Syrialla Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Warning: Long post ahead because I don't know how to write succinctly. :S About two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. He was my first everything; first kiss, first intimate contact, first deep, romantic love. When we first met, I was 19 and he was 24, and he was one of the last people I would have considered dating at the time. I was very social and outgoing, a senior in high school, and he very quiet and shy, and yet I was still drawn to him despite feeling uncomfortable with his serious nature (I very much felt as if I didn't know how to handle his intensity of interest in me, as I still wasn't perfectly comfortable with myself and was used to the light, shallow interactions of high school). We spent a year getting to know each other over Facebook (a little weird, I know) while I lived my freshman year at college. When I came back for the summer, we hit off a pseudo-relationship - I didn't feel comfortable saying I was dating him because he still wasn't my "ideal guy" (which I know is a bull**** concept now), and my gut simultaneously said "yes!" and "no!" to him, but after months of derping around, I finally decided to date him the beginning of my sophomore year of college. The next two years, although not perfect, were wonderful and easily the best two years of my life. I found a bosom companion in my boyfriend; we both understood each other completely. He was kind, patient, nerdy and humorous, stable, a rock for when my anxiety and shifting emotions made me question who I was. He stabilized me as I slowly learned who I was and grew to love him more and more. However, that gut instinct that something was off would rear its head about every three to five months, and I'd spend a week wondering what the heck I was doing with this guy. Then one day I'd see him again and fall back in love with him all over again. Unfortunately, this summer (before my senior year of college) I spent a lot of time contemplating who I was and what I wanted in life, and that gut instinct came back again as I realized that I didn't want to marry my boyfriend. Now perhaps that is jumping to conclusions, but the fact that the instinct and doubts remained the same throughout our entire relationship was a huge red flag to me. I made the hardest decision of my life and broke up with him, my best friend, the one who understands me completely. I broke up because I felt like he doesn't deserve a girlfriend not 100% committed to him (something that we had talked about before, and he always said that he was glad to spend any time with me because he loved me so much to love me through times of doubts). I also broke up because I want to fully discover who I am and feel like I am a complete, whole, independent person. I want to feel like I can control my anxiety and shifting sense of self (I have never been the most emotionally stable person) without falling back on someone. However, I have doubts about breaking up such a good relationship with someone who was so amazingly kind, compassionate, and understanding of my emotional instability. After hearing stories about my other friends' relationships, I realized that we had one of the best relationships I've seen, and yet when I was in it I always felt like I wanted more and wanted to explore what else is out there (after I figured out myself). I have these two conflicting points of view going on right now, and I'm not sure if I'm making the right decision, especially after reading so many articles of people regretting dumping the "perfect/nice guy" years in the future. Do you guys have any advice or stories of your own that are similar to this? Am I making the dumbest mistake of my life? Right now I'm hurting very deeply, but some part of me feels like my reasons are sound. What do you think?
hunk Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 You are 21, you still have absolutely no idea what you want or need out of life and especially out of a relationship. You won't know for a good 4 or so more years. Your whole post can be summarized into the paragraph - I lost sexual interest in my boyfriend and became bored, I didn't choose for this to happen but it has happened because this is what happens in 99.9% of every relationship on the planet and i am angry and confused that it has happened because i can objectively see that this guy is a textbook "good boyfriend" but i can't help my feelings of wanting to be with other men This is nothing to be ashamed of. You are young and you're not consciously aware of these feelings so they seem alien and as if there's something wrong with you, and you start trying to justify them and passing your boredom and lack of attraction to your boyfriend as a problem of yours, when in reality it is simply how people, mostly women, are biologically "programmed". This guy simply stopped doing it for you. You got bored. That is fine. It is his fault. There's nothing more to it, you don't need some introspective revelation to try and justify how you feel. He wasn't doing it for you and the relationship run it's course. He is 26 and most probably is in devoted, committed, "settle-down" disney fantasy mode, and as a 21 year old girl this is naturally repulsive for any length of time beyond a few months. Don't blame yourself or feel bad. It was never going to work. He wasn't "the one", there isn't a "one", there are many men you will have different relationships with through your life and they will all mean something different and bring something different to your life. Take some time off and just enjoy yourself. Sleep with whoever you want, figure out the things you value and don't value in men and people in general. Don't beat yourself up over this you are too young, and this is going to happen many more times in the course of your life. 1
hunk Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 "I found a bosom companion in my boyfriend" Also the second I read this it was obvious the direction this post was going. You need to go out and have sex with other men. You need to have one night stands. You need to date a guy who treats you like garbage but keeps you sexually fascinated. This is the only way you will ever come to some sort of sense of knowing what you want out of your future relationships. There's no right way of doing anything here. You're not obligated to marry a nice, kind "bosom companion", nor a controlling insecure *******. You're not even obligated to get married. Let men in your life that you think will improve it and make you happy. Whether happiness is in the form of sexual gratification or mental stimulation. You don't need to promise your life to one man. Remember that.
Marc878 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 sounds like you did the right thing for him. If he's not what you're looking for there is no reason to waste both of your time/life on this. Time experience will tell. good luck 1
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