Do people dangle breakup threats without serious intent? Or is my GF about to nix me

[spriggan2]

Hi,

 

I made a post recently about my 5 month LDR where the last time I was face to face with my girlfriend I got mixed signals. Well it looks like my worries were not in vain because today we talked on the phone and she shared some serious issues she has with me, like she might be losing her attraction, and she proceeded to say she doesn't think she can figure things out until the next time we meet face to face.

 

The funny thing is when I mentioned I was worried she was going to break up with me, she seemed a bit surprised, she even chuckled. And she also said "I don't want to break up with you, but..." and left it at that.

 

So my problem is this: I think her concerns are justified and I understand her dilemma, but I still cant gauge how serious she is about staying with me or breaking things off because if it, or if she's just upset and this breakup threat is her lashing out. I was going to ask her if she saw me as long term relationship potential, but amid her issues, it's probably a bad idea. And I believe her attraction to me actually is fading a little.

 

The reason this is a problem for me is because I really really like her. I am falling in love with her every day. Ive accepted the things about her that aren't my cup of tea, I want her to like me, but this point of uncertainty she's in now is absolutely killing me. It's ruined my appetite. I'm up at 2 in the morning typing this post. Sleep is a fond memory. I can't concentrate at work and I have big projects that require my full attention. I just don't know how I can wait until I see her next month to gain clarity. It seems impossible. On top of that, the idea that she'll discover something during that one weekend which will make or break us seems absurd. I vowed to work on the issues over the month and demonstrate improvement, but I feel like I'll just be under this pressure to perform for her, which is weird. I'm also not convinced that my improvement, no matter how dramatic, is something that can really rekindle what we started off with. Maybe she's just not into me anymore and there's truly nothing I can save.

 

So I don't know what to do. I'll be phoning her tomorrow and I don't know how much of this to share. I want to just pour my heart out and say that this uncertainty is unbearable, and if she can manage to figure things out sooner (good or bad) that would really help. But then that's putting pressure on her which I don't know if she can do anything about.

 

Ugh. Any advice would be great. Once more...I am in utter agony.

Edited September 13, 2015 by spriggan2

[La.Primavera]

Is there any way you can see her sooner, or as a lesser option Skype?

 

Next month is too long to wait considering how you are feeling right now. You need answers, even if it isn't good news. Preferably you should speak face to face.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

[spriggan2]

Thanks.

 

Unfortunately she doesn't really like video calls because she's not comfortable with how she looks on webcam. I think some people are like that. So I'd rather not be on cam if it wont be two way.

 

As far as face to face. She just came to my city this month. I'll be going to see her next month and I can't get away from work sooner than the first weekend in October, but she will be unavailable. Columbus Day weekend is the soonest we can meet.

[La.Primavera]

Given the circumstances I don't think it is an unreasonable request to ask her to make an exception.

 

If you can't figure something out then you need to spend this time focusing on taking care of yourself, call it self preservation mode.

 

Hang in there.

[Popsicle]

I am of the opinion that anyone in an LDR should be worried about a breakup at any moment.

[Qboro90]

Thanks.

 

Unfortunately she doesn't really like video calls because she's not comfortable with how she looks on webcam. I think some people are like that. So I'd rather not be on cam if it wont be two way.

 

As far as face to face. She just came to my city this month. I'll be going to see her next month and I can't get away from work sooner than the first weekend in October, but she will be unavailable. Columbus Day weekend is the soonest we can meet.

 

I think that is an absolutely ridiculous excuse on her part. LDR are hard enough. However, the technology we have at our disposal today do make them at least somewhat easier to maintain if both parties are committed to trying. She's not trying by eliminating this HUGEEE avenue to communication with you. "