Ready to say it....

[road]

You're taking calls from the MM. You have admitted that you're vulnerable to restarting the affair. You say the words, you say you don!t want to hurt your family or his family but it's only words if you maintain low contact.

 

Do you truly believe your last sentence in your response "opportunity is not there"..?

 

 

 

This is not having NC. If OP wanted NC she would block OM and get a new number. That is if she really wanted NC.

[Furious]

Thanks, Furious. Yes, I do believe that the opportunity is NOT there. That's being completely honest with you. I believe it's his plan of exiting it...to wean off the highs if you will. There has been nothing from him that has mentioned seeing one another...or feelings. The calls are lessening. There are no social media ties anymore.

 

Please re-read your response, you're accepting contact, you're giving away your own power.

[Sparta]

Well how convenient that your husband didn't want to know any details or anything right? so you didn't face any consequences for your affair everything still on your terms. Wow this is great do you still work with the guy, you are just gaslighting everybody here and your husband. You need to face consequences for what you have done, if your husband won't do it, so why don't you do your husband a favor and divorce so maybe he can find someone that won't cheat on him someone that really loves him. I just got done reading a thread where lady cheated on her husband she contacted aid she's HIV-positive she's already sick. She caught up it by cheating on her husband. People need to learn to work out their problems with their husbands, wives, girlfriend boyfriend whatever partners. or leave them so you don't hurt them I bring it STDs HIV and other diseases to someone that innocent.

[understand50]

I do appreciate responses, and yes, I'm very guarded. It's not that I don't value others thoughts, concerns, time. Please understand that!! i will open up some more, maybe it'll help.

 

As for my M. I'm dealing with insomnia for the past few days, can't eat. Look like hell. Had a very emotional discussion with H early week that lasted hours. I pretty much told him I was ready to give up on the M. I told him I feared there were others in his life. He laughed, said I was crazy. Said he "knows he doesn't give me much. Then he said "but you are my everything. I just can't give you much right now. I don't know what's up with me. Just don't kill my heart by having an affair, or telling me you did..even though I wouldn't blame you if you did. I'd kill myself".

 

Its embarrassing to say I have gone backwards in my recovery of letting MM go since H and I have had discussions. I want attention, love, affection soooo badly again. I know it's not the moral high road by any means...but even if that source were to come from MM again-I'd go for it. I'd restart the A. That short term fix for long term destruction...yup. That "hit" if you will. It's ridiculous, I know. I hate that I'm there-which is why I am guarded on here. Not that I fear judgement or criticism from you all....that doesn't scare me or make me shy away.

 

My emotions are intense and making it tough to find my rationale mind right now. It's been a bad week, but I have faith it will improve. H and I are going away again in a few days to continue our discussions.

 

I want to give back to my LS community too. Thanks everyone for chiming in. I DO value it.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

Remain strong. You know this would be a step back, but I understand why you wish you could have the MM "Attention, love, affection". This is natural, and a strong person deals with wish and needs by first recognizing that you are having them. No shame in having them, do not have to act on them.

 

So, be strong, work with your husband, I am sure things will be better, or at least you will get some clarity, on what to do next. Again, you are doing a hard thing, and this will not be easy, but in the end be worth more because of it.

 

As Always, I wish you luck.

[Shinebrightforever]

Full NC was possible for a while, but is not possible right now due to circumstances (earlier in thread).

 

Sparta...you are correct. As of now, nobody in my world knows about the long term A. Well, just a therapist. Although I appreciate your candidness...Not sure how I'm gaslightimg everyone here. I'm being straight up on the current state of things, omitting nothing. Spinning nothing. Please advise?

 

I cannot block his work number from my work number. Doesn't mean I respond or always even listen.

 

Furious thank you, prior to the difficulties with my H recently, I felt very powerful. I know it will return. This vulnerability feeling will pass.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thank you understand50. I wish you luck and the best in your life too!

[qubist]

Hi shinebrightforever, It's good to hear from you again. You are still on the right track although taking slow baby steps. Nobody said this would be easy you knew it too all along. Do not let your weakness destroy what you have achieved. OM is not an innocent man he knows what he wants and wants it. He doesn't care about your life he just care about controlling you for his own benefit. Do not give up on your marriage but above all do not give up on yourself.

[Shinebrightforever]

Qubist. Oh how I've missed you. Your post made me cry. Thanks for believing in me still! I hope you are well. id talk football, but don't want to get moderated or something. thanks again for your steadfast encouragement.

