BlackGoaty Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Just got back from my week long holiday trip with my family, the same holiday spot I went with my ex last year. It was really a bad choice, but the holiday trip was booked before we broke up 3 months ago. I can't even remember when was the last time I spoke to her (yeah it seems like months but oh well, life has been treating me good). I enjoyed myself during the trip, but out of 8 days, 2-3 days were sort of 'ruined' as I had dreams of her and which practically sees me through the day in a daze and some places which we went to certainly jolt me back in time, but the down time seems a little bit more at places which we went to. So there, my moments of down time in my week long holiday. The moment I got back from the trip, I removed her from my friendster list. Yup, I do not wish to see pics of her and her new found love which is like the knife stabbing in the heart each time I see it. Now the thing is, I have some stuff which I would like to get back from her. How do I go about it? Would it be appropriate to ask my sister to help me get it back from her? Any suggestions? Or should I wait a little longer?
lindya Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 From what you said about the feelings of having a knife stabbing in your heart, I guess you're having a bit of a relapse in the break up recovery process. Totally normal. Getting over someone isn't a cut and dried process of passing neatly through different stages of lost...you can dot back and forth - think you're through the anger stage, only to revisit it a few weeks later. At the moment, she's weighing on your mind - possibly because of the recent trip that brought back memories of her. Depending upon how badly you need that stuff back, what about marking a date in your diary -and deciding that you will contact her to ask for your stuff back on that date? That way, you're doing it because your diary tells you to and not because your heart does. It's impossible to say whether it would be appropriate to recruit your sister to help you out. Is she friends with your ex? Is she likely to be able to go round and pick the stuff up without getting into any sort of argument or difficult conversation with her? Good luck.
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 Yes, I totally understand and know that these down time will hit me in waves. I'm weaving in and out the anger stage (even though I was the dumper, I don't feel like i'm the one that dumped her, I only said it out for her). She had in fact helped me not break contact by telling me that she's happy with her life with her new found love, which I gave her my blessings (during our last convo weeks ago) to both of them and resolved not to ever get into contact with her. Not even as FRIENDS. She was a great companion. A great person. As long as I know she's happy with her life, then I'm happy. I do not wish to show her my sorrows. Okay, I'm rambling again...but its thanks to many great advisors out here on LS that keeps me through the days! I don't wish to contact her to get my stuff back but I don't want to show that I'm so petty or being childish by getting someone esle to get it for me. My sister and her are friends, and they won't get into arguments or any sort of difficult conversation like that. Well, I really need those stuff back as they cannot be replaced and I wouldnt want to drag on lest she throws them away (I know she won't but well, you never know!). So now the dilemma is whether I should email/text her or get my sister to get it for me?
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Okay, just when I thought I'm never going to talk to her again , out of the blue today ex MSNed me and asking me if i'm at work! I replied "Yes, Im at work, what's up?". She was like, "Oh thought you left your company. Sorry to disturb and have a great day!". I didn't try to be friendly with her or anything though I could tell she was trying to be friendly and holding up the convo. DUH! Anyway I took the opportunity to ask if I can drop by on Sunday to pick up my stuff. Told her to leave it outside her house and she kept telling me its very heavy and stuff and if Im able to handle it. I simply told her to leave it outside her house and I will drop by to collect it. So now, no dilemma. Weird isn't it. Shows how NC does really work. I'm not advocating that NC works to get a response from your ex nor getting back your ex but I was prepared to talk to her as I know I could hold a convo without letting much about myself nor questioning about her life and at the end of the convo, it will not affect me if I have not done NC (if I havent started NC and healing myself, I would be hanging on to this hope that she msged me and start contacting her and having hopes again! But hell NO!). NC works in preparation for this day where your ex pops out of the blue and talk to you and you will not be overly emotional and bring up topic about the relationship.
outdated Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 But you broke up with her, right? So NC isn't really a problem for you as you were the initiator of the split. Still I agree with what you said about it preparing yourself for when you have to deal with them again. I guess my question is, why did you break up with her? It seems like you still have feelings for her.
