How I handled a break is the biggest regret in my life

[ChicagoSparty]

I've been reading lately many of your stories and can definitely feel your struggles. It made me think of my own story and how maybe my experiences can offer some perspective. I will happily fill in the details later in this thread if people want...but telling the whole story was making the OP tooooo long.

 

Anyway....

 

A long time ago, I met the girl of my dreams. I thought she was amazing, and we started dating. 2 years in, some stuff happened. It had actually happened when we first started dating, but flared up again down the road. She insisted that we take a break. I was against it, but had no choice. As we were living together, I had to pack up and move in with a buddy and sleep on his floor. Naturally, she immediately started dating another guy. I was CRUSHED.

 

(here's where all the details would go)

 

After a little over a month, we ended up getting back together. Quite the success story, and love triumphed, and all that great stuff. Even more great when you consider that we ended up getting married a few years later. Wait....the fairy tale continues. We had 3 kids...the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent kids ever. They are beyond rad.

 

So, why the regret? Well, we ended up divorced. And the reasons, as you might suspect, were serious and deep rooted. Ultimately, it all went back to that break. At the critical point in my life where I should have paid attention to what was painfully obvious, I caved in. I just wanted her back. I thought we had this magical love, and that we could overcome any obstacle. And we did, didn't we???

 

No. It was just weakness. I was too weak to move past somebody who was actually very wrong for me. And now, I have insane complications in my life because, simply put, I hitched my horse to the wrong wagon. And these are obviously not complications I can avoid or walk away from.

 

The kicker? I actually officially ended it right before we got back together. I was done. How different could my life be right now? Nope....I caved. Totally weak, and now I'm paying for it.

 

It's hard to do, but I think in 99% of the situations out there, when it gets to the point of being a break, or a break-up, you really need to dig deep, be strong and walk away. Trust me.

[drseuss]

I think this thread will give alot of strength to many people on here

 

It certainly has give me a much needed boost !

 

Not a boost in the way your in a rough situation but the lesson you are sharing

 

Did you know while you were getting back together and getting married it was the wrong thing to do ?

Edited September 14, 2015 by drseuss

[ChicagoSparty]

I think this thread will give alot of strength to many people on here

 

It certainly has give me a much needed boost !

 

Not a boost in the way your in a rough situation but the lesson you are sharing

 

Did you know while you were getting back together and getting married it was the wrong thing to do ?

 

Deep down inside, I did. It was just never really the same.

 

When I look back on how the marriage fell apart, after sifting through the wreckage, I realized that I just didn't really love her anymore. I mean, I cared about her a lot, but the love was sort of broken. She put me in a position where I had to move on from her, and I guess I never fully came back.

 

I didn't know that at the time, though. It seems like such a victory when you get back together....like, your love is invincible and you are really meant to be together forever.

 

Nope. It's just dependency smoke-and-mirrors.

[realmly]

Sorry I'm a little confused. What do you regret, do you regret getting back with her after that break?

[disbelief]

yes he does because he knew the whole time that he should have stayed out of the relationship. he went back into the relationship because he was weak and fearful of the future.

 

im am in this exact boat right now. when i started out with this girl i never had those extreme feelings of love , i was just sort of like "meh" but then she got pregnant and we had a son.

 

now i feel like i really love her but deep down i know i don't, even if i don't want to admit it just because i want her back. im scared shes going to to be with someone else and make him my kids dad and all these other bull**** feelings.

 

i feel like i just want to have the stability back and someone to hold at night because of my own lack inside, although i guess its normal that we all want someone to hold?

 

does this stuff sound familiar chicagesparty? should i stay away, i just want her back so bad now, but i think deep down its my ego talking. thanks fro the advice.

[ChicagoSparty]

Sorry I'm a little confused. What do you regret, do you regret getting back with her after that break?

 

disbelief is spot on.

 

It took me over a month, a month of torture and emptiness, to finally decide I needed to move on. Then, I actually ended it....in absolutely spectacular fashion, if you are interested in the story....but as soon as she was calling me, bawling, pleading, I just caved in.

 

Even though we are now divorced, because the divorce happened 12 years later, and we have beautiful children, people might look at the break and getting back together as a success.

 

But it wasn't. It just prolonged failure. Now life is far more difficult than it should be, and we're many years away from that not being the case.

 

Be careful of what you wish for.

[ChicagoSparty]

yes he does because he knew the whole time that he should have stayed out of the relationship. he went back into the relationship because he was weak and fearful of the future.

