nearly caved ! (Updated)

[drseuss]

Today I've spent all morning reading reconsiliation success stories and each one churned my stomach making me think how enavatble my ex getting back wither her long term ex has to be and me being nothing more that a 10 month rebound means I have no chance.. it's made me feel like **** ,this hangover isn't helping either

 

I actualy logged into Facebook and went on her best friends page ,her profile pic is a very old photo of them 2 which it has been for ages and I was ok seeing that and I saw my exs profile and I logged out and managed not to look on her page but the whole thing has knocked me

 

7 weeks now and I just want this to be over and have no feelings for her anymore !! I can't let this hope go and it's so relentless

[William]

Folks, we merged three threads on a similar topic so there may be some duplication of content. Please continue the discussion on this breakup here. Thanks!

[drseuss]

So its been 2 months nc , i feel worlds better than i did 60 days ago and i didnt think i would feel this good so soon , i obviously still miss her but my mind is calm and accepting that we are apppart , no matter what i have always held some hope and had an urge to send her a letter , i feel i must make some sort of effort despite her dumping me , i dont want to regret not trying and have read a few threads about people sending letters and it being the best thing they did , i have a couple things to send back to her and i was going to put the letter in with the stuff ??

 

its only short , the first few lines just say hello ect , its the last part i want advice on :

 

its amazing how time allows you to reflect and see things more clearly, us breaking up showed me things i needed to work in in myself that i would not have seen otherwise, new growth has made me a much happier person. I hope your are in a good place a feeling happy in yourself.

Not having you in my life has been hard and i have made efforts to move on and forget about you but the truth is i miss you more than ever and weather it be in weeks months or years from now i hope our paths will cross again , thinking of you always

Dr seuss

[thunder777]

dude no

 

if a woman wants you youll soon find out about it

 

your going through no contact for the purpose of healing and getting to your next girlfriend as swiftly as possible

 

best way to get over someone is to get under someone new

 

apply your romantic abilities to new chicks

[drseuss]

i totaly hear you but ive been reading fair bit about people that have done this and it breaks the ice , i cant help but feel i would rather have tried and failed than tried and never known, i am in a very calm place and have spent alot of time weighing up the outcomes and possibilties , do you feel the letter is too deep ? should it say nothing at all about emotion ? i want it to make her feel something

[TaraMaiden2]

i totaly hear you but ive been reading fair bit about people that have done this and it breaks the ice , i cant help but feel i would rather have tried and failed than tried and never known, i am in a very calm place and have spent alot of time weighing up the outcomes and possibilties , do you feel the letter is too deep ? should it say nothing at all about emotion ? i want it to make her feel something

The only thing you'll make her feel when she reads that tripe is "OMG, is he still going on with this? Fer chrissakes, I thought he'd moved on!"

 

Do Not, do NOT DO-NOT send that!

It's like poking a tetchy sleeping dog, she will only be mad you poked her.

 

Please, listen to those who know,m and have been there.

 

Others may have tried, but if you read enough, breaking NC only led to bitter disappointment, and a drop back to square minus-one.

 

Where have you been reading? Romantic novels?

Yeah.

Doesn't happen....

[drseuss]

its funny beause ive just had a text of my friend who saw her at an even and he hasnt seen her for a month , he said she was off with him which is odd .... it instantly gave me huge sinking feeling and it isnt even significant ...had made me think twice about the letter ,

 

i really think just a friendly letter saying hi and hope your well ect would be a posatvie thing tho , cutting out all the i miss you bull

[TaraMaiden2]

NO!! It's still creepy, and you still have an agenda!!

Do NOT ever get in any type of contact with her, whatsoever, until benign indifference has been well and truly established!!

 

You're wrong - it would still prize open that can of worms!!

