over text just like 2 messages. and monday she messaged me in the night saying shes with her friend becuase she was starting university and she would be busyy and stuff and not to call her during the day. i just told her i wont call and goodnight. i made up my mind to bein NC with her. i deleted all our pics and messages and all that. its been almost 2 weeks and well she hasnt messaged me and i plan on not breakin NC. i really love her i miss her and i think about her alot. shes in my dreams and i was serious with her. i saw her as somebody i wanted to make a life with becuase shes perfect to me.

 

Im just lostt and confused now. her birthday is in october idk if i should contact her then, i want her to contact me first i dont want to break NC. things are more difficult now because she has schools and shes around so much people and guys and stuff. i dont know whats gonna happen with us. im hoping what we had was true love and she might contact me sometime. but i really dont know.

 

Im going to throw a number at you, and I just want you to think about it for awhile.....

 

21.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe that's 65 years...maybe that's 65 days. No way to know. And since there's no way to know, you shouldn't waste it sweating some chick that has moved on. At 21, man....there is so much that's amazing ahead of you.

 

Look, I got hung up on a couple of girls when I was 18, 19, 20....however old I was. So I know EXACTLY how you feel. But what I didn't know then is that 20 years later, I would have a hard time even remembering their names. Everything looms so large at your age. It's all so new and vivid and exciting and scary, and you get caught up in and build it into a lot more than it is....mainly because you don't really have much in the way of a frame of reference.

 

So, this is a big experience for you to learn from. And the biggest thing you'll learn is that you don't need anybody, and that another babe will come along some day...and probably another one after that, and so on.

 

You don't know it, because it's all so raw and new, but you'll be fine. Move on from this chick. In 20 years, you probably won't even remember her name. You're only 21 once. Life gets hard. Enjoy it, young stud.

[Blanco]

I remember when I was reeling over my first serious girlfriend moving on after we had been together for many years. I had ended it some time earlier, but then, of course, freaked out and thought I'd made a huge mistake when I found out she was dating someone new.

 

I recall sitting in my uncle's home, telling him about the whole thing. His response: You're 21. You don't know what the hell you want.

 

And, boy, was he right. A year after that, I remember thinking how lucky I was that I hadn't gotten what I thought I wanted at the time.

[bluefeather]

Insightful words here. Thanks you.

[marcusdevilliers]

Im going to throw a number at you, and I just want you to think about it for awhile.....

 

21.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe that's 65 years...maybe that's 65 days. No way to know. And since there's no way to know, you shouldn't waste it sweating some chick that has moved on. At 21, man....there is so much that's amazing ahead of you.

 

Look, I got hung up on a couple of girls when I was 18, 19, 20....however old I was. So I know EXACTLY how you feel. But what I didn't know then is that 20 years later, I would have a hard time even remembering their names. Everything looms so large at your age. It's all so new and vivid and exciting and scary, and you get caught up in and build it into a lot more than it is....mainly because you don't really have much in the way of a frame of reference.

 

So, this is a big experience for you to learn from. And the biggest thing you'll learn is that you don't need anybody, and that another babe will come along some day...and probably another one after that, and so on.

 

You don't know it, because it's all so raw and new, but you'll be fine. Move on from this chick. In 20 years, you probably won't even remember her name. You're only 21 once. Life gets hard. Enjoy it, young stud.

 

 

thank you so much man.. really is helpful and great advice. i hope things work well for you

[candie13]

it's not about the break or about the breakup, it's about you and learning to set healthy boundaries. It took you this relationship and marriage to learn to set them in place, properly.

 

I think you may be riding yourself with guilt over how you've handled that *break*. I think that was the last drop that made the glass overspill... but that was not the real issue. The real issue was her and how you have allowed her to treat you, that "dynamic" that you got used to and in the end, was bad for you.

 

I think that if you focus on what you should have done on one particular incident at the expense of the whole RS, that you are not doing a good job.

 

Indeed, what needs to be done is to get over the missing and the longing and to understand mentally how the other person works and how the RS looks. If they are not good partners to you, if they are not decent human beings, if all they do is take take take, not all the love in the world is going to make that RS work. No one can save people from themselves.

 

As always, biggest mistakes I think one can do is what I call the "casting" errors - choosing and sticking with a person who's wrong for us.

 

These things are bigger than just "the break"...

[ChicagoSparty]

it's not about the break or about the breakup, it's about you and learning to set healthy boundaries. It took you this relationship and marriage to learn to set them in place, properly.

 

I think you may be riding yourself with guilt over how you've handled that *break*. I think that was the last drop that made the glass overspill... but that was not the real issue. The real issue was her and how you have allowed her to treat you, that "dynamic" that you got used to and in the end, was bad for you.

 

I think that if you focus on what you should have done on one particular incident at the expense of the whole RS, that you are not doing a good job.

 

Indeed, what needs to be done is to get over the missing and the longing and to understand mentally how the other person works and how the RS looks. If they are not good partners to you, if they are not decent human beings, if all they do is take take take, not all the love in the world is going to make that RS work. No one can save people from themselves.

 

As always, biggest mistakes I think one can do is what I call the "casting" errors - choosing and sticking with a person who's wrong for us.

 

These things are bigger than just "the break"...

Oh, for sure. That's sort of a different issue than I'm talking about, though. Of course we were bad partners, mismatched, etc.

 

What I'm talking about is the choices we make a critical points as to whether to go on with somebody or leave them. My regret was when I reached that critical point, instead of being strong and making the move I needed to make, I folded and gave in to her.

 

It's so easy to give in to have that comfort and familiarity back, and to achieve some sort of 'success', even though it typically means compromising those boundaries.

[candie13]

I understand your point. I just think it's very difficult for people - male and female - to just stick to a decision, once they made it, especially if it's linked to a break up.

 

What makes me accept a difficult decision is not forcing it on me, because I rebel. I want / hope / wish for love with a big L.

 

When it comes to sticking to difficult decisions, in order for me to stick to it, I need to understand the "why"s behind it. So, the way I work is to give myself time to be with a guy, long enough for me to understand that they are wrong for me. That our dynamic is draining me. Once I understand and am convinced of it, I fight the "break" much less. I still hurt and have that irrational desire that we get back together, but I become... disenchanted, because I've understood the "why", I got why we're not good. That or when I get tired of his meaningless games. So while I do moon over past RS for far too long, I am reasonably okish at leaving them.

 

For instance, I've dated a guy for 7 years - the guy I loved most. I really did, there was a time where if the guy would have told me to have a child on the kitchen table, my answer would have been "when, is right now good for you ?". But I understood that he wasn't a commitment type of guy. While I believe he did love me, he was scared... and I was starting to get tired... So I left him. He did come back, he called and begged and pleaded, his family called and begged and pleaded. He even bought me a ring. But I felt his heart was not into it, I felt he was doing all that to stop me from leaving him... and I absolutely wanted a man just as crazy about marrying me and wanting to start a new life with me by his side as I am about doing the same.

 

I dunno, maybe I was just... done, ya know? Or maybe I was feeling so rejected that I was projecting my own feelings of insufficiency onto him, I dunno. My bottom line is: in order to stick to a difficult decision, one needs to work with himself and not against himself... once you get your buy in, it's harder to go back.

 

Anyways, in the end, maybe I just got lucky. I know my ex of 7 years was not the man I would have liked to get old with... it took me a really really long time to get over the guilt of not having taken him back / having left him, something like 4 - 5 years. I guess 4-5 lost years are better than a divorce and children, even if that got me single at 35.