SoThatHappened Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 Absolute NC means not checking up on them at all. No contact, in general terms, means simply that; not having contact. I'm completely pro-NC in that you should not have contact with someone who dumped you. Having recently looked up an ex on social media after a year, I "broke" NC as it is presented on this forum. However, it did stop me from wondering and made me accept the truth. Did we contact each other? No. I just found out that what she was doing was different than what I'd envisioned. But, it helped. This may have helped you as well. It's definitely not recommended, but some people just need to rip off the bandaid so they can finally move on. You are spot on when it comes to exercise. I come home from work, throw on exercise clothes, and just run. Don't have a pre-set distance or time. Talk about therapy. I was running the other night and it got dark. I was in the runner's high mode, and a lady stopped my while she was driving by and asked if I'd seen a golden retriever running around. I said "No, but I'll look." I ran for another hour around the neighborhood. Nothing could stop me and all I was focused on was that lost dog. Exercise. It's really really good for counteracting those hurt feelings.
Author drseuss Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Despite my apparent success in feeling alot better over the past couple months all i think about is wanting to know if my ex is back with her ex, going on her fb the other day was a victory in the sense I felt fine and it didn't thrust me back , but deep down i wanted to see photos of her back with her ex so it would kill that ligering hope I just cant get rid of I'm at the point where all in want to do is message her best friend who I got on with great and ask her about things ,I've even written the message I think i need to be crushed with the news she is back with him or know she is staying single ..... it's a tricky one I asked my best mate and he's a belive in telling people how you feel and I guess that's what I wanted to hear What do you guys think
dumbass2 Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Despite my apparent success in feeling alot better over the past couple months all i think about is wanting to know if my ex is back with her ex, going on her fb the other day was a victory in the sense I felt fine and it didn't thrust me back , but deep down i wanted to see photos of her back with her ex so it would kill that ligering hope I just cant get rid of I'm at the point where all in want to do is message her best friend who I got on with great and ask her about things ,I've even written the message I think i need to be crushed with the news she is back with him or know she is staying single ..... it's a tricky one I asked my best mate and he's a belive in telling people how you feel and I guess that's what I wanted to hear What do you guys think If you see a photo of her with her ex it will not lessen your hope. You will find a way to justify your hope. You'll say things like, "Well, she is back with her ex and I hear those never work out and hey! I'm an ex too, so when he doesn't work out again she will come back to me and give me a second shot" I saw a photo of my ex arm and arm with a new guy about 3 months after our break up and thought it would help. It didn't. I did finally move on and after 3 more months, guess what? She contact me. No, we are not together, but it goes to show you that you really need to get to that point and move on because seeing anything about your ex really is just no good. Your stalking her on social media is just a huge huge waste of time and keeps you stuck. Your not going to get the full story behind pictures. 1
Author drseuss Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 If you see a photo of her with her ex it will not lessen your hope. You will find a way to justify your hope. You'll say things like, "Well, she is back with her ex and I hear those never work out and hey! I'm an ex too, so when he doesn't work out again she will come back to me and give me a second shot" I saw a photo of my ex arm and arm with a new guy about 3 months after our break up and thought it would help. It didn't. I did finally move on and after 3 more months, guess what? She contact me. No, we are not together, but it goes to show you that you really need to get to that point and move on because seeing anything about your ex really is just no good. Your stalking her on social media is just a huge huge waste of time and keeps you stuck. Your not going to get the full story behind pictures. The part about " I hear she's back woth her ex and those things never work out "actualy made me laugh because it's so ture I visited her fb and I'm glad I did it because it's the first time I've seen photos of her and it hasn't stirred up huge emotion since we broke up ,that gave me alot of strength and I havnt been back thete since I guess for me unless I factual know things I dwell and hope ,i know there are no facts but if she's unavailable it's one more reason to lose that little glimmer of hope that is really annoying me
singme2sleep Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I'm considering doing something similar, I'm thinking about reaching out to my ex's best friend's girlfriend. We got along great and when we first met she said I was "a keeper". I want to ask her if he's ok, since he was depressed when he ended things.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Do not contact the best friend, unless you enjoy looking like you can't let go. Which I doubt you'd enjoy. It's not your business and I don't think knowing the truth will help you at all. You need to find the motivation to move on from within yourself, and because you broke up. Not because she may or may not be with her ex.
Author drseuss Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 Well its not a case if not looking like I can't let got , the fact is i can't let go, of the hope ,I feel happy in myself and my life is back to normal but the hope is there .... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Well its not a case if not looking like I can't let got , the fact is i can't let go, of the hope ,I feel happy in myself and my life is back to normal but the hope is there .... In that case, I would take the lack of contact from your ex as a sign that it's not going to happen. I don't think you need confirmation from the best friend. 1
singme2sleep Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 OP - how long have you been broken up for?
Author drseuss Posted October 4, 2015 Author Posted October 4, 2015 I know it's not long enough. ...... 9 weeks . And she wasn't fully over her 12 year ex , we had a 10 month rs , 12 year age gap..... I know things aren't in my favour but she wanted to move on from him and we started a good rs she just had unfinished bussiness
K2z Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Every single day I need a pack of wild horses to stop me from contacting my ex's friends. They are right there, and they can provide intel as to where in the world she is, what she has said recently, how she feels. I romantize the notion that my outreach would be seen as a grand gesture and her heart would be moved. However, I trust the advice I have heard a thousand times from cooler heads that the real signal I would be sending is that I neeeeeeeed her and can't let go, and therefore am not qualified for her, merely buttressing her decision to leave. I maintain some hope (unwisely, many would argue)... but it's important to acknowledge just how powerless I am and how chasing her will just push her.
