oman0115 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Following my break up the ex and I decided we should probably have space to think. She's with someone now and I'm trying to move on also. Six says into it she sent me a message saying she's hurt and needs space before talking ( she dumped me ) so I agreed. Five days after she sent me a message saying she misses chatting. I fell right into it and before I knew it we were arranging a meal and drinks and communicating as before. A few says after all this I had a bit of a breakdown and hit the bottle, the end result was a text saying I love her and if she can't be with me she needs to be patient whilst I recover. Truth is I want her back, but worried this moment of weakness ensures that'll never ever happen. I love her but twice she's broken NC but claims to care and not want a relationship. Why wouldn't she leave me alone I was doing ok but saying she missed me killed me inside. How do I proceed? Right now I want her in my life, she said she'll wait until I want to talk should I leave her all together. Or take a few weeks breathing space. I'd hoped she'd miss me to think about us getting back together but now I think I've ruined any chance of that
dyna85 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You haven't ruined anything. You're human and you expressed how you felt, just as she did. It's no biggie. You have a heart, you're not a robot, so what you did is fine. Just go back to mending your heart and focusing on yourself. Just make sure next time you drink though you have a friend take your phone or you hide it or something because drinking will definitely trigger you to want to break no contact. It can cause all of the feelings to rise to the surface and your lack of inhibitions from the alcohol may cause you to do something you may later wish you had not done.
Author oman0115 Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 You haven't ruined anything. You're human and you expressed how you felt, just as she did. It's no biggie. You have a heart, you're not a robot, so what you did is fine. Just go back to mending your heart and focusing on yourself. Just make sure next time you drink though you have a friend take your phone or you hide it or something because drinking will definitely trigger you to want to break no contact. It can cause all of the feelings to rise to the surface and your lack of inhibitions from the alcohol may cause you to do something you may later wish you had not done. I feel like I expressed to much, showed my hand to much and she probably sees me being needy again. I'm not sure whether it's a control for her or she has feelings for me. Dinner and drinks with your ex when you're in a new relationship seems weird to me, very confusing and I kind of lost it. So annoyed with myself..
thunder777 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 dude 6 days after a break up she is already banging someone else shes been intimate with another man touching & kissing all his bits sure it might have been a rebound, but gross do you really wanna be touching that now she threw you in the garbage and now has gone out to the bin to recycle you dont be treated like that. tell her to piss off 2
dyna85 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) I feel like I expressed to much, showed my hand to much and she probably sees me being needy again. I'm not sure whether it's a control for her or she has feelings for me. Dinner and drinks with your ex when you're in a new relationship seems weird to me, very confusing and I kind of lost it. So annoyed with myself.. You didn't express too much. I missed the part about her being with someone now, but it's understandable that you let your feelings slip and entered bad territory by contacting her. This can happen when alcohol is involved. Just get back on the wagon. You're allowed to mess up because you're human. It's a good thing this happened sooner rather than later down the road. It's only been a few days. So what you expressed yourself? Also, she kind of egged you on a little by messaging you that she missed you, so consider it a wash. Don't beat yourself up for it. You live and learn. Just from now on, stay away from the phone if you must. She's not worth it. The fact that she is with someone and still pulling at your heart strings shows that she is being selfish. Consider it a weak moment and move on from it. We've all been there. Also, it's not even a weak moment since you were telling her the truth. You're right that she shouldn't be messing with your feelings and had a right to take a stand against it. What you said was genuine and real and protective of yourself as you should be. Nothing wrong with it. Edited September 13, 2015 by dyna85 1
Author oman0115 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 dude 6 days after a break up she is already banging someone else shes been intimate with another man touching & kissing all his bits sure it might have been a rebound, but gross do you really wanna be touching that now she threw you in the garbage and now has gone out to the bin to recycle you dont be treated like that. tell her to piss off Sorry ive not been totally clear. We split two months ago but she's not let me go. We've both seen other people but seem drawn to each other. I've suggested we no longer talk 3 times now, this is the first time I've been strong enough to say if there's any contact I have to initiate it. I don't think we've heard the last of each other. Just need to tough it out!
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 You don't have to answer her calls or respond to her messages. Just because she's reaching out doesn't mean you have to be there. If you want to reconcile you have to talk. If you are done be done & block her so you aren't even tempted.
Author oman0115 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 Just want to gauge other peoples expperiences with mixed messages from dumpers. I got dumper in June, she moved on pretty damn quick and was in a full on relationship by August, breaking up some other womans relationship in the process. Sadly we can't seem to let each other go, I am in a relationship now and I know it's not fair to maintain contact with my ex. The strange things are for me : * I've tried no contact several times but she can't go a week without getting in touch * She wants to meet up but then panics and backs out * Always sends kisses on texts * Evidently stalks my Facebook ( whenever I put something of interest on she commennts ) * Hides the fact that she speaks to me from her boyfriend. I didn't want to do the blocking, deleting thing, but in reality friends doesn't work with exs does it? Every contact invariably gives you hope. I sense confusion on her part too. Is it fair to say from peoples experience that once exs move on you don't hear again? Or do you get some who just play games. In my head I tend to tell myself she's still interested. But in reality I know reconcillation is very unlikely...
PegNosePete Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 * I've tried no contact several times but she can't go a week without getting in touch You obviously didn't do it properly if you responded. I didn't want to do the blocking, deleting thing Why not? in reality friends doesn't work with exs does it? One of my mates is best friends with his ex and her husband. It can work, but only if there's no feelings left on either side. It doesn't sound as though you're there yet. It's not fair on your new GF to be putting her in this position. You're effectively cheating on her emotionally. It takes 2 to play games. The only way to win is not to play.
