A reasonable incompatibility?

[carhill]

This is otherwise known as being on the edge of the bin

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't think his knee issues are legitimate. I think he's lazy. He doesn't exercise at all. Not even bike riding or swimming, which is the most low impact thing a person can do for their knees.

This is an important distinction.

 

I have a friend who underwent a major leg injury in the past that makes certain strenuous leg activities impossible. (No running or dancing, for example.) But he does absolutely everything else that his body allows, including biking, swimming, lots of walking, heavy lifting, a stretching and conditioning program created by him for a physical therapist. He easily could have given up on health and fitness and gotten lazy after that major injury, but he just doesn't let it stand in his way.

[NoLeafClover]

Ruby, I'm Person A. I'm like you, although closer to an 8-9, but definitely have my moments of 5-6. The guy in question never even gets to a 5, maybe a 3-4. We'll never overlap.

 

I just don't want him to rub off on me, to be honest. He has every excuse in the book for why he can't/won't be active and healthy - work is crazy, his knees are bad, he's too tired. He's 5 years younger than me and looks 10 years older than me from poor health.

 

You don't sound fool of yourself at all

[kendahke]

Continuing to be with him in a relationship means you accept that he is who/what he is; you also have to accept that his ways may eventually rub off on you; just as you'd hope your ways will eventually rub off on him and he begins to take a far healthier consideration of himself and of you.

 

Nothing is going to make him flip into being someone he has no interest in being except for him coming to an epiphany about his health and his life. You can't make that happen, so you need to decide if you want to stick around waiting on that day to come while you have someone or if you want to bounce and wait until a guy who is more like you shows up, but you're alone until that day arrives.

 

It really does come down to: do you want to be alone?

[Redhead14]

Person A enjoys working out regularly and training for athletic events, generally eating healthily, while also enjoying many splurges, especially socially with friends. Outdoorsy activities are their idea of a good time; hiking, snowboarding, a bike ride through the countryside are usually on their weekend or vacation to-do list.

 

Person B enjoys fast or convenient food, heavier, larger portions of creamy or greasier food that is well-regarded by local foodies and the Food Network and local high end craft beer, and does not exercise other than golf due to "bad knees." Prefers to spend their time at the movie theater or watching series after series on Netflix or HBO. Outdoorsy events are limited to being outdoors at sporting events, watching others participate, or at wineries walking along the vineyards.

 

Person A has determined they are incompatible for a relationship. Person B thinks this is just silly.

 

Agree or disagree with Person A, and why?

 

It doesn't matter. Person A doesn't think there's compatibility and should look for someone who doesn't think their "ways" are silly.

 

Some people want to have people who are more similar to them in terms of likes and wants. Some people want to be with someone who is more opposite to them.

 

That being said, it's ok if one person has some different interests and that's a good thing really. They each have some things they like and want to do for themselves and they each can do that.

 

In the case above, however, it sounds as though it's more about the personality difference. If one is more outgoing and likes to be out most of the time and doing a bunch of different things while the other is more of a homebody and less interested in the outdoors, that ain't gonna work. They will be living separate lives basically.

[BlueIris]

I was wondering what other people's opinions were simply because he acted like I was being unreasonable. He thinks sharing a profession and political leaning is enough to keep people in a long-term relationship. We've got nothing else in common, and the big stuff that matters to me, we're totally different.

 

My opinion is that it was much harder to find someone who was a match on other factors that mattered more to me. Those things became my “big stuff” and you have to go by what is “big stuff” for you. I dated hyper-fit, very athletic men and very couch-potatoey men and many shades in between, but a man who was easy to talk with, who had very similar values and perspectives and who understood me was so hard to find it was my “big stuff.”

 

Honestly, his lack of respect for what you value appears to be the biggest stuff at issue here. Dating someone so dismissive of what you think and feel is a true nightmare.

[jjtr]

My opinion is that it was much harder to find someone who was a match on other factors that mattered more to me. Those things became my “big stuff” and you have to go by what is “big stuff” for you. I dated hyper-fit, very athletic men and very couch-potatoey men and many shades in between, but a man who was easy to talk with, who had very similar values and perspectives and who understood me was so hard to find it was my “big stuff.”

