Heer Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Hi everyone. Here is my background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/530880-bf-jealous-my-best-guy-friend-i What basically happened is that my bf (Jeff) and I had agreed to take a break and possibly break up. I was depressed :( and he too was very sad. He got mad, called me names and threw books at me. I got really scared and left his place. He later texted an apology but I never replied. These past days, I've been focusing on my studies and I've told my friends about the break and they were supportive and sympathetic. The real problem is that he texted me this afternoon saying that he wants to call me. I still didn't reply. He called mt this evening telling me he was sorry and that he really wanted to work things out. I told him that I want to work things out as well but I told him that I think I need more space. It got emotional really quick and I cried when he said that he still cared about me and that he never wanted to hurt me. I told him the same thing and he asked me if I still loved him. I told him that I still loved him deeply and dearly but I'm not sure if its wise to get back together after such a short time apart. What do you guys think? Please help, I'm very confused and depressed.
thunder777 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) well im not going to read all 11 pages of your other thread but im similiar to your BF/ex i had to move on from my girl because she was spending pretty much everyday with a guy who was paying her to do cash in hand landscaping (his business) but even worse he started paying her to do his house cleaning wtf!! anyways my girl was in the domain of another mans lures, and whether or not something was happening between them, i couldnt stand the fact she had an emotional connection with someone else and he had free reigns to seduce her, or flert to her or whatever my girl is mine, i dont share her around like a piece of cake to other guys who have ideas that all guys have work companions sure, but if my girl is openly and happily engaging in another mans lures, then you are not protecting or guarding the wonderful connection you and your boyfriend are suppose to have. for example: u make love all night, have breakfast together, and then you say "anyways im going to another guys house to spend the afternoon". whats ur bf gonna feel from this imagine marge simpson doing this to homer, and the state homer would be in with marge out having a wonderful time with another man you might believe your just friends, but the other guy would secretly have little thoughts about courting you, and thats not fair on your BF who devotes all his love and efforts to you its untrusting and jealousy but you are hurting him by sharing your "recreational" time with other guys. literally hurting and infuriating him, making him hurt on the inside. his outrage is justified and any boyfriend you get in the future will also feel the same Edited September 14, 2015 by thunder777 2
TunaCat Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 OP, I was one of the people fiercely defending you and your longtime friendship with the other guy. My opinion of your now ex has not improved. Especially when I read this "He got mad, called me names and threw books at me." That is NEVER okay. He can get mad, sure, but calling you names and throwing books at you is NOT okay. My suggestion is to delete him from your life totally. You deserve better than Jeff. Block his number and any social media sites that you follow him on. 4
jen1447 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 He's a burgeoning abuser/controller, hon. Don't let him back in. It's natural you'll be out of sorts for a while but a new direction is for the best. Stay strong - Jeff's the wrong choice. There'll be others. Better ones. 1
thunder777 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 the guy was just frustrated he didnt punch her or bash her he just a boy who lost his temper cos he loves her and she goes out parading her bum to some other guy, whether he gets any or not is not the point i cant also believe that the "best friend's girlfriend" allows him to spend time with the OP 5
jen1447 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 She doesn't have to wait to be punched or bashed. Throwing things at you and other looming forms of violence are more than enough. You're defending an abuser, and this isn't a thread to rehash your disapproval of her lifestyle anyway. 1
thunder777 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 yeah better call the cops... he threw a book at me 1
HandsomeBoh Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Should he have thrown the book? No. Should he have called her names? No. Does it detract from his ability to repent and be a better man? No...
thejabberwocky Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Honestly, I think you guys broke it off for a reason. He's clearly unstable and this will be a constant issue. Might as well move on now than get more invested. Good luck.
thunder777 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 should a woman go out with other guys alone when she has a loving guy at home? no should a man go on innocent dates with other women and ignore his loving girl at home? no you try spending not only 1 day but even 10 days home alone whilst your partner is out on a date with members of the opposite sex yea, what a really nice enjoyable experience that would be a man bottle pain up until he explodes, she refuses to compromise for him or care how it hurts him. eventually a male will explode and again he did not bash her or punch her she is abusing his love for her and that hurts more than having a book thrown at u 2
dumbass2 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Bottom line is they both are young and they both have issues. Hopefully they can both look back at this relationship and see things they both need to work on, because if they don't see it, it will continue to happen and be a detriment to both with whoever they get into a relationship with next. Live and learn or continue to repeat the same mistakes and suffer the same consequences. They are young enough to hopefully learn.
disbelief Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 if you guys love each other sit down and have a serious talk about what needs to happen to have a healthy relationship.
