Protec Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Sometimes the dumper is really the dumpee. For example, a girl dumps a guy when she found out he's been cheating on her. I don't know the details of your break up. Often when the dumper can't let go, it's because they felt they had no choice but to end it. Well, when my ex-gf hopped on train and left me, she treated me like i had dumped her. She sent me the text message from 600km away "it's over!" She tried to make me jealous, sending selfies of her body...etc. Why? What makes a person to act like that?
Maggie4 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Then they're immature and need to grow up. Again, not the dumpee's problem. I did answer the OP's question.
Maggie4 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Well, when my ex-gf hopped on train and left me, she treated me like i had dumped her. She sent me the text message from 600km away "it's over!" She tried to make me jealous, sending selfies of her body...etc. Why? What makes a person to act like that? Probably because she felt you didn't love her as much, and since she couldn't change you, she had to leave, with bitterness. But it was not an ideal situation for her. Usually when this happens, the man is not very upset, and doesn't pursue to get her back. But when a woman dumps someone that loves her, to be with another man, then the ex-bf wants to win her back.
Maggie4 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 She claims I was unreliable and didn't put her first. I was never abusive, never cheated, in 7 months we never had so much as an argument. She has a lot of fears and insecurities. Her new partner is 20 years older than her. Tbh I think she was lining him up whilst we were together but she'd never admit that. I just find it strange how she can't let me go. You probably have many qualities she loved. And it's natural to still have feelings, even when you both know it will never work out. You might say if she's a decent person, then she should leave you alone. But then you can always just not respond, if you really want the contacts to stop.
Maggie4 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Maggie, I wouldn't pay attention to this. Sometimes the dumper is forced to end things due to the apethetic nature of the supposed dumpee. Some supposed "dumpees" will slowly distance themselves from the relationship, only putting in minimal effort for a decent partner to help look like the grieved party when the "dumper" is forced to make the final, tough, and hard choice. In no way are ALL dumpers "immature" nor do they need to always "grow up" when they make their decision. Every situation is quite different. It's ok... I understand... wasn't talking about myself, nor was I defending dumpers lest I be stoned to death in the breakup section of the forum.
Author oman0115 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Posted November 30, 2015 You probably have many qualities she loved. And it's natural to still have feelings, even when you both know it will never work out. You might say if she's a decent person, then she should leave you alone. But then you can always just not respond, if you really want the contacts to stop. I would like to think so. We always enjoyed each other's company and had a great time. The fact that she's flaky now is what I find strange. If we were going to be friends Id expect to meet up as friends but she can't handle it for some reason
Author oman0115 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Please can anyone give me some advice I'm really struggling here. We broke up in June but I never really recovered, did the friends thing for two months but then found out she had a boyfriend that she kept secret. I was devastated and asked for some space. We got back in touch 4 months ago, and gradually ive been trying to withdraw from the situation without having the balls to just cut her out. Every week or so she contacts me to check in, but it doesn't feel like a friendship and we barely even meet. She Ives with another man and I think they're buying a house together. I tried to say we shouldn't talk anymore and I asked to meet up to discuss it one last time. She acts oblivious as to why I feel like this. Surely she must recognise I have feelings and realise why. She says she's confused and can't meet up to discuss it. I don't want to end on a sour note, I care about her and I think she cares about me just doesn't love me. She wants to meet in a few weeks time but to me that's more hanging around to get closure, what do I do??
basil67 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Cut her off. Seriously - if she wanted you in her life, she's still be with you.