[drseuss]

just from having this converstaion with my freind about him seeing her all be it breif its like a form of indirect contact and ive got to be honest its set me back a little so i wont send that letter , im just want to hear from her so much ..... i think i want to prevoke some contact and i think it will make me feel better but deep down i know its wrong

 

is sending her the last couple of bits to her house the wrong thing to do , i guess i hope that will my some devine miricle make her want to get hold of me

 

this is the only thing im strugging with , wanting to hear from her , i dont even think i want her as a person back , i know i dont want our old rs back

[NVO]

You did 2 months of NC and felt so much better. Than someone brings her up and you feel bad. So what do you think what will happen when you contact her? I've seen some posts about those letters too, but let me tell you: you will feel so stupid when you send it and you don't even get a response.

 

Same thing goes for me. I'm not on bad terms with my ex and her birthday is coming soon. Would it be nice of me to send her my best wishes? Ofcourse! But I know that every form of contact will set me back a little, so I won't do it. Out of the question. I'd rather keep myself happy than being Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Don't put yourself through that pain if you don't have to. Well, I gues you already figured that out for yourself by now haha. You were doing great, keep it up!

[thunder777]

i dont wanna sound insulting but your longing deprived broken heart need her so much initiative and attitude is borderline wussbag feminine flower sniffing lemon sh#t

 

you are a male buddy, a man. this is not what men were built to be like

 

u need to say f#ck this and f#ck her i want a new woman and im gonna harden the f#ck up and go get one

 

get aggressive and win man, stuff this soft cock fairy sprinkle bs it might be whats in all the movies but its not what women are turned on by. man up son

[drseuss]

As blunt as you've put it I known you are right but I don't want to regret not trying anything at all and giving up , I know she has given up by dumping me blah blah blah

 

But women must like men that try a bit and fight, I've learnt I'm not ready yet to have any kind of contact with her directly or indirectly as just hearing my friend saying about him talking to her made me feel a bit **** , I my soon passed but wasn't nice ....

[TaraMaiden2]

As blunt as you've put it I known you are right but I don't want to regret not trying anything at all and giving up , ....

But women must like men that try a bit and fight,

You couldn't be more wrong if you tried.

 

When women say to guys, "Why didn't you fight for me" it shows THEY still had potentially strong feelings for the guy, and wanted him in their life.

The guy didn't 'fight' because he didn't want to.

Many times, he thinks about it, but resists doing anything, because he's just not in that frame of mind.

 

You are.

But trust me on this - she really isn't.

She would have to already have shown some verve and interest towards you... asking mutual friends about you, running into you by accident (and I don't mean with her car!), sending you the odd 'dangling a carrot' text message....

 

But she has done none of that.

She's so off your radar she's on a different continent... You really don't want to screw this up any more than it is already, in your mind, hun....

 

I've learnt I'm not ready yet to have any kind of contact with her directly or indirectly as just hearing my friend saying about him talking to her made me feel a bit **** , I my soon passed but wasn't nice ....

 

You won't be ready for at least another year, at this rate.

You need to just wipe everything to do with her off your screen, and get on with your life.

Quit wondering, pondering and thinking of reaching out.

 

Focus on you.

[Ellie35]

I am nearly three months no contact and I long for him to send me a message or a card or anything at all!!! I miss him.

 

He was the dumper so I cannot under any circumstances contact him.

 

It's so hard today so I am here struggling with you, dying for something but knowing I'll be better with no contact and time.

[drseuss]

You couldn't be more wrong if you tried.

 

When women say to guys, "Why didn't you fight for me" it shows THEY still had potentially strong feelings for the guy, and wanted him in their life.

The guy didn't 'fight' because he didn't want to.

Many times, he thinks about it, but resists doing anything, because he's just not in that frame of mind.

 

You are.

But trust me on this - she really isn't.

She would have to already have shown some verve and interest towards you... asking mutual friends about you, running into you by accident (and I don't mean with her car!), sending you the odd 'dangling a carrot' text message....

 

But she has done none of that.

She's so off your radar she's on a different continent... You really don't want to screw this up any more than it is already, in your mind, hun....

 

 

You won't be ready for at least another year, at this rate.

You need to just wipe everything to do with her off your screen, and get on with your life.

Quit wondering, pondering and thinking of reaching out.

 

Focus on you.