 

Honestly, his lack of respect for what you value appears to be the biggest stuff at issue here. Dating someone so dismissive of what you think and feel is a true nightmare.

 

Neither person respects the other's values.

[MissBee]

Person A enjoys working out regularly and training for athletic events, generally eating healthily, while also enjoying many splurges, especially socially with friends. Outdoorsy activities are their idea of a good time; hiking, snowboarding, a bike ride through the countryside are usually on their weekend or vacation to-do list.

 

Person B enjoys fast or convenient food, heavier, larger portions of creamy or greasier food that is well-regarded by local foodies and the Food Network and local high end craft beer, and does not exercise other than golf due to "bad knees." Prefers to spend their time at the movie theater or watching series after series on Netflix or HBO. Outdoorsy events are limited to being outdoors at sporting events, watching others participate, or at wineries walking along the vineyards.

 

Person A has determined they are incompatible for a relationship. Person B thinks this is just silly.

 

Agree or disagree with Person A, and why?

 

I don't think this is something other people can objectively disagree or agree on.

 

Compatibility can only be determined by the two folks who are going to have to spend time and share body fluids with each other.

 

Some couples seem to have divergent interests and lifestyles and it seems to work, however, it seems like far more couples share at least common lifestyle preferences. Hobbies are one thing but lifestyle is a much bigger deal and can be a source of friction if how you structure your life is vastly different from how the other person does. I think it's perfectly reasonable to choose your own dealbreakers and lifestyle differences are a huge one that make sense.

 

We all have to decide for ourselves what we can live with and what we can't and that's not anything other people can tell us, as they aren't us and we aren't them. I'm sure for some people they may not see it as a big deal, that's their right. But the court of public opinion doesn't get a say in this IMO. It's strictly up to the parties involved and what works for them or doesn't.

[Diezel]

My left knee is the equivalent of Brandon Roy's knees. Go google it.

I visited a sports doctor and was recommended a great brace so I could embark on physical activity. I've done 5K's, Tough Mudders, play basketball, hike, etc, etc, etc...

 

I have a legitimate problem with my knee and it hinders me on some days but it has not stopped me from trying to do things and it never will unless I am 100% physically incapable.

 

Like I said before, I've been Person B. When my knee was bothering me at first, I was hiding from doing activity until I ultimately realized that I was the problem more than my own knee.

 

And now because of that, I have a person who I enjoy BOTH food and beer tours with, but also running up and down hills with. Yes, she makes fun of me for having RoboCop for a knee, but she also appreciates that I am willing to wear it just to partake.

 

The absolute difference is the attitude with which you approach things.

[BlueBlood]

Im like Diezel. I was always active with my SO. Running, gym 4 days a week, lifting weights together. Then I got sick. Not to linger on it but it damages internal organs, connective tissue, and joints. It strikes randomly, in flares that can last hours or months. It's a legit diagnosis. I was really really worried how my SO would handle it, I was worried how I'd handle it! I had four falls, knee giving out, in a short time span of a few weeks. So it's real, it's not just "bad knees" due to weight. Lol. He told me the sweetest thing. That I worked harder than anyone he knew, that every morning getting up was painful and every morning I'd have to face that. No cure in sight. But that I got up, every morning. He was proud of me, and told me I was as beautiful as ever. He still works out every day, has a body to be proud of. But he is good about not making me feel like I'm incompatible with his lifestyle. We find things I can do still. Canoeing, swimming, slow gentle hikes, gardening. Hehe I used to bench press 100 pounds, and I'm not a big woman, now he lifts the pots and pans for me cause my fingers are bad right now. It's a major shift, but we're making it work. So yeah I think people at two different ability levels can do great, because he knows I'm working and giving 110% in physical therapy and with every activity. I've never felt he was of the impression I was lazy or letting myself go. If anything I eat so clean it's crazy! Despite it all my blood pressure and pulse are at all time lows! 90/50 is better than when I was running tons hehe. And gardening can be a very good workout but still gentle, as is yoga.

[No_Go]

Ha in my relationship I am person B, he is person A.