Author oman0115 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Cut her off. Seriously - if she wanted you in her life, she's still be with you. She wants me to be a friend to her, discuss our new relationships etc. I strugggle with that and find it awkward.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Please can anyone give me some advice I'm really struggling here. We broke up in June but I never really recovered, did the friends thing for two months but then found out she had a boyfriend that she kept secret. I was devastated and asked for some space. "Asking for space" is utterly pointless. It just means - "leave me alone with my pain, but please reconnect at some future point, because my fragile heart will need smashing to pieces again, and you need to keep grinding it down to a powder." It basically gives them carte blanche to keep smacking you in the head with a 5lb cast-iron skillet. We got back in touch 4 months ago, and gradually ive been trying to withdraw from the situation without having the balls to just cut her out. OK. "We got back in touch 4 months ago...." Really? Seriously...?! Suddenly, by some stint of miracle, you both, simultaneously at precisely the same instant, re-contacted one another? Wowww..... I don't think so.... Who exactly, started the contact 4 months ago? Every week or so she contacts me to check in, but it doesn't feel like a friendship and we barely even meet. She Ives with another man and I think they're buying a house together. I tried to say we shouldn't talk anymore and I asked to meet up to discuss it one last time. Why? That wouldn't give you closure. And meeting up would just wrench your heart out through your eyeballs, and make your nose bleed razor blades.... Why would you want to deliberately subject yourself to more hurt? She acts oblivious as to why I feel like this. Surely she must recognise I have feelings and realise why. She says she's confused and can't meet up to discuss it. You don't get it, do you? She is desperate to plant you in her freiwnd-zone field. Just change the whole dynamic between you two, to 'platonic'. This does two things: ONE: It makes breaking up with you ok, because if you're her friend, then everything is ok, And TWO: It relieves her guilt and she doesn't feel so bad about having dumped you and found someone else, because if you're her buddy, she's forgiven, and everything's ok. But you - you won't play 'by the rules'. You still love her, and that makes her connection with her awkward, uncomfortable and uneasy (for her) because she's not getting the desired result. I don't want to end on a sour note, I care about her and I think she cares about me just doesn't love me. She wants to meet in a few weeks time but to me that's more hanging around to get closure, what do I do?? You KNOW what you NEED to do. You need to go total, complete, NO CONTACT. Immediately. No holds barred, right across the board, no ifs buts or maybes. But you won't because you haven't finished the needy/clingy/desperate stage yet. The puppy eyes and hang-dog sense of woe isn't done yet. You need to get past that, before you can commit to self-respect and dignity, and do precisely what you need to do. Disappear, move on, and never look back, for anything. 2
Author oman0115 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 I know there's not a one size fits all way of looking at break ups, but I have been borderlinne obsessed over mine and have noticed from reading sites like this that nearly all follow the same path. A bit of background I got dumped in the summer, I begged and pleaded and basically made myself look like a weak guy in front of her. This was my first big mistake. You see my ex, although at the time I thought the world of her saw this weakness and has since had the upper hand and has been sucking the life out of me. If your GF is the kind who craves attention, don't agree to be friends she will use you as an emotional tampon. Second mistake, remaining friends. Now I can't blame her totally here, whilst she knew full well it's not what I wanted I have to take some blame for being deceitful. It was friendship under the guise of gewtting back together. Outside of our relationship our paths didn't cross so I could've easily had a clean break. During our period of 'friendship' she lead me on big time. Suggestive snapchatts, I miss you texts, staring into each others eyes, touching that never went anywhere. I've always been the dumper, and IMO in a nice way, when it's done I say that as nicely as possible I don't want to hurt anyone. Some women use you and string you along because they're insecure. Make no mistake they don't want you in their lives, they've just decided to cut you out but you offer some value. This was going on for just under two months whilst she was secretly with someone else! She claims she didn't want to hurt me but she was keeping her options open, and using me for attention. Third mistake, not knowing when it's done. We stayed in contact whilst with other people but it wasn't a proper friendship, she'd never meet, we'd text every week or so for some weird catch up. She was the instigator all the time. I recieved holiday messages littered with kisses, recently she's been reminiscing the past. I've been going out of my mind thinking does she have feeling, does she keep in tocuh because she wwants another go, but I don't think it's that. At best I'm a back up plan, at worse she's sucking the life out of me because she is a weak person and getts of on the impression two men are pining over her! I write this whilst fully knowing I still have feeling for the girl, but I realise what's what now and I'm going and have been doing NC. Not saying I won't crack but I hope I don't. It's been a long hard learning curve, and any guys just been dumped can probablty get a lot from my experience. Trust me I've obsessed over it and sadly what's happened to me is identical to so many peoples experince. I hope it can be of help and encourage people to go NC, for your self respect, recovery & bloody mindedness. With some it's a big game destroying someones emotionns for their own gain, don't let them win!! 1
Dashottcalla Posted January 7, 2016 Posted January 7, 2016 Thanks for your post and good luck with your NC. I too am dealing with a breakup. She also said she would like to still be friends but I haven't heard from her in days and I decided that NC was the best option until I broke it yesterday when she invited to her sons bday party next weekend. I'm not sure if that was a mistake to break my NC.
