DirtyBerty Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Hi. Hoping to get some help from you all. Basically about 3 weeks ago my gf dumped me after 7 years. We lived together for the last 4 months only. For the last couple of years I wasn't happy in the relationship. I thought there was no future but I stayed with her and moved in with her because I was afraid of ending it and was afraid of being alone. 3 weeks ago she left and I was absolutely devastated. I was so upset and for a week couldn't eat, sleep, in constant pain etc. I had to leave our flat as there were so many memories and everything there was bought and put together by us. I tried to make her change her mind and tried to get her back when it first happened and again a week later. But now I've not seen her for another couple of weeks I can't seem to drop the idea that I want to try again. I'm so lonely and in so much pain without her I keep convincing myself that I want her back and I have to fight for her. Even though I know I wasn't happy and wanted to end it myself. Any advice from anyone? I spent 2 hours writing out a letter last night that I thought I might send to her to try and win her back. I'm thinking of sending it to try and get one last bit of closure. What do I do? I'm hurting a lot more than I thought I would and I'm so scared that at 31 I won't find anyone else and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. All I ever wanted when I was young was to fall in love, start a family and settle down. Now I'm so scared. She was my only and first love.
drseuss Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Sorry to hear you are hurting but there is good news ,you will get over this ,it's totaly normal when you are dilerious with heartbreak and emotion after a break up to want to try and salvage what you have lost and to miss your ex like crazy , after all she was half of your life . But I wouldn't contact her just yet , you should only contact her when you are seeing clearly and not acting on emotion , and even when you are seeing clearly you need to think very carefully . The fact is she left you because she doesn't want to be with you anymore and the chances are she is gone for good . So at the moment you need to go no contact , delete all means of contact and don't spent all hours looking at photos and memories of her , it will drag your healing out so much . Aim for 30 days and then go from there ,it's going to be rough but you can do it Remember you went actualy happy with her ,it's just human nature that you have been rejected and it's too much to swallow
Author DirtyBerty Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Thanks. I know you're right and it's just the hurt and loneliness that wants me to get back with her. It just doesn't make it any easier. The only reason I'm thinking of sending this letter is we have to give notice to the letting company on our apartment at the end of the month. I want to try and win her back before 2nd September because if it works I can convince her to move back in with me. We also have a short holiday booked for the weekend so it seems that's the perfect week to try again. I just don't know what to do. I keep going back and forth from "I didn't want to be with her" to "I'll do anything To get her back". Some friends are understanding and some are getting annoyed with me because I won't listen to them. It's just so hard. I'm not ignoring them but they seem to be annoyed that I don't follow their advice word for word.
drseuss Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Your in that place where very one is giving you the same advice and all you want to hear is ,send that letter ! Try and win her back ! Do it now ! But nobody is telling you to do that because it's not the right thing to , you weren't happy , and clearly she was unhappy because she has left you ,imagine you cpuld find someone who you are happy with and that loves you I think you have made your mind up about the letter ,maybe you need to just send it get it all out of your system and be done with it ,but you could end up back in a rs your not happy which means it will be doomed to fail again . ...
Meli22 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Why were you so unhappy? I'm a firm believer of the old saying "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" .. However, if there were actual reasons for your unhappiness and hers, and not just boredom, then I would go against trying to reconcile.
Author DirtyBerty Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 It's hard because I know you're right. My friends tell me the same. I'm not 100% yet on the letter. I've got it written out on my phone but not on paper. I guess I kee falling back on the thought "what if I tried" "what if I made an effort". Honestly the last 2 years while I was unhappy I didn't do anything. I'd get home from work and just lie in bed all evening watching TV. I hardly went out. When I did it was with work people. I'd on occasion go to dinner or the cinema with my gf maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But that was it. I keep thinking maybe I wasn't just unhappy with her I was unhappy in general. Since the break up I've been so active and feel like I'm a bit reborn. I've literally done something every day and every evening. I've made friends with people I'd let go years ago. I've lost 12 pounds (I'm overweight so seeing that as good). I've played golf and tennis. It's like I have a new life, but it's a new life I want to try and share with my ex again. That's what the letter focuses on. Honestly I know NC is the best and quickest way to get over it. It's just with our apartment contract ending at the end of the month and our holiday booked everything in my body is telling me to fight and fight and fight for her. Just this one last time. If it doesn't work, then go with NC. But it's just so hard to know. I'm so scared about dating and finding someone else.
