I really think my ex with GIGS might come back. Am I right or delusional?

[greenleaves54]

Hey everyone! Ok, my ex just got what I'm pretty sure is GIGS and broke up about 5-6 days ago. She gave me the classics like: "I need to experience life on my own”, ”You are everything I want, I just need to be alone”, ”I'm not going to get together with anyone else, I just need to be just me, I never experienced what it's like” and ”If its meant to be us, it will become us at a later time”.

 

We had been together for two years. It may be important to note that our last year has been long-distance. I'm 25 and she's 20 so her GIGS didn't really come as a big surprise to me. Of course I was sad and shocked the first few days. During the first time of her doubts she was clearly divided. One moment she sent cute messages like ”I love you <3” and the next she seemed totally cold and uninterested. I did sent her a letter where I described fun moments we had together and the things we had in common. Sending a letter like that maybe shows weakness but at the same her lack of emotional reaction of the letter made me realize on the third or fourth day that the battle was over and that I had to let her go. I told her I completely understood her need and agreed that the decision to break up probably was the wisest thing we could do. I even tried to speed up the actual break up, mostly to get some control of the situation back and told her there wasn't any reason to prolong it any longer, which felt good. To win back the self-respect I might have lost during the first 2-3 days of being sad and trying to reason with her (I think I even mentioned that GIGS might be the thing here) I told her I was there for her but if she chose another way in life I would respect that too.

 

So in the end I believe I managed to get out of the relationship with quite a degree of self-respect and confidence left. The thing is I do really understand her. I had my own small case of GIGS a couple of months ago. I believe that nearly all GIGS are an effect of having other people paying attention to you. Would you agree with me?

 

A few months ago, a girl made contact with me, said I looked really interesting and asked me out for a date. She was super cute and I got REALLY interested, I'm not going to deny it. After a battle in my head for a few hours/days I realized it would be stupid to throw away a great two-year relationship out the window just to experience the ”honeymoon-period” again and declined the date.

 

Even if my ex says she isn't interested in anyone else and just wants to be alone but she also told me that other guys have expressed how ”very good-looking” she is and some have been very physical around her etc. I was able to get over my GIGS, but OF COURSE it's harder for her. She has people around her 24/7, both at school and where she lives. And she's only 20 years old. Of course she gets unsure whether choosing me for the rest of her life is the right thing to do with all those other opportunities around her. I'm older and don't have as many people around me so staying was an easier choice for me.

 

So we parted on very good terms and a friendly footing. I try to see the next months as a great way for myself as well to see if I still think she's the one I want to spend my life with after all (I'm pretty sure she is though). I've started NC partly for my own sake, but also to give her time to think what she really values in life. Our relationship was great and the break-up was very friendly. Our only bigger discussion happened a few weeks ago and was about whether living together with our different religious beliefs would work in long run. This might have been a factor in starting her doubts and her GIGS process but I think the process would have started itself anyway because of her young age.

 

I really do believe that there's quite a big chance that, in some time, her GIGS blindness will have faded and she will be able to see clearly that what we had really was something special. If she doesn't that will be fine too, then it wasn't meant to be. Believing she will come back will probably make it harder for me to move on though. But can you blame me for thinking that way? My own GIGS experience probably helped me in that I'm not stuck in the ”girlfriend on a pedestal”- phenomena (at least I hope I'm not). So the chances of reconcilation feel as good as they could possibly be. Do you think I'm right or just delusional? Since I'm not at all angry with her I would have very little trouble accepting her back, provided she is absolutely sure I'm the guy she wants to be with. I belive this phase will either make the relationship twice as strong as it was, or forever make us go different ways, which would also be ok if that's what she wants.

So, whats my best move now? I'm not contacting her, and if she starts contacting me I will tell her we both probably need some time focusing on our own and that I still have feelings for her that I need to get over. The classic response pretty much I guess. In the meantime I will focus on my studies, my excersise, friends and other girls. I was a crying wreck the first few days, but I almost fear that I'm taking this break-up too easy. If I really loved her that much one would believe that I wouldn't be able to think this clearly only 5-6 days after the break-up. But I guess my self-esteem and confidence has helped me.

