WTH is "true love" and "the one"??? They're driving me nuts!

[whitewhale]

If I don't post it on "coping" forum it's because I want some answers from happier ppl too... I'm myself a little brokenhearted, today on the up, yesterday down. Don't know how's tomorrow's gonna be like?

 

Now to the point. The idea of "the one" starts driving me nuts. They dump you because you're "perfect", but you're not the one. All I hear is "I don't love you any more. I did, I think, but now I don't. there's something that's missing, and maybe it's nobody's fault, but I don't get that in a relationship I'm in"...

 

To all those who have been passionately in love more than once - didn't you think at the time that your exes were the ones??

I was a few times in love, sometimes just fascinated, sometimes it overpowered me. Out of all these times, three times I was convinced it was IT. For ever. Once I was in love for 8 years with a friend, who reciprocated my feelings too late... During the whole 8 years, wasn't I thinking he's my only future, the best of friends etc?

 

Then the overpowering one - I was willing to die for the idea of "the one" - I was so sure that I can't live without him. What a mistake! Now, with my most recent ex, I was sure again. I wanted to get married to him sometime in the future. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him.

 

How many the ones can be??? isn't the one the one and only?? All the loving broken-hearted would agree that at some point they thought - here's the one. And now, it turns out not to be. We wake up after a few months (or much more) of being terribly down to see that there's someone better for us out there.

 

Then how are you supposed to know? Someone said it's instincts. Well, nice, but instinct is more about hormones and pheromones, isn't it?

Isn't that when you're so intoxicated when in love by all these brain chemicals that you're tricked to believe it's "the one", "true love" etc?

But if so - why so many feelings just die?? Because most of the time it's just fascination and being in love and not love and we rarely know the difference??

 

Or maybe, as so many psychologists say, or so I read, love is hard work. And maybe it requires some skill, that some people don't have developed... I don't know. But how do you explain that you are ready for a life-time relationship when someone isn't? You're ready for work. You know they're not perfect. Nobody is f***** perfect.

 

Love is like ghosts. everybody talks about it but no one has ever seen it. Like Rochefoucault said. He's partly correct, cause I at least know two couples that are long-term happy. But it's because they don't confuse fascination, and feeling sick when the other's absent, with love. They work to make it work. They compromise sometimes. And they are friends. But such people can make it work with someone else too, don't you think?

 

Maybe I just got pessimistic after having been dupmed by a juvenile emotional delinquent who confused erotic fascination with love, told me he loved me forever to later withdraw everything he said and tell me he probably never loved me.

 

I may be in for some more break-ups, irrespective of who'll be the dumper next. But I refuse to believe that "the one" exists. There are more possibilites. Something always may be missing. Each time something else. That's a question of priorities.

 

I don't want someone who thinks that "being in love" is the same as "love" or "true love" because being in love is always just a phase. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. If someones says on break-up - "I love you but I'm not in love with you" it's not only confusing. it's a lie. Becaue it's being in love that passes. Love shouldn't. And when somebody loves you and leaves you it's to be in love again. Not to love. So how can it be about "the one" and the "true love"?? So wth is that all about??

 

And if I am mistaken, please convince me. I would very much like to be wrong...

[westernxer]

Being "the one" and "true love" is all talk. It means nothing.

 

Take an English class if you want semantics. Love is action, not words. Choose wisely next time, not some juvenile delinquent with erotic deficiencies.

 

And stop focusing on all those romantic ideologues. Be smart, be real, and be confident.

 

"To thine own self be true."

 

You're not a casualty a love; you're simply human like the rest of us. Life will kick your ass if you let it. So don't let it.

 

Live and learn... we all do.

[whitewhale]

Originally posted by westernxer

Take an English class if you want semantics.

 

I can't take an English class. I teach it

Well, I do believe that "the one" is just talk. But the dumpers like to say that, don't they. I hate that! I try to understand it, but I just can't. When they say something is missing - like, so that I don't base all on my experience, some ppl even on the forums here - she/he just wasn't the one.. It just gets me down so.

 

I hate not being able to come up with a real good answer.

 

Love is action, not words. Choose wisely next time, not some juvenile delinquent with erotic deficiencies.

 

Perhaps the word "choose" is important. I knew from the start there might be problems with him of the sort, but I refused to believe they couldn't be worked out. He seemed soooo in love! And when I though yet then he is "the one" which I stopped believeing in, how could I let my reason interfere?

 

And stop focusing on all those romantic ideologues. Be smart, be real, and be confident.

 

I don't focus on them anymore - my problem is - he did. Or maybe you mean the fact that I now sit now here and ruminate over it. That I keep analyzing. Then you're probably right...

[westernxer]

It's easy to fall into those romantic traps in which everything is flowery and idyllic 24/7. The key is to balance it out and not look at your situation out of context.