drseuss Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 i think this whole situation has alot of posative pints you both love eacher you have realised there are issue to work on so your taking time apart to think he wants you back the easiest way to fix it is tell him that if he cannot accept you and your guy friend the rs isnt going to work then the rest is up to him
Christos Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Seriously, look at how the women answered in this thread... My God, i just lost a little bit more of my faith in humanity... So, her bf is unstable because she wants to spend much more time being close with other men and he can't accept it? SERIOUSLY? So, let's turn it around, imagine you were in a relationship with the MAN YOU LOVE, and he wanted to spend his time with another young attractive woman, but of course he would tell you they are only friends/co-workers/whatever. I am sure you would be fine with that... In truth, this girl lies to the whole forum. She actually likes the attention the other men give her, has GSIS, wants to feel special, and i actually think she might have done more with other men than she admits... But sure, accuse her poor ex of being unstable and immature... 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 You're young, don't settle for someone who has anger & control issues. Go full No Contact for a month. I bet by then you'll be totally over him & ready to move on & find someone else. 3
PaperCrane Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 This whole debacle is hilarious. Neither of you respect each other or yourselves enough at this point to even fathom having a reciprocally loving relationship. You can't cut ties with an intimate partner, sex or not, to sustain and nurture a connection with another man. You try and bring this man, whom you were never ever honest about with your bf into your space. That was downright dirty. That's playing Jeff for a fool, like both you and Dan are in on the joke that his penis was all up in your junk that one time and you both are playing a game of keep away from the guy. Jeff doesn't respect himself enough to have let you go when he found out about your behavior. He doesn't have the capacity to control his physical anger when finding out about your over the top plans and gifts for your 'best friend'. Anger is an emotion ignited by others; primarily resentment irritation and frustration. Do you feel Jeff had the right to feel irritated that his gf at the time was spending so much of her free time and money on a man he knows his gf wasn't honest about? Does he have the right to feel resentful towards what should be affection given to him as well as what should be honesty? I too would feel frustrated in this situation because he has tried everything. He's tried talking to you and you never came clean. He's tried to allow him into the space to give transparency. He's trying to fix whatever it is he did wrong. I rarely try and justify physical outbursts of anger, but you know what, what he did was wrong but I can wholly see why he did what he did. Neither of you is clear from fault or responsibility from this. #beatingadeadhorse I only bring this up again because you keep ignoring the glaring facts surrounding the failure of this relationship. You need to understand them so your next one doesn't suffer the same fate. I will still try and help though. And it will be a short list. NC Jeff. You both need time to process this to see if it is worth repairing.Leave Dan alone as well. You'll see his true intentions if you place time between you two for a bit.Focus on school and reflect on what it is you really want out of dating. Think about what dating means to you, and express those ideas early when meeting someone.Last but not least. Focus on being honest with yourself and others. 3
Author Heer Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Hi everyone, thank you for your feedback. I'm just not sure if Jeff's intention to be back with me is pure because he said some pretty hurtful things to me when we agreed on the break. He basically told me in the phone call that he was just angry "at the moment" and didn't really mean what he said. I do know that he can get really angry really fast in the past but it usually blows over quick and we don't talk about it unless he brings it up. This is the first time he brought it up and he apologized. I told him everything this time including the relationship between Dan and I. He knows that I've been cutting back on spending time with Dan and I told him that. I also told him that Dan is just a friend and that we have some shared history and that my feelings for Jeff and Dan are totally different. Jeff said that he understands but he just doesn't feel comfortable. I told him basically that we only hang out occasionally nowadays and that we talk only about school work (Dan and I have the same major). He said that he knows that I never cheated on him and I swore that I didn't as well. I told him that we should spend some time to think and he agreed. I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I agree with those of you here that we should at least temporarily separate but Jeff seems insistent and he seems sincere. I've only told Dan the bare minimum and he said that he was sorry what happened and that he was here if I needed to talk. I feel bad because I know that Dan is a good person at heart but to others (including my bf) he may seem like he's trying to steal me when he isn't. I used to talk to Dan if I was depressed or have social anxiety but I know that its inappropriate. I really don't have a person to confide to because of conflict on interest.
