Can't stop thinking it was all my fault - it's driving me nuts.

[realmly]

2 months NC, and it seems to be getting worse. I feel like apart from grieving from the loss of this relationship, what has been tearing me apart is how this break-up has left me with a very negative perception of myself.

 

 

I can't stop feeling like EVERYTHING is my fault. I've exhausted my friends, family and therapist by re-analyzing the relationship over and over to determine whether it was all my fault or not. Most people keep telling me it's not my fault, but it just won't settle with me.

 

 

All that resonates in my head is how he told me it was all my fault. I feel like until he doesn't come back and talk to me, and we discuss how we BOTH messed up, I won't ever find peace. I know he won't ever do that, because he strongly feels everything was my fault, but I don't think I'll ever be okay like this. All day I re-analyze the situation. All night, I dream about me crying/begging him to figure out what I had done so wrong.

 

 

I don't know why I'm so hell bent over with the self-blame. It's driving me nuts...I keep looking for validation from others on why things ended the way they did. Ugh. When people tell me it wasn't me who was the problem, I can't seem to believe it. And when people tell me, I was the problem - I believe it, but it spirals me into overthinking and obsessing over it even more.

[d0nnivain]

Relationships rarely end as the sole fault of one person. It takes two.

 

If you are in therapy work with that person to reset your thinking on this subject.

[EO422]

Like donnoivan said..it takes two..IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT...heck it could also honestly be not your fault at all...

 

Understand, when someone is mad and upset and confused, like your BF was ...we lash out and say things we do not mean. We have irrational thoughts and speak on our emotions. Everyone does it from time to time. He really did not mean it, trust me. He is not going to tell you that. But it is not all your fault, unless you lied and cheated and everything on him..then no it is not all your fault.

[realmly]

Relationships rarely end as the sole fault of one person. It takes two.

 

If you are in therapy work with that person to reset your thinking on this subject.

 

Yes, I've been in therapy for a little over 2 months now. As I had been depressed even before the relationship ended. But I'm not seeing any change in my thinking whatsoever. After the session ends, I feel a little relieved knowing that I wasn't crazy. But a day later, I am back to obsessing.

[realmly]

Like donnoivan said..it takes two..IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT...heck it could also honestly be not your fault at all...

 

Understand, when someone is mad and upset and confused, like your BF was ...we lash out and say things we do not mean. We have irrational thoughts and speak on our emotions. Everyone does it from time to time. He really did not mean it, trust me. He is not going to tell you that. But it is not all your fault, unless you lied and cheated and everything on him..then no it is not all your fault.

 

I don't know. I have a hard time believing he didn't mean it, as he said this often even throughout the relationship...and told me numerous times that I wasn't the one capable of handling relationships, he was the mature one, I was the worst person he ever met etc. I understand it was anger... but there were one too many times that this had happened, to the point that I seriously doubt my own perception of myself now. Even my memory has faded blurred a bit.

[d0nnivain]

2 months of therapy is a good start. It takes time. You didn't get in this condition over night & you won't heal overnight either.

 

One day at a time.

[EO422]

I don't know. I have a hard time believing he didn't mean it, as he said this often even throughout the relationship...and told me numerous times that I wasn't the one capable of handling relationships, he was the mature one, I was the worst person he ever met etc. I understand it was anger... but there were one too many times that this had happened, to the point that I seriously doubt my own perception of myself now. Even my memory has faded blurred a bit.

 

I honestly do not think it is all your fault! Stop beating yourself up! It's not anyone's fault totally. Just relax. It is NOT all your fault!

[redrock1]

I'm sorry you're feeling bogged down by these questions about what went wrong in your relationship. And, unfortunately, sometimes it's difficult to get that closure you're seeking. But I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. I think in the long run that can make a huge difference. Also, along those lines, just give yourself some time. Healing doesn't happen overnight, but I think you will eventually be able to let this go and move on. That will certainly be my prayer for you, anyways!

[d0nnivain]

I don't know. I have a hard time believing he didn't mean it, as he said this often even throughout the relationship...and told me numerous times that I wasn't the one capable of handling relationships, he was the mature one, I was the worst person he ever met etc. I understand it was anger... but there were one too many times that this had happened, to the point that I seriously doubt my own perception of myself now. Even my memory has faded blurred a bit.

 

Honey -- him telling you that is the reason you broke up! Nobody says crap like that to someone they genuinely love.

 

Even if you were doing things not so perfectly, if he genuinely cared, he'd help you improve not kick you when you are down.

 

You getting away from somebody like that is probably one of the best safest things you ever did for yourself.

[realmly]

I'm sorry you're feeling bogged down by these questions about what went wrong in your relationship. And, unfortunately, sometimes it's difficult to get that closure you're seeking. But I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. I think in the long run that can make a huge difference. Also, along those lines, just give yourself some time. Healing doesn't happen overnight, but I think you will eventually be able to let this go and move on. That will certainly be my prayer for you, anyways!

 

Yes there wasn't much closure. Actually, the relationship ended with me constantly asking what had gone wrong, and he made it quite clear "if I was looking for closure, he would never give it to me." He was just a very cruel person when he was angry, and I couldn't quite handle it. The things he said to me during that last conversation were unforgettable and from there on, I knew things would never be the same. It still hurts though... That things could have ended more respectfully and mutually.. but I seemed more like an enemy than I did a former lover.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words... I hope I see progress soon.

