yet again

[Webby_addy]

I'm in a pickle. My girlfriend for a 1.5 years left me again for the third time! I know after that statement you all will tell me to run away and say I dodged a bullet. Maybe so. However, please read on and let me know of any insights that I may not be seeing.

 

She left me twice before out of the blue but deep inside I knew she'd come back because it wasn't anything I did. She'd get frustrated if we had an argument or if I brought up any issues between us. These are normal miscommunication fights in a relationship. The first time I was kind of in her face asking why she's having second thoughts and this pushed her away. I didn't do it in a bad way, but she's introverted and it was too much for her. She came back a week and a half later realizing she overreacted and so did I and asked me to take her back. We go out for another 8 months or so.

 

Second time we split, she was having serious stress with her career and she was going to lose her job. This took a toll on us but mostly on her. She said she couldn't handle a relationship and left me. I walked away without begging. Always did no contact. She came back 2 months later wanting to try again and realized she was being crazy for coming back and letting me go. She understood it was the stress that made her push me away. I told her she'll need to put more effort when things get hard in normal relationship hurdles. We eventually get back together and just as I start opening up and being comfortable, the honeymoon stage came and went.

 

One hiccup in that time, she went to hang out with her friend instead of me and I told her cool as i usually do. But when i sat with it for a bit, i felt maybe i wasn't setting right boundaries as it felt to me that she hung out with this friend a lot more than me. She freaked out and felt i didn't trust her. but we patched it up. (Probably lost some attraction points towards me from this). She warmed up again. But in the last two weeks of our relationship, her career was on the line again and brought her much stress. I was wary and proceeded with caution because when she gets stressed she doesn't think of anything else and pushes me away. Our relationship takes a hit because I feel she doesn't open up to me. I was being patient but all the sudden she was distant and avoiding me. So I told her we should take a weekend off from talking because I felt deceived by her sounding excited to meet up over text but when she meets up, she is not present. I was doing my best to tell her I'm there for her if she needs to talk.

 

A week goes by with neither of us reaching out and she ends it. I felt it was going to end too because she's done this before. However during this third break up she didn't put the blame on her work stress but said after the fight with "setting boundaries", she felt confused. She said I don't understand her. I don't hear her. We have communication problems that are repeating.

 

Now, a few days before our last breakup I was feeling like I should end it because she's not good at communicating and working through issues with me, I feel neglected in the relationship a lot, and seems like she thinks about herself more than me. Especially in times where I act up or she acts up and things turn into a conflict.

 

(Side note, when conflicts arise she is the dismissive type and shuts me out for a few days. I never chase her but patiently tell her when she processed everything I'm ready to talk)

 

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My thoughts or assumptions: she might have "narcissist" tendencies and doesn't deal with her emotions well. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I can disconnect and move on. But, I know I play a part in this too as I'm not the best at setting my own boundaries and speaking up. This maybe comes off as me being inauthentic at times.

 

If I open up to her with affection she sometimes pushes me away. I know she may have some emotional issues as she doesn't let anyone come too close. I was hoping to be that guy she can feel safe with, but maybe she doesn't feel she can trust me.

 

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However, after all this I am hoping maybe she's going to regret breaking up with me again and maybe she wasn't thinking straight. Am I crazy to be hoping that is the case? It might be my bruised ego for letting her do this to me a third time. Also what does that say about me, by letting a person do that to me 3 times?

 

I've been in no contact and don't feel a reason to reach out other than maybe let her know I don't hate her later down the line and that I did my best despite our personal issues. I truly still think she is a wonderful human (even though this rant doesn't make it seem so). I like flaws in people and tried to accept hers. I'm attracted to it.

 

I just want to know if I need help or if she needs help too. Will we never work?

 

I don't know what my question here is, I'm just venting and wanting to understand our behaviors for my future relationships either with her or with someone new entirely. (I know I probably should let her go and find someone new, though my heart doesn't want to at this moment. Its still fresh ahaha).

Edited September 14, 2015 by Webby_addy

[Oregon_Dude]

what does that say about me, by letting a person do that to me 3 times?

It says that you have terrible boundaries and really low self-esteem. A healthy person would have let her go the first time, grieved, and never taken her back.

 

You have a lot of self-work to do. You need to rebuild your life to the point where it's complete without her. I would suggest personal therapy.

 

Go back to her if you want your life to be continued chaos. Stay away from her if you want to begin living in a calm and peaceful manner. The choice is yours.

[BlueBlood]

Yeah. The thing about boundaries is they have to mean something, be consistent, and be enforced. I'm not getting that vibe here that they were. Boundaries without respectful enforcement are just empty threats, can you see that?

 

She sounds like her tolerance for stress is very low and that she treated your relationship with all the respect one might show gum on the sidewalk. Trust me, there are people out there that are capable of having work stress and not bailing on their SO. After taking time to heal and reevaluate your priorities and strengthen your self esteem, go get one of those people. It'll be a really nice change for you!