drseuss Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 So today is 6 weeks post bu and no contact ever since , was getting better day by day and made amazing progress , I went out last night and go really drunk with my friends and feel like **** today ..... in turn all I am thinking about is my ex and wishing we could get back together , really annoyed at myself about it A while ago we were at a party and my ex left an item of clothing there and I have recently got it back and I want to post it to her and I'm feeling a big impulse to write a note to and hope that it restarts us talking ...... I know this is total suicide if I do but I feel that the note I left it on telling her not to contact me unless it's to get back together was too blunt and that she may have wanted to see talk about stuff but I put her in a situation that she can't really talk to me bc she will think I automatically see it as her trying to reconile at the first sign of contact ...... 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 So today is 6 weeks post bu and no contact ever since , was getting better day by day and made amazing progress , I went out last night and go really drunk with my friends and feel like **** today ..... in turn all I am thinking about is my ex and wishing we could get back together , really annoyed at myself about it A while ago we were at a party and my ex left an item of clothing there and I have recently got it back and I want to post it to her and I'm feeling a big impulse to write a note to and hope that it restarts us talking ...... I know this is total suicide if I do but I feel that the note I left it on telling her not to contact me unless it's to get back together was too blunt and that she may have wanted to see talk about stuff but I put her in a situation that she can't really talk to me bc she will think I automatically see it as her trying to reconile at the first sign of contact ...... So you can assume she doesn't want to get back together, since she hasn't reached out to you. I think re-opening that wound will set you back, but I don't know the backstory - how long were you together and why did you break up? I think the wisest thing here would be to give the item of clothing to a 3rd party to send to her. 3
Author drseuss Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 With her 10 months , she wasn't over her 12 year ex , she 12 years older than me ,odds are against me eh .... I just know that she wouldn't know how to talk to me even if she did want to have another go ,I feel I know her well and that saying to her I dont want to her from you unless it's for more than friendship puts her in a tricky place and that she wouldn't feel like she can get hold of me now even if she did have feeling to have another go of it , I know 6 weeks isn't long and only a couple days ago I was in a mindset of not feeling bothered that she might be back with her ex , that I didn't want her back and was close to indifference, I've always had a small part of me that wants to hear from her even if it's only to tell her that I'm not interested ..... knowing her it would take her months to come to any kind of decision in her mind but I have felt like I really want her back today and think that if I'm not in light contact with her there's no chance of rekindling anything , her ex was always in contact with and trying to get her back .. 1
notforair Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I'm right there with you. It's been 4 weeks NC for me and there are times that I feel better but most of the time there is the heartache right there. I've tried to bargain with myself over and over about reaching out but every time I come to the same conclusion. It would only be trying to get some sort of validation back from her when I need to find that from myself. For better or worse our ex dumped us and hurt us and unless they want to make amends and are willing to do what it takes then all else is just a painful game. We deserve to be loved for who we are and not have to sit here in agony trying to say the right thing to win them back. We already won them over and they decided they didn't value our efforts so no need to return to square one and boost their ego again. We deserve someone to win over us. 3
LoveIsMyReligion Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Any type of contact right now would make her think, "I've still got him on the hook!" and give her a nice ego boost. You could probably spark a conversation with her, but ask yourself this... do you really want to be with a girl who is willing to leave you so easily? If she did it once the second time will only be easier for her. AND finally if you initiate the conversation it will reinforce her decision in leaving you because you will come off as needing her more than she needs you... I can't read minds but this is basic psychology. 1
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 So today is 6 weeks post bu and no contact ever since , was getting better day by day and made amazing progress , I went out last night and go really drunk with my friends and feel like **** today ..... in turn all I am thinking about is my ex and wishing we could get back together , really annoyed at myself about it A while ago we were at a party and my ex left an item of clothing there and I have recently got it back and I want to post it to her and I'm feeling a big impulse to write a note to and hope that it restarts us talking ...... I know this is total suicide if I do but I feel that the note I left it on telling her not to contact me unless it's to get back together was too blunt and that she may have wanted to see talk about stuff but I put her in a situation that she can't really talk to me bc she will think I automatically see it as her trying to reconile at the first sign of contact ...... Look mate, I am on 4th week of no contact, and I have not reached where you have reached, my girlfriend of 7 months also got back to her ex, and I have not received any contact ever since, because, I also told her to contact me if she wants to reconcile, back then I had some feelings for her, I am just losing interest for her, and my respond to any reconciliation at the moment, would be ''no'' Lemme elaborate on the situation...it is gonna be harsh, but it is true she does not reach out, because she does not need you at the moment, and to be a little harsher, she does not even think of you at the moment, if you reach out now, not only aren't you going to get back with her, you are going to damage any chances of reconciliation in the future, I am going to write another post soon... I send you this to kill your urge to contact her... 3