[Spectre]

Since you're uninformed/can't be bothered to read' date=' basic summary.. questionable online activity and concerning bedroom behaviour by the husband in the marriage, no intimacy for many years, and wife and husband likely both have affair partners that are dudes (i.e. husband is probably gay, at the very least bi).[/quote']

 

Uh dude, it's a multi- page thread. People need to stop acting like it's necessary to read every single friggin page. The OP should be able to summarize it in their first post.

 

But at least you gave a summary and not some silly "am I your school teacher?" as if asking for a damn specific detail not mentioned in the OP is some huge crime.

 

Especially on this forum when I have seen threads last for dozens of pages? No, you don't need to read every single page in a thread. So we can all nip that silly notion in the butt right now and move on.

 

Anyways, sounds like neither of these people deserve or belong in a marriage.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Spectre

[World's.Edge]

Uh dude, it's a multi- page thread. People need to stop acting like it's necessary to read every single friggin page. The OP should be able to summarize it in their first post.

 

But at least you gave a summary and not some silly "am I your school teacher?" as if asking for a damn specific detail not mentioned in the OP is some huge crime.

 

Especially on this forum when I have seen threads last for dozens of pages? No, you don't need to read every single page in a thread. So we can all nip that silly notion in the butt right now and move on.

 

Anyways, sounds like neither of these people deserve or belong in a marriage.

 

Dude, that do I look like your grade school teacher comment was hilarious:). No it's not a crime to ask but the response you receive kind of depends on how you ask, and I think your how didn't come off that well.

 

Anyways, here was my response (to Horton) on the matter.

 

I don't think she expected every other poster here to read her other thread.

 

It's an open forum. Posters are free to begin threads and write whatever they want for whatever reason, and everyone else is free to read them if they so choose or not.

 

There are multiple threads on this forum by individual posters, should all those posters be expected to summarize their previous threads in each new thread to accomodate those who can't be bothered to read? Anyone who's interested can read up on them if he or she wants to, no one is expected to.

 

I usually try to read up on or skim through previous threads to understand someone's story before I post advice/opinions because there might be important information and details in them that might affect what I write. That's me. It's not a must, I'm not expected to and neither is anyone else.

 

If you're someone who is comfortable weighing in on a situation without any background information and context then that's you and you're free to do so. What Spectre wrote was ignorant of information and not useful (not that every single post has to be) and I don't think he would've written what he did if he had some background on her story so I thought I'd provide some info on her story.

[Shinebrightforever]

thanks Worlds Edge.

 

Spectre...I wasn't expecting this thread to still be somewhat "active". When I posted it a couple months back, I had certain individuals in mind that I knew would understand the long back story..that's why the summary was nil.

[understand50]

thanks Worlds Edge.

 

Spectre...I wasn't expecting this thread to still be somewhat "active". When I posted it a couple months back, I had certain individuals in mind that I knew would understand the long back story..that's why the summary was nil.

 

Shinebrightforever,

 

You are here to get advise or vent, it is up to the posters to inform themselves about your story. If you want to write a canned, summary and post it after you have been not active, that would be nice, but in a real sense, post what you need or want to.

 

Luck.

[merrmeade]

I do appreciate responses, and yes, I'm very guarded. It's not that I don't value others thoughts, concerns, time. Please understand that!! i will open up some more, maybe it'll help.

 

As for my M. I'm dealing with insomnia for the past few days, can't eat. Look like hell. Had a very emotional discussion with H early week that lasted hours. I pretty much told him I was ready to give up on the M. I told him I feared there were others in his life. He laughed, said I was crazy. Said he "knows he doesn't give me much. Then he said "but you are my everything. I just can't give you much right now. I don't know what's up with me. Just don't kill my heart by having an affair, or telling me you did..even though I wouldn't blame you if you did. I'd kill myself".

 

Its embarrassing to say I have gone backwards in my recovery of letting MM go since H and I have had discussions. I want attention, love, affection soooo badly again. I know it's not the moral high road by any means...but even if that source were to come from MM again-I'd go for it. I'd restart the A. That short term fix for long term destruction...yup. That "hit" if you will. It's ridiculous, I know. I hate that I'm there-which is why I am guarded on here. Not that I fear judgement or criticism from you all....that doesn't scare me or make me shy away.

 

My emotions are intense and making it tough to find my rationale mind right now. It's been a bad week, but I have faith it will improve. H and I are going away again in a few days to continue our discussions.

