YayaSanogo Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Hi everyone! I'm not sure how long this post will be, and it will hurt me, but I'll do it because I feel helpless. I hope someone will read it. I'm wondering if there are anyone who has been in similar situations and have advice for me. I'm desperate for it. :-( On Tuesday evening me and my girlfriend broke up after deciding together that it didnt work anymore as it should. We've been together since we were 17 years old, which means for nearly five years now. Quite early on, when we were 18 actually, I moved into her apartment placed in the basement underneath her parents. We also got a puppy together asap after I moved in. Together we grew up and graduated high school together. Afterwards she went on to work at a kindergarten as she was unsure what to study, while I'm on my final year now at college. During these years together my life changed more than I could ever imagine. As I said we grew up together, we turned into adults. Before I met her I was just a teenager living in my small room at my parents house. We've been through so much together! We had a dog and I got so close to her family. They're the most open and welcomimg people I've ever met. We've been on vacations together with her sister and her husband, her brother and her parents plenty of times. We're all as one big unit. And of course we've travelled a lot alone too. This summer, just one month ago in August, we travelled to Greece on a superromantic vacation before we drove to Denmark to vacate with her family as I mentioned it for an additional week. Since we had the dog we've also been going for walks together every day, both nearby and far away on mountains, on the beach etc.. All the memories already drive me completely mad. I'm thinking I will never experience what I had with her with someone else again. She was literally the dream girl taken from a movie. She's a 10 on looks, loves kids, LOVED her familiy and her friends, loved animals etc.. I was also her first true love, and she was mine. And then about the relationship itself. The first three years was fantastic. We did stuff together every day. Exchanged presents, had good sex and everything was truly perfect in life. One day we were gonna get engaged and get kids, that was for sure. But the last two years things started to go downhill. We didn't spend as much timer with each other anymore, and the sex was getting worse. It turned into a state where I usually did my things, and she did hers. Spontanious trips to the cinema and restaurants, stuff like that, also kinda stopped. But when we actually did spend time together it was always amazing. Not to mention the vacations... It makes competely crazy to even think about them. So many beautiful memories! When we were on vacations together everything was always perfect again, and I almost cry when I think about the vacation we had a month ago. But still things were getting worse. Two years ago things were just starting getting worse to be honest, it was really the last year where we noticed it and talked about it. We talked about ending it almost a year ago, but decided to work on it. Before the summer things were back to the per usual, and we were close to breaking up. I had started packing a little bit, but she came into the room and cried and said she didn't want to end it. The summer was truly fantastic, but the last two weeks things were yet again back to 'normal'. We then decided on Tuesday evening that we had to end it once and for all, even though we still loved each other as much as when we started dating. But the relationship wasnt working properly anymore. Wednesday I moved out while she was at work. Back to the room which is competely the same as I left it when I was 18 years old. It was and is still completely devastating to me. It felt as if my heart had been ripped out and that I was no longer living my own life. It was like I moved back in time to when I was a teenager. I'm back to where I started and everything feels empty to me. She also has kept the dog because our (or her's...) apartment is where it belongs. I dont eat and I have trouble sleeping. When I've spent time with my friends I can't think about anything else than her. We wrote together on FB the day after the breakup. We both felt we had so many questions because it went so quickly. Decided to break up before we went to bad, the following day I was suddenly moved out. We were both extremely sad it hadnt worked out, but she then went on to say 'perhaps we never got the big change that we needed'. It got stuck in my head and I started getting thoughs that if we just moved out from her apartment, or we spent some time from square one (her living at her place and me at my place) we could have a fresh start. We decided to meet yesterday and I was planning to say this and get her back. During the trip yesterday with the dog (which I also loved more than anything) I said it. I asked if she wanted to try again if we did a bigger change. It wasnt what she competely had meant, but I could see that she liked the thought. She went on to say that we had tried too many times and it probably wouldnt work. There was obviously a lot of crying during the trip from both of us, hugging etc.. When we finally reached the end we both started crying and gave each other a last kiss. It was obvious we both love each other extremely much, and she wanted to be strong for both of us. She noticed I was the weaker part and didn't give in. She cried that it will turn out okay for both of us, and if we were really meant to be we would once again, but not now. And then that was it. One day later I'm still at my parents, competely tapped from energy. On Tuesday I had decided that it wasnt working, but now I'm a complete mess. I can't see how the life can go on, and how I can ever