 

I am not in a bad shape though. I put on some weight recently but it is not because I do not exercise (I haven't changed the amount of exercising... which is low).

 

He asked me a few times to work out with him, and I told him I prefer activities where I can use my brain... Thinking back about it, maybe he got hurt from this comment, but I did too.

 

But still I don't think it is a big point of incompatibility unless he force me to work out, or I force him not to. I think we can learn from each other to appreciate the other's activities.

 

Btw, just for the record, I am much slimmer than him, and *look* in better shape than him (I'm sure that internally, he got benefits from working out, but I lucked on my genetics )

 

Ruby, I'm Person A. I'm like you, although closer to an 8-9, but definitely have my moments of 5-6. The guy in question never even gets to a 5, maybe a 3-4. We'll never overlap.

 

I just don't want him to rub off on me, to be honest. He has every excuse in the book for why he can't/won't be active and healthy - work is crazy, his knees are bad, he's too tired. He's 5 years younger than me and looks 10 years older than me from poor health.

[RoseVille]

My left knee is the equivalent of Brandon Roy's knees. Go google it.

I visited a sports doctor and was recommended a great brace so I could embark on physical activity. I've done 5K's, Tough Mudders, play basketball, hike, etc, etc, etc...

 

I have a legitimate problem with my knee and it hinders me on some days but it has not stopped me from trying to do things and it never will unless I am 100% physically incapable.

 

Like I said before, I've been Person B. When my knee was bothering me at first, I was hiding from doing activity until I ultimately realized that I was the problem more than my own knee.

 

And now because of that, I have a person who I enjoy BOTH food and beer tours with, but also running up and down hills with. Yes, she makes fun of me for having RoboCop for a knee, but she also appreciates that I am willing to wear it just to partake.

 

The absolute difference is the attitude with which you approach things.

 

Like I said, I enjoy my splurges and indulgences and have gone to many a beer/food/wine festival. I just balance that with things like Tough Mudders or even just walking my dang dogs! I just like to... move my body, in whatever way I can. SUP. Yoga. Hiking. Snow sports. Cycling. Whatever. Not every day. Not all the time. Just often enough where I feel good. I live near Ocean Beach in SF, my retailer exercise is just a run there to clear my mind and get some fresh air. The rest is just for fun.

 

This is just the icing on the cake stuff, the stuff I noticed straight away that I found to be a bit of a turn-off. I've never dated such an inactive (by choice) person before.

 

I mean the other REALLY big stuff to me, such as world travel (which he can afford) and love of animals/pets he's totally indifferent to. I don't want children!!! He does. WTF. We are not compatible!!!

 

"We're just not compatible, I don't think we should date anymore" is met with resistance. I'm told I'm being silly. That he finds me attractive, that we have stuff in common (what is that?), and that should be enough. He literally continues texting, calling, suggesting we go out tomorrow, this weekend, to the Giants game, the Niners are playing we should watch it, whatever, acting like we didn't have that conversation. (He literally just texted as I was typing this "Happy Hump Day, hehe, hint hint!" and we haven't even had sex...!!!)

 

I've known this guy for like 6 years through professional circles. We becomes friends, like buddy buddy friends. I friend-zoned him. He asked me out, I said why not to myself, and within a few dates it's dissolved into this.

 

Frustrating.

[RoseVille]

Im like Diezel. I was always active with my SO. Running, gym 4 days a week, lifting weights together. Then I got sick. Not to linger on it but it damages internal organs, connective tissue, and joints. It strikes randomly, in flares that can last hours or months. It's a legit diagnosis. I was really really worried how my SO would handle it, I was worried how I'd handle it! I had four falls, knee giving out, in a short time span of a few weeks. So it's real, it's not just "bad knees" due to weight. Lol. He told me the sweetest thing. That I worked harder than anyone he knew, that every morning getting up was painful and every morning I'd have to face that. No cure in sight. But that I got up, every morning. He was proud of me, and told me I was as beautiful as ever. He still works out every day, has a body to be proud of. But he is good about not making me feel like I'm incompatible with his lifestyle. We find things I can do still. Canoeing, swimming, slow gentle hikes, gardening. Hehe I used to bench press 100 pounds, and I'm not a big woman, now he lifts the pots and pans for me cause my fingers are bad right now. It's a major shift, but we're making it work. So yeah I think people at two different ability levels can do great, because he knows I'm working and giving 110% in physical therapy and with every activity. I've never felt he was of the impression I was lazy or letting myself go. If anything I eat so clean it's crazy! Despite it all my blood pressure and pulse are at all time lows! 90/50 is better than when I was running tons hehe. And gardening can be a very good workout but still gentle, as is yoga.