Author DirtyBerty Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Why were you so unhappy? I'm a firm believer of the old saying "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" .. However, if there were actual reasons for your unhappiness and hers, and not just boredom, then I would go against trying to reconcile. I think boredom was a big factor. I was comfortable, I was content, before moving in we would only see eachother maybe 2 or 3 times a week because she was air cabin crew so flew all over the world most weeks. We got stuck in a rut I think and when we moved in I was seeing her much more. I enjoyed it when she was away because I liked my own space. So being honest I was probably at my happiest when she was not there (which is worrying). But even with memories and thoughts like that it still doesn't help or take the pain away.
Meli22 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 That's the thing with boredom, people run for the hills when it sets in rather than actually recognising it and doing something about it. Boredom and complacency is really common and quite inevitable in long term relationships but it can always be solved or prevented. We all know that relationships take work to keep up that spark. Why did she leave you?
drseuss Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It's hard because I know you're right. My friends tell me the same. I'm not 100% yet on the letter. I've got it written out on my phone but not on paper. I guess I kee falling back on the thought "what if I tried" "what if I made an effort". Honestly the last 2 years while I was unhappy I didn't do anything. I'd get home from work and just lie in bed all evening watching TV. I hardly went out. When I did it was with work people. I'd on occasion go to dinner or the cinema with my gf maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But that was it. I keep thinking maybe I wasn't just unhappy with her I was unhappy in general. Since the break up I've been so active and feel like I'm a bit reborn. I've literally done something every day and every evening. I've made friends with people I'd let go years ago. I've lost 12 pounds (I'm overweight so seeing that as good). I've played golf and tennis. It's like I have a new life, but it's a new life I want to try and share with my ex again. That's what the letter focuses on. Honestly I know NC is the best and quickest way to get over it. It's just with our apartment contract ending at the end of the month and our holiday booked everything in my body is telling me to fight and fight and fight for her. Just this one last time. If it doesn't work, then go with NC. But it's just so hard to know. I'm so scared about dating and finding someone else. Herring you say you thing you should fight makes me feel like I wasn't to fight to get my girl back , but the reality quickly hits that they left you and your fighting for someone that doesn't want you .... it should be them fighting tonght you back ..... It's so tricky , every day I have multiple urges to contact her and try and kick things back into motion but I know i will regret it . Try to focus on the negatives and realise it wasn't a good rs
Author DirtyBerty Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 That's the thing with boredom, people run for the hills when it sets in rather than actually recognising it and doing something about it. Boredom and complacency is really common and quite inevitable in long term relationships but it can always be solved or prevented. We all know that relationships take work to keep up that spark. Why did she leave you? She left me overs very minor argument. But it turned out that was the last straw. She too wasn't happy for a couple of years. She would sometimes fee like ending it but then we'd have a good week or a nice holiday or vacation. She just said she doesn't think we can live together and were unhappy, so she left. She's like that, once she decides something it's so quick. She moved all her stuff out of the apartment within a week.
Meli22 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It's hard for other people to give you advice when you can't pinpoint why you were unhappy. Reconciliation can't really happen unless both people work on whatever issues caused the break up in the first place
Chronograph Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I think I was, or still am in a similar state as you. It was my first long-term relationship and at times I felt bored and unhappy. Particularly towards the end, in the last few years. And (we were living together but he worked more and more and was away a lot) I sometimes enjoyed my time most, when he was not there. So, maybe we both had lost interest in each other, I don't know. Him working more and more, me being frustrated by that, I complained about it, he worked even more cause he was frustrated by my complaints. And when he wasn't there I at least had my freedom to do whatever I liked (and still had this soothing safe feeling in the back of mind, that said: Everything is okay, I've got a boyfriend). It's quite honest of you to admit that you weren't happy yourself but that you still feel lonely now and want her back. I feel similar. Part of me knows I wasn't completely happy in the relationship. But another part says: well, we could have worked it out. But then I'm not sure, why I want him back actually. I have the suspicion that it is fear and my hurt ego, that of cause wants him to realize how great I am and how he cannot possibly live happily without me. But it's neither wanting this old relationship with him back, nor in fact him as he was in the end. It's wanting the comfort back. The good feeling of security, and "being at home". So, maybe you can try and examine what it is, that you want back. Is it her? Is it being in a relationship, because otherwise you feel uncomfortable and lonely? Is it her but in a changed, better relationship? What is it? Fact remains though, sadly, that she left you and she's probably not thinking about getting back with you right now. And no letter in the world will change that. I've read that either the dumper realizes that the breakup was a mistake just hours or days after the break up ... or most likely never ... or in some unlikely cases the dumper realizes it a long time after the break up. So like minimum a year, or so. In most cases when the dumpee has already moved on and doesn't want the dumper back. So, well, it looks like the odds are against reconciliations.