 

I guess this was mostly for venting, but I'm wondering if you agree with me that GIGS is almost always a result of a need to try out other guys who flirts when your current relationship has left the ”honeymoon period”? Her attraction for me has probably decreased due to our LDR and all those other random guys around her. But that can change. She can't be able to know what excellent boyfriend I am until she tried out something else, I respect and completely understand that. Humans want what we don't got, and when we got it we dont value it much anymore and want something else. Humans are kind of stupid in that way too. But I guess we all must learn the hard way.

 

I wonder though what I should do after 30-60 days of NC, if she hasn't approached me. I will update the thread when that happens. But it would it be so wrong to initate contact after 2-3 months, calling her and asking what she's doing, reminding her how much we laugh when we are talking about everyday life? Is waiting for her really always the right thing to do? I feel I need some help pushing me in the right direction here.

 

Sorry for the long post. This forum is a great place and I learned so much from it. Maybe someone finds my story helpful too. And If anyone has any thoughts or tips I'd be very grateful!

[Christos]

You are absolutely right! Most of the time, they indeed come back. You are not delusional at all. They may come back just for an ego boost, or just for sex, or because they are lonely and you are their back up plan, or because of guilt. But come back they will at some point.

 

The question is, why do you care?

[PegNosePete]

I wonder though what I should do after 30-60 days of NC

You should ask us again after 90-120.

Then after 180-240.

And then after 360-720.

And keep coming back, until you no longer feel the need to count the days, weeks or months.

 

But it would it be so wrong to initate contact after 2-3 months, calling her and asking what she's doing, reminding her how much we laugh when we are talking about everyday life?

"Wrong"? It would put you right back to square 1. You will get hurt. Your emotions and feelings will be destroyed. You will be a wreck. Is that "wrong"? You decide.

 

Is waiting for her really always the right thing to do?

NO! Waiting for someone is never the right thing to do.

 

She is gone. Sorry but you need to forget her and move on.

[greenleaves54]

I care because I love her and because I think we could live a very happy life together.

 

You don't think there's a possibility she could come back because she didn't realize what she threw away, that everyone else sucks and that I'm the only one who understands her?

 

I realize it probably takes quite some time before she's completely done with the "living free-phase" though. Maybe by then I have moved on with someone else.

[greenleaves54]

You should ask us again after 90-120.

Then after 180-240.

And then after 360-720.

And keep coming back, until you no longer feel the need to count the days, weeks or months.

 

 

"Wrong"? It would put you right back to square 1. You will get hurt. Your emotions and feelings will be destroyed. You will be a wreck. Is that "wrong"? You decide.

 

 

NO! Waiting for someone is never the right thing to do.

 

She is gone. Sorry but you need to forget her and move on.

 

You're probably right. It's hard to think straight. I guess she knows where I stand right. If we are to try again it has to be on her initiative. Ok, I won't contact her. It's hard to drop the thought of reconciliation and move on, but I will try.

[Blanco]

You don't think there's a possibility she could come back because she didn't realize what she threw away, that everyone else sucks and that I'm the only one who understands her?

 

But everyone doesn't suck. And there isn't anyone out there who is only understood by just ONE person in the world.

 

It's clear you're hurting, but the sooner you at least admit the possibility that she would match up as well or better with at least a few other people out there, the less it will hurt when she inevitably dates other people.

[greenleaves54]

But everyone doesn't suck. And there isn't anyone out there who is only understood by just ONE person in the world.

 

It's clear you're hurting, but the sooner you at least admit the possibility that she would match up as well or better with at least a few other people out there, the less it will hurt when she inevitably dates other people.

 

That's true. If she hooks up with someone else and believes he's better for her, then I'm ready to accept that we were not meant for each other.