 

It's totally a mental thing for me. It's not that he can't, it's that he won't. It's that it doesn't interest him, in the slightest. He claims golf is exercise, but when you're drunk on the course and driving the cart between holes, I don't think it counts.

 

If he didn't exercise and ate clean of his own choice, I might be able to handle it, because that would demonstrate a desire to be healthy despite a lack of exercise. But his Instagram of his food that is basically a daily greasy burger covered in onion ring strings or a pulled pork hoagie wirh Mac and cheese on top of the sandwich, with fries and ranch or whatever just kills it for me. He eats like Guy Fieri every day, twice a day. No lie.

[menyou]

Like I said, I enjoy my splurges and indulgences and have gone to many a beer/food/wine festival. I just balance that with things like Tough Mudders or even just walking my dang dogs! I just like to... move my body, in whatever way I can. SUP. Yoga. Hiking. Snow sports. Cycling. Whatever. Not every day. Not all the time. Just often enough where I feel good. I live near Ocean Beach in SF, my retailer exercise is just a run there to clear my mind and get some fresh air. The rest is just for fun.

 

This is just the icing on the cake stuff, the stuff I noticed straight away that I found to be a bit of a turn-off. I've never dated such an inactive (by choice) person before.

 

I mean the other REALLY big stuff to me, such as world travel (which he can afford) and love of animals/pets he's totally indifferent to. I don't want children!!! He does. WTF. We are not compatible!!!

 

"We're just not compatible, I don't think we should date anymore" is met with resistance. I'm told I'm being silly. That he finds me attractive, that we have stuff in common (what is that?), and that should be enough. He literally continues texting, calling, suggesting we go out tomorrow, this weekend, to the Giants game, the Niners are playing we should watch it, whatever, acting like we didn't have that conversation. (He literally just texted as I was typing this "Happy Hump Day, hehe, hint hint!" and we haven't even had sex...!!!)

 

I've known this guy for like 6 years through professional circles. We becomes friends, like buddy buddy friends. I friend-zoned him. He asked me out, I said why not to myself, and within a few dates it's dissolved into this.

 

Frustrating.

RoseVille, you Both sound very blasé. How long have you been exploring this relationship as far as more than friends? I am an A/B person. 100%. I can go weeks meal prepping & doing two a days at the gym and still get around to bingeing on cheeseburgers, fries and Netflix daily. It isn't a bad thing to have separate intrerests as long as you are both supportive of each other's personal time. Compromise? How much do you like this guy?

[Blanco]

I grew up more like B, though I got into weight training when I was in college. I was never incredibly athletic looking, but I put in enough time at the gym where my periods of poor eating didn't doom me.

 

Five years ago, I really trimmed down. Probably the best I've looked in my adult life. Put on some weight a year later, but then got rededicated and dropped 25 pounds in 2012 and was looking pretty dang good. Then I moved in with my now-ex and it went to s***. Time was much more limited because of the kids, so I couldn't hit the gym as often and eventually fell into a habit of just not going even when I had the time.

 

Compounding the problem was my ex was the type who could eat terribly and at worst put on five or 10 pounds. Me? Not so much. I put on 50 pounds in the year and a half we lived together. I look at pictures of myself from last year and earlier this year and wanna punch myself for wasting time. I've since dropped just about all of the weight (40+ pounds plus more than 10 inches off the waist) in the six months since I knew the relationship was over.

 

Now, of course, no one forced me to act like this. But growing up this way, I have nostalgic memories of food that isn't great for me, so it's a constant effort to avoid reverting to old ways. In a sense, moving in with my ex was like a recovering addict moving in with a drug dealer. Just bad news waiting to happen.