thejabberwocky Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 There is a certain amount of attachment in a relationship that has nothing to do with the individual person. It's quite literally chemical. It exists so that if we reproduce, we stay attached to our family and they have the best chance of survival. This is what it sounds like is happening to you. Don't get fooled. You don't miss your ex, you miss your relationship. But you could have an even better relationship with someone else. I suggest backing off for a while. Do a 60 day No Contact plan. After 60 days, that relationship attachment should calm down and you can get a clear view on who it is you're in love with. If you realize that you really do love her, then you can go get her back then. After 60 days of NC, she will definitely miss you (relationship attachment works both ways). You'll actually have a better shot than you would right now anyway. If you realize that you just miss being with someone and it has nothing to do with her, then you can move on and leave her alone. NC also sets you up to move on as quickly as possible, since it helps you get out of that hyper emotional state. Good luck. 1
Emma1a Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I think I was, or still am in a similar state as you. It was my first long-term relationship and at times I felt bored and unhappy. Particularly towards the end, in the last few years. And (we were living together but he worked more and more and was away a lot) I sometimes enjoyed my time most, when he was not there. So, maybe we both had lost interest in each other, I don't know. Him working more and more, me being frustrated by that, I complained about it, he worked even more cause he was frustrated by my complaints. And when he wasn't there I at least had my freedom to do whatever I liked (and still had this soothing safe feeling in the back of mind, that said: Everything is okay, I've got a boyfriend). It's quite honest of you to admit that you weren't happy yourself but that you still feel lonely now and want her back. I feel similar. Part of me knows I wasn't completely happy in the relationship. But another part says: well, we could have worked it out. But then I'm not sure, why I want him back actually. I have the suspicion that it is fear and my hurt ego, that of cause wants him to realize how great I am and how he cannot possibly live happily without me. But it's neither wanting this old relationship with him back, nor in fact him as he was in the end. It's wanting the comfort back. The good feeling of security, and "being at home". So, maybe you can try and examine what it is, that you want back. Is it her? Is it being in a relationship, because otherwise you feel uncomfortable and lonely? Is it her but in a changed, better relationship? What is it? Fact remains though, sadly, that she left you and she's probably not thinking about getting back with you right now. And no letter in the world will change that. I've read that either the dumper realizes that the breakup was a mistake just hours or days after the break up ... or most likely never ... or in some unlikely cases the dumper realizes it a long time after the break up. So like minimum a year, or so. In most cases when the dumpee has already moved on and doesn't want the dumper back. So, well, it looks like the odds are against reconciliations. Hi Chronograph, I read your story - I know exactly how you feel - my story is very very similar to yours. Except that your relationship was twice longer than mine (I can only imagine how hard it must be for you). I am 27 now, we were together since i was 19. I guess I should thank him for leaving me early, I cannot imagine if he wait to do this until couple years later when I would've have invested more. I hope you feel ok nowadays! Same with yours, we were both unhappy towards the end but i never thought that we would break up, always thought we'd get through the tough times together. But i guess nothing lasts forever, especially when they meet and want to try it with someone new. Let's stay strong! 1
Chronograph Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Well, thank you Emma1a! I'm doing okay, maybe surprisingly so after just 4.5 months. Still riding the waves, though. But yeah, I'm really relieved I didn't have kids with him already, that would have been so much worse! I guess you can be happy that he left you "kind of early". Early enough. But I don't know, every situation is unique. And you cannot control when bad things happen to you. I guess in every bad situation there is also a good side to it. Even if you're dumped when you are 39 or 46 with kids. (Not that I know what good lies in there but since nothing in this world is onesided there must be some good in there as well.) Yeah, stay strong! 1
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 She left me overs very minor argument. But it turned out that was the last straw. She too wasn't happy for a couple of years. She would sometimes fee like ending it but then we'd have a good week or a nice holiday or vacation. She just said she doesn't think we can live together and were unhappy, so she left. She's like that, once she decides something it's so quick. She moved all her stuff out of the apartment within a week.So basically, she felt just like you did, and the only difference is that she had the guts to end it? Credit her for being brave and learn something from this. Forget the "winning her back" nonsense. Why do you resist your good fortune?