 

im am in this exact boat right now. when i started out with this girl i never had those extreme feelings of love , i was just sort of like "meh" but then she got pregnant and we had a son.

 

now i feel like i really love her but deep down i know i don't, even if i don't want to admit it just because i want her back. im scared shes going to to be with someone else and make him my kids dad and all these other bull**** feelings.

 

i feel like i just want to have the stability back and someone to hold at night because of my own lack inside, although i guess its normal that we all want someone to hold?

 

does this stuff sound familiar chicagesparty? should i stay away, i just want her back so bad now, but i think deep down its my ego talking. thanks fro the advice.

 

disbelief- dude, just worry about the kid. Be the best dad you can, and make sure you are a constant presence in the kid's life. Screw the chick.

 

The comfort is just that....comfort. Are you still going to want that comfort in 2 years? 10? What kinds of sacrifices are you willing to make for that comfort? How much work are you willing to do for it? And....most importantly....is she going to do the same?

 

Just be a great dad. It's billions of times more rewarding than any relationship you have with a girl anyway.

[disbelief]

interesting how i could see my future threw your story. chicagosparty - did you find that even in the beginning of the relationship you weren't 100% into her? or were you madly in love with her in the beginning?

[ChicagoSparty]

interesting how i could see my future threw your story. chicagosparty - did you find that even in the beginning of the relationship you weren't 100% into her? or were you madly in love with her in the beginning?

 

Sh*t, I don't remember.

 

I was just wrapping up with college, went to a huge school with 20,000+ girls, and never had a girlfriend. Met her and decided I was done. I guess I was really into her. She took my breath away, and we just worked together.

 

However, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored. Stuff that, today, I don't care how hot and cool a woman is...I'm not messing with it.

 

Every time I hear or read about somebody on a break or trying to reconcile, I want to slap them in the face with a fish.

[disbelief]

Sh*t, I don't remember.

 

I was just wrapping up with college, went to a huge school with 20,000+ girls, and never had a girlfriend. Met her and decided I was done. I guess I was really into her. She took my breath away, and we just worked together.

 

However, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored. Stuff that, today, I don't care how hot and cool a woman is...I'm not messing with it.

 

Every time I hear or read about somebody on a break or trying to reconcile, I want to slap them in the face with a fish.

 

 

ya i need a fish slap because im dieing to get back with her even though i know i shouldn't. i am really attached to the idea of our little family and the jealously of seeing the mother of my child with someone else would be bad.

 

have any suggestions on how to dump these emotions?

[ChicagoSparty]

ya i need a fish slap because im dieing to get back with her even though i know i shouldn't. i am really attached to the idea of our little family and the jealously of seeing the mother of my child with someone else would be bad.

 

have any suggestions on how to dump these emotions?

 

Stop thinking about it and bang strange.

 

Honestly....this stuff really is mind over mind. You can convince yourself, truthfully, that you don't want it anymore. It's the only way to move forward. I had done that myself, but then I got really weak when she came running back.

 

Wish I had stayed strong. I wish I would have just hooked up with any of the number of other girls hanging around at the time. Buuuuuuuut...I was too weak.

Edited September 15, 2015 by ChicagoSparty

[casey.lives]

I don't entirely agree with you. I am the kind of person who needs a break from "togetherness". Some people want to break up but don't have the spine to call it what it is and it gives "Breaks" a bad name. I am an introvert and i also need to space out to see the bigger picture.. taking a break every so often is something i need in a relationship. This wasn't a case of a break but a bad covert break up.

[justsounsure]

disbelief is spot on.

 

It took me over a month, a month of torture and emptiness, to finally decide I needed to move on. Then, I actually ended it....in absolutely spectacular fashion, if you are interested in the story....but as soon as she was calling me, bawling, pleading, I just caved in.

 

Even though we are now divorced, because the divorce happened 12 years later, and we have beautiful children, people might look at the break and getting back together as a success.

 

But it wasn't. It just prolonged failure. Now life is far more difficult than it should be, and we're many years away from that not being the case.

 

Be careful of what you wish for.

 

This happened to me years ago. I was with a woman, she wanted to take a break with me, and during that time she dated! (I knew something was up with this post when you mentioned that she initiated a break with you and then moved on within a month).

 

Anyway, my long story short, she got me back in spectacular fashion as well (I saw her kissing someone else at a bar, tapped them on the shoulder to make my presence known, and was chased down the road by her crying and pleading). And she called and called that night. I didn't answer.

 

But then I finally did. And we got back together. Euphoria ... my heart restored ... she finally saw all the errs of her ways ... she moved in, we adopted a dog, she was talking rings.