 

Truth be told, one of the worst aspects of our relationship was that we didn't make each other better. We, in a lot of ways, made each other worse. And as superficial as it sounds, tense or tough times in the relationship aren't exactly enhanced when neither person is really looking or feeling their best.

[Ruby Slippers]

"We're just not compatible, I don't think we should date anymore" is met with resistance. I'm told I'm being silly. That he finds me attractive, that we have stuff in common (what is that?), and that should be enough. He literally continues texting, calling, suggesting we go out tomorrow, this weekend, to the Giants game, the Niners are playing we should watch it, whatever, acting like we didn't have that conversation. (He literally just texted as I was typing this "Happy Hump Day, hehe, hint hint!" and we haven't even had sex...!!!)

 

I've known this guy for like 6 years through professional circles. We becomes friends, like buddy buddy friends. I friend-zoned him. He asked me out, I said why not to myself, and within a few dates it's dissolved into this.

This is kind of cute. You're the picky Type A girl, and he's the laid-back party dude. You're the pernsickety cat, and he's the playful dog.

 

I think if you didn't like him at least a little, you'd just stop going out with him. Since you continue to respond to his attention, I get the impression you like him in spite of all the flaws about him you're enumerating here

[BlueIris]

Like I said, I enjoy my splurges and indulgences and have gone to many a beer/food/wine festival. I just balance that with things like Tough Mudders or even just walking my dang dogs! I just like to... move my body, in whatever way I can. SUP. Yoga. Hiking. Snow sports. Cycling. Whatever. Not every day. Not all the time. Just often enough where I feel good. I live near Ocean Beach in SF, my retailer exercise is just a run there to clear my mind and get some fresh air. The rest is just for fun.

 

This is just the icing on the cake stuff, the stuff I noticed straight away that I found to be a bit of a turn-off. I've never dated such an inactive (by choice) person before.

 

I mean the other REALLY big stuff to me, such as world travel (which he can afford) and love of animals/pets he's totally indifferent to. I don't want children!!! He does. WTF. We are not compatible!!!

 

"We're just not compatible, I don't think we should date anymore" is met with resistance. I'm told I'm being silly. That he finds me attractive, that we have stuff in common (what is that?), and that should be enough. He literally continues texting, calling, suggesting we go out tomorrow, this weekend, to the Giants game, the Niners are playing we should watch it, whatever, acting like we didn't have that conversation. (He literally just texted as I was typing this "Happy Hump Day, hehe, hint hint!" and we haven't even had sex...!!!)

 

I've known this guy for like 6 years through professional circles. We becomes friends, like buddy buddy friends. I friend-zoned him. He asked me out, I said why not to myself, and within a few dates it's dissolved into this.

 

Frustrating.

 

RoseVille, you two aren’t compatible at all and his discounting these MANY points of incompatibility makes me now question his intelligence- or intentions. Hump Day? Oh please…. What a pity that a positive professional relationship has now become tainted by his desires.

[BlueBlood]

It's totally a mental thing for me. It's not that he can't, it's that he won't. It's that it doesn't interest him, in the slightest. He claims golf is exercise, but when you're drunk on the course and driving the cart between holes, I don't think it counts.

 

If he didn't exercise and ate clean of his own choice, I might be able to handle it, because that would demonstrate a desire to be healthy despite a lack of exercise. But his Instagram of his food that is basically a daily greasy burger covered in onion ring strings or a pulled pork hoagie wirh Mac and cheese on top of the sandwich, with fries and ranch or whatever just kills it for me. He eats like Guy Fieri every day, twice a day. No lie.

 

Wow that's about the worst diet I've heard of. Eating that daily? It's a miracle he isn't dead of a heart attack. I say this as I eat some amazing artisanal chicken and veggie pizza (first pizza I've had in I don't know when, six months maybe? Lunch 99% of the time is a salad or homemade veg soup or a protein shake) so even my indulgence eating is better than his normal meals. How old is he and what sort of health is he in? I think eating that way you'd just feel sick! Each meal you described sounds like 2000 calorie binges..