Author DirtyBerty Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 So basically, she felt just like you did, and the only difference is that she had the guts to end it? Credit her for being brave and learn something from this. Forget the "winning her back" nonsense. Why do you resist your good fortune? I wish it was that simple. 7 years of attachment being ripped away is not good fortune. I feel incredibly depressed and and really struggling.
Samuel_22 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Ok this is what I want to say...You were not happy with her...and believe me when I say this...''You don't know what you have got until you lose it?'' Nonsense...so what is happening to you now? well MEN love in hindsight, when too much distance has been built...women alike, but women can tell you they love you, and can actually mean it at the moment...I am a teacher, and I remember when my ex, decided to change the school and teach somewhere else, it was only then I really fell for her, it was only then I put forward the marriage idea, and it was only then when I started to act in clingy/needy way...2 months later when she put forward the break up subject, I became devastated... You are just scared, that does not mean you are in love, well this is exactly what I am going through after 35 days of no contact, I know that I don't love her now, and I know there were so many differences between us that, we couldn't drag for so long, but I am scared! I am 28 and I keep thinking of ''what ifs'' What if I don't find anyone better? What if I am supposed to live the rest of my life alone? What if she was the only one for me? What if I sent her a message and told her I loved her? would it work? What if I tried magic spells, how about that? would it work? All these questions have roots in the first question... Now how about this one? What if you are sure you will meet and click with someone 110% better both physically and emotionally in just 3 months from now? Do you still want her back? NO The thing is we have gone into panic mode, we feel insecure, we have fallen into the unknown, and that's all....
Meli22 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Ok this is what I want to say...You were not happy with her...and believe me when I say this...''You don't know what you have got until you lose it?'' Nonsense...so what is happening to you now? well MEN love in hindsight, when too much distance has been built...women alike, but women can tell you they love you, and can actually mean it at the moment...I am a teacher, and I remember when my ex, decided to change the school and teach somewhere else, it was only then I really fell for her, it was only then I put forward the marriage idea, and it was only then when I started to act in clingy/needy way...2 months later when she put forward the break up subject, I became devastated... You are just scared, that does not mean you are in love, well this is exactly what I am going through after 35 days of no contact, I know that I don't love her now, and I know there were so many differences between us that, we couldn't drag for so long, but I am scared! I am 28 and I keep thinking of ''what ifs'' What if I don't find anyone better? What if I am supposed to live the rest of my life alone? What if she was the only one for me? What if I sent her a message and told her I loved her? would it work? What if I tried magic spells, how about that? would it work? All these questions have roots in the first question... Now how about this one? What if you are sure you will meet and click with someone 110% better both physically and emotionally in just 3 months from now? Do you still want her back? NO The thing is we have gone into panic mode, we feel insecure, we have fallen into the unknown, and that's all.... While I agree with this I do believe the not knowing what you've got until it's gone cliche does have some truth behind it. The problem is people often lose themselves in relationships, take their partners for granted and so on. And sometimes it does take a shocking wake up call to realise that. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP but I'm just saying it can ring true. I don't know why the OP was unhappy but he did mentioned boredom. To me that is inevitable unless real effort is put in to relationships to avoid ruts and routines. I became bored in my last relationship which made me slightly unhappy, difference being I was completely willing to work on that because I recognised it. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but that's just my take. If unhappiness stems from somewhere else then that's a different matter, and that's where communication is vital.