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 You have so far handled the situation like a pro...I know it is not easy, I think I do understand what you are saying better than anyone else here, because like you I was a rebound, it is the bitter reality we have to accept by now, sure we loved them, I wanted to marry her, had so many nice dreams in my head for them but listen to what I am saying...They were not over their ex...and now they have got what they want, and here we are to help each other to get through this, with each other... I don't wanna give any false hopes/ please don't attack me for this ''I always assume even if I get rejected initially, that at some point in time we will meet up again, and the circumstances will be different. As long as I have left the door open for her to come back if things don’t work out with the other guy, I’ll usually be the first guy she calls after a breakup. Look at it this way, the divorce rate is 50%, and only 3% of couples are really having a great relationship. So there is greater than a 50% chance when you get dumped for another guy, that you’ll probably get another shot down the road when he screws up. The famous supermodel Cindy Crawford, was once married to the actor Richard Gere. Guess who she called when they broke up? Randy Gerber, who was the guy she dated before Richard. After a breakup, most women call the old boyfriends or the guys they blew off. If you were cool and left the door open properly, she’ll call you if things don’t work out...This is what I call infinite patience... You love them unconditionally, and if you are unattached to when they contact you, you can have a fun trip down memory lane in the future. Cindy and Randy are still married and have children now after over 10 years together. Famous people do it too. Women are the way they are. They all come back when they realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.'' 1
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Now these are mere speculations...they might join that 3% thing...alright...but they might not...what should you do no? if you contact her, she will lose even more interest, she will perceive you as someone needy who is dying to hear from her, and is needy and is incapable of finding any one better...this is not we want here! (of course I am really starting to believe that I am completely over her) what you should do then? focus on yourself, you gotta turn into a more successful person, the more you are successful, financially, physically etc...the more confident you become, and the more confident you become, the more attractive women you can attract... so this is what you have to do...if you take out that cellphone and reach out, you will scare the hell out of the cat, and the cat will not return...play it cool, work on yourself, if she came back, the better for you, if not by then you enough confidence to find someone far better than she was 1
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 And one more thing pal, this helped me a lot... stop attributing everything and anything to your ex...when you feel tired, it is not that because she is not there...it is simply this fact that you are tired...if things don't go well at work/school...it is not because of her, it simply this fact that things are not going well....if you adopt the same mindset I adopted, then bingo! you will get rid of all these hideous feelings... on Friday I was feeling awful...and I kept thinking well it is because of her, I even posted a ridiculous post here, and some started giving me the hint, I should visit a psychologist, the truth was I was just bored...the next day I was a champ in my classes, and had so much fun, that I did not even think of her...last night I couldn't sleep well, because I played too much videogames...today I had the same feeling in the morning, but I knew that I was tired, it was not about her not being in my life 3
Author drseuss Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 Thank you samuel22 your post have given me some much needed strength and helped snap out of this mindset ,I know all of this yet these moments of weakness are hard to overcome , I don't think the hangover is helping ..... I just can't get my head around how it just stops and now nothing for 6 weeks , crazy , I know we wouldn't work together and she's a total pain but I can't help but miss her and I do want to hear from her ...... even if it's to tell her I've moved on . 2
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) Thank you samuel22 your post have given me some much needed strength and helped snap out of this mindset ,I know all of this yet these moments of weakness are hard to overcome , I don't think the hangover is helping ..... I just can't get my head around how it just stops and now nothing for 6 weeks , crazy , I know we wouldn't work together and she's a total pain but I can't help but miss her and I do want to hear from her ...... even if it's to tell her I've moved on . I know, I know, I was here just two days ago...Gus Grimly and other people including you helped me to overcome that moment of weakness, and I stood up on my feet again... It's normal to miss people, well on second thought, miss everything... when my cat died, I cried a month... well the cat is dead! and I don't have shamanistic powers...this is the situation we are in pal...the cat is dead...hopefully they have the shamanistic power at least...so it is not as bad...let things go, it is like a video game, you see in video games, everything is under your control and the world is seen from the view of the main character, heck it feels like the main character is the center of the world .. we are the main characters now, believe me everything is under our control ...as long as we play the way it is meant to be played... Edited September 6, 2015 by Samuel_22 2
Author drseuss Posted September 6, 2015 Author Posted September 6, 2015 Im the same ,i get sad when i sell a car and see it driving off , I really apriciate you guys , I know im in a road to a much better place ,I feel these moments are important because they are part of the process , i just hope I won't have many more to deal with 1
Samuel_22 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Im the same ,i get sad when i sell a car and see it driving off , I really apriciate you guys , I know im in a road to a much better place ,I feel these moments are important because they are part of the process , i just hope I won't have many more to deal with Remember mate, a friend once told me, every scratch, every pain, just makes us better, stronger people, we are evolving...and I love any type of evolution...the more pain, the stronger we become... nice talking to you...at least we two are not alone...we are going through the same pain...trust me the outcome will be superb... if you wanted to talk, I will always be around 1
theredpill Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 I got my brother to collect what I'd left and drop her stuff off that was here, take sometime to heal and start dating, then you'll have options if she comes back. Did this with the ex, ex and when she came back I'd already moved onto someone else. Never wait around or agree to terms you don't accept, leaving her completely alone is the best thing you can do, Gus is absolutely right on this one.