 

 

 

Up until today I've made solid weekly progress and being in nc is the reason for that ,it's only heaving this indirect contact that has set me back a little

 

I find it hard to belive you when you say she's totaly off the radar , there are endless stories on here of people who's exs came back months or years after the break up ,I know in shouldn't think like that but today it's proving easier said than done

 

If she knows she's not ever coming back any contact would make no difference to her so I only have my emotions to loose , I wonder if her being harsh and telling me to go away and it will never work would be a good think and force me to lose all hope , which is the only annoying thing that I can't let go of ...

[MovingOnIsHard]

Yeah... Here's my thoughts on this topic, from the perspective of someone who was recipient of said email from ex.

 

My ex sent me numerous emails, reminiscing about the good times, wishing me well, and saying that he never got the chance to fight for me (get me back)

 

I dont know if i can speak to other women here, but i dont readily give up on a relationship. I fight until i am emotionally exhausted. My ex on the other hand, never bothered to make any changes during the relationship..The fight was long over and now he thinks he should have had a chance to win me over? Lol

 

When I quit a relationship, that's it. Any other attempts to reviving it has a success rate close to NIL.

 

So when i receive such emails, my automatic response is this: I roll my eyes and put it in trash. I get a bit of ego boost from it too.

 

Id say, for future reference, abstain from sending such emails unless she reaches out first. Dont make a fool of yourself.

[thunder777]

again and i repeat ...

 

if a woman wants you, you will soon find out about it

 

they are little terrors who when they make a decision the boy whoever she targets gets rocketed by either shy little dangling carrots or hungry enquiries needing to be fed

 

you are getting nothing, zilch. yes its up to men to chase women but she needs to give u a sign or a ticket to do so

 

else your just another irrelevant horny idiot whos got no chance and she'll shoot u down like just another random rodent

 

they say after 90 days of NC and lots of ignoring her, she'll soon graduate u back into her target zone. but by then lets hopefully say, youre seeing someone else sorry

 

i cant wait to be 2 months no contact like u are now, im 2 weeks in and im fantastic despite a few moments now and again but thats just healings

 

dont ruin ur 2 months man, ur next girl is so close now is there not anyone u might be interested in?

[EO422]

Sending her a letter breaking NC is like an alcoholic deciding to have a beer after 2 months of being sober. "Oh just let me have a beer, I can handle it, I am so much better now. Please just one beer, it's no problem"....NO DO NOT DO IT..it will set you back..the only time you should contact her is when she contacts you. That's it. I am only 20 days NC..it sucks big time for me. I hate it too. Please do not set yourself backwards. I don't want to.

[drseuss]

Yeah... Here's my thoughts on this topic, from the perspective of someone who was recipient of said email from ex.

 

My ex sent me numerous emails, reminiscing about the good times, wishing me well, and saying that he never got the chance to fight for me (get me back)

 

I dont know if i can speak to other women here, but i dont readily give up on a relationship. I fight until i am emotionally exhausted. My ex on the other hand, never bothered to make any changes during the relationship..The fight was long over and now he thinks he should have had a chance to win me over? Lol

 

When I quit a relationship, that's it. Any other attempts to reviving it has a success rate close to NIL.

 

So when i receive such emails, my automatic response is this: I roll my eyes and put it in trash. I get a bit of ego boost from it too.

 

Id say, for future reference, abstain from sending such emails unless she reaches out first. Dont make a fool of yourself.

 

 

thanks that has been a really helpull and im not going to send it , but you say you were totaly done when you ended you rs , but mine was due to issues with her ex and her head was just such a mess , she didnt say anything like its never going to work ect and that she hopes she can sort herself out and spoke about the future if she could sort her head out it might work ... i kind of wish she just said its over for good and there is nothing that can be done

 

 

i dont know what has happened to me ive been like a tank just bruising along though nc and getting stronger all the time ....

[noun123]

I am one of those who sent the dreaded email. We are now at 2.5 post BU. About three weeks ago I sent a long email describing everything I felt. Really it was a way for me to say everything I never said because Im not good at confrontation and it was eating me alive. Whether he responded or not, I needed to know I defended myself and let me wishes be known. I was actually hoping for no response as opposed to 'leave me alone' or 'just move on already'. About three weeks after the email I got a response. A really great response. He had really appreciated the email and was super important to him but he still didn't know how he was feeling at the moment so couldn't reciprocate the same feelings for now. Since then we've had some really open conversations and its really helped me put those ridiculous fears that I had to rest (him moving on super fast, other girls etcc).

