Old Crush Moving Too Fast?

[Gus Grimly]

So out of the blue this girl I had a major crush on 8 years ago reaches out to me on Facebook a few weeks ago. I never made a move on her back then because she always had a boyfriend(s). We went out on our first date last Wednesday, it was amazing, she was so awesome. After dinner, we went bowling and before we left I pulled her close and kissed her. We went for drinks at a chill bar and talked. She invited me back to her place and we almost ended up having sex. We saw each other every night after that. I'll also mention she he has a little 3-year-old girl from a one night stand. Also, things she's been saying to me leads me to believe that she's head over heels for me.

 

On Sat, we had sex and it was very passionate and pretty amazing. Last night, only 4 days after we've started seeing each other, she brought up the prospect of marriage and having another child (with me). My reaction, of course, wasn't what she wanted to hear. I said that it was kinda soon to be discussing marriage. She then quickly tried to blow it off as a joke. She apologized a few times and tried to downplay the marriage thing. The rest of the night was awkward and quite, I asked if she wanted to talk about it, but I could see by her distant demeanor it was better to just to leave, so I did.

 

So, should I end it with this woman? She's obviously looking for a baby daddy and a husband. I'm not ready to get back into another LTR with kids, that is unless I fall in love with her, that takes time though. I just got out of a LTR where I was an insta-dad to 3 kids. I'm happy being single and dating for now. I feel so bad for her, she has no one in her life. She has no close friends, doesn't get out much and has a very attention demanding daughter. Her whole life is that kid and it seems a tad unhealthy.

 

What should I do? My gut is telling me that I need to nip this in the bud and end it with her. I'm open to marriage down the road, but only if it feels right. It seems premature to bring up marriage so soon (not even been a week since we started going out). This is a red flag, correct? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.

[Popsicle]

It is premature but that is also where she is in life and what she wants so yeah you should be honest and dump her NOW not later after you've gotten your fill with her.

[Jules Dash]

She is obviously going through something. Some sort of life crisis? On the rebound? She had to have been having a tough time dealing with whatever she is dealing with to have reached out after no contact for such a while over Facebook. It seems she ran to someone who she felt very comfortable around and familiar, someone who she probably knew was into her and could potentially fill a void for the moment.

 

 

Whatever it is, what she feels right now will burn out eventually once she is over it. Once this happen, she will move on. You two are moving a two different speeds and she is trying to move way too quick. You are on different wavelengths and it won't work out in the long run.

 

You can try to enjoy the moment of finally getting to be with one of your past crushes but this will run the risk of it ending potentially in a bad way and feelings being hurt. This may sting because you knew you could have avoided it. To be fair, any relationship runs this risk but I think you run a much higher risk of being hurt because you are probably coming with less baggage and more pure feelings. Personally, I would back off but not run off.

[joseb]

I would end it gus. Not worth the hasle.

Big red flag.

 

Also, be careful she does not try to trap you with an "oops" pregancy.

 

Next time dont see someone new every night. Give it some time and space.

[Oregon_Dude]

Nice, Gus!

 

Well, you probably shouldn't have f*cked her so soon. I mean, I can understand why; we're only men, after all. But yeah, I would explain to her that this is all moving too fast for you and that you are not ready for that kind of responsibility. You are not her appendage. Be up front, watch her freak out on you. Then kindly bow out of the picture.

 

Dude, you're moving cross-country in a month. This is not the time to begin a r/s at home.

[Gus Grimly]

It seems she ran to someone who she felt very comfortable around and familiar, someone who she probably knew was into her and could potentially fill a void for the moment.

I think that's how it started, but after she got to know me she kept saying things like "Are you always this nice?" or "I can't believe how sweet you are!". Then it turned into "This is so much better than I ever imagined" and "I love 'this' about you" or "I love how you are so 'this' ... '".

 

To be fair, any relationship runs this risk but I think you run a much higher risk of being hurt because you are probably coming with less baggage and more pure feelings.