Author oman0115 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Posted January 7, 2016 Thanks for your post and good luck with your NC. I too am dealing with a breakup. She also said she would like to still be friends but I haven't heard from her in days and I decided that NC was the best option until I broke it yesterday when she invited to her sons bday party next weekend. I'm not sure if that was a mistake to break my NC. Did you agree to go? How close are you to the son? NC is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I've broken it so many times. My ex has a way of tapping into my thoughts, she knows how to push my buttons and get a reaction, be wary of this. It's a long hard road, I've bored family and friends stiff talking about my break up and I'm grateful I have so many good people to talk to. Use friends to get you through, and watch out for the tell tale signs she's not really interested. * Needs space * Not ready for a relationship right now * Won't discuss the break up in depth * Arranges to meet then cancels * Contacts mainly by text * ( if she starts dating someone else and doesn't tell you ) She'll give you way to much detail about what she's done and who she's been with to cover up the truth. As soon as you sense you're being used get the hell out of there. I'm trying to be strong and make sure I don't get sucked into her needy, insecure existance.
Author oman0115 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Posted January 19, 2016 I'm pretty much over my ex, it's taken a while but I now not dislike her, but feel indifferent to an extent. I don't think she realises this, every 2 - 3 weeks she gets in touch to check in. This week I had a snapchat which was just a photo of her face. Presumably she wants me to know she's still there. What is this about? I laughed at it and have told friends who have also had a giggle too. She's in a relationship which makes it funnier, needy and insecure girl. What's the funniest attempt at reaching out from a dumper anyone else has experienced?
Blanco Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 I'm pretty much over my ex, it's taken a while but I now not dislike her, but feel indifferent to an extent. I don't think she realises this, every 2 - 3 weeks she gets in touch to check in. This week I had a snapchat which was just a photo of her face. Presumably she wants me to know she's still there. What is this about? I laughed at it and have told friends who have also had a giggle too. She's in a relationship which makes it funnier, needy and insecure girl. What's the funniest attempt at reaching out from a dumper anyone else has experienced? First, congratulations for reaching indifference. Quite a few people miss that it's indifference that they should desire, not dislike or hatred of an ex. Once you're mostly indifferent, you know you are free to move about your life without the burden of the expired relationship weighing on you. As to your main point, I'd say it's mostly for their reassurance. Some may genuinely want a friendship or at least some open line of communication. To them, you were important in their lives and they dislike the idea of being total strangers. Others may just like knowing that they still have someone on the backburner in case their options dry up. There's no definitive answer. Mine has reached out a couple times in the last couple months, seemingly to re-establish some sort of platonic relationship. I'm not interested in that, so I've mostly given her the brush off. Like your ex, she is in a relationship (and has been for nearly a year), so it's a boundary issue I don't care to deal with on top of everything else. I woke up to a couple texts from her a little while back. One was a "Remember when" type deal and the other was asking if she could ask me something and get a real response. Who knows why, but it's ultimately not important or helpful to our further recovery.
thekarmacist Posted January 19, 2016 Posted January 19, 2016 just yesterday, my ex wrote to my mother to say goodbye. manipulative much?
BonerFide Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 (edited) I'm pretty much over my ex, it's taken a while but I now not dislike her, but feel indifferent to an extent. I don't think she realises this, every 2 - 3 weeks she gets in touch to check in. This week I had a snapchat which was just a photo of her face. Presumably she wants me to know she's still there. What is this about? I laughed at it and have told friends who have also had a giggle too. She's in a relationship which makes it funnier, needy and insecure girl. What's the funniest attempt at reaching out from a dumper anyone else has experienced? Good job at reaching indifference! I personally reached a kind of bemused indifference (wherein I feel largely indifferent, but I have to see him most days due to being on the same campus which is still weird when our paths accidentally cross). We were strict NC after the BU but one thing I found funny was how my friends reported he unfollowed them as they posted any group pictures that I was in; like a stack of dominos, whenever a picture of me would be posted, he would unfollow the poster. I never got why he didn't just unfollow all of my friends at once if he was going to do it at all. He also went from staring at me awkwardly whenever he saw me to going straight into a new relationship. I completely anticipated this cause he jumped from relationship to relationship before me and old habits die hard. Now the new girl stares at me and sent me a FR on Facebook. LOL. Edited January 21, 2016 by BonerFide grammar
Author oman0115 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Posted January 27, 2016 Having been a mug for the best part of 5 months and sitting around waiting and looking forward to breadcrumbs I realised before christmas that was all it was. My ex is deeply narcissistic and requires ego boosts from myself and I dare say multiple guys despite being currently in a relationship. It came to ahead this week I challenged her over an inappropriate snapchat and a late night 'thinking about you text' I told her to get her attention supply elsewhere. She hit the roof. Apparently the breadcrumbs are natural things she does with friends, it's my fault for reading into them. She was generally behaving like a cornered dog and deeply defensive blaming everything on me. I've asekd for months for her to leeave me alone but she periodically comes back for her fix of attentionn, and tbh up until the last two months I've been relying on the breadcrumbs. Don't fall for games, being strung along and used. It sometimes takes a while to realise it but partnerrs you loved love to keep you in a hopeless place so you can't move on whilst they do. Horrible behaviour but if you play their game it won't stop... 1
sowhynot Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 Sometimes, some things need to be said. Now you just need to completely block and move on !
