ScienceGal Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) Things feel different this time around. I don't know if it's because I am older (33) and want to settle down, or if it's because my last relationship was devoid of true intimacy. Perhaps both. But, I feel the strong pull to move on. I'm 9 days post break up, and I have given up on him coming back and wanting to reconcile. I had a big event today, and thought if he was going to reach out, it would've been today. He didn't. I need to let go. I feel that if I give myself a month, that should be enough. In early October, I want to start dating again; in fact, there's already someone I have in mind (friend of a friend, we've never met). I think it's important to have some space and clear my head. Does a month sound long enough? Edited September 13, 2015 by ScienceGal
shet Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I've taken 2 years to be able to move on again before. Everyone, and every instance of this in their life, is different.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 True. There are certain relationships that just wreck you. I've been there. I think this time I've been able to process on a logical level and it's helped on the emotional end. I miss him because he is a great person, but have accepted we are very different people who are not destined to be together romantically. I am also acknowledging the important pieces that were missing, and looking forward to finding them in a future relationship. The important things is that we learn and do better next time.
Under The Radar Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Your healing process and subsequent choice to re-enter the dating world is specific to you. No one here can tell you if one month is long enough to mourn the loss of your previous relationship. Yes, I think your age ...... and the dynamic in your past relationship ...... are contributing factors towards your thoughts about meeting new people earlier rather than later. It's true that hindsight is 20/20. So, learn what you can from the demise of your last relationship and look forward to the future. There is nothing wrong with meeting a friend of a friend and having a nice conversation or a friendly walk among the fall scenery. Meeting new people, with the potential to form meaningful connections, is one of the great things in life ...... regardless of it being platonic or romantic. 3
Jj66 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I will never truly move on from finding my fiancée in bed with my friend. That doesn't stop me from breaking other hearts though.
guild11 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 If you been in a serious relationship its hard to move on, you might have feelings left for your ex while you are already dating someone , its hard to build a new foundation all over again. I never suggest anyone to see love. Best thing is concetrating on your personal life and socialize until you meet your next crush.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 I will never truly move on from finding my fiancée in bed with my friend. That doesn't stop me from breaking other hearts though. That's awful. Sorry that happened to you! But, are you saying that you were hurt and your response is to hurt others?
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 The time to grieve is not measured on a calendar. You will be ready when you are ready. if you have decided that October is your time frame to move forward, do it. But if it feels off, take a step back. It's not always a linear process.
Jj66 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 That's awful. Sorry that happened to you! But, are you saying that you were hurt and your response is to hurt others? Not on purpose, but it's inevitable because I am not emotionally available on a very deep level. I try to date casually, but women fall for me and eventually want more than I am willing to give - even when they say they want casual- and then I end the relationship rather than wasting their time. I think there is a 3 month clock on my dating relationships now when my relationships used to last years. So maybe heartbreak is too strong a word, but I do leave a trail of little tears behind me now. I'm always the one doing the breaking up and I dread it every time.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Not on purpose, but it's inevitable because I am not emotionally available on a very deep level. I try to date casually, but women fall for me and eventually want more than I am willing to give - even when they say they want casual- and then I end the relationship rather than wasting their time. I think there is a 3 month clock on my dating relationships now when my relationships used to last years. So maybe heartbreak is too strong a word, but I do leave a trail of little tears behind me now. I'm always the one doing the breaking up and I dread it every time. Well, if you're straight with them in the beginning (which it sounds like you are), then that's all you can do. If their needs change, that's there deal. I do hope you heal and are able to find another relationship in the future (since that's a dynamic that once brought you happiness).