 

But it seems more logical to assume that its just a phase when one month back, we were both so sure we would be spending our whole lives together. But maybe what she actually means when she says: "I love you but I need some alone time" is: "I've met someone who I think is better than you. I realized you are not at all what I wanted. Goodbye." In that case, I wish they would say the truth like that instead of something else. It's hard to know what she really thinks. But in the end, that shouldn't matter to me right? Because I should just forget her and move on. Gee, its hard.

[Truth34]

I dont have the long term relationship like you had, but I'm also kinda debating what I should do with my situation. Since things stopped, she has tried to be nice and send me messages and other cute things, to which I have responded but I haven't really expelled any effort. I wasn't a dick, just less enthusiastic (obviously).

 

And now it's been two weeks since we spoke, and the last thing she said to me was we should definitely catch up soon.

 

I know in my head I should never initiate contact (as I've been doing), but at the same time what if she is thinking that "well, he clearly doesn't want to talk to me anymore so f*ck it" and then rolls out. I don't want that to be the case, so I'm with you man. She is 19 and many hours away from me at college, btw.

 

Women, eh.

[greenleaves54]

I dont have the long term relationship like you had, but I'm also kinda debating what I should do with my situation. Since things stopped, she has tried to be nice and send me messages and other cute things, to which I have responded but I haven't really expelled any effort. I wasn't a dick, just less enthusiastic (obviously).

 

And now it's been two weeks since we spoke, and the last thing she said to me was we should definitely catch up soon.

 

I know in my head I should never initiate contact (as I've been doing), but at the same time what if she is thinking that "well, he clearly doesn't want to talk to me anymore so f*ck it" and then rolls out. I don't want that to be the case, so I'm with you man. She is 19 and many hours away from me at college, btw.

 

Women, eh.

 

It really is hard. But I think we must understand that they know what we feel and if they really changed their minds they WOULD make contact with us. We know that deep inside. If they aren't making contact they are probably pleased with their current situation. I know she likes talking to me, we've been sharing every little bit of our days for two years now, it's hard to just stop doing that. But we can't allow them to break up with us and still have us there.

 

My goal now is to stay NC until Christmas (when her birthday is). That's almost 3,5 months from now. But maybe its counter-productive setting up a goal like that? I know the point should be focusing on myself and forgetting about her, but maybe having a few side goals, one month at a time can help?

 

It would be much easier to move on if she was horrible to me and cheated on me at the end. But everything was just great, she loved me but "needed to try life on her own". It must be among the hardest circumstances for the dumpee to move on in.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

She'll be banging someone anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months from when she dumped you. I doubt she'll be back, especially since you are far away, unless she gets burned a few times. She's a hot commodity right now.

[Oregon_Dude]

You need to get to the place where IF she tries to come back - which she will NOT, btw - you won't accept her or respond to her.

 

She's 20 years old, man. Women that age have very little sense of personal accountability, let alone how to manage a successful relationship.

 

Stop planning for the future if this one comes back. You're still in the bargaining stage - which is natural, we all go through it - but the fact is you're self-deluding. Soon enough you'll see that this one is just playing the field and not interested in a LTR. Not with you, not with anyone.

 

Nothing you could have done here. Move on.

[EO422]

Dude trust me it hurts now. But they won't come back for a long time. Don't wait. Move on please!!

[greenleaves54]

Thanks guys. You make it easier to realize the truth.

 

The human brain is just so weird. Throughout the relationship she always sent me letters telling me how grateful she was I was her boyfriend, how great it is being with me, how she wouldn't manage without my support etc.

 

Then BAM: "I need to be alone". You really wonder what suddenly happened with all those feelings. It really is the weirdest thing.

 

I accept that someone else as caught her interest. I will move on with life. I wont contact her anymore. Except possibly on her birthday at Christmas in 3,5 months.

Edited September 15, 2015 by greenleaves54

[mightycpa]

Thanks guys. You make it easier to realize the truth.

 

The human brain is just so weird. Throughout the relationship she always sent me letters telling me how grateful she was I was her boyfriend, how great it is being with me, how she wouldn't manage without my support etc.

