minimariah Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 read this article today -- I have never turned heads: What it's like when you're not the object of desire - Salon.com & i was intrigued by this part --- My husband is honest enough to say that he has never found my body particularly desirable, but still he asked me out on our first date three years ago because he found my way of being in the world, my sense of humor and my intelligence, sexy. my question is -- if your partner told you this... would that be a problem to you? would it bother you knowing that, while your partner admires and loves your personality, doesn't think you're beautiful? that, while he loves you and is devoted to you, doesn't burn with the sexual desire for you? are relationships like the one described in the article doomed from the start or can they really pass the test of time AND last?
BlueBlood Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Yeah that would bother me. I want both, someone to think I'm pretty/attractive/physically pleasing as well as to think my heart, mind, and spirit are great. I'd be mortified to think my lover found my body blah or something to endure... 6
craw Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) Edit: I just read the article and its the biggest pile of [] fiction. Edited September 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author minimariah Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) right...? i'm reading this and having a really hard time believing the author that she is truly happy in a relationship like that. Edited September 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Massive problem, yeah. One of my exes, although he never said that outright, whenever we had an argument or after a rough patch, would remind me in sometimes suble, sometimes less subtle words that I didn't look like his all his previous exes who were all Megan Fox lookelikes (I met a couple and they were stunningly beautiful, in all fairness). I started developing self-esteem issues that I never had as I've always been fairly confident, and it would play on my mind in an unhealthy way. I left, naturally. My BF always compliments me at the most random times (as do I) and my self-esteem is back on track. Most of us are already aware of our shortcomings, we don't really need to be reminded of them by the one person who's meant to love us no matter what, IMO. 4
Haydn Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Massive problem, yeah. One of my exes, although he never said that outright, whenever we had an argument or after a rough patch, would remind me in sometimes suble, sometimes less subtle words that I didn't look like his all his previous exes who were all Megan Fox lookelikes (I met a couple and they were stunningly beautiful, in all fairness). I started developing self-esteem issues that I never had as I've always been fairly confident, and it would play on my mind in an unhealthy way. I left, naturally. My BF always compliments me at the most random times (as do I) and my self-esteem is back on track. Most of us are already aware of our shortcomings, we don't really need to be reminded of them by the one person who's meant to love us no matter what, IMO. Random compliments are so good. 6.30 in the morning.... `You look so fine` 4
Got it Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 No, that wouldn't work for me. It is a major part of loving the person; being attracted to them. 1
jen1447 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I think there's a huge grey area in the center of this. Attraction and "being desireable" are largely informed by the other elements of attraction. Meaning that the appeal of a person's intellect forex tends to make all of that person more attractive, including their body. I'd be suspicious of someone's supposed love overall who said they weren't attracted to my body for that reason. It's a slippery slope over on the more objective side as well. Is an obese person who you could say has an objectively unattractive body forever doomed to lovelessness bc they applied the same standards of their partner admitting that being a problem? Or are they obligated to buy into a lie, etc.? 3
autumnnight Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Honestly, I have to wonder if the man in question had Aspergers or had just never lived among humans or something.....seriously. 2
writergal Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Yeah, that article is pure fiction on account of its writer's imagination. If a guy I'm dating criticized my appearance I give him the SNL flight attendant "buh-bye" as I scoot him out the door and out of my life. No way in hell do I want to date a guy who doesn't find me attractive. And yeah, attraction is subjective. To each his/her own. But if you're not physically attracted to your partner then you're fooling yourself and leading your partner on unfairly. I would not marry a man who is repulsed by my physical appearance, much less date him. 3
newmoon Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 there is a book in my collection called Why Men Won't Commit and one of the things the author mentions to stay away from is a man who isn't generous with compliments about your body, your hair, your look, or whatever... the chances he will marry you is extremely low, and if he does marry you, he isn't truly in love with you. if they aren't attracted to you physically - HUGE problem imo, and it's not love, and not a relationship i'd ever stay in. doomed. 2
writergal Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 there is a book in my collection called Why Men Won't Commit and one of the things the author mentions to stay away from is a man who isn't generous with compliments about your body, your hair, your look, or whatever... the chances he will marry you is extremely low, and if he does marry you, he isn't truly in love with you. if they aren't attracted to you physically - HUGE problem imo, and it's not love, and not a relationship i'd ever stay in. doomed. ^^This. Exactly. If he or she isn't telling you how beautiful you are, even when you look your worst, then he/she isn't genuinely attracted to you and not someone you want to invest in. 2
No Limit Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It would be a problem for me 'cause it would make me wonder how he will compensate the lack of attraction in the future. It's nearly a 100% promise of future infidelity, plus nobody wants to be 2nd choice. It would also make me doubt my partner's strength - is he that afraid of talking to women he actually likes so instead he'd settle for me just so he's not alone? Big no-go. 2
regine_phalange Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 How sad. I'm not a head-turner either. Quite plain looking, maybe a bit funny looking. But there are still a few people who have a weird taste and love the way I look. Some of them are very attractive. Knowing that, I could never settle for someone who doesn't think I'm stunning. I was with someone who didn't like the way I look and I wasn't impressed with the experience. 1
WomenWubber Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It would be a bit of a blow to my ego, but I guess I could live with that.
jason115 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I read this over at Salon and I wondered why the hell the husband told her that. Some men, myself included marry women they are not sexually attracted to or even love for that matter. But I would never tell my wife that I find her physically repulsive sexually. Women marry for reasons other than love or sexual attraction too. The thing is when a woman isn't attracted to her husband she can still have sex with him. But for men it is a much bigger problem as men can't have sex unless they get aroused and they can't get aroused if they are not turned on. This is the big drawback in my marriage. The thing that amazed me about this article other than the fact he told her he wasn't attracted was that they were still having sex. So he must find something about her attractive otherwise he wouldn't be able to do that.