Author ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 The guy I said I have in mind messaged me this morning. I thought our mutual friend had only talked to me about him… but apparently he also talked to him about me. Not sure if he told him I am not looking to date right now. He asked how my weekend was. I answered and asked how his was. I'm sure it will get to a discussion on dating and I will just be straight with him. I don't want to jump into anything. (But, I also don't want to pass in a good guy). One of my best friends' fiancée also knows this guy from years ago and said he and his family are all great people. I am bad at this.
bluefeather Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 How fast do you heal? When 2 people get a cold at the same time, they can become healthy on different days. It's up to their immune system and/or their reaction to drugs that they might take. I can tell you that I don't think 1 month is long enough for me. But if tomorrow, I fall in love, I may tell you a different story.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Not on purpose, but it's inevitable because I am not emotionally available on a very deep level. I try to date casually, but women fall for me and eventually want more than I am willing to give - even when they say they want casual- and then I end the relationship rather than wasting their time. I think there is a 3 month clock on my dating relationships now when my relationships used to last years. So maybe heartbreak is too strong a word, but I do leave a trail of little tears behind me now. I'm always the one doing the breaking up and I dread it every time.This statement is so arrogant and ridiculous that it's laughable. A trail of tears behind you? Get over yourself, friend.
crosswordfiend Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 The guy I said I have in mind messaged me this morning. I thought our mutual friend had only talked to me about him… but apparently he also talked to him about me. Not sure if he told him I am not looking to date right now. He asked how my weekend was. I answered and asked how his was. I'm sure it will get to a discussion on dating and I will just be straight with him. I don't want to jump into anything. (But, I also don't want to pass in a good guy). One of my best friends' fiancée also knows this guy from years ago and said he and his family are all great people. I am bad at this. I would also recommend not building up expectations about someone that you've never met in person. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 Do you want to have children? I always thought I would have 1-2 kids. Now that I am nearly 34, I'm not sure how realistic that is. I know I still have time, but it's not something I am going to rush in to. And, I don't want to be a single mom, so having the right partner is necessary. I've made peace with the fact that it might not happen for me.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 I would also recommend not building up expectations about someone that you've never met in person. Yes, good point. I found myself getting a little excited/optimistic, and I really shouldn't. I need to take at least the minimum space I said I would. It's important to be alone and clear my mind. Also, reconnecting with friends.
Author ScienceGal Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 How fast do you heal? When 2 people get a cold at the same time, they can become healthy on different days. It's up to their immune system and/or their reaction to drugs that they might take. I can tell you that I don't think 1 month is long enough for me. But if tomorrow, I fall in love, I may tell you a different story. Well, I haven't been sick in many years. I think I'm a medical marvel! As for relationships, I had one that absolutely gutted me. It took me over a year to truly move on, and even longer to really let go. Other times, it's been a month to several. I find going back to the final "breakup" conversation and remembering the actual words spoken helps me to remember that it's over and why. I always go through the "maybe they'll come back", but only for a couple weeks. And, in the end, I'm always happy that they didn't come back. 2
candie13 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 it depends on how long the RS was and how involved you were in it. I'm generally good after a month or so, if the RS lasted a few months. If I had the hots for the dude or if the break up was particularly difficult, longer. Dating helps a lot the healing process, it speeds it up, but it doesn't make it happen over night. I do agree that the first few guys you see after a longer RS are gonna get burnt... because most likely you're not there yet... Last time I broke up with a dude, I had a date the second week after the break up. It was a good date, but I was very very much unprepared. Started dating again a month later. Saw a few guys and then realized I was emotionally blocked. Stopped dating and worked on myself a bit more and then starting dating again... I feel much better now, refreshed . I'm glad I've given myself time. 1
Author ScienceGal Posted September 20, 2015 Author Posted September 20, 2015 My relationship was almost 2 years, but lacked real intimacy. It's something I value and have missed/longed for. But, I do miss his companionship. I still feel a void. I feel sad and hurt. I guess I have some waiting to do. Stating one month gave me a goal, it gave me something to look foraward to. I just want out of this awful feeling. I'll plan to reassess after a month NC and see how I feel then.
losangelena Posted September 20, 2015 Posted September 20, 2015 SG, I'm just now reading this thread. It sounds so similar to my just-ended relationship. Close, but no true intimacy. It's only been a week and I still miss him sometimes, but at the same time I feel oddly OK, almost like the last year didn't even happen. Keep us posted on what you decide to do, dating-wise.
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