Indeed. My feelings are pure and now I see that she's infatuated with me and desperate for someone. I don't want to be a part of that. She laid all her cards on the table within 4 days. Even though I have feelings for her and think she's awesome, I can't run the risk.

 

I would end it gus. Not worth the hasle.

Big red flag.

Next time dont see someone new every night. Give it some time and space.

 

Yes, it's a big one alright. I messed up by allowing it to move so fast, Got in over my head. It was just so nice to be with someone who treated me with such admiration after being with such a horrible person the last 4 + years.

 

Nice, Gus!

 

Well, you probably shouldn't have f*cked her so soon. I mean, I can understand why; we're only men, after all .

lol, It's true, but she hasn't been intimate with someone for 3 years. She needed it, we both did. Unfortunately, it's most likely the reason she let all her feelings run wild. Sex equates to love maybe?

 

Dude, you're moving cross-country in a month. This is not the time to begin a r/s at home.

It's true, but having the woman I had a major crush on for years come to me with open arms was so hard to resist. I went in with the best intentions of just having a nice, innocent time, but I gave in to temptation. *sigh*

 

It feels like one of those life tests. My poisonous relationship ends, I make plans to move and start a new life, then 'she' comes back into my life on the eve of the move. The first date was so amazing I started to consider "what ifs". Thanks for all your advice gentlemen, I don't usually act in such a manner. I like to take things slow. I just got blindsided and lost my focus for a second. Oh well.

 

Not sure if I should call and tell her it's not gonna work, or just go NC. I really don't owe her anything, she's gonna be upset either way. I'll think about it.

[sportygirl89]

At least tell her and be a gentleman that its over. Don't be a jerk. That's just low. Running after you've had sex and no communication after. If she bothers you after just block her number and contacts.

[Jules Dash]

I think that's how it started, but after she got to know me she kept saying things like "Are you always this nice?" or "I can't believe how sweet you are!". Then it turned into "This is so much better than I ever imagined" and "I love 'this' about you" or "I love how you are so 'this' ... '"

 

 

Damn, Gus. I don't want to deflate any fuzzy feelings here, man, but that sort of "you're so amazing" talk that you describe is usually comes from a woman who experiences a breath of fresh air from one guy after recently having her heart broken by another guy. These women are usually rebound. There has to be another guy in the immediate background somewhere.

[Gus Grimly]

At least tell her and be a gentleman that its over. Don't be a jerk.

I just spoke with her on the phone. It's over, I'm not bummed out or anything. I feel bad for her. :[

 

I got the "have a nice life" send off.

 

Damn, Gus. I don't want to deflate any fuzzy feelings here, man, but that sort of "you're so amazing" talk that you describe is usually comes from a woman who experiences a breath of fresh air from one guy after recently having her heart broken by another guy. These women are usually rebound. There has to be another guy in the immediate background somewhere.

Whoa, I never thought of it in that regard, just figured she was very receptive to who I am. You gotta be right, it makes way too much sense. She did mention how the baby daddy was a dead beat drug user who abused her mentally and physically. That was 3 years ago though. Still, the way she was acting felt reboundish to me. Jules, you've got some great insight. Thanks for this food for thought!!!

[Popsicle]

Although I do feel that a ready-made family is too much for you right now, admittedly, it is kind of confusing... a girl is nice and loving to a guy and suddenly she's a demon.

 

I know you're a nice guy but I feel so sorry for her.

[Gus Grimly]

Although I do feel that a ready-made family is too much for you right now, admittedly, it is kind of confusing... a girl is nice and loving to a guy and suddenly she's a demon.

 

I know you're a nice guy but I feel so sorry for her.

 

I feel horrible for her. I'm not opposed to the kid thing, it's more so the speed at which this relationship was going. She's not a demon, I do have strong feelings for her. Were did you get that from? She's just not being realistic. I never lead her on, she took my kind behavior the wrong way. You think bringing up marriage and having a child with me only after 4 days is reasonable?