 

I want to give back to my LS community too. Thanks everyone for chiming in. I DO value it.

Wow, this thread is a riot. Makes me think we're ready for another thread questioning fidelity. I mean pages 1-2 were the update and congratulatory welcome-backs, pip pip keep up the good work posts. P. 4 had a 1-question post asking when she was going to pop the confession. Somewhere midway we got off onto researching a thread's history vs asking and getting a summary. And throughout, OP has shown the genteelest of manners schlepping up everybody that encourages her teeny tiny baby steps or taking ye old "moral high road" after a poke or hint at incredulity meanwhile vacillating about getting back together with MM. Finally, we get Oh, it's too hard, I'm just not sure I can take it and whatever else is the reason for keeping the line open for those certain calls.

 

Whatev. It's a farce like we're all supposed to be taken in by everybody's good manners and side conversations over tea.

 

She knows what she did and she'll do it again. It's wrong. Period. If she's married, it's wrong. What the hell difference does it make if her H is gay? Is he? Isn't that something to address right there? I mean, what's the point of this marriage?

 

I don't get the pussyfooting around. I think the politeness is a complete ruse that OP as a WW is quite adept at using to manipulate.

 

This is nonsense. Just nonsense.

Edited December 7, 2015 by merrmeade

[66Charger]

A straight mid 30s male does not have that strange behaviour. abandons intimacy with his wife for 5 years, wants to keep the status quo, sees the BLATANT affair, WONT DIVORCE and not be complicit in the going ons in his "marriage" Maybe his is straight and took a vow of celibacy. Probally should have let his wife know. Should she get a pass for this? Dont know, but, who is fooling who? It does matter.

 

The OP was 2x4ed and received the usual BS punishment when she posted here the first time. (I posted she had no honor) She didnt recieve pillows and tissues from the get go. There was a change.

She should have divorced a long time ago, but maybe in her/husbands culture, exposure of some things are suicide, therefore she is probally stuck. What exactly should she do?

 

Some have been here since July, sincerely trying to influence positively, so we know her and say hello and then you have the johnny come latelys who know nothing but dirt.(not mm) The OP was driven away by a similar post and history will more than likely repeat itself.

 

Ironically, When we hammmer a WS and some dont like it, they jump in to defend, especially if it's male BS on a female WS. . The WS leaves the forum, because of the beating and some of you berate us for doing so.

Edited December 8, 2015 by 66Charger

[understand50]

 

I don't get the pussyfooting around. I think the politeness is a complete ruse that OP as a WW is quite adept at using to manipulate.

 

This is nonsense. Just nonsense.

 

merrmeade,

 

We have had other WS who came here in the middle of an ongoing affair. SBF, has taken her time, but she is getting there. Remember all the flack Nerwrk took? She is blocking her MM, and hopefully she and her husband can sit down and really talk. But, that takes two, and from what she has stated he does not want to. I think he will later, and they will have to decide the divorce, or reconciliation paths. As long as she come here, I will have a kind word, and I hope a nudge for here to move on and do the the most right thing that she is able to and that works for them both.

 

As always I wish you luck........

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited December 8, 2015 by 66Charger

[merrmeade]

A straight mid 30s male does not have that strange behaviour. abandons intimacy with his wife for 5 years, wants to keep the status quo, sees the BLATANT affair, WONT DIVORCE and not be complicit in the going ons in his "marriage" Maybe his is straight and took a vow of celibacy. Probally should have let his wife know. Should she get a pass for this? Dont know, but, who is fooling who? It does matter.

 

The OP was 2x4ed and received the usual BS punishment when she posted here the first time. (I posted she had no honor) She didnt recieve pillows and tissues from the get go. There was a change.

She should have divorced a long time ago, but maybe in her/husbands culture, exposure of some things are suicide, therefore she is probally stuck. What exactly should she do?

 

Some have been here since July, sincerely trying to influence positively, so we know her and say hello and then you have the johnny come latelys who know nothing but dirt.(not mm) The OP was driven away by a similar post and history will more than likely repeat itself.

 

Ironically, When we hammmer a WS and some dont like it, they jump in to defend, especially if it's male BS on a female WS. . The WS leaves the forum, because of the beating and some of you berate us for doing so.

merrmeade,

 

We have had other WS who came here in the middle of an ongoing affair. SBF, has taken her time, but she is getting there. Remember all the flack Nerwrk took? She is blocking her MM, and hopefully she and her husband can sit down and really talk. But, that takes two, and from what she has stated he does not want to. I think he will later, and they will have to decide the divorce, or reconciliation paths. As long as she come here, I will have a kind word, and I hope a nudge for here to move on and do the the most right thing that she is able to and that works for them both.

