RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Person A enjoys working out regularly and training for athletic events, generally eating healthily, while also enjoying many splurges, especially socially with friends. Outdoorsy activities are their idea of a good time; hiking, snowboarding, a bike ride through the countryside are usually on their weekend or vacation to-do list. Person B enjoys fast or convenient food, heavier, larger portions of creamy or greasier food that is well-regarded by local foodies and the Food Network and local high end craft beer, and does not exercise other than golf due to "bad knees." Prefers to spend their time at the movie theater or watching series after series on Netflix or HBO. Outdoorsy events are limited to being outdoors at sporting events, watching others participate, or at wineries walking along the vineyards. Person A has determined they are incompatible for a relationship. Person B thinks this is just silly. Agree or disagree with Person A, and why?
Oregon_Dude Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Person A is a healthy person. Person B is a gross, lazy fatty. Persons A and B will never work out for these very basic reasons. 3
jen1447 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 All depends on the sensibilities of the persons. 5
Gaeta Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I agree with A. I have a friend in this situation. He's A, she is B. They have a miserable life together. He watches what she eats and comments negatively on it. He keeps telling her to get up and move. She feels he's too hot for her, he's eventually gonna find someone in sports like him and dump her. 1
central Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 While I agree with A, it doesn't matter. It only takes one person to veto a relationship. A walked, B balked ... oh well! 5
Diezel Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 B is going to drag A down. I agree with A. Also, I've been both A and B. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I think there's a spectrum between Type A and Type B. If Type A is level 10 for fitness and Type B is 1, I'm probably about 7 or 8. And for me it's cyclical, where I'll have periods in life with more intense fitness activity, and periods where I'm resting more. I'm most active in summer when it's hot, less in winter when it's cold. I think it's important that there be decent overlap on the spectrum. I've never had a relationship with a man who was more active than I am, but I have motivated several men to become more active doing things with me. These are usually men who were very active in high school, but moved toward a sedentary lifestyle with all the responsibilities of growing up. I make room in my life for regular workouts doing things I enjoy, because I know I just feel so much better when I'm fit. I don't see myself having much in common with a man who's a 1 and never wants to get off the couch. I also probably wouldn't click with a 10 whose life revolves around his meal and gym plan. It's ideal if you like about the same amount of activity, but I think you can flex up or down a few points, if you and your partner are reasonably flexible. 4
smackie9 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 It's a matter of lifestyle. If they are too different, then it won't work. A is right. 1
Author RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Ruby, I'm Person A. I'm like you, although closer to an 8-9, but definitely have my moments of 5-6. The guy in question never even gets to a 5, maybe a 3-4. We'll never overlap. I just don't want him to rub off on me, to be honest. He has every excuse in the book for why he can't/won't be active and healthy - work is crazy, his knees are bad, he's too tired. He's 5 years younger than me and looks 10 years older than me from poor health.
Maggie4 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Advantage of being with person B is that they're in no position to judge other people, so they leave you alone to do your thing. Level 10 will judge level 8-9.
jjtr Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 How do you approach him about these sorts of things? Do you confront him in a way that he might perceive as rude/demanding? Do you need him to be as much of a health nut as you? Have you tried to get him more active little by little? Like, could you suggest doing something fun that also requires activity (like a nature hike or something)? Could you try to make healthier versions of the foods he enjoys? If you need him to be a health fanatic and that's just not him, I don't think it'll work. But I don't think this isn't something that you two couldn't overcome if there's room to compromise/he isn't completely refusing to change.
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I'm more a B type. I'm not athletic. Fitness isn't my thing. I'm hardly gross or fat although I am presently at my heaviest weight ever; BMI is still normal. If you don't like the choices the other person makes you will fight all the time. B is entitled to his opinion but that is no reason for A to stick around. 1
pteromom Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I have friends who are in long term marriages like this. One partner is highly athletic and healthy, and the other is not. The key to making it work is RESPECT. You have to respect your differences, and not try to change the other person into you. If you can do that, it can work. But if you can't accept them for who they are, there is no point in trying to build a relationship. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Ruby, I'm Person A. I'm like you, although closer to an 8-9, but definitely have my moments of 5-6. The guy in question never even gets to a 5, maybe a 3-4. We'll never overlap. I just don't want him to rub off on me, to be honest. He has every excuse in the book for why he can't/won't be active and healthy - work is crazy, his knees are bad, he's too tired. He's 5 years younger than me and looks 10 years older than me from poor health. I get that. I also get the sense that you don't respect this man's lifestyle, that you view him as lazy and not up to your standards. If you don't respect the man, a relationship would never go anywhere. 3
Popsicle Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I'm thin but don't work out, but because I look like I work out, I tend to attract people who do work out and then we have this awkward interaction where they think I want to climb a mountain and I have to tell them that I'd rather take a picture of the mountain. 5
Author RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 How do you approach him about these sorts of things? Do you confront him in a way that he might perceive as rude/demanding? Do you need him to be as much of a health nut as you? Have you tried to get him more active little by little? Like, could you suggest doing something fun that also requires activity (like a nature hike or something)? Could you try to make healthier versions of the foods he enjoys? If you need him to be a health fanatic and that's just not him, I don't think it'll work. But I don't think this isn't something that you two couldn't overcome if there's room to compromise/he isn't completely refusing to change. I don't "confront" him. I've made suggestions of things I'd like to do together that are active. A hike through Muir Woods, for example. Snowboarding should California ever see precipitation again. He's quickly said no, he can't/won't, doesn't want to, doesn't enjoy it, physically isn't able to because of his knees (likely weight relayed). He suggests beer, BBQ, and grilled cheese festivals or staying in with Netflix instead. My vacations involve snow trips to Colorado or hiking in Peru or whitewater in Oregon. He's already expressed indignation at why I'd go on these trips when, if he joined, he'd be stuck alone at the hotel, and suggests we go on a food tour or a lounge-on-the-beach-all-week trip instead. I'm not a "health nut" or a "health fanatic." Did you read the OP? I enjoy plenty of splurges; I balance activity and healthy choices with enjoying myself. I just like to be outside living life! His daily life is one big splurge.