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Yes I initiated the break up but as said, its more of like we had a communication breakdown, the usual lowdowns of a long term relationship, passion dies off, and I was resolving life issues (parents on the verge of divorce, work issues, etc) of my own at the end of our 3rd year r/s, which by then during one of our convo after our breakup she had mentioned that for the past year she felt like she was single and I was not able to provide the security and love she needed. For the past 3 months prior to our breakup, she have been spending alot of time with some new biker guy friends and being the intuitive person that I am, I realised that she's distancing herself away from me and I have actually told her not to ride on the bikes which she didnt listened and went ahead (yes I know i cant stop her from doing what she want) and I felt that she has this thing with the guy, so I broke it off with her. After much analysing, I realised its the same for her previous relationship. Half a year before the relationship ended with her previous ex, she had distanced herself and starting being 'single' and dating around (which I happened to be around her life and I was also just recovering from a broken 4 yr r/s). NC is definitely a problem for me during the 1st month. For 2 weeks, I was delibilated and wasnt able to do anything, i pull myself out of it through the help of this forum and other forums. Yes, I still love her and even though I still want her back in my life but I have to move on with life. She has already moved on, and she have given me the closure, so I have no choice but to move on. I know there aren't many dumpers here coming to this forum to profess/wail/seeking advice about their loss or breakup. Just want you people i.e. the dumpee, to know that it is not any easier for the dumper, like me, to have to do what we have to do. Without this break, there are many things which we dont see eye to eye, and no matter how much we talked about it to work on it during the course of the relationship, the distance just grow apart day by day and whatever love there is for each other, it is being clouded by all insecurities, distrust, miscommunication, mind-reading one another.
outdated Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 I don't understand. Now it's completely over? Did something happen between your most recent post and the one before? It sounded like she was contacting you- reaching out. How did that become the final closure you needed. Did she tell you she was happy the way things were and there was no chance?
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 17, 2005 Author Posted May 17, 2005 Sorry, the final closure I had from her when I made contact with her a month back. Below a short summary of the final closure convo I had with her, which is the last time I spoke to her. I was just saying hi and ask if she would be free for coffee a week or so later (she replied that she will do a raincheck on that as she have lessons at school, we had a chance to catch up but I blew it!). We had a nice convo but temptation got the better of me and with all her profile on friendster and weblog that she seems to have someone new in her life. So I asked her if she's seeing someone now (1 month ++ after our breakup). Everything came crashing down. Here's a part of the dialogue she said to me: - Its great to find someone who could give me what I wanted. It's all very simple, but sometimes its hard to find. - I don't know what to say BG, but im like so happy with my life now. Whatever it was/is between us, I think its a good lesson for both of us. - heh...whatever it is.. just remember to treasure what you have and treasure the person next to you. Only by losing something precious, you then realise your mistakes. Sometimes it's too late to mend any broken pieces. Not any girl will have the patience. - You should always treasure and show the person you love @ that moment, NOT realising it after you lose her. So sorry, but I have never felt that way with you...for the last 1/2 yr to me, I was attached for 2 yrs, and single for the last year. End of the day, all a girl wants is a sense of security, someone to protect her. I totally have zero feelings. - Like i said, i wanted simple stuff from a relationship > Sense of security. It feels f^&king good to go shopping and know that nobody can bully/pick you up cos a lover is beside you protecting you. - I hope you understand what i mean. It's the thing of 'totally belonging to someone" someone's property or whatever you call it. One entity. Not being by yourself ALL THE TIME. Not going out with your friends and thinking that you have a better time with them because yr friends will give you more attention. - Whatever it is, i hope you will treasure your next girlfriend more. and learn some lessons.. and know what to avoid. oh well, move on. Life still has to go on. So our convo ended with me saying: I guess i wont be seeing you around then. Well, here's the song for you in your mailbox (A song by Chicago Look Away). I'm giving my blessings to both of you. Wishing you and him happy always. I know from the convo, she thinks that its all my fault for neglecting her, I guess its easier this way. I know she still care for me, maybe in a friend way as she asked me How am I feeling these days. I know the right thing to do is to continue with NC, perhaps I just need more encouragement and advice or whatever to knock me off my senses. I know I cannot maintain a friendship with her now, but at the same time, I really want to be a friend and still be in her life. But I guess being in a friendship cant work for now until when I am really really over her. And yes, from the convo, you can tell its OVER for good.