Neffer Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 I think the biggest thing is to look at actions, not words. They always tell the truth. (Unlike exes) Stringing heartbroken people along for an ego boost is really unforgivable. But..you dodged a bullet there; her behaviour will never change. Narcissistic types are what they are - they don't change. She will repeat it over and over, but luckily not with you. You sound resolved to move on completely, eyes wide open. Good for you
Blanco Posted January 27, 2016 Posted January 27, 2016 It's not a bad thing if you limit it to a one-off situation with no expectation that you're actually going to alter your ex's view of things. If they are actually narcissists, then it's an exercise in futility to give them a piece of your mind if you think it's going to have much effect. Some things have come to light recently about my own ex and it's tempting to tell her off. But she's exhibited an astonishing lack of empathy for me, dating back to the early months of our relationship. To confront her would be a waste of time. Since I am not forced to deal with her in any capacity anymore, it makes more sense to just shake my head and carry on.
YWGMan Posted January 28, 2016 Posted January 28, 2016 It's not a bad thing if you limit it to a one-off situation with no expectation that you're actually going to alter your ex's view of things. If they are actually narcissists, then it's an exercise in futility to give them a piece of your mind if you think it's going to have much effect. Some things have come to light recently about my own ex and it's tempting to tell her off. But she's exhibited an astonishing lack of empathy for me, dating back to the early months of our relationship. To confront her would be a waste of time. Since I am not forced to deal with her in any capacity anymore, it makes more sense to just shake my head and carry on. Very well said blanco.
Author oman0115 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Posted January 28, 2016 It's not a bad thing if you limit it to a one-off situation with no expectation that you're actually going to alter your ex's view of things. If they are actually narcissists, then it's an exercise in futility to give them a piece of your mind if you think it's going to have much effect. Some things have come to light recently about my own ex and it's tempting to tell her off. But she's exhibited an astonishing lack of empathy for me, dating back to the early months of our relationship. To confront her would be a waste of time. Since I am not forced to deal with her in any capacity anymore, it makes more sense to just shake my head and carry on. I agree with all of this, and tbh I'm not sure if she'll take on board what I said. I'm not a psychologist but her backpeddling, denying and twisting of facts suggests she either is aware of her behaviour or so oblivious to it she's delude on a level I've never encountered before. In reality it was for me not her, I still care deeply for her for some reason and hope she ggrows up but I had to put a marker down that said she's no longer welcome to F with me. I've just started seeing someone who I think is great, her reappearing just sets me back and hinders my chances of a new relationship developing...
Author oman0115 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 After finally this year getting the courage to tell my ex who I loved ( who had me Friendzoned for 6 months ) that texting me and keeping me hanging when she is with a new guy is confusing, and should stop if she's not interested romantically. I think I find someone else who seems cool, and we have good chemistry, only for that to be taken away because randomly she tells me she has feelings for her ex! Now I'm grieving her, and all the issues with the ex have resurfaced. Double whammy! Is it really worth dating if you're not 100% over your previous relationship? I know from the stand point of moving on people recommend it, but if it goes wrong it just makes you feel so much worse! Any advice, do I even bother chasing the new one or just let it go. Feeling pretty low right now.
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Let it go. Make a distinct point of being determined to NOT date for at least 6 months. You'll find someone in no time......
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