 

However despite how good it is to know he is in the same place as me and hurting as much. That open communication and unsure-ness has lead me to have more hope. This hope has placed me in a perpetual state of 'waiting'. At this point I'm not sure whether it would have been better to never contact him again and have the chance to move on or to have that hope AGAIN and wait for him to decide and it could be me or not at all and I would STILL be in the same place or worse have to accept the breakup all over again. I don't know if I could survive that.

 

I wrote the email originally because I knew I couldn't live without clearing some things up that I never got to say. And again I was not expecting a response. It depends on what you truly want to get out of it. I never grovelled or begged either, it was simply describing what I felt and things that I felt were misconstrued during the breakup.

[Samuel_22]

I am one of those who sent the dreaded email. We are now at 2.5 post BU. About three weeks ago I sent a long email describing everything I felt. Really it was a way for me to say everything I never said because Im not good at confrontation and it was eating me alive. Whether he responded or not, I needed to know I defended myself and let me wishes be known. I was actually hoping for no response as opposed to 'leave me alone' or 'just move on already'. About three weeks after the email I got a response. A really great response. He had really appreciated the email and was super important to him but he still didn't know how he was feeling at the moment so couldn't reciprocate the same feelings for now. Since then we've had some really open conversations and its really helped me put those ridiculous fears that I had to rest (him moving on super fast, other girls etcc).

However despite how good it is to know he is in the same place as me and hurting as much. That open communication and unsure-ness has lead me to have more hope. This hope has placed me in a perpetual state of 'waiting'. At this point I'm not sure whether it would have been better to never contact him again and have the chance to move on or to have that hope AGAIN and wait for him to decide and it could be me or not at all and I would STILL be in the same place or worse have to accept the breakup all over again. I don't know if I could survive that.

 

I wrote the email originally because I knew I couldn't live without clearing some things up that I never got to say. And again I was not expecting a response. It depends on what you truly want to get out of it. I never grovelled or begged either, it was simply describing what I felt and things that I felt were misconstrued during the breakup.

The thing you do not see here is that her ex, like my ex have reconciled with their exes...That means and LITERALLY means they have probably had no time to think of us at all....They are happy with their toys now, so how do you expect a sound from an old toy, distract them from the toy that were dying to have and now they have...

Here's my question, look at this...put yourself in her shoes...you have dumped a girl, you have moved on with someone that you genuinely love...and then after 2 months you receive a text message from the dumpee, with all those things you have put in your letter....changes, seeing things clearly, improving yourself...How do you feel about the girl now??? Isn't she Pathetic? yeah she is, she is talking about changes, she is improving herself....yes...maybe she is... but you won't even believe it, you think she is trying to convince you to get back...so what would you do yourself? I probably would not even answer, I would say ahhhhhhhh her again, and if she continued texting me, I would even change my phone number and say,''I am tired of this guy.''

Well mate, she does not want to play with you, no matter how hard you make the sound... this might seem rude, but when you know that I am here in your shoes, then you can comprehend things better...My ex does not want to play with me...

Now do you wanan destroy all chances?

Yes you will ruin every chance of reconciliation by making contact, the child who does not want to play with you at the moment, and my throw you out of the window, so that you won't distract her from they toy she loves...

So what should we do??

Wait...

she will eventually get tired of the toy...she might want to give the old toys another try, but she wants to give the other toy another try... and in the mean time she might not want to give the old toy another try, she might want to go out with her daddy and buy a new one...

Now what?

Fine if that's the case you can easily say Fu** her for good, play with other children they might be even better than that selfish child who did not even want to give you another try hum?

Still want to send the message?

Ok if you think she will say, ''well I miss where have you been?'' then you won't get it I promise, if you want her to say ''Oh dear God my knight is back, I love you like crazy, I was an ass to leave you.'' that won't happen still... you send the message and the answer is '' well glad you are fine PERIOD.'' or something like this one, ''I am fine too thanks.'' or she might not even answer, and throw the toy out of the window....