 

7 months later, I proposed to her. She accepted.

 

8 days after that, she was gone and I never saw her again.

 

I guess I got lucky that she spared me the wedding and the 3 kids.

Edited September 15, 2015 by justsounsure

[ChicagoSparty]

I don't entirely agree with you. I am the kind of person who needs a break from "togetherness". Some people want to break up but don't have the spine to call it what it is and it gives "Breaks" a bad name. I am an introvert and i also need to space out to see the bigger picture.. taking a break every so often is something i need in a relationship. This wasn't a case of a break but a bad covert break up.

 

I think what gives breaks a bad name is the probably 90+% failure rate of relationships that come back from a break.

[Blanco]

Excellent tale of caution. I've gotten back with two exes (after relatively short breaks; like weeks), and while it feels good in the moment, the reasons that drove you apart don't take long to resurface.

 

I remember getting back with my last girlfriend after she came back and admitted she'd made a mistake. At that time, we'd only been together for a year, but I think it had honestly run its course. Flawed relationship from the beginning with some drama mixed in (the father of her children caused a lot of issues) and while I don't totally regret getting back with her (since I adored her children and it was only after we got back together that I got my time as being more or less a dad to them), but it was probably not the right choice for either of us and it happened because we were both lonely.

[ChicagoSparty]

Excellent tale of caution. I've gotten back with two exes (after relatively short breaks; like weeks), and while it feels good in the moment, the reasons that drove you apart don't take long to resurface.

 

I remember getting back with my last girlfriend after she came back and admitted she'd made a mistake. At that time, we'd only been together for a year, but I think it had honestly run its course. Flawed relationship from the beginning with some drama mixed in (the father of her children caused a lot of issues) and while I don't totally regret getting back with her (since I adored her children and it was only after we got back together that I got my time as being more or less a dad to them), but it was probably not the right choice for either of us and it happened because we were both lonely.

 

 

You nailed it. In the moment, it feels great. It feels as though your love triumphed over all your problems. But....it probably didn't. They're probably all still there.

 

And look....I almost doubled-down on failure. We separated and were separated for 2 years before filing for divorce. On a couple of different occasions, we were very close to getting back together. Obviously, with kids, it al least deserves a look.

 

But then one day, as I was looking at houses we could move into together, a thought hit me: 'What's going to happen if we get back together? We're going to live happily ever after?'. I recognized the mountain of issues between us and, thankfully, just bailed out. I can't even imagine my life right now had we gotten back together after our separation.

[jh36184631]

sorry posted in wrong place

Edited September 15, 2015 by jh36184631
posted in wrong place

[Felicite]

Thank you for sharing your story ChicagoSparty, it sure brings up a lot of things to think about...

 

This happened to me years ago. I was with a woman, she wanted to take a break with me, and during that time she dated! (I knew something was up with this post when you mentioned that she initiated a break with you and then moved on within a month).

 

Anyway, my long story short, she got me back in spectacular fashion as well (I saw her kissing someone else at a bar, tapped them on the shoulder to make my presence known, and was chased down the road by her crying and pleading). And she called and called that night. I didn't answer.

 

But then I finally did. And we got back together. Euphoria ... my heart restored ... she finally saw all the errs of her ways ... she moved in, we adopted a dog, she was talking rings.

 

7 months later, I proposed to her. She accepted.

 

8 days after that, she was gone and I never saw her again.

 

I guess I got lucky that she spared me the wedding and the 3 kids.

 

Wow, that was a close one. Glad you were spared the divorces and kid custodies etc

[ChicagoSparty]

The sad part is that I had my chance.

 

I found out very quickly that she had been seeing some other guy. I was really close to her brother, and he was actually the one who told me. So, I knew pretty much from the get-go that she was seeing somebody.

 

That's not the news you want to hear when you're broken-hearted and sleeping on a friend's floor. To make matters worse, I saw them driving around a couple of times. It was gut-wrenching.

 

I tried a few times to talk to her, but she just always brushed me off. I was getting to the point where I knew I had to make a decision, and knew I had to move on. I'm not a stalker, but as I was getting to that point, I did just a little reconnaissance to get an idea of what was going on. I swung by her place a couple of different times, and would see his car there.

 

Here's where it gets interesting.

 

I had a brand new car, that like an idiot, I was letting her borrow while I drove her junker. So, I had her car, she had mine. I also still had a key to her place. I called her one last time to see if she wanted to talk....she had 'too much going on'. Fine. Later that night, I swung by her house. His car was there. But, I didn't want to barge in and make a scene.