 

Then BAM: "I need to be alone". You really wonder what suddenly happened with all those feelings. It really is the weirdest thing.

 

I accept that someone else as caught her interest. I will move on with life. I wont contact her anymore. Except possibly on her birthday at Christmas in 3,5 months.

To answer your original question, you are delusional. You're thinking in terms of you as a couple, past and hopefully future, but the truth is probably that you've had your run. What is it about birthdays that attracts the forlorn? Don't contact her for either of those two things. Go live your life instead.

 

What happened to all those feelings? Being "in love" is an introduction. It compels two people to get to know each other, to become intimate, and it's the greatest. But it doesn't last. It is an introduction. After that fades, people start to ask themselves if this person, who is looking more and more normal every day, contributes to their life in such a way that they are willing to give up on "in love" and settle for what seems like far more practical things. When you're 30, yeah maybe, depending on how many times you've been around the block. But when you're 20, being constantly hit on, and many of those guys are accomplished, smart, interesting and good-looking?

 

Well, you know the rest. She's out there looking for love again, and one day, she's going to find it. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that it probably won't stand the test of time either. Or better yet, forget about her.

[greenleaves54]

To answer your original question, you are delusional. You're thinking in terms of you as a couple, past and hopefully future, but the truth is probably that you've had your run. What is it about birthdays that attracts the forlorn? Don't contact her for either of those two things. Go live your life instead.

 

What happened to all those feelings? Being "in love" is an introduction. It compels two people to get to know each other, to become intimate, and it's the greatest. But it doesn't last. It is an introduction. After that fades, people start to ask themselves if this person, who is looking more and more normal every day, contributes to their life in such a way that they are willing to give up on "in love" and settle for what seems like far more practical things. When you're 30, yeah maybe, depending on how many times you've been around the block. But when you're 20, being constantly hit on, and many of those guys are accomplished, smart, interesting and good-looking?

 

Well, you know the rest. She's out there looking for love again, and one day, she's going to find it. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that it probably won't stand the test of time either. Or better yet, forget about her.

 

Thanks for the faceslapping! I need it!

 

I get what you mean! She ended it for a reason. I will move on! That thought feels a lot better already.

 

I also liked your thoughts about how love and the "honeymoon period" is a test where two people get to know each other. Some relationships pass the test, some don't! That makes sense. Love needs to be unmystified a bit more. I guess she realized something that would have taken me longer to realize. I should probably thank her!

 

Thanks again guys. It feels like I'm on the right track.

[greenleaves54]

I'm having the worst day now. I want to contact her, but I'll write here instead.

 

I don't get anything. I'm so confused. Only 5 days passed after break-up. Only 3 days after NC. It's like I suddenly realized that we're not just on a break. She broke up which must mean she doesn't see a future with me.

 

But couldn't she have made that clearer?? I looked at our Facebook chat. 8 days ago (3 days before the actual break-up) she sent me numerous cute couple pictures of us, hearts, "I'm in love with you!!! I promise!!!! <3 <3, a video with a song saying "I love you".

 

What's that about?? I don't get anything!! She also liked a hypothetical thought where we would go separate ways for 2 years and live free and then reconcile and live happily ever after.

 

At that point (8 days ago) we had begun discussion her "want to live free-feelings", but when she sent me all those things I really thought: "Phew, we managed to work it out. She really loves me, look she said it".

 

And 1-2 days after she's very different in her tone and emotions and we break up.

 

This is like torture to a guy. What am I suppose to think? What does she think? Of course I get stuck in the reconciliation dream and can't get out of it.

 

Apparently her feelings told her she loves me 8 days ago. She didn't lie, I know it. But apparently her GIGS crisis made her mind change quickly.

 

I really really really want to call her and confront her with her mixed messages. I want the classic closure I guess..... I want to ask: "Ok, so you don't see any future with you and me in it? Is your love to me completely gone? How come you told me you loved me two days before break up? "But I probably know what she would answer: "I don't know... Not right now, I need to be free for a bit".