 

I'm not ready to settle down. I need a breather from my last LTR with 3 kids. I just wanted to casually date this girl, not commit to her. She feels a sense of urgency to find someone who she can make a life with. That's perfectly fine, but I'm not a mail order husband either. I want to be with someone for a few months before any baby/marriage talk gets brought up. Am I wrong for thinking this?

[Jules Dash]

I feel horrible for her. I'm not opposed to the kid thing, it's more so the speed at which this relationship was going. She's not a demon, I do have strong feelings for her. Were did you get that from? She's just not being realistic. I never lead her on, she took my kind behavior the wrong way. You think bringing up marriage and having a child with me only after 4 days is reasonable?

 

I'm not ready to settle down. I need a breather from my last LTR with 3 kids. I just wanted to casually date this girl, not commit to her. She feels a sense of urgency to find someone who she can make a life with. That's perfectly fine, but I'm not a mail order husband either. I want to be with someone for a few months before any baby/marriage talk gets brought up. Am I wrong for thinking this?

 

 

I don't think you were wrong at all. She seemed nice but she was moving way too fast. You two wanted different things.

[Popsicle]

I feel horrible for her. I'm not opposed to the kid thing, it's more so the speed at which this relationship was going. She's not a demon, I do have strong feelings for her. Were did you get that from? She's just not being realistic. I never lead her on, she took my kind behavior the wrong way. You think bringing up marriage and having a child with me only after 4 days is reasonable?

 

I'm not ready to settle down. I need a breather from my last LTR with 3 kids. I just wanted to casually date this girl, not commit to her. She feels a sense of urgency to find someone who she can make a life with. That's perfectly fine, but I'm not a mail order husband either. I want to be with someone for a few months before any baby/marriage talk gets brought up. Am I wrong for thinking this?

 

No, you're not wrong.

[Jj66]

Very scary.

 

Getting married and having your kid after just 4 days together is completely over the top.

 

I've been with a number of women who push for things way too fast. A woman I've only been with for a couple of weeks told me this weekend that she doesn't use the L word lightly but she wanted me to know that she "adores" me. That was very awkward because I don't even feel close to the same way. I like her but I'm just getting to know her, meanwhile she is completely smitten. I want to run away now. I'm a nice guy at heart so I know I would put immense pressure on myself to adore her back even if I have to manufacture it. It's happened before. The safest course is to flee, I'm sure. But I hate to punish her for liking me. Feelings are so hard.

[torturedartist]

So out of the blue this girl I had a major crush on 8 years ago reaches out to me on Facebook a few weeks ago. I never made a move on her back then because she always had a boyfriend(s). We went out on our first date last Wednesday, it was amazing, she was so awesome. After dinner, we went bowling and before we left I pulled her close and kissed her. We went for drinks at a chill bar and talked. She invited me back to her place and we almost ended up having sex. We saw each other every night after that. I'll also mention she he has a little 3-year-old girl from a one night stand. Also, things she's been saying to me leads me to believe that she's head over heels for me.

 

On Sat, we had sex and it was very passionate and pretty amazing. Last night, only 4 days after we've started seeing each other, she brought up the prospect of marriage and having another child (with me). My reaction, of course, wasn't what she wanted to hear. I said that it was kinda soon to be discussing marriage. She then quickly tried to blow it off as a joke. She apologized a few times and tried to downplay the marriage thing. The rest of the night was awkward and quite, I asked if she wanted to talk about it, but I could see by her distant demeanor it was better to just to leave, so I did.

 

So, should I end it with this woman? She's obviously looking for a baby daddy and a husband. I'm not ready to get back into another LTR with kids, that is unless I fall in love with her, that takes time though. I just got out of a LTR where I was an insta-dad to 3 kids. I'm happy being single and dating for now. I feel so bad for her, she has no one in her life. She has no close friends, doesn't get out much and has a very attention demanding daughter. Her whole life is that kid and it seems a tad unhealthy.