 

So, I waited until very early the next morning...like 7am. Then I barged in and made a scene. They were sleeping in her bed. I walked in and gently woke her up and said 'Goodbye. I'm done. I don't want this anymore'. Then, the sh*t-show freak-out of all sh*t-show freak-outs went down. I don't know exactly what happened with the guy...I saw him wake up and lift his head up, and then the next time I looked, he was just gone. Like he was a ghost.

 

She was in hysterics. Bawling, pleading, chasing me around as I grabbed my stuff. I just said 'goodbye'.

 

Man...I had it. I was out. I was free. But she called, and called, and called, leaving incoherent sobbing messages. All day. Finally, she got me on the phone and begged me to come over and talk to her. I started to feel weak when I heard her crying like that. It wasn't even normal crying...it was like you found out your mom died crying. It made me very weak.

 

Long story short, obviously, I went to her house that night. And stayed with her for another 12 years. But I just never really felt the same toward her. I tried, but I couldn't make myself love her again. Even though our 'love' won, it was really a loss.

 

I don't know....I just hope some of you who want so badly to get your boy or girl back take some time to read all of this. It looks good on paper, but the cost on your life can be immense. There are SOOOOO many other people in the world. I'm sorry...nobody is really all that special or unique. I've met thousands of women in my life...they're all pretty much slight variations on the same theme. Just let it go. Move on.

[frigginlost]

While I think it's great that you are giving words of encouragement, remember that there are times where people do get back together and love conquering all does indeed happen.

 

If it didn't I would never have been born...

[ChicagoSparty]

While I think it's great that you are giving words of encouragement, remember that there are times where people do get back together and love conquering all does indeed happen.

 

If it didn't I would never have been born...

 

Not at all discounting that, and sometimes people truly do need space from each other to find their way together. And to your point, yes....my kids (as they exist) never would have been born, either. But...opportunity cost being what it is....what if I had left her and met somebody better for me, and had kids with them, and stayed together and had a more stable family life for the kids. I know, it's just speculation. Things could have worked out badly under a different scenario. And it doesn't do any good to speculate, because what's done is done.

 

Most of the time, people want to get back together for the wrong reasons. The loneliness, the feeling of failing if the relationship ends, the inflation of the value the other person truly has.

 

I got back with her. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But if I had known what I know now, or been stronger and more courageous, I could be living a very different life right now.

 

I guess I just hope that people who have broken up or are on breaks really take the time to dig deep and figure out WHY they want to get back together, and if it's even a good idea.

[realmly]

Great thread!

 

 

You're providing great insight for those of us who are pining over our exes.

[marcusdevilliers]

it seems you really understand things. and are alot stronger now. its really good that you did this. helps alot of people.

[frigginlost]

Not at all discounting that, and sometimes people truly do need space from each other to find their way together. And to your point, yes....my kids (as they exist) never would have been born, either. But...opportunity cost being what it is....what if I had left her and met somebody better for me, and had kids with them, and stayed together and had a more stable family life for the kids. I know, it's just speculation. Things could have worked out badly under a different scenario. And it doesn't do any good to speculate, because what's done is done.

 

Most of the time, people want to get back together for the wrong reasons. The loneliness, the feeling of failing if the relationship ends, the inflation of the value the other person truly has.

 

I got back with her. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But if I had known what I know now, or been stronger and more courageous, I could be living a very different life right now.

 

I guess I just hope that people who have broken up or are on breaks really take the time to dig deep and figure out WHY they want to get back together, and if it's even a good idea.

 

Outstanding Advice!

[Blanco]

This should be essential reading.

 

Expanding on my first post in here, I was definitely missing the relationship for mostly the wrong reasons. Our year together had been stressful a lot of the time; as it turned it, it was probably the BEST of our three together. Think about that. I desperately missed her children, but it also killed my ego that I had "lost." The father of the children had been such a nuisance during our relationship that, and I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, I took a sense of pride after a while that she was with ME and he was finally seeing the consequences of his awful life choices.

 

So it gnawed away at me to think that after all that, we had drifted apart for reasons I wasn't totally clear on. And I let myself think too much about how happy this had to make the father and how he didn't deserve that satisfaction and blah blah blah. It felt amazing to get her back weeks later; I foolishly thought about the effect it had to have had on the guy. There were times after when things got bad again where I wondered who was the real loser in this whole situation and how things would be now if I had just accepted the temporary loneliness, accepted the feeling that I'd "lost," and not let my damn ego guide major life decisions.