find a girl like her. Life as of now feels meaningless and I've never been hurt nearly as much as I'm now. She actually wrote to me after the "trip" so to speak though. She told me it was nice seeing me again, and that I had to remember that we made the decision together as adults and in the long term it would probably be the best for both of us and that she still loved me as much as ever. She said that this was just as hard for her, and that I was probably as clouded by emotions as she was the second time we almost broke up when she came into the room to tell me that she didn't want to break up. I still have some stuff at her place that needs to be picked up. We kinda agreed I'd pick it up in two weeks when her parents werent there so it wouldnt be so awkward and I suggested that we could talk again. She said she'd like that. But I'm not sure if its smart or not.. Before we met yesterday it was the hope that was really killing me, and that I got to know that she thought it was over for now was kinda a little bit of a relief as I finally knew where she stood. When she wrote to me after the trip I kinda got my hopes back up that we'll decide to try again then in two weeks time.. But it's possible that she doesn't want this, that she just wants to talk again like yesterday. We've also agreed that I can come visit her place if I want to talk our dog for a walk. Not sure if that's a great idea either. Seeing the apartment etc again will probably bring up so many feelings. I really don't know what to do further.. Deep down right now I still think it will be us in the end, we just needed to work harder on the relationship. We didn't try hard enough. As of right now as I explained she doesn't think it will work, but maybe she will when she has time to reflect? I don't know if I should lose all hope, because I'm not sure I can annd want to. Or maybe she is right that i'm not seeing things clearly right now..
drseuss Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 This must be very painfull mental and physically for you , and sadly it will be for a few weeks to come . You have lost not only your love but where you called home and all of the things you shared with her so it's alot to take in There are some truths in this , you both love each other but for what ever reason it's not working ,you have had numerous talks of breaking up and a two year decline ,sadly I think you have had more than enough time to try and save it but it hasn't work which means you two are not meant to be together and ate not a compatible couple , at the moment anyway She was you young as we're you when you got together and may feel she has more to experience as a young woman What issue lead to your break up and cause the gradual decline ?
Author YayaSanogo Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) This must be very painfull mental and physically for you , and sadly it will be for a few weeks to come . You have lost not only your love but where you called home and all of the things you shared with her so it's alot to take in There are some truths in this , you both love each other but for what ever reason it's not working ,you have had numerous talks of breaking up and a two year decline ,sadly I think you have had more than enough time to try and save it but it hasn't work which means you two are not meant to be together and ate not a compatible couple , at the moment anyway She was you young as we're you when you got together and may feel she has more to experience as a young woman What issue lead to your break up and cause the gradual decline ? Yes you're right it feels like I've lost life as I've grown to know it as an adult. I still think she's the one but I think you're right as for right now it wasnt working out. We werent commited enough to make the change needed. We thought it'd be enough to talk about for for a few hours then it would suddenly go away without more effort. Sadly I understand that now, but it seems to me that she doesnt :-( Not yet, anyway. At one point it went over a month before we had sex, and we had barely spent one evening together in two weeks and we'd barely speak. Sure we'd eat dinner together and watch some netflix, and maybe talk a walk with the dog but it wasn't nearly as good/or the same as "normal". At the worst times it was like that. But then it'd go back to being perfect again. But the problem every time and the reason for all the conversations about breaking up was that it always went back to being bad in the end before we'd have a new conversation about it. It was like this: Good/Perfect -> Worse -> Bad -> Conversation about it ->Good/Perfect->Worse->Bad again etc.. As I said I don't think we did enough effort to REALLY make a change. Edited September 14, 2015 by YayaSanogo
Penguins Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I am sorry for your loss. My first impression is that you are describing a normal marriage. Marriage takes work, the relationship takes work. Things ebb and flow, but the commitment of having chosen a life partner, gives rise to getting creative on working through the issues. If there is no commitment and you think there is another person that will make you happy, because being happy and having everything work perfectly is your goal, than this is pretty much what your relationships are going to look like. I don't think there is any relationship on earth were every moment is wonderful and there are often times where you feel distant. But as relationships go, there are wonderful times of closeness. Expecting "normal" to be the highs is unrealistic and will set you up for failure. I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that as time goes one the pain will diminish and you can look back and learn from the past and grow in your understanding. Hugs!
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