 

This would be the stupidest thing ever to call her and say right? I'd probably destroy any chances of reconciliation there was? You don't think it would help my healing? It feels so hard to bear this confusion right now.... what's going on in her head.... I feel like I must call her. But I probably shouldn't do it right now when I'm so upset anyway.... I wish she would have just said "My feelings for you are gone. I see no future for us". That would have been so much easier.

 

Sorry for the crazy vent and the bad grammar. I need some sense spoken to me

 

Edit: Ok, I realize that calling and asking her that would make me look really needy which would completely kill any possible attraction she have left for me. But I really think she owes me some more clarity when breaking up a 2-year relationship. Why can't girls do that???

Edited September 16, 2015 by greenleaves54

[greenleaves54]

Maybe I can answer myself.

 

She did love me a couple of weeks ago. A small part of her probably still does. But the love she had for me is getting overshadowed by other things: living a free life, trying on new romances.

 

All I need to know is that it's over anyway, right? Calling her asking "Buut whyy? I don't understand!" will do no good at all. It's unlikely that I will get any more closure from that.

 

To me it feels like a train drove me over, and I just crawled up wondering what the hell happened. But obviously, she had thought this over for a longer time. I got fooled thinking everything was fine when she got emotional and caring that evening. I thought we solved it. Then I took a sledgehammer in my head from behind.

 

I need to accept this. If she wants to come back at some time, I will have a long talk with her how I don't think she was being very clear or honest to me. How she sent that train after me at full speed.

 

I still feel I need closure though. The breakup was so sudden and unclear. At the same time... I realize she has no more answers to give me. I guess I have to choose the least bad solution here: staying with my confused thoughts, trying to make some sense of them and move on. Gosh, at least I get to know myself, my brain and human relations after this. I'll be some kind of guru when this is done, that's for sure.

Edited September 16, 2015 by greenleaves54

[runredlights]

She'll be banging someone anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months from when she dumped you. I doubt she'll be back, especially since you are far away, unless she gets burned a few times. She's a hot commodity right now.

 

Ouch dude. You could be right though. My ex banged somebody two weeks after she broke up with me. You could be right. We need to get this guy to start thinking about banging some other women and forget his ex!

[thunder777]

very weird man all over u one day then shut u off the next

 

she sounds like a idiot possibly found greener grass and dived in without a care in world. u hav to laugh about it, men raise womens worlds to awesome heights and then once on their high horse they dump uaway and ride into the sunset

 

dont be sad be angry, we are men not wussys, she is just a page in your life not the whole book, tear that page out

[Blanco]

I think sometimes the dumper acts that way right before the breakup because they genuinely WANT to feel that way, but just don't anymore.

 

I don't necessarily think everyone has a "one that got away" story, but if I had to choose one from my experience, it was very similar to what the OP is describing. She had sent a message a few days before she tried to break up with me for the first time where she talked about being so excited to be with me again (she had spent a couple months in another state interning) and was looking forward to doing all of the fall activities that snarky people like us pretend we don't like, but deep down, totally do.

 

It's totally confusing in the moment, but just trust that most times, the dumper isn't doing this to intentionally hurt you. They're often confused, too.

[Blanco]

very weird man all over u one day then shut u off the next

 

she sounds like a idiot possibly found greener grass and dived in without a care in world. u hav to laugh about it, men raise womens worlds to awesome heights and then once on their high horse they dump uaway and ride into the sunset

 

dont be sad be angry, we are men not wussys, she is just a page in your life not the whole book, tear that page out

 

I don't know if this is a fair statement. She's 20. I know I didn't really know what I wanted out of life and relationships at that age, even if I thought I did. Heck, sometimes at 30, I still don't know if I know for sure.

 

I think this has way more to do with this girl having been in a relationship her entire (very young) adult life and probably not feeling like she should be digging in her heels and settling down.

 

I don't even know if it's fair to say that the grass won't be greener. At that age, I think you still should expose yourself to the possibility of meeting new people, being in different relationships, and discovering what it is you really want. I'm not advocating hopping from one relationship to another to another. But this girl is TWENTY. I think she's entitled to be curious and uncertain at the same time. I have been where the OP is. It's awful. You feel powerless. And with regards to the relationship, you are.