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Ex sent me a msn message again yesterday. She asked me if im free to chat as she knows im in the office working. Well, somehow either fate has played on us again or she's just 'testing' my reaction cos' I replied 1-2 mins with "uhuh?" but no response for 10 mins and I replied ?? and another 10 mins passed with still no response so I asked her if she has msged the wrong person again. She replied only 1 hr later saying that she did not msged the wrong person and I was so slow in responding and apologised for disturbing and said goodbye without explaining or saying why she was looking for me! I was tempted to retaliate back or defend myself which is what I normally do when we chat online and she accuses me of replying very slow but I stopped myself and just let it past, probably throw her off course. But oh well, maybe genuinely we weren't meant to talk. But anyway as of the previous msn msg 2 days ago, I told her that I will be collecting my stuff from her on Sunday and after she said goodbye yesterday, I wanted to confirm with her again but no replies. So i just logged off and left. What do you think she is doing? Her motives? To find out whether I'm doing fine? To maintain a friendship (that is totally out of the question)? She do not have any access through weblog (I don't have any), friendster (I update my profile and pictures regularly there but I have since removed her from my list and with limited access for friends only) and we don't share common friends, but she may have met some of my friends while out clubbing which I'm sure they won't be as friendly towards her as they were in the past (I have told her before during our r/s that my friends are always my friends even though they seems to be friends with you, but this bunch of friends, if we arent together anymore, they won't be your friends anymore as they will always be on my side no matter what, which I felt im lucky to have a bunch of great & supportive friends to help me through these difficult times). Maybe she's starting to think about her rebound relationship with the new guy or whatever but I don't want to play any mind-guessing games so Im letting it be. I don't know right now what kind of stage I am in, if these were me a few weeks back, and she msged me online, I will be feeling butterflies in my stomach and get very nervous , clammy hands but I never felt any of these this week. I was devoid of any feelings. I don't feel anything at all. When I listen to sad love songs, I don't feel sad. Im over the anger stage. Probably in the acceptance stafe? Everything seems like a blur. Have you guys felt any of these after doing NC for a period of time?
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Yes, ex msged again today. So what's a guy gotta do? She was asking me some online stuff (trivial stuff which she need not even ask from me), gave her a short simple reply and there was it. Things turn out unexpectedly ugly when I asked to re-confirm (as yesterday I didnt receive any replies from her) abt my collection on Sunday becos' she said she will be out on Sunday. She flared up and said that im very troublesome and I should let her know a time and she pass the stuff to me personally and stuff like that, then went on to say that she cannot communicate with me and don't wish to talk to someone who don't answer properly blah blah when all i asked was just a re-confirmation. Oh my gosh! So I said I dont wish to talk to someone who cannot control herself. And more angry words spew out from her. Her last parting words were > I'm going to put it outside now, you can come and collect anytime you wish to. It's at my shoe rack shelves. I don't wish to talk to you anymore it will only make me think of the past and make me vomit blood as usual. I'm so PUZZLED by her reaction! I was just worried that my stuff will get stolen when she leave it overnight outside her house as there were stuff that got stolen before. So what am I going to do now? I wont be free tonight nor tomorrow until Sunday!
lindya Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 The things I'm picking up are 1. The passion was dying from your relationship when you ended it, but you still had/have strong emotional responses to each other. 2. She's given you lots of messages about not making her feel special during the relationship. I don't know whether that's fair or not. From what I can see, you ended the relationship - which is almost always going to be interpreted on some level as "I don't think you're special." She's hurting and angry - and she probably doesn't want you to even think about moving on from this until some of that hurt and anger has died down. 3. You haven't, as far as I can see (and we are just getting your side of the story) done much wrong. The relationship wasn't working any more, you weren't happy, she wasn't feeling special or loved - indicating that she wasn't happy either, the passion was dying. The two of you were probably starting to argue a lot. You ended the relationship. 4. Your ex is now freely showing you the less positive aspects of herself. She maybe feels that she showed you the best in her and it wasn't good enough - so, hell, why not just show you the worst now. Why not tell you that what she expects from a relationship is someone who will make her feel special, show her lots of attention and provide a sort of free bodyguard service so that she doesn't get beaten up or harassed when she goes shopping (what sort of town do you live in???). What she's talking about are are primary female drives - ie to be protected, provided with security etc. Relationships in the 21st century are, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your world view) a lot more complicated than that. She needs to be an adult and realise that with or without a partner there will be times she has to look out for herself and not rely on others for protection. 5. How you deal with all this game-playing stuff is obviously up to you. If you were my brother/a male friend, I'd be telling you to give her a short and clear message that you're not interested in batting negative stuff back and forth with her. If she wants to be friends, that's fine - but being friends does not involve whining in perpetua about what went wrong in your relationship. As for her leaving your stuff outside - that's not acceptable, but tackling her about it is probably what she wants. An excuse for yet more arguments (and, thereby, the attention she's seeking from you). Is there anyone else who can pick the stuff up for you as you're not free until Sunday? Good luck.