Blanco Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 It's gauche to use a mutual friend to funnel you information about your ex. Don't put this person in such a position.
Author drseuss Posted October 5, 2015 Author Posted October 5, 2015 I guess the risk is her telling my ex I've contacted her , I don't particularly care about her freind thinking I'm weak or what ever ,its my ex I'm thinking about I do agree that it might not be right to put her freind in that situation but I know her and she's very caring and has spoken to me about this before , At the same time I look my at my ex and our old rs and it wasn't the kind of rs I wanted so in don't even know why I give a crap about her
Author drseuss Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 so the other day i went on my exs fb after 2 months of nc , i was glad i did it and made me feel good that it didnt upset me , this gave me strength however i had a horrible night last night dreaming about her and woke up depressed ( this could have been a result of that frist fb visit ..) i then went back on her fb today and went a bit mad looking at hers , and her brothers and loads of people fbs pages , saw loads of photos of her i now know what shes doing this weekend and its really messed me up ...... i dont know what the **** i was thinking but im so angry at myself after doing so well , she is going to an event right by her exs town this weekend ...... i havent seen anything linking them but he likes all of her post and she likes none of his , i know this is all meaningless but im just looking for anything . i now more than ever want to message her friend to ask about her !! things are not good today
DirtyBerty Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Take it hour by hour, day by day. You feel crap now but in guessing not as bad as when the break up first happened. You have good days and bad. Something usually triggers bad days and it's hard to shake it off. Just try and avoid fb and see how you go.
Author drseuss Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 well its a stupid of me for to go on it after not going on for so long , i guess i thought i could cope with it .... i hate the feeling of hopelessness seeing her happy and going about her life without me in it and me being a kind of rebound she wont even be thinking of me i feel more than ever im going to message her bf just to see how she is and where she is at in her life ...... if you got a message off of your bfs ex and they asked you not to tell them , would you tell your freind thst their ex had messaged you of would you honour it
Christos Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 i feel more than ever im going to message her bf just to see how she is and where she is at in her life ...... if you got a message off of your bfs ex and they asked you not to tell them , would you tell your freind thst their ex had messaged you of would you honour it If that friend was a man he would honour such a request. A woman? Not likely. Never trust women. Women can be trusted only when they have more to lose than gain from an action. Her bf has not obligation to you. She has to her friend. She will tell no matter what, and probably will laugh together at you.
Samuel_22 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 well its a stupid of me for to go on it after not going on for so long , i guess i thought i could cope with it .... i hate the feeling of hopelessness seeing her happy and going about her life without me in it and me being a kind of rebound she wont even be thinking of me i feel more than ever im going to message her bf just to see how she is and where she is at in her life ...... if you got a message off of your bfs ex and they asked you not to tell them , would you tell your freind thst their ex had messaged you of would you honour it That is really really bad, I am sorry I know how painful it can be, I want to come clean about my post I made last night, out of curiosity, I sent a message to to her ''line'' account just wanted to know whether I was still blocked there, and the answer was, yes I was, that alone made me feel a lot worse, and took me days back. I am happy she will never be able to read those irrelevant questions I had asked. In my absolutely humble opinion, Your contacting her boyfriend will be your second bad mistake. and sure he will tell her about that, he might make a promise or even swear he wont, but when it comes to those awkward silent moments in their RS, he might bring it up as a topic, to have something to discuss, you know what I mean. Stay strong, it can hurt, but, I have witnessed something the more pain we go through, the stronger we become.
Christos Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Oh, i mistook bf for best friend. Sometimes i have seen that use... I couldn't believe you meant her boyfriend... If you meant her current man, are you out of your fking mind? How much of a wimp can you become? And OFCOURSE he will not honour it. He will use that opportunity to make you seem even weaker as a man in her eyes... Edited October 6, 2015 by Christos
William Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Folks, moderation merged a few threads on a similar topic for context so suggests reading back up the thread for details pertinent to any response. There may be some duplication of content. Thanks!
Author drseuss Posted October 6, 2015 Author Posted October 6, 2015 Sorry by bf I meant best freind , she does seem so honest and said she was gutted when we broke up , I really feel she would keep it to herself
Author drseuss Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 Feeling alot better today and I'm not going to contact her best freind , I think I learnt the heard way to stay away from fb indefinitely!
Author drseuss Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 i had some trouble posting on here for a few days ..... all my posted wouldnt come up then they all came through at once i never messgaed her "bf" best freind ( not boy freind ) and am back on the strait and narrow you know i wonder if im geting better of getting ust to feeling rubbish about my ex ???
Author drseuss Posted October 11, 2015 Author Posted October 11, 2015 So it's been 2 and half months now of nc and it's felt like forever , im finding as time is going by its getting so much better but hurts more that I've havnt heard from her ...
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 You're making the big mistake of believing Time heals. It doesn't. It wouldn't matter if it was 10 days, 10 weeks or 10 months. Time Passes. That's all. YOU heal. Don't measure psychological time, using Chronological time. The two are often incompatible.
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