 

What should I do? My gut is telling me that I need to nip this in the bud and end it with her. I'm open to marriage down the road, but only if it feels right. It seems premature to bring up marriage so soon (not even been a week since we started going out). This is a red flag, correct? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.

 

I have a good friend who wound up in the same exact position. At the age of 32 he'd never had a girlfriend, though all the chicks thought he was hot. He played football in college, though he wasn't ever first string. But anyway, this one chick just totally sensed everything about him, and saw his weakness.

 

He'd been wanting to get a girlfriend, just to know what it's like. Then Stephanie came along. I'd been gone for two years, and I stopped by to visit him at the new house he'd recently bought. Stephanie made me feel extremely unwelcome, and I remember thinking, "what a bitch!" I was very respectful to her, and she was rude as Hell to me.

 

I later asked my friend about it, and he said, "Stephanie doesn't like to share me with other people."

 

I said, "That would be fine and well if we were all three-year-olds and you were a toy. But as it is we're all in our thirties, and you're a real boy."

 

But anyway, she eventually wound up talking him into getting her pregnant. Now they have a child together. A very happy baby, so I hear, whose mom will be sure to take that happiness away and replace it with this sort of naive neurosis.

 

Did I mention that my friend is loaded, as far as money goes? How are you doing in that department? Don't tell me. Just consider that.

 

You sound like a good guy and the kind a woman might want to keep around. What's the best way of keeping a man around? With a living copy of his genes, i.e. baby.

 

She wants to get her hooks into you for all time. And if she gets tired of you, you still get to pay child support for the next 18 years.

 

RUN BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gus Grimly]

"You are a wolf in sheep's clothing. I regret getting in touch with you. If I never see you again it will be too soon!" Ouch!

 

I received this text a few hours after we had our phone conversation. She also blocked me on Facebook. I deactivated my account shortly there after. Screw Facebook.

 

BTW, one thing she said during that phone call was that I implied marriage by specific things I shared with her. This is what I said to her that she's using as a catalyst; "I wish we could have hooked up years ago, I wasted so much time and energy on a 4-year toxic relationship. I would have rather put the effort into someone like you who's kind, grateful, honest and would have appreciated me.". I only said that to compliment her and let her know I was hurt in the past without getting into specifics. It was an innocent and affectionate feeling I was expressing to her during an intimate moment. Not a proposal for commitment. F***!

 

I never gave any indication I was looking for a committed relationship. I didn't mean anything by it, you know? It was wishful thinking small talk. Again, women using my good nature against me. WTF, seriously? I'm getting tired of this BS.

 

You sound like a good guy and the kind a woman might want to keep around. What's the best way of keeping a man around? With a living copy of his genes, i.e. baby.

Thanks! I try, but .... you know, being the super cool, nice, respectful gentleman isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm also not conceited about my looks. That's another issue. Maybe I need to up my standards. But anyway, the same thing keeps happening, women fall in love with me and do stupid sh*t afterwards. Don't even get me started. lol

 

Alright, enough of this monkey business. Thanks all for your loving support. I appreciate it. Again, you fail to disappoint.

[Jj66]

What you said does imply a relationship with her. It's a bit much for day 4 IMO. At least I would never talk like that to a new partner on day 4 and would be a stretch on week 4. It's more like month 4 material in my mind but I'm pretty reserved about declaring feelings for someone. If you weren't looking to commit I think you led her on and then she escalated it even further.

[Felicite]

I feel horrible for her. I'm not opposed to the kid thing, it's more so the speed at which this relationship was going. She's not a demon, I do have strong feelings for her. Were did you get that from? She's just not being realistic. I never lead her on, she took my kind behavior the wrong way. You think bringing up marriage and having a child with me only after 4 days is reasonable?