carhill Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Agree or disagree with Person A, and why? Presuming both are established adults with settled lifestyles, incompatible. Why? Disparate lifestyle impacts on everyday living would preclude almost all but the most altruistic of compromises. The parties would have to be exceedingly patient and accommodating of their differences. In today's society I don't see that happening, if such differences are clear at the beginning. 1
jjtr Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I don't "confront" him. I've made suggestions of things I'd like to do together that are active. A hike through Muir Woods, for example. Snowboarding should California ever see precipitation again. He's quickly said no, he can't/won't, doesn't want to, doesn't enjoy it, physically isn't able to because of his knees (likely weight relayed). He suggests beer, BBQ, and grilled cheese festivals or staying in with Netflix instead. My vacations involve snow trips to Colorado or hiking in Peru or whitewater in Oregon. He's already expressed indignation at why I'd go on these trips when, if he joined, he'd be stuck alone at the hotel, and suggests we go on a food tour or a lounge-on-the-beach-all-week trip instead. I'm not a "health nut" or a "health fanatic." Did you read the OP? I enjoy plenty of splurges; I balance activity and healthy choices with enjoying myself. I just like to be outside living life! His daily life is one big splurge. If his knee issues are legitimate (weight related or not), hiking and snowboarding are awful suggestions. Why not try to start with something less intense?
Author RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 If his knee issues are legitimate (weight related or not), hiking and snowboarding are awful suggestions. Why not try to start with something less intense? Such as...? Sitting and eating? He's got that covered. I'm an active person. Do you or do you not agree that an active person can find the inability or complete lack of desire to engage in any active activities is an incompatibility? It is to me. I don't think his knee issues are legitimate. I think he's lazy. He doesn't exercise at all. Not even bike riding or swimming, which is the most low impact thing a person can do for their knees.
Author RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 I get that. I also get the sense that you don't respect this man's lifestyle, that you view him as lazy and not up to your standards. If you don't respect the man, a relationship would never go anywhere. This is true. I don't respect his lifestyle. I also don't respect his lack of work ethic. In some ways I see the two overlapping, for him, anyway.
jjtr Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Such as...? Sitting and eating? He's got that covered. I'm an active person. Do you or do you not agree that an active person can find the inability or complete lack of desire to engage in any active activities is an incompatibility? It is to me. I don't think his knee issues are legitimate. I think he's lazy. He doesn't exercise at all. Not even bike riding or swimming, which is the most low impact thing a person can do for their knees. You seem to be answering your own questions. This seems like a major incompatibility for you. If neither of you are willing to compromise, it's not going to work. Simple as that.
Author RoseVille Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 You seem to be answering your own questions. This seems like a major incompatibility for you. If neither of you are willing to compromise, it's not going to work. Simple as that. Well, I know the answer for me. Your opinion doesn't change that. I was wondering what other people's opinions were simply because he acted like I was being unreasonable. He thinks sharing a profession and political leaning is enough to keep people in a long-term relationship. We've got nothing else in common, and the big stuff that matters to me, we're totally different.
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I don't respect his lifestyle. I also don't respect his lack of work ethic. In some ways I see the two overlapping, for him, anyway. It's not about eating vs hiking. You don't want to date him. So don't date him. Why is it an on-going issue? You incompatibilities could be anything -- religion, politics, view on drugs, etc. If you are not on the same page it won't work long term. So if you already have such a low opinion of him why are you so upset that he thinks your thinking on the subject of level of activity is flawed? Who cares what he thinks? You are not dating him! 1
Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 You two are incompatible. If he was going to change, he would have done so by now. For example, I have been in graduate school the last two years. I am a generally big person and I put on some significant weight of course while my love interest is a small person and added on relatively little. I used to be physically active because I enjoy the outdoors, and without prodding have dropped 30 lbs this summer with walking, swimming, weights/crunches and hiking. I have a history of back injury but have fought through it because I don't like being overweight even if I like beer and wings. We also share a profession and political leaning, but physical attraction is also important and weight is a big factor in that regard. Perhaps you should start with the small things just to feel him out on even ground? Maybe you two could go political canvassing or camping. Something to get him out of his element and put what you want in reach without making him feel lessened. If he doesn't respond, you would truly know that he won't decide to change. How are you uncertain about knee issues at this point? Did he tear an ACL or something? If he's not truthful about his knees, that's a whole additional can of worms. Why are you with this person?
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