mlxy Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Hi there, For a very long time, I've been feeling like I make a very, very bad partner due to the way I behave sometimes - and I was wondering if I could get some insight on if I truly am not a good partner? I've had only 2 serious relationships, the second of which has left me feeling like I'm a failure as a partner. So I'll try to describe my behavior in the second relationship as I feel it has led me to have a very negative perception of myself. When we first began to date, we both made a lot of time for each other. Irregardless of his class schedule or mine, we were both attentive and made sure we were each others priority. I noticed he was the type of guy that really fed off compliments, and sought a lot of admiration. So I'd do little things like writing him notes as to why I thought he was so special, I'd bring him some homemade food whenever we would meet, I initiated the first hug, the first kiss, and everything else physical. I was also the one to tell him that I had never fallen in love before (I realized I was not in love in my first ever relationship), whereas he had been married in the past - which was fine. But because I thought he was so amazing, and really did think he was treating me quite well (giving me attention, making time for me, being really sweet etc) - I believed he deserved all of this, and I was really falling for him. Anyways, I also understood how important communication was. So I would always communicate with him how certain things made me feel. For an example, I felt he liked to purposefully make me jealous - by showing my pictures of other woman. This really put me off, so I immediately told him how I didn't like this. As well as other things. He, however, did not communicate very well. I felt he was always moody and expected me to chase him to figure things out. Shortly thereafter, I realized he was way too friendly with his ex-gf, and all this eventually made me feel really, really bad as I felt I was trying very hard to make things work, and making all the effort I could but he did not seem as into me. But then my birthday came along, and he brought me all this extravagant gives - which confused me. I'm not materialistic at all, and I did feel this was a little too much, but I appreciated the gesture - and thought that maybe my perception of him was all in my head. Stupidly, I continued the relationship. His birthday came along (and I was unemployed at this time) - but with all the savings I had, I made sure I made his birthday as special as he made mine. So basically, I would say he was quite immature in the beginning of our relationship, and I felt I was exhausting myself to do whatever I could to make this work because I just liked him so much. Despite all my efforts, I felt he was still being way to friendly with his ex-gf. About 8-9 months into the relationship, I told him I was tired of all this, and it had to be her or me. If he was going to stay friends with her, I wouldn't be able to stick around. I did NOT want to give him that ultimatum, but he left me with no choice. He did stop being friends with her, and that's when everything in our relationship changed. Now, HE was no longer immature. He was now suddenly devoted, and more committed than ever. He was no longer moody either, and was communicating much better. But at this point, I was exhausted. It felt weird to me that it was only after she left that I had finally felt at ease. I spent 8-9 months of the relationship in so much anxiety and confusion. Now this is where I think I became a bad partner: My passion for him and this relationship had definitely decreased considerably at this point. I still wanted this relationship, but not as bad as I wanted it before. I felt betrayed. We stayed together but now I was often moody (due to how things had played out) - and he felt he was doing whatever he could to get me to be how I was before. Now he was complaining that I wasn't loving enough, I wasn't affectionate. Now he had become obsessed with me - wanting to speak all the time, wanting to meet all the time, all of sudden everything was about me and staying in touch with me. I was used to having a little bit of space (which quite frankly he made me get used to) and so now he felt he was doing all the work and I wasn't. I guess he noticed that I was no longer as passionate about him and this relationship as I was before. He tried his best to do whatever he could to keep me hooked: showering me with loads of attention, gifts etc. But we started having too many fights about things. He was constantly criticizing my lack of passion, and I felt like I was doing enough. (I was still doing the little sweet stuff, making lots of time etc but I agree that I wasn't AS passionate as I was before) We'd have fights over stupid things, and I wouldn't really fight for the relationship anymore. I fell into deep depression and couldn't rekindle that passion. He didn't understand my depression, and things became hell. Now I'm in therapy and we are not speaking anymore. I just want to know whether I was a really bad person for how I became during the second half of our relationship?
GemmaUK Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Your problem wasn't in the second half of the relationship, it was in the first. . You didn't set boundaries or act on instinct. The second half of the relationship was just a symptom of the first half. 2
Siquijor Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You've done nothing I would class as bad. Actually, you sound like a decent partner. 1
PogoStick Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It doesn't make you a bad person, but you did not handle the relationship well. He ended up doing exactly as you wanted but you held a grudge and poisoned the relationship. 1
Author mlxy Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Your problem wasn't in the second half of the relationship, it was in the first. . You didn't set boundaries or act on instinct. The second half of the relationship was just a symptom of the first half. I agree with this. A lot if not all of the problems that occurred in the second half of the relationship were because of things that happened in the first half.