 

As always I wish you luck........

Grrrrr. Oh, all RIGHT then, but I'll just have to watch from the sidelines, squirm and keep my mouth shut.

 

Actually I'm grateful for your gentle rebukes. You don't chide but understand my inflexibility - just as you understand OP's need for kindness and encouragement. Thank you for not handing my own treatment back to me. The reminder of "Nerwrk" (not really her handle) especially did it. I feel personally responsible for her disappearance. She trusted me and probably felt I'd turned on her. It bothers me a lot, in fact. I realized what had happened, but it was too late.

 

I'm sorry, Shinebrightforever, and don't go away. I won't do that again. I promise. And don't worry that anyone will still be judging you. No, it didn't take much; I really do get it. It's about tolerance based on respect and understanding of how people change. I admit I'm intolerant, inflexible and uncharitable on the subject of infidelity, and when the possibility of it is still there, I can't be satisfied talking about increments of possibility.

 

But they're right. We saw it work with the one WW they mentioned though she was uncommon and really did it herself. She also taught me to respect and understand the struggle of 'quitting,' which in turn helped me understand my BH. I'll always owe her for that. So, please stay and don't worry about what I think. I so cannot do what they do, but I'll be reading and learning from all of you. Maybe it will help me in making my own WH feel safe in such a conversation. These guys have humbled me with class.

[NewLeaf512]

Grrrrr. Oh, all RIGHT then, but I'll just have to watch from the sidelines, squirm and keep my mouth shut.

 

Actually I'm grateful for your gentle rebukes. You don't chide but understand my inflexibility - just as you understand OP's need for kindness and encouragement. Thank you for not handing my own treatment back to me. The reminder of "Nerwrk" (not really her handle) especially did it. I feel personally responsible for her disappearance. She trusted me and probably felt I'd turned on her. It bothers me a lot, in fact. I realized what had happened, but it was too late.

 

I'm sorry, Shinebrightforever, and don't go away. I won't do that again. I promise. And don't worry that anyone will still be judging you. No, it didn't take much; I really do get it. It's about tolerance based on respect and understanding of how people change. I admit I'm intolerant, inflexible and uncharitable on the subject of infidelity, and when the possibility of it is still there, I can't be satisfied talking about increments of possibility.

 

But they're right. We saw it work with the one WW they mentioned though she was uncommon and really did it herself. She also taught me to respect and understand the struggle of 'quitting,' which in turn helped me understand my BH. I'll always owe her for that. So, please stay and don't worry about what I think. I so cannot do what they do, but I'll be reading and learning from all of you. Maybe it will help me in making my own WH feel safe in such a conversation. These guys have humbled me with class.

 

Merrmeade I always enjoy your feminist viewpoints as you know.

 

The way you have examined your own writings, evaluated and apologised (which may be a first in the history of LS ) shows YOU to be a woman of class and substance. The fearlessness with which you post against misogyny and the veracity of your beliefs shows a tremendous strength of character and your consideration and taking on board understand50's gentle post proves you are a thoughtful person who is willing to change and to use reason to grow in self-awareness.

 

Thank you for this is really has made the difference to ME in my decision as I was about to leave because of 2 other posters.

 

ShineBright I like it when you're around. Please stay

[merrmeade]

Correction:

... which in turn helped me understand my BH. ...

Obviously that should've been "WH." Always do that. Must be a Freudian slip but if it is, yuk.

[Shinebrightforever]

Wow, this thread is a riot. Makes me think we're ready for another thread questioning fidelity. I mean pages 1-2 were the update and congratulatory welcome-backs, pip pip keep up the good work posts. P. 4 had a 1-question post asking when she was going to pop the confession. Somewhere midway we got off onto researching a thread's history vs asking and getting a summary. And throughout, OP has shown the genteelest of manners schlepping up everybody that encourages her teeny tiny baby steps or taking ye old "moral high road" after a poke or hint at incredulity meanwhile vacillating about getting back together with MM. Finally, we get Oh, it's too hard, I'm just not sure I can take it and whatever else is the reason for keeping the line open for those certain calls.

 

Whatev. It's a farce like we're all supposed to be taken in by everybody's good manners and side conversations over tea.