 

 

xoxo

[realmly]

Honey -- him telling you that is the reason you broke up! Nobody says crap like that to someone they genuinely love.

 

Even if you were doing things not so perfectly, if he genuinely cared, he'd help you improve not kick you when you are down.

 

You getting away from somebody like that is probably one of the best safest things you ever did for yourself.

 

Yes, you are correct. I couldn't be with him anymore, because I couldn't take the cruelty that manifested from his harsh tongue when he was mad. And I was already suffering from depression, and it was the last thing I needed. I agree, I wasn't doing a lot of things perfectly. But he could have gotten the same message across to me differently, and perhaps our circumstances would have been different today.

[EO422]

Yes there wasn't much closure. Actually, the relationship ended with me constantly asking what had gone wrong, and he made it quite clear "if I was looking for closure, he would never give it to me." He was just a very cruel person when he was angry, and I couldn't quite handle it. The things he said to me during that last conversation were unforgettable and from there on, I knew things would never be the same. It still hurts though... That things could have ended more respectfully and mutually.. but I seemed more like an enemy than I did a former lover.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words... I hope I see progress soon.

 

 

xoxo

 

 

Good thing he is gone. He was very toxic!! I can just tell, I would never say such a thing to a person..there is no way he was genuinely loving and caring about you.

 

Don't feel bad about your situation! I didn't get closure either, most people dont! All that I got was a big creaking blank scree! My ex didn't even reply to anything I had to say or questioned..GHOSTED!

[aboucher21]

Breakups suck dont they? I overthink everything all the time. What if I did this, what if I said that instead. I ended the relationship 5 months ago and I still think back to things I wish I would have done differently.

[mightycpa]

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that IT WAS all your fault. You totally ****ed it up, like no one has ever ****ed it up before. Fine.

 

Write down all the things you did wrong.... every damn one of them that you can remember. You should be able to categorize these actions into a few themes, and then once you've done that, you should be able to trace your completely inept dating style down to one or two root causes that are currently embedded in your personality. For the sake of this exercise, let's say you can attribute all your ****ty behavior to fear.

 

"The worst person ever" doesn't count. Neither does "can't handle a relationship." I don't even know what that **** means. Thus, it is meaningless. Get specific. Really specific.

 

Next, write down what you should have done instead. Instead of all those things that you did to **** it up, what should you have done? Again, you can categorize those, and hopefully, you'll find that the root cause of your "should be" behavior is, in my example, bravery.

 

Lessons learned for next time:

 

1) Be aware and cognizant of your behaviors

2) Recognize when you act out of fear

3) Immediately change your actions to bravery.

 

Or maybe it is jealousy/trust, or selfishness/selflessness, or carelessness/carefulness or whatever. The bottom line is that you need to learn from your past. Do that, and you'll find that at least three things will happen:

 

1) You will no longer believe it was totally your fault

2) You'll have better relationships in the future

3) This stuff won't hurt nearly as much

[realmly]

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that IT WAS all your fault. You totally ****ed it up, like no one has ever ****ed it up before. Fine.

 

Write down all the things you did wrong.... every damn one of them that you can remember. You should be able to categorize these actions into a few themes, and then once you've done that, you should be able to trace your completely inept dating style down to one or two root causes that are currently embedded in your personality. For the sake of this exercise, let's say you can attribute all your ****ty behavior to fear.

 

"The worst person ever" doesn't count. Neither does "can't handle a relationship." I don't even know what that **** means. Thus, it is meaningless. Get specific. Really specific.

 

Next, write down what you should have done instead. Instead of all those things that you did to **** it up, what should you have done? Again, you can categorize those, and hopefully, you'll find that the root cause of your "should be" behavior is, in my example, bravery.

 

Lessons learned for next time:

 

1) Be aware and cognizant of your behaviors

2) Recognize when you act out of fear

3) Immediately change your actions to bravery.

 

Or maybe it is jealousy/trust, or selfishness/selflessness, or carelessness/carefulness or whatever. The bottom line is that you need to learn from your past. Do that, and you'll find that at least three things will happen:

 

1) You will no longer believe it was totally your fault

2) You'll have better relationships in the future

3) This stuff won't hurt nearly as much

 

 

 

Wow! This is so great and insightful! I truly appreciate this post. Thank you so much.

 

 

I am going to put this exercise into practice right away, and see how it helps.

 

 

Thank youuuuuuuuuu!

[redrock1]

Yes there wasn't much closure. Actually, the relationship ended with me constantly asking what had gone wrong, and he made it quite clear "if I was looking for closure, he would never give it to me." He was just a very cruel person when he was angry, and I couldn't quite handle it. The things he said to me during that last conversation were unforgettable and from there on, I knew things would never be the same. It still hurts though... That things could have ended more respectfully and mutually.. but I seemed more like an enemy than I did a former lover.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words... I hope I see progress soon.

 

 

xoxo

 

You're welcome, friend. This sounds like a rough break-up and that certainly makes getting over someone tougher. But I'm glad you felt free to share with us, and got some advice that seemed helpful to you. I'll keep praying for you!