Author mlxy Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 It doesn't make you a bad person, but you did not handle the relationship well. He ended up doing exactly as you wanted but you held a grudge and poisoned the relationship. But it took him 8-9 months into the relationship to do what I feel he was 'supposed' to (as opposed to what I wanted). I wasn't holding a grudge, but I was genuinely confused for a very long time?
Ami1uwant Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 But it took him 8-9 months into the relationship to do what I feel he was 'supposed' to (as opposed to what I wanted). I wasn't holding a grudge, but I was genuinely confused for a very long time? Why was it such an issue he had a female friend. What it sounds like he did love you from the start and wanted to keep you and dhow it but you didn't like what he did that you requested from him.
Author mlxy Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Why was it such an issue he had a female friend. What it sounds like he did love you from the start and wanted to keep you and dhow it but you didn't like what he did that you requested from him. She was his ex-gf. And when I inquired about her, he said she was simply a co-worker... I found out through a mutual friend that she was his ex. Not just a co-worker..
PogoStick Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 But it took him 8-9 months into the relationship to do what I feel he was 'supposed' to (as opposed to what I wanted). I wasn't holding a grudge, but I was genuinely confused for a very long time? Why does it matter how long it took? You admitted you changed how you behaved after he did what you wanted. If you had no intent of letting the relationship get better then why stay in it and go through that at all? Why be passive-aggressive? Why not just end the relationship?
Ami1uwant Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 She was his ex-gf. And when I inquired about her, he said she was simply a co-worker... I found out through a mutual friend that she was his ex. Not just a co-worker.. Why does that matter???? He told the truth that she was a coworker. Sure he didn't mention she was an ex gf. Did you find out why she was his ex? 1
Qboro90 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 What exactly was his relationship with his ex while you were dating? Did they work together? Did they text at all times of the day/night? Would he hang out with her? All would help answer better. Without that info I can definitely say that it's looks like the classic case of being in lust/love with the chase/challenge and then once it's achieved you're no longer able to light that spark you once had. At th beginning of the relationship, he cared less and therefore you overcompensated to try and earn/validate his love and admiration. Once you showed signs of leaving and weren't head over heels for him, that's when he started liking you more and devoting himself in a larger capacity. Sometimes people get spiteful and have a "ohhh so you're gonna love and be a good boyfriend now???!" Attitude when this change happens. Sounds like you did that and even though he was doing everything you had wanted, you sabotaged it because you were resentful it wasn't like that from the start.
Author mlxy Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 What exactly was his relationship with his ex while you were dating? Did they work together? Did they text at all times of the day/night? Would he hang out with her? All would help answer better. Without that info I can definitely say that it's looks like the classic case of being in lust/love with the chase/challenge and then once it's achieved you're no longer able to light that spark you once had. At th beginning of the relationship, he cared less and therefore you overcompensated to try and earn/validate his love and admiration. Once you showed signs of leaving and weren't head over heels for him, that's when he started liking you more and devoting himself in a larger capacity. Sometimes people get spiteful and have a "ohhh so you're gonna love and be a good boyfriend now???!" Attitude when this change happens. Sounds like you did that and even though he was doing everything you had wanted, you sabotaged it because you were resentful it wasn't like that from the start. His ex and him worked together. In the beginning of the relationship, he also told me that he didn't want anyone at his workplace finding out about us - I didn't understand this at the time, but went with it. Yes they would text daily. And would have late-night phone calls as well. They hung out one on one - shopping, eating out, movies etc. I wouldn't have a problem with all this IF at least he was honest about their history together. The fact that he purposely hid it, put thoughts in my head. Along with many other things like him deleting messages, hiding his phone etc. When he became all 'devoted' it wasn't that I lost interest as I continued with the relationship and still wanted to be with him but I had developed a lot of anxiety in regards to him and his shadiness. It was at my breaking point that I finally asked him to cut her out as the relationship had exhausted me. But SHE wasn't the only issue in our relationship. When he finally became 'devoted' he also suddenly became very needy. We'd have fights over things like me not replying to a text immediately, or me not being able to talk on the phone till like 4am.
Author mlxy Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Why does that matter???? He told the truth that she was a coworker. Sure he didn't mention she was an ex gf. Did you find out why she was his ex? Yes. She was his ex because she cheated on him 3 times. Yet, he said she was his closest friend, and someone who he trusted the most. Didn't make sense to me... Guess I have issues.
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