 

But, dude, you're 25. Still young enough to entangle with the college-aged crowd and see what else is out there yourself. That's little consolation right now, but do what you can to heal sooner than later from this. Go NC, accept you'll get no closure and no answers that will satisfy you at this point. Cut her out, and try to move on.

 

Take it from someone who's now at an odd age where he feels just a bit too old for most college girls, while at the same time, many girls his age are tied up, be it LTR, engaged, or married: You don't want to waste prime years lamenting over one girl who probably wasn't The One or even One of The Ones.

[greenleaves54]

I don't know if this is a fair statement. She's 20. I know I didn't really know what I wanted out of life and relationships at that age, even if I thought I did. Heck, sometimes at 30, I still don't know if I know for sure.

 

I think this has way more to do with this girl having been in a relationship her entire (very young) adult life and probably not feeling like she should be digging in her heels and settling down.

 

I don't even know if it's fair to say that the grass won't be greener. At that age, I think you still should expose yourself to the possibility of meeting new people, being in different relationships, and discovering what it is you really want. I'm not advocating hopping from one relationship to another to another. But this girl is TWENTY. I think she's entitled to be curious and uncertain at the same time. I have been where the OP is. It's awful. You feel powerless. And with regards to the relationship, you are.

 

But, dude, you're 25. Still young enough to entangle with the college-aged crowd and see what else is out there yourself. That's little consolation right now, but do what you can to heal sooner than later from this. Go NC, accept you'll get no closure and no answers that will satisfy you at this point. Cut her out, and try to move on.

 

Take it from someone who's now at an odd age where he feels just a bit too old for most college girls, while at the same time, many girls his age are tied up, be it LTR, engaged, or married: You don't want to waste prime years lamenting over one girl who probably wasn't The One or even One of The Ones.

 

Thanks for the replies. It feels better today. I was probably in denial a few days ago which caused a reaction yesterday. The challenge is staying NC when you're having bad days I guess.

 

You described it very well Blanco. She met me just a few days after she moved out from her parent's house. She's only 20 (although turning 21 in a few months) and indeed entitled to feel both curious and uncertain. I should've known this would happen one day.

 

She didn't say that her feelings were 100% gone because they aren't. She told me she wanted to be with me but couldn't take the risk of never exploring the "living free"-feeling that she had. She had to "take the risk of leaving me to experience life on her own". "If it's meant to be us it will be".

 

She is confused. She's young and therefore curious and uncertain as you said. That's all the closure I need when I think about it. There are no more answers to get. The hard part is telling yourself that this is not some kind of break, but that it's really over and that I need to forget about her. But maybe I will realize that after some time. The breakup is still very fresh.

 

By the way I know she's not banging anyone until she's married. Whether that fact helps or prolongs my healing process I don't know though.

 

I must remember that contacting her isn't going to help me in any way. That's what I'm telling myself when I feel weak.

 

Thanks for the support guys. I really appreciate it.

Edited September 17, 2015 by greenleaves54

[Christos]

By the way I know she's not banging anyone until she's married. Whether that fact helps or prolongs my healing process I don't know though.

 

LOL.

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Seriously, stop believing that nonsense. Ok?

[runredlights]

She didn't break up with you to be forever alone and to be celibate... I mean aren't you curious what it'd be like to have sex with someone else.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Actions speak louder than words & people lie all the time, even your SO. You think you know her, but you only know what she has showed you about herself. If she follows the pattern of most young women, she's going to have many partners & probably won't remember you too well 20 years from now.

 

 

Your problem is that your mind is keeping you in a false reality to protect your ego. If you want to move on ASAP, you have to take control & force yourself to move on. Your relationship is in the past. Trying to live in the past doesn't usually work out too well. Odds are that you'll never hear from or see her again. That's life. The best way to ease your pain is find someone else you're attracted to & try to share your life with them, not an unhealthy memory.