Author drseuss Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 So nearly at 7 weeks post bu , I've ridden the roller coaster and it's leveled out now and I seem to have settle in a mostly ok but sad and kind of lonely/missing state .for a couple weeks I was in a rrally good " I don't want her back " state or mind but I've slipped back into a "I want her back" mindset I keep thinking of wanting to reconile and it's holding me back , im dwelling on seeing my ex best friend by chance at a bar and spoke to her , then exactly 1 week later I went back there woth a girl (this we 3 weeks after the break ) and I could not believe my exs best friend was there again , I knew I had a bad feeling about going with a girl who I wasn't interested in and was only going on a date to try and help me , which it didn't . So obviously she will have told my ex and I feel it will have made her think im a total ass and she would have thought less of me The other thing I can't stop contemplating is I have a shirt my ex left at mine ages ago and I know she really likes it and a brush of hers , I have only just found them and I want to post them to her , I also feel like putting a note in there just seeing how she is and letting her know im thinking of her in hopes of restarting some contact, im close to messaging her best freind who I really get on with and that was gutted we broke up ,to see how she is before I send the stuff to ask how she is and if she thinks I'm wasting my time ect or if she is back with her ex or if she has said anything about me ....... pathetic I know I know that I should have the attitude of who give a **** I was with another girl im single and can do what I like and I should just give her stuff to a 3rd party to give back to her and be done with it but I'm struggling and need some help ... 1
Truth34 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I know the feeling of wanting to ask their friend for advice or to know whats up. I would imagine that to be a bad idea, though. I think no matter what, its better to directly relay things of importance because its going to get back to them anyway. So might as well have enough balls to actually ask the person it involves. Which leads me to the contradiction of saying I dont think you should ask her anything yet. Or send the items. Maybe down the road, but 7 weeks isnt really a long time. I feel like if you want to be tactful and seem more level headed, mail it off in another few months. Just my opinion.. 2
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 So nearly at 7 weeks post bu , I've ridden the roller coaster and it's leveled out now and I seem to have settle in a mostly ok but sad and kind of lonely/missing state .for a couple weeks I was in a rrally good " I don't want her back " state or mind but I've slipped back into a "I want her back" mindset I keep thinking of wanting to reconile and it's holding me back , im dwelling on seeing my ex best friend by chance at a bar and spoke to her , then exactly 1 week later I went back there woth a girl (this we 3 weeks after the break ) and I could not believe my exs best friend was there again , I knew I had a bad feeling about going with a girl who I wasn't interested in and was only going on a date to try and help me , which it didn't . So obviously she will have told my ex and I feel it will have made her think im a total ass and she would have thought less of me The other thing I can't stop contemplating is I have a shirt my ex left at mine ages ago and I know she really likes it and a brush of hers , I have only just found them and I want to post them to her , I also feel like putting a note in there just seeing how she is and letting her know im thinking of her in hopes of restarting some contact, im close to messaging her best freind who I really get on with and that was gutted we broke up ,to see how she is before I send the stuff to ask how she is and if she thinks I'm wasting my time ect or if she is back with her ex or if she has said anything about me ....... pathetic I know I know that I should have the attitude of who give a **** I was with another girl im single and can do what I like and I should just give her stuff to a 3rd party to give back to her and be done with it but I'm struggling and need some help ... Hi drseuss... I am so sorry you are going through this phase again...you know me and you know that I am going through the same thing here...thoughts!!! this is what is killing us at the moment...don't want to criticize you for what you did. I would, if I hadn't done somehow the similar thing you did... funny I had bought her a dress, and I was thinking of posting the dress for her too....I ponder on this. And I think, "we are not broken. we don't need fixing. We are fine as we are!" See. It's more a tweak that's needed more than anything else, 99.9% of our problems are that we follow the script in our head. The what? The script! That's the voice you hear in your head. I've been known to be impatient time to time. Especially when emotionally charged. Listen I'd say you can have her back, if you want and when I say it, I mean it...it is really really probable...Especially because she has gone back to her ex! her ex is her ex for a reason...But at the moment, any attempt to get her back is going to backfire. You can only be with her again when she is in the right emotional state, and you also need to be in the right emotional state at that time...To make headway with your ex she has to feel like spending time with you is a natural and "this feels right" thing to