VeveCakes Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Sounds like she has moved on but wants to make sure you don't forget her. I would go back to NC and forget her altogether...
Meli22 Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I echo the above, she doesn't want you to forget her. You need to block and delete her, or at least completely ignore her if she continues. That's the only way to truly move on.
Author oman0115 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 Sounds like she has moved on but wants to make sure you don't forget her. I would go back to NC and forget her altogether... Why do they do this? Seems cruel!
VeveCakes Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Why do they do this? Seems cruel! Self validation. People love knowing the person whose heart they broke will never move on. It's sick really, and an immature emotional state.
mightycpa Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Why do they do this? Seems cruel! Insecurity. They suspect you WILL forget them unless they do something about it.
Silver_star Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 I wonder why they do this too. They have problems letting go, and yet it was THEIR choice to let you go. It's so frustrating. They don't want to get back together or be with you,but they don't want to completely let you be free either. It's unfair. It's true that by going NC (including removing them from your social media streams) you can get some REAL space from them to move on in peace. Actions speak louder than words. They chose to break up with you. They can't keep stringing you along for selfish reasons. If a friendship is possible, there needs to be time and space AWAY, not just physical space, but mental and emotional space too. Take control of the situation and do not respond to them anymore.
Wewon Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 Having been on both sides as dumper/dumpee I have very little sympathy for the dumper and their concerns, worrys or separation anxieties. They were the one that made a measured decision, weighing the pros and cons of the situation before calling it quits. The dumpee is the one left scrambling, doing introspection and going through the ugliest parts of the grieving process (bargaining, denial etc). You should cut contact out of respect for yourself and you new SO. From the way you described her, she would do whatever would work best for her with little to no regard for how it will impact you or anyone else. 3
antimanchild Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Sounds incredibly selfish. She commits to the guy she actually wants but has the pleasure of knowing you will take her back because you keep responding. Force her to live with her consequences and go full NC. Maybe that will help her realize what a fool she's being and even leave her relationship. But really, she sounds so selfish. Cut her loose.
Maggie4 Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Sometimes the dumper is really the dumpee. For example, a girl dumps a guy when she found out he's been cheating on her. I don't know the details of your break up. Often when the dumper can't let go, it's because they felt they had no choice but to end it.
Wewon Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 Sometimes the dumper is really the dumpee. For example, a girl dumps a guy when she found out he's been cheating on her. I don't know the details of your break up. Often when the dumper can't let go, it's because they felt they had no choice but to end it. Then they're immature and need to grow up. Again, not the dumpee's problem.
Author oman0115 Posted November 28, 2015 Author Posted November 28, 2015 Sometimes the dumper is really the dumpee. For example, a girl dumps a guy when she found out he's been cheating on her. I don't know the details of your break up. Often when the dumper can't let go, it's because they felt they had no choice but to end it. She claims I was unreliable and didn't put her first. I was never abusive, never cheated, in 7 months we never had so much as an argument. She has a lot of fears and insecurities. Her new partner is 20 years older than her. Tbh I think she was lining him up whilst we were together but she'd never admit that. I just find it strange how she can't let me go.
fireflywy Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Then they're immature and need to grow up. Again, not the dumpee's problem. Maggie, I wouldn't pay attention to this. Sometimes the dumper is forced to end things due to the apethetic nature of the supposed dumpee. Some supposed "dumpees" will slowly distance themselves from the relationship, only putting in minimal effort for a decent partner to help look like the grieved party when the "dumper" is forced to make the final, tough, and hard choice. In no way are ALL dumpers "immature" nor do they need to always "grow up" when they make their decision. Every situation is quite different.
jack237 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 When a dumper doesnt move on, its a tell tale sign of either Covert Narcissism or they dont know what they want. Dont let people play with your heart. And dont play with others. Love, or broken love, can change a persons life, shatter it, forever. The song Love The Way You Lie by Eminem is a perfect example of not being able to leave a toxic relationship.
Wewon Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Maggie, I wouldn't pay attention to this. Sometimes the dumper is forced to end things due to the apethetic nature of the supposed dumpee. Some supposed "dumpees" will slowly distance themselves from the relationship, only putting in minimal effort for a decent partner to help look like the grieved party when the "dumper" is forced to make the final, tough, and hard choice. In no way are ALL dumpers "immature" nor do they need to always "grow up" when they make their decision. Every situation is quite different. Please get it right instead of exaggerating for dramatic effect. I never said that ALL dumpers were immature (surely you saw that). But when a person dumps someone they move on, its immature to keep a hook in the dumpee just for the attention.
mightycpa Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Sometimes the dumper is forced to end thingsof course, in this case, in spirit, the dumper is the dumpee. In fact, both may feel like dumpees in many respects, which is a clear sign that they shouldn't be together. A dumper, in my view, is the person who accepts you for who you are, and decides they don't love you. If somebody breaks up with you because you're "too this" or "too that", then that seems different. They want you, but on their own terms, if only you'd shape up. A dumper just plain doesn't want you, no matter what you do. It's a distinction I make, I'm not sure everybody does. 1
Meli22 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 of course, in this case, in spirit, the dumper is the dumpee. In fact, both may feel like dumpees in many respects, which is a clear sign that they shouldn't be together. A dumper, in my view, is the person who accepts you for who you are, and decides they don't love you. If somebody breaks up with you because you're "too this" or "too that", then that seems different. They want you, but on their own terms, if only you'd shape up. A dumper just plain doesn't want you, no matter what you do. It's a distinction I make, I'm not sure everybody does. This completely. My last relationship ended because my ex didn't feel a spark anymore and couldn't decide what he wanted. He wanted the spark back but he didn't have the motivation to break the rut. So I ended it because I was tired of how he was treating me. I wouldn't call myself the "dumper" though.
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