 

I'm not ready to settle down. I need a breather from my last LTR with 3 kids. I just wanted to casually date this girl, not commit to her. She feels a sense of urgency to find someone who she can make a life with. That's perfectly fine, but I'm not a mail order husband either. I want to be with someone for a few months before any baby/marriage talk gets brought up. Am I wrong for thinking this?

 

You were not wrong for telling her to end it.

 

Telling someone you are thinking of him after 4 dates, as the potential husband and father of your child+ your future children, is completely irrational.

I mean if I had a child, I would want to know the guy for a minimum period of time and be completely sure he could be good for my child. How desperate can you be to be offering your child to someone whom you’ve been seeing for 4 days?

I’m also going to go for the desperate rebound scenario. Maybe she was dumped by someone else. Desperate acts like this always have a trigger, and are usually done as a reaction to something, a midlife crisis or to get her ego boosted.

I’m sorry for her, but you can’t just throw reason out of the window. If you were clear with her, you 've done your part, now she will have to assess what's going on with her and hopefully understand why she won't get anywhere by acting like this.

[Gus Grimly]

I mean if I had a child, I would want to know the guy for a minimum period of time and be completely sure he could be good for my child. How desperate can you be to be offering your child to someone whom you’ve been seeing for 4 days?

Thank you. That's how I see it. Since I was in a LTR with kids before, I kinda have a feel now for what that would entail. It's important to for her to be 100% positive I'm not a wacko. It was tough to swallow at first. Thankfully, your post does help me. So, I'm grateful for your insight and thoughts on the matter.

 

What you said does imply a relationship with her. It's a bit much for day 4 IMO.

Yes, but I'm pretty transparent with my feelings. I hate the whole 'mind reading' game. Sometimes you have to be true with yourself and with the person you have feelings for. It gets me into trouble but also gets me past all the garbage which leads to years of wasted time. hehe

[Jj66]

When I date a mother with young children I tell her I'm not interested in meeting her children for several months and I make sure I don't. It's not fair to the child. I think that's good policy in general and can help avoid situations where she's looking for a new father for her kids.

[Gus Grimly]

When I date a mother with young children I tell her I'm not interested in meeting her children for several months and I make sure I don't. It's not fair to the child. I think that's good policy in general and can help avoid situations where she's looking for a new father for her kids.

 

"It's not fair to the child" <----------#

 

Yes, it's definitely not fair. Thank you for pointing out this important aspect of any relationship concerning children. I think I like you Jj66

[Jules Dash]

"It's not fair to the child" <----------#

 

Yes, it's definitely not fair. Thank you for pointing out this important aspect of any relationship concerning children. I think I like you Jj66

 

 

Kids are very resilient. Adults tend not to give kids enough credit. In most cases, they will shake off the departure of mom's boyfriend by the time he leaves the driveway and never mention his name again by the end of the week.

[Redhead14]

Kids are very resilient. Adults tend not to give kids enough credit. In most cases, they will shake off the departure of mom's boyfriend by the time he leaves the driveway and never mention his name again by the end of the week.

 

It's not about resilience, it's about introducing male role models to children. Children who watch their mothers parade a string of men through their lives, don't understand nor will they trust the man she actually ends up keeping to stay in their lives and be there for them as a father figure.

[Oregon_Dude]

Gus, you wolf!!! You took advantage of a poor, suffering little lamb.

 

Bullet dodged, handsome devil. My advice is to heed all baggage before boarding the plane next time.

 

Don't break too many hearts today, Casanova

[Jules Dash]

It's not about resilience, it's about introducing male role models to children. Children who watch their mothers parade a string of men through their lives, don't understand nor will they trust the man she actually ends up keeping to stay in their lives and be there for them as a father figure.

 

 

These claims are often made but there is no data to back up these claims but there are studies to support the strong resilience of children. I think we are often overprotective of them. Parading men around is much different than an occasional boyfriend not sticking around until the kids is an adult.

What is important is that a child receives a lot of love. The occasional guy not lasting until marriage won't damage them in most cases.