 

If you see a red flag early on, take warning. Those flags are there for a reason... and there's nothing you can do to change him. We change when we want to change. We all know people who've changed because they loved someone, but most people just settle and hope the other improves. Usually they don't.

 

People resort to "the one" excuse just to make themselves feel better. If it promotes healing, then more power to them. I've always been a realist when it comes to dating and such... if you tell me, show me. If you tell me and don't show me, you don't need me. And that's fine too... I'd rather not waste anymore time than necessary, because I'm much more comfortable being myself, by myself.

 

Let him talk poetics and all those wonderful aphorisms of love and spring flowers. By the time he's through you'll have moved on to bigger and better things.

 

I like to compare love to a jungle... once you learn the rules, your chances for survival are much greater.

 

An English teacher, eh? How funny.

[whitewhale]

Originally posted by westernxer

It's easy to fall into those romantic traps in which everything is flowery and idyllic 24/7. The key is to balance it out and not look at your situation out of context.

 

If you see a red flag early on, take warning. Those flags are there for a reason... and there's nothing you can do to change him. We change when we want to change. We all know people who've changed because they loved someone, but most people just settle and hope the other improves. Usually they don't.

 

I like to compare love to a jungle... once you learn the rules, your chances for survival are much greater.

 

An English teacher, eh? How funny.

 

I'm sure gonna be more realistic from now on. I had enough reasons to dump him the very third day of dating... I can't believe that I was so damn stupid.

 

Well, like you said, we live and learn..

 

Love and a jungle.. Makes me think of natural selection..

 

An English teacher indeed. Funny it is :)

[westernxer]

Originally posted by whitewhale

Love and a jungle.. Makes me think of natural selection..

 

Definitely has a biological imperative to it, but considering that we are animals to a certain degree, I think it makes perfect sense. All the culture in the world won't make a difference, and that's what makes me smile.

 

I'm part savage by the way.

[HokeyReligions]

How many the ones can be??? isn't the one the one and only??

 

I think your confusion is here. People can fall in and out of love multiple times. If my husband and I split up I don't think I would ever love again, but I know that it would be possible for me to do so. I could meet another "one" that is right for me at that stage of my life.

 

 

I didn't go into my marriage thinking that it would someday end - I married for life. But that doesn't mean I don't accept the possibility that I COULD love again. We give our love to different people in different ways and sometimes when that love fades we question if we ever loved the person to begin with.

 

Love and commitment are two different things. Commitment needs to be discussed and agreed upon. Love occurs and is not forced. It is accepted or not.

 

Passion changes too and when love and passion are intertwined they become confused. Some people need passion to fuel their love and without it they lose interest and allow love to fade, or admit that they never really loved in the first place. And sometimes people realize that they do love even when passion is gone. Passion left my marriage years ago, but the love is strong and the commitment is there and that was something we had to realize in ourselves and in each other and make a commitment to LOVE not passion. And it does take a lot of work--on self, not other.

[RecordProducer]

True love withstands with the temptation of time. Two people are friends, honest and faithful to each other, and most of all respect one another. They share similar interests and are on the same mental, emotional, and intellectual level.

You're not correct that one good person could make it with just anyone. But you're correct that it takes certain qualities on both sides for a relationship to succeed. Basing marriage on infatuation without a solid foundation is wrong. Even things like "she drinks and likes to go out, and he doesn't" can ruin a good relationship.

It's not the communication that saves the relationship; if we have a lot in common with someone the communication comes naturally. You can't communicate with those who don't speak your language.

Yes, we can think we found the one and make a huge mistake, but it's only because we don't know what we're getting, not because love sucks.

La Rochefoucauld is one of my favorite philosophers, but love is a ghost that we can see. What about the love we share with our children or parents or siblings?

[whitewhale]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

What about the love we share with our children or parents or siblings?

 

I thought about that too. But I guess that's different. On a number of levels. First of all, blood relationship doesn't always imply love, and I'm sure of it, even I love my closest relatives, most others (aunts, uncles, some cousins) I just like, more or less, depends. In case of those we love, like parents, when we do, which is most of the cases, it's more like friendship, with a good mixture of capability of sacrifice for them and lots of attachment. If you grow up with someone you get used to them like to a part of yourself, and I think that's how we love them. But this is just my opinion, it's not a fact statement And for children? Well that's some instinctive love, as strong I think as an instinct for survival, because we are so made as to preserve the species... somehow makes me think of Westernxer's idea of love-jungle again.

 

My point is also, that much as you have two parents (in majoroty of cases ) and various number of siblings and children, your partner is supposed to be just one. One at a time I mean. And romantically - one for ever, which is exactly what I questioned when I started the thread.

 

You are right about the equality of various levels. I disregarded that and that's why I got burned so much. Though a part of me must have known it'll just bring pain in the end, I loved, believed I was loved in return and considered it "true love" which by definition wins everything.

 

Now that was just moonshine...

 

I'm gonna be much more realistic from now on.