thunder777 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Sounds like you both wanted more be strong "man" dont go soft on it it was beautiful in many ways to have each other but many ways it wasnt. be a hero to yourself be hard and strong and face the fight ahead of u now after 10 days of absolutely NO CONTACT, (remove everything about her from your life and home, and all avenues of contacting her) youlll soon find your feet, and DO NOT look at her social media use this forum and tinder if you have it and break on through to the other side the next version of you, work towards that
Blanco Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I was in a similar situation. Three-year relationship, not very good, and pretty much dull or outright bad the last year. I finally left, because I knew she was feeling the same way. Only when she started seeing someone new did I get panicky about making the wrong decision. I even wrote a letter, probably two or three pages, detailing how I had realized my mistake and how I was ready to build a life with her and her children. If I do say so myself, it was beautifully written and in some spots, the kind of thing you'd expect to find in a romance movie. Well guess what? She had her second date with the new guy that night and she slept with him*, so obviously the letter didn't do much, ya know? Point is, you don't really want her back. You want the companionship and the comfort that nearly a decade-long relationship afforded you. It doesn't always make the transition from the old life to the new one easier to know this, but in the long run, you'll probably realize you had to experience this devastation to get to something better. *I only know this because she was still using my Netflix account and there were seven or eight episodes of a show that had been "watched" the previous night/early morning.
drseuss Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) It's always hard to accept but being a dumpee and coming on here made me think of girl I have had sort 3-6 month flings with that were beautiful sexy amazing women who would have been great girlfriends and one day I would just wake up and end it for no reason other that I wasn't feeling that much , nothing they had done nothing I could pinpoint , all of them would have been amazing girlfriends but in didn't want them as my gf I then went on with my life and never really thought of them again , it was only being in here made me think of some of them , for all I know they ended up on forums balling there eyes out and I was totaly clueless and getting on with my life ..... This put alot of stuff in perspective for me and I can honestly say I mist be 95% over my ex now by being posative and wanting to move on , I don't feel im in no contact anymore because I don't care if I do or don't hear from her , ide say hello see how she is and leave it at that , you'll get there ,I never thought I was gping to at one point Edited September 16, 2015 by drseuss
Meli22 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) It's always hard to accept but being a dumpee and coming on here made me think of girl I have had sort 3-6 month flings with that were beautiful sexy amazing women who would have been great girlfriends and one day I would just wake up and end it for no reason other that I wasn't feeling that much , nothing they had done nothing I could pinpoint , all of them would have been amazing girlfriends but in didn't want them as my gf I then went on with my life and never really thought of them again , it was only being in here made me think of some of them , for all I know they ended up on forums balling there eyes out and I was totaly clueless and getting on with my life ..... This put alot of stuff in perspective for me and I can honestly say I mist be 95% over my ex now by being posative and wanting to move on , I don't feel im in no contact anymore because I don't care if I do or don't hear from her , ide say hello see how she is and leave it at that , you'll get there ,I never thought I was gping to at one point See this baffles me. I don't know how people can be in relationships then suddenly decide they aren't into them. Maybe because yours was just a fling but.. One of my relationships was for two years and he suddenly decided he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Nothing had changed, I hadn't done anything wrong, he couldn't pin point it. It's actually scary and if I thought about it long enough it could easily put me off letting down my guard in future relationships because of how damaging to the esteem it is. Maybe I'm just different which is why I struggle to relate to those in relationships who, for no reason, just decide that person isn't the "one" anymore Edited September 16, 2015 by Meli22
drseuss Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I think some people have less control over their subconscious mind and one day it becomes something that they continously think of and act on , but I don't know I couldn't accept my ex not wanting to be with me anymore .... There must be a reason because it happens alot but I also think some people are just good at kidding themselves and going along with things and then one day they just can't do it anymore ,
Jc396 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 I'm in a similar situation. My ex bf of 5 years dumped me about 2 weeks ago cause he was unhappy. We had a rough last two years of working through him cheating on me. I couldn't quite forgive him for it as easily as I thought I could and just used that as an avenue to change him which he began to resent me and started to try and change me. It was our first relationship so I don't think we knew any better. One thing led to another and he left me for not essentially giving him what he wanted in a relationship. As devastating as it is to lose someone I have had by my side for so long, when I actually think about it, I wasn't happy and I knew he wasn't. It just came at a surprise that he realized it first and left me. Idk If I want him back but I know I don't want the same relationship back. I want a relationship where we each accept each other for who we are. Maybe it's possible to miss the security a relationship gives you and not actually miss the person or the relationship.
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