autumnnight Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) So, what does this mean for the truly ugly people? Are they doomed to stay alone forever knowing that no one is ever going to find them physically appealing? Not if they can find someone who can find beauty in them that is more than skin deep. That said, if I found out the man who married me did it knowing he wasn't attracted to me...I'd file for divorce right after I smacked [him] with a frying pan. Edited September 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language
Imajerk17 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) This is how it works for me, and probably how it works for most everyone else: You fall in love with someone and then EVERYTHING about them physically is great. Even things you didn't think you'd ever find attractive. Even their FAULTS are endearing. I may be exaggerating on the faults thing but it's not by much. That song by The Police "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" was a big hit for a reason you know. I thought the guy quoted in the OP was an unsmooth jackass to say what he said. Edited September 14, 2015 by Imajerk17 3
ScienceGal Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 This is how it works for me, and probably how it works for most everyone else: You fall in love with someone and then EVERYTHING about them physically is great. Even things you didn't think you'd ever find attractive. Even their faults are endearing. I may be exaggerating on the faults thing but it's not by much. That song by The Police "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" was a big hit for a reason you know. I thought the guy quoted in the OP was an unsmooth jackass to say what he said. Agree 100% 1
Robert Z Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) are relationships like the one described in the article doomed from the start or can they really pass the test of time AND last? This sounds pretty normal for a lot of middle age men. Look around at the women [and men] in their 40s and 50s and you tell me how many look sexy with 50-100 extra pounds. Beauty is defined by signals of reproductive viability. It isn't hard to figure what men are wired to find physically sexy. And yes a lot of it is hardwiring. So that deeper connection is all important as you get older. And not letting yourself go is a great way to keep the flame burning. In fact, if you ask me, if a woman really loves her husband, she WON'T let herself go. And the same is true for the man. But it a person does stop caring about their appearance and starts making excuses and rationalizing, don't expect your partner to find that sexy. Edited September 15, 2015 by Robert Z 2
cocorico Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 are relationships like the one described in the article doomed from the start or can they really pass the test of time AND last? There are many forms of marriage, and the "western" ideal of love marriage based on mutual attraction is only one. And, clearly, other kinds can and do last - there are many older couples who have been together for decades who married for reasons other than mutual attraction, some of whom did not initially love each other but grew to love and respect each other in the course of their marriages. Others just accepted the role of wife or husband, and got on with the job, doing it to the best of their ability and not questioning. That said, the article itself doesn't ring true to me. It's not something that would work for me, personally, either.
Got it Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I read this over at Salon and I wondered why the hell the husband told her that. Some men, myself included marry women they are not sexually attracted to or even love for that matter. But I would never tell my wife that I find her physically repulsive sexually. Women marry for reasons other than love or sexual attraction too. The thing is when a woman isn't attracted to her husband she can still have sex with him. But for men it is a much bigger problem as men can't have sex unless they get aroused and they can't get aroused if they are not turned on. This is the big drawback in my marriage. The thing that amazed me about this article other than the fact he told her he wasn't attracted was that they were still having sex. So he must find something about her attractive otherwise he wouldn't be able to do that. Why would you marry a woman you weren't sexually attracted to? And it isn't that easy for women either. If you are not aroused sex can be very painful. And no some men will fantasize and get turned on that way, not necessarily about that person. 1
Got it Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 This sounds pretty normal for a lot of middle age men. Look around at the women [and men] in their 40s and 50s and you tell me how many look sexy with 50-100 extra pounds. Beauty is defined by signals of reproductive viability. It isn't hard to figure what men are wired to find physically sexy. And yes a lot of it is hardwiring. So that deeper connection is all important as you get older. And not letting yourself go is a great way to keep the flame burning. In fact, if you ask me, if a woman really loves her husband, she WON'T let herself go. And the same is true for the man. But it a person does stop caring about their appearance and starts making excuses and rationalizing, don't expect your partner to find that sexy. Okay . . . to a degree. My husband does not look like he did at 20. He has some weight around the middle, some weathering of age, etc. I find him extremely attractive even with extra weight on. It is more than just physical appearance though it will play a factor. I think there is a balancing act because we can't turn back time and some aging should be celebrated. We should try and be the best person for our SO everyday both inside and out.
autumnnight Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 This sounds pretty normal for a lot of middle age men. Look around at the women [and men] in their 40s and 50s and you tell me how many look sexy with 50-100 extra pounds. Beauty is defined by signals of reproductive viability. It isn't hard to figure what men are wired to find physically sexy. And yes a lot of it is hardwiring. So that deeper connection is all important as you get older. And not letting yourself go is a great way to keep the flame burning. In fact, if you ask me, if a woman really loves her husband, she WON'T let herself go. And the same is true for the man. But it a person does stop caring about their appearance and starts making excuses and rationalizing, don't expect your partner to find that sexy. So YOUR assumption is not that this guy is a tactless jerk, but that the OP must be a real barker, huh? Nice.
autumnnight Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 Okay . . . to a degree. My husband does not look like he did at 20. He has some weight around the middle, some weathering of age, etc. I find him extremely attractive even with extra weight on. It is more than just physical appearance though it will play a factor. I think there is a balancing act because we can't turn back time and some aging should be celebrated. We should try and be the best person for our SO everyday both inside and out. Apparently we can. We can keep trolling for sorority girls or cougaring until we become that creepy parody dirty old person at the bar..... But to get back topic. Unless the OP has been married to this person for years and has put on 50 pounds, it really isn't logical to assume that the problem here is HER.
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