 

She knows what she did and she'll do it again. It's wrong. Period. If she's married, it's wrong. What the hell difference does it make if her H is gay? Is he? Isn't that something to address right there? I mean, what's the point of this marriage?

 

I don't get the pussyfooting around. I think the politeness is a complete ruse that OP as a WW is quite adept at using to manipulate.

 

This is nonsense. Just nonsense.

 

Merrmeade,

Your words, are tough, but will not chase me away. I realize sharing opens myself up to all kinds of feedback. Look. Im not trying to manipulate anyone on LS. So that's complete and utter bs comment.

 

Recently I have accepted low contact. I have given some in return. Mm is involved in the school system with one of my children. I also work with that school system now and then. When we see one another-to not say a cordial hi when we have for so long in front of these same people? It would cause suspicion. Some of the calls have been strictly professional. Almost cold in nature. Some have not.

 

I fully believe MM is also doing his best considering the circumstances. As am I. When he has called with more of a warmth and touch base purpose...I don't see his intent as awful and malice. Not when weeks go by without another call. He's trying to do his best too-hard as friggin hell that it is. Maybe I need to be more cynical about his intentions? I'm sure most will say I should. but I view it as him trying to get through this year...as I am trying to. There are times that are easier than others. The intentions on both of our sides is to be done. NC will be possible again in a few months.

 

not pussy footing. It was a decision that was made. Emotionally I was doing quite fine with it. These past couple weeks it became tough. yup, I lamented.

 

As for my manners. It's who I am. It's not a manipulative tool. I'm not blowing smile up anyone's arse. I'm not doing it to keep people coming back to support me. Its just me, and I like me. You don't need to.

[Shinebrightforever]

Grrrrr. Oh, all RIGHT then, but I'll just have to watch from the sidelines, squirm and keep my mouth shut.

 

I'm sorry, Shinebrightforever, and don't go away. I won't do that again. I promise. And don't worry that anyone will still be judging you. No, it didn't take much; I really do get it. It's about tolerance based on respect and understanding of how people change. I admit I'm intolerant, inflexible and uncharitable on the subject of infidelity, and when the possibility of it is still there, I can't be satisfied talking about increments of possibility.

 

Thanks, it's fine. I don't want to run away from rebuke anymore. I did earlier-it became too much. But I want to stay in. I'm a conflict avoider (no crap,right?) and prob give too much kindness at times. But that's who I am in my life. Not just on LS.

 

I respect your stance.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks also NewLeaf, Charger and Understand50. I know it's been a long while.

 

I'm not going back to MM. I promise you, your time and encouragement you have given me, I do not take for granted. It hasn't been in vain.

[kgcolonel]

Shine....wow....wonderful posts here. I have seen many individuals including close relatives who have "kicked a habit" (which is really where i see you now, in breaking a habitual support system in the OM) living one day, one hour at a time.

 

For what it's worth, your commitment to "not to back to MM" is awesome to hear the conviction in our voice. I believe your husband is going through something at the moment....can you go to him as ask him, what it is that he needs from you? This for me anyway would be a saving request if I felt isolated and alone as it sounds as if your H is currently.

 

Keep up the good work, we are here to both help and encourage you.

 

[turnera]

I don't want to run away from rebuke anymore. I did earlier-it became too much. But I want to stay in. I'm a conflict avoider (no crap,right?) and prob give too much kindness at times. But that's who I am in my life. Not just on LS.

One of the most important things my therapist ever told me was to seek out those things that I avoid - and take them on. CONQUER that fear of conflict. And the more times you do it, the more you learn you don't need to fear it.

[Shinebrightforever]

Shine....wow....wonderful posts here. I have seen many individuals including close relatives who have "kicked a habit" (which is really where i see you now, in breaking a habitual support system in the OM) living one day, one hour at a time.

 

For what it's worth, your commitment to "not to back to MM" is awesome to hear the conviction in our voice. I believe your husband is going through something at the moment....can you go to him as ask him, what it is that he needs from you? This for me anyway would be a saving request if I felt isolated and alone as it sounds as if your H is currently.

 

Keep up the good work, we are here to both help and encourage you.

 

 

Thanks for the kindness. Yes, I have asked my H how I can help him/what's up. He said he's depressed and isn't sure what he needs. He admitted he's isolating himself from others. He doesn't respond to texts, calls etc promptly, if at all. He has an appointment set with his doctor. Depression and mental illness runs in his family so we don't take signs like this lightly.