Author BlackGoaty Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 1. The passion was dying from your relationship when you ended it, but you still had/have strong emotional responses to each other. [color=darkblue]Yes I must admit our passion was dying from our relationship and I felt I gave all my time so much to this relationship and to my family that i was exhausted and needed some time off alone, if you get what I mean. She was a great gf, she did alot of things for our r/s too, I mean we had a great r/s. But I guess that does not include me going away into my world of my own. During these times, we still did couple's stuff, meeting up, movies, chatting everyday, going on holiday every 2-3 months but the sparks is no longer there cos' I really wasnt there in the relationship. We had 2 near breakups during the year but it was all resolved by talking about it and saying that we both agreed to put in more efforts and yet I didnt put in any effort at all and she did what she could until both of us were so distanced from each other. We may be seeing each other very often but you know...the hearts are distanced. There was a lot of resentment towards her and there were alot of demands which at that point i wasnt able to give. [/color] 2. She's given you lots of messages about not making her feel special during the relationship. I don't know whether that's fair or not. From what I can see, you ended the relationship - which is almost always going to be interpreted on some level as "I don't think you're special." She's hurting and angry - and she probably doesn't want you to even think about moving on from this until some of that hurt and anger has died down. [color=darkblue] When I broke up with her, the reason was not that I don't love her anymore (I just said I needed my space and time to be alone). She, herself was also distancing herself away from me when I did that. And she was seeing someone at the point in time when I was distancing myself from her. I guess the new guy was a replacement of what I couldnt give her. [/color] 3. You haven't, as far as I can see (and we are just getting your side of the story) done much wrong. The relationship wasn't working any more, you weren't happy, she wasn't feeling special or loved - indicating that she wasn't happy either, the passion was dying. The two of you were probably starting to argue a lot. You ended the relationship. [color=darkblue]I think both parties are at fault, we cant just put the blame on just one party alone, it always take two hands to clap. I guess she wasnt mature enough and we may not be on the same level, shes 22 and I'm 26. I know sometimes age is not an issue but she's definitely one of those takers. Being in a relationship is not like a fairy tale. She had expectations of me which I didnt meet during those times when I would like to be left alone, however I gave her my love wholehearted without any expectations nor expecting her to change or anything like that. [/color] 4. Your ex is now freely showing you the less positive aspects of herself. She maybe feels that she showed you the best in her and it wasn't good enough - so, hell, why not just show you the worst now. Why not tell you that what she expects from a relationship is someone who will make her feel special, show her lots of attention and provide a sort of free bodyguard service so that she doesn't get beaten up or harassed when she goes shopping (what sort of town do you live in???). What she's talking about are are primary female drives - ie to be protected, provided with security etc. Relationships in the 21st century are, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your world view) a lot more complicated than that. She needs to be an adult and realise that with or without a partner there will be times she has to look out for herself and not rely on others for protection. [color=darkblue]I have to agree very much on this point with you. I guess she's still stuck in her 'childhood'. Many relationship problems arises from childhood problems which is brought on to adult lives. She didnt have a chance to be really on her own and looking out for herself. [/color] 5. How you deal with all this game-playing stuff is obviously up to you. If you were my brother/a male friend, I'd be telling you to give her a short and clear message that you're not interested in batting negative stuff back and forth with her. If she wants to be friends, that's fine - but being friends does not involve whining in perpetua about what went wrong in your relationship. As for her leaving your stuff outside - that's not acceptable, but tackling her about it is probably what she wants. An excuse for yet more arguments (and, thereby, the attention she's seeking from you). Is there anyone else who can pick the stuff up for you as you're not free until Sunday? [color=darkblue] So she meant what she said. I went to collect my stuff which she said she left outside in the afternoon. Imagine if I hadnt gone down to collect my stuff, it would be gone by Sunday which Im sure! I can't imagine how immature she is at this point in time. I think she's angry because she had taken the first step to try to talk to me these few days after I started on my NC for a month (after the closure I had from her) and I was monosyllabic, not rude, but I replied in a polite but firm manner. Even when she was trying to be argumentative, I took in a few deep breath and let it pass without arguing with her. So now she have changed her friendster status from 'Single' to 'In a relationship' shortly after our 'argument' this afternoon over msn. I don't know what she wants. Im just puzzled, very very puzzled. If she wants a friendship, I don't think I can give it to her now. Im still in the healing process and if I maintain a friendship with her, it will be unfair to me as I dont want to be the one for her to fall back on when things don't work out for her and the new guy. I will be hanging on to a hope if I maintain a friendship which I will be hurt again and again if things don't turn out the way i want it. [/color]
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