do. If it doesn't feel like that it isn't the right time. And it doesn't matter how long its been since you last contacted her. You can't jump the gun and expect a nice outcome! Continue the conversation in her head, not the one in your head .. If she isn't ready to hear from you then it isn't the right time, remember I told you about infinite patience? What do you do when someone chases you? You run of course! You have to wait for her to reach out, and in the mean time, you have to continue your life, employ ''It is over'' mindset I always like to think of the worst outcome. this never hurts, and focus merely on yourself, improve yourself, get better everyday, become a masterpiece, date new people, how do you know maybe the right person is just passing by...and when your eyes are filled with tears, you wont see that person.... I like playing video games. In a game, who's in the center of the screen? You are! Well, the character you control is. You are the center of the game world. And everything happens around you, Turns out that's a pretty good way to approach life ... To put yourself in the center of YOUR screen. Because it's a common mistake to put OTHER people or things in the center of YOUR screen rather than yourself. You know .. Putting your focus OUT THERE all the time? It's not healthy. Spending all that time looking AWAY from yourself has consequences. Do this and your identity fades a little .. And hear this: The more obsessed you are with whatever you've put center of your screen . The less of YOU there is left over. Do it long enough and who you are — your identity — can become a distant memory. And what takes its place is ..An identity built around the who or what that you put center in your screen. And yes .. I AM talking about your ex here. So whose on your screen now? So it will lead to the ''Who am I?'' mindset... Sorry mate it is too long, but I told you what I had to tell you... 2
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 And drseuss, I wanted to share something with you, but I dunno if it is a good idea...I was in two minds about sharing this with others, but I think you have to read this... prof Amber Vennum has carried out a study about going back to an ex, in his findings he mentions that the length of cyclical relationships( going back to an ex ) for 80% of couples is about 14 weeks... almost 3 months...beware mate I don't want to give you any false hopes, but I think there is something behind it...Especially for couples who reconcile in less than a year...the risk is greater...that might mean something, but in the mean time that might mean nothing....but google the study and its findings, might help 1
Author drseuss Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I know the feeling of wanting to ask their friend for advice or to know whats up. I would imagine that to be a bad idea, though. I think no matter what, its better to directly relay things of importance because its going to get back to them anyway. So might as well have enough balls to actually ask the person it involves. Which leads me to the contradiction of saying I dont think you should ask her anything yet. Or send the items. Maybe down the road, but 7 weeks isnt really a long time. I feel like if you want to be tactful and seem more level headed, mail it off in another few months. Just my opinion.. It makes no sense that I know this but when I slip into this silly mindset I just don't listen to myself and as soon as someone else says it to me it really helps me snap out of it , but ive reached a point where I know im just kidding myself when I say I don't want her back , I know it wouldn't be a good thing to get back with her , and I doubt she even thought much about me ! , I just want to be over it , the 12 year age gap should be enough to make me run and the fact she not over her ex and I was a rebound but I feel we started something so good and if she could find the strength to let him go , which she really said she wanted to do , things would have worked out so well 2
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 It makes no sense that I know this but when I slip into this silly mindset I just don't listen to myself and as soon as someone else says it to me it really helps me snap out of it , but ive reached a point where I know im just kidding myself when I say I don't want her back , I know it wouldn't be a good thing to get back with her , and I doubt she even thought much about me ! , I just want to be over it , the 12 year age gap should be enough to make me run and the fact she not over her ex and I was a rebound but I feel we started something so good and if she could find the strength to let him go , which she really said she wanted to do , things would have worked out so well Believe me you you are not kidding yourself...it is your logic telling you, you don't want her back, your heart, however, is playing these tricks on you...I bet even if she came back and you accepted, you would be with her for a month, then you will kick yourself for wasting so much energy and emotions on her...then you will come here and say, ''how do I get rid of her?'' now this is what I have seen in the past, I might be wrong about your case, but I doubt it is otherwise