PaperCrane Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Hi everyone, thank you for your feedback. I'm just not sure if Jeff's intention to be back with me is pure because he said some pretty hurtful things to me when we agreed on the break. He basically told me in the phone call that he was just angry "at the moment" and didn't really mean what he said. I do know that he can get really angry really fast in the past but it usually blows over quick and we don't talk about it unless he brings it up. Issues that bother someone should be voiced easily so they can be resolved. Especially to a SO. That's part of building a connection. Expressing problems about a person to that person when you love them is hard. Very hard. It is being very vulnerable and opens the other person to it too. He has to work on that part of himself. This is the first time he brought it up and he apologized. I told him everything this time including the relationship between Dan and I. He knows that I've been cutting back on spending time with Dan and I told him that. I also told him that Dan is just a friend and that we have some shared history and that my feelings for Jeff and Dan are totally different. Good. That's important to communicate. Jeff said that he understands but he just doesn't feel comfortable. I told him basically that we only hang out occasionally nowadays and that we talk only about school work (Dan and I have the same major). He said that he knows that I never cheated on him and I swore that I didn't as well. I told him that we should spend some time to think and he agreed. He has expressed again something that bothers him. It will always bother him. You try and justify why you do the thing that bothers him. That doesn't fix the problem at hand because the problem at hand is cut and dry: He does not feel okay with you spending time with someone he feels is trying to get you. And you two do have a past of sorts so his worries as far as he can tell are justified. I would not enjoy a gf spending any length of time conversing with someone who has a past you two shared. As we leave high school and enter college and leave there as well we learn that M/F interaction is intrinsically different than M/M or F/F interactions. There will always be sexual tension at some level. The less interaction you have with someone who you think you "need to spend less time with" will create more tension during the time you spend interacting. So even with spending less time, it creates a situation where things could go a certain way at a faster pace because you know your time is limited. I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I agree with those of you here that we should at least temporarily separate but Jeff seems insistent and he seems sincere. I've only told Dan the bare minimum and he said that he was sorry what happened and that he was here if I needed to talk. Good and bad. You can try repairing what happened, but you need to see if you want to do it to repair a relationship rather than simply to abate loneliness or to stave off feelings of guilt. It needs to be a sincere effort towards the relationship. Also, you should not talk to Dan about it at this time because in your weakened emotional state, if he were to have ulterior motives, people become more prone to fall for them. Because he is a point of contention in the situation and not like something he did, but rather his presence in general, involving it more will only hurt the possible chance of a good outcome. Now, if you want to break-up with Jeff, go right ahead. If you want to work on the relationship which I personally don't think is right for the current moment, you need to cut Dan off for the time being until he can be reintroduced into your relationship dynamic in a healthy way. I feel bad because I know that Dan is a good person at heart but to others (including my bf) he may seem like he's trying to steal me when he isn't. I used to talk to Dan if I was depressed or have social anxiety but I know that its inappropriate. He may be. Honestly he could be as wicked pure as the driven snow. But he is also a man. And you're an attractive girl he's known and confided in and spent a lot of time with. Men, if they could would date their friends if they were girls. You happen to be his friend, and a girl. One that is pushing through for a career and is probably very attractive to him. I really don't have a person to confide to because of conflict on interest. This is a perfect time to try and expand your circle of strong female friendships. Men are sometimes easier to get along with as a girl because of the fact you're a girl. They like you. They're taught to treat you in most cases differently than their male friends. Answers in bold above. 1
runredlights Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Everybody responding like this girl is some victim damsel in distress obviously hasn't read her other threads. She wants to take a break so she can hook up with this other guy and not feel guilty. Your bf threw a book at you. So what? If a woman did this to a man then everyone would be calling you a wuss for getting so upset over it. It's understandable why he had an outburst with how you've been treating him. 5
Happines Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Let me ask you something...did he put any effort in getting back with u or simply texted and made a call ...???because I believe he didn't do much at all People make mistakes and that's fine but one has to show you that they actually put some time in realising their mistakes and as well putting time to work on themselves and proving you they are worth another chance...otherwise it might not b a book that throws at you but much much worse... If he cares enough he will do things to show you that he is worth u two getting back together
Author Heer Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Everybody responding like this girl is some victim damsel in distress obviously hasn't read her other threads. She wants to take a break so she can hook up with this other guy and not feel guilty. Your bf threw a book at you. So what? If a woman did this to a man then everyone would be calling you a wuss for getting so upset over it. It's understandable why he had an outburst with how you've been treating him. Hi,in case you didn't understand, I'm not looking to "hook up" with Dan or any other guy. Dan and I are platonic friends and if you read my initial thread you will understand.
kgcolonel Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Hi Heer, per your question and along with the prior thread, the only way you and your BF should think about getting back together is if you both can openly and fully share your concerns. Last I read, your BF had concerns about the "friend" and you had not fully shared the details about priors with this friend. If you want a true relationship with your EX, start by being open and truthful. If you intend to repeat the past by not clearing the air, then why waste yours and your EX's time here. Also, encourage him to express his concerns and work to arrive at a mutual agreement. (If you want this relationship). If you don't, simply walk but be respectful but walk.
Author Heer Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Let me ask you something...did he put any effort in getting back with u or simply texted and made a call ...???because I believe he didn't do much at all People make mistakes and that's fine but one has to show you that they actually put some time in realising their mistakes and as well putting time to work on themselves and proving you they are worth another chance...otherwise it might not b a book that throws at you but much much worse... If he cares enough he will do things to show you that he is worth u two getting back together He texted me and called me later in the day.
aboucher21 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 to be honest you are pretty cute:) Sorry if you find that creepy!
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