I had a virtual conversation with my ex last night...

Yeah I did... I have two cellphones at home, I saved my other number in my cellphone, with the name of my girlfriend and sent this message to myself,'' Za** I wanted to tell you that I am not doing well, I miss you still, I want you to come back to me and I promise I will do anything, anything I can and will give my words that I will be the one you love.''

Then I waited and waited and waited still...until tonight... NO ANSWERS!!! well it figures... this is the outcome of sending the message!!! wanna send a message send one to yourself, it is better at least, you know what you are going to get!!!

[drseuss]

Well now the day is over I'm back in a much better frame of mind , my compulsory sunday hangover never does me any favours and I'm so glad I havnt sent anything and don't know what I was thinking

 

Moments of weakness are scary but these moments determine how strong we are ! I have no interest in our old rs and know im just attached to the emotion I felt with her , so I my mind wants her back because it associates her with the emotions of love and happiness when in reality she just caused me stress and upset

 

 

Feeling much better , thanks for your help as always

[quattrob]

thanks that has been a really helpull and im not going to send it , but you say you were totaly done when you ended you rs , but mine was due to issues with her ex and her head was just such a mess , she didnt say anything like its never going to work ect and that she hopes she can sort herself out and spoke about the future if she could sort her head out it might work ... i kind of wish she just said its over for good and there is nothing that can be done

 

 

i dont know what has happened to me ive been like a tank just bruising along though nc and getting stronger all the time ....

 

Regardless of her reasoning on her dumping you, you should never wait for maybes or ifs in life. What happens if she changes her mind later on or she doesn't ever get her head straight? You would've wasted your life for nothing. Life is too valuable to wait for someone who isn't sure. Rather than wait for someone like that, look for someone else that is sure they want you and is sure they would treat you right.

[MovingOnIsHard]

thanks that has been a really helpull and im not going to send it , but you say you were totaly done when you ended you rs , but mine was due to issues with her ex and her head was just such a mess , she didnt say anything like its never going to work ect and that she hopes she can sort herself out and spoke about the future if she could sort her head out it might work ... i kind of wish she just said its over for good and there is nothing that can be done

 

 

i dont know what has happened to me ive been like a tank just bruising along though nc and getting stronger all the time ....

 

People react differently when placed in certain situations. I dont like being in a state of limbo indefinitely so i give myself a clear time limit to make a decision... Whereas your ex sounds like she's indecisive.

 

Dont let the fact that she didnt say "it's over" be your one and only hope to having another chance with her.. Some people will never be able to say it to you. Best to leave her be

[drseuss]

It's been like 10 weeks or there abouts since my break with my ex , ls was a real pillar for me at the start , after 2 months I stoped looking on here so much and that really helped , coming on here all the time wasn't letting me forget about my break up ,after all that's all that is spoken about here ,

 

I recently went on my exs fb after months of nc and it made my heart pound as I clicked on it ,but as soon as it came up I felt calmness and seeing her new pictures ect didn't make me feel much at all and the anticipation was the worst part !!

 

Having not seen her face for weeks made me sad but when I did see it she didn't look like the girl I thought I loved .... it's a weird feeling

 

After that I didn't feel like I was in that whole nc marathon because I don't have anything to say to her and she doesn't to me , we are just two people that don't need to talk to each other ,like you don't talk to random people in the street

 

To everyone struggling the biggest thing that had helped me has been doing cardio after work , 30-60 mins on the bike in the gym pedaling like a beast then a little lifting , I had a 5 days off and slipped back into a bad state then as soon as I got back to it I felt great again and the biggest thing that has been negative ,ALCAHOL !! , every hangover has been like going back to week 1 !!

 

 

I do think about her still and have thoughts of reconsiliation in the distant future and I'm not saying im over it , but I'm happy, she doesn't take up all of my thinking time and feeling so much better and motivated and anyone that is struggling if you take active steps you will feel better too ,no matter how **** you feel now