Author drseuss Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I think and hope you are right ,a part of me wants that to happen , which is selfish I know It's funny you say that because I made a thread a day or so ago about a really old ex of mine who I contacted and she was always very cold and rejecting because of the past but this time was different and we chatted a bit until last night she rang me !! Much to my surprise and it made me feel so excited , by the end of the phone call I remember how I am just totaly not into her at all !! But I think I wanted her bacuse she always told me to f off and when she did finally make contact I soon lost interst I just hate that with each week that goes by in feel her fading in my mind and I know im probaly just a blur in hers ...... 1
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I think and hope you are right ,a part of me wants that to happen , which is selfish I know It's funny you say that because I made a thread a day or so ago about a really old ex of mine who I contacted and she was always very cold and rejecting because of the past but this time was different and we chatted a bit until last night she rang me !! Much to my surprise and it made me feel so excited , by the end of the phone call I remember how I am just totaly not into her at all !! But I think I wanted her bacuse she always told me to f off and when she did finally make contact I soon lost interst I just hate that with each week that goes by in feel her fading in my mind and I know im probaly just a blur in hers ...... drseuss we have been rejected and all we want is approval from those who have rejected us...why do you think dumpees always want their ex back? even in worst situations...I mean I saw a girl at university, who wanted her abusive ex back... when she told me, he used to hit her, mistreat her etc... I was shocked, why did she really want him back? not that they really love that person, it is that they just need them to prove they are worth it... I knew a girl, she was a sweet girl, she was my friend's girlfriend...until one day my friend broke up with her time passed by and she was a mess... she even made friends with a boy who was FAR better than my friend, but was still thinking of my friend...one day after a long time that friend of mine came to university and...she burst into tears...oh God but why? you have a better, more handsome, richer, nicer boyfriend!!! the truth is she was seeking approval from that person, nothing else...
Blanco Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Believe me you you are not kidding yourself...it is your logic telling you, you don't want her back, your heart, however, is playing these tricks on you...I bet even if she came back and you accepted, you would be with her for a month, then you will kick yourself for wasting so much energy and emotions on her...then you will come here and say, ''how do I get rid of her?'' now this is what I have seen in the past, I might be wrong about your case, but I doubt it is otherwise This is very true. My last girlfriend and I split a couple of times in three years. The only one that lasted more than a couple days (aside from the final one) really hurt me. It took about three weeks for her to start hinting via text she had made a mistake. It THRILLED me to get these texts, though I played it cool, even after she finally told me she had made the wrong decision. We wound up back together for another year and a half, but check this: I was already second-guessing myself for getting back with her TWO WEEKS after. Sometimes people really do make the wrong choice to end a relationship and a second go around can work. But most of the time, the relationship ended for valid reasons. If you let emotion cloud judgment, you might end up back together, but eventually the relationship will fall apart again, especially if the reasons that ended it the first time weren't resolved. 1
Truth34 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 DrSuess! I have done the same thing since my "break" about two months ago. I contacted two girls who I really don't need anything to do with, but both seemed somewhat happy to hear from me so I went along with it. But I know that no matter if we hangout or not, the void I have will certainly still be there. These two girls aren't anything I really want in my life anyway, but It still makes you feel excited at times. As long as I'm not stuck at home bored out of my mind, anything is a good thing with this. It's all about moving on with your life and keeping busy, which is what contacting old friends does for me I guess..
Author drseuss Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 This is very true. My last girlfriend and I split a couple of times in three years. The only one that lasted more than a couple days (aside from the final one) really hurt me. It took about three weeks for her to start hinting via text she had made a mistake. It THRILLED me to get these texts, though I played it cool, even after she finally told me she had made the wrong decision. We wound up back together for another year and a half, but check this: I was already second-guessing myself for getting back with her TWO WEEKS after. Sometimes people really do make the wrong choice to end a relationship and a second go around can work. But most of the time, the relationship ended for valid reasons. If you let emotion cloud judgment, you might end up back together, but eventually the relationship will fall apart again, especially if the reasons that ended it the first time weren't resolved. This so often seems to be the case that once a relationship is damaged it's never the same but I know it's just my luck if my ex gets back with her ex they will end up living happily ever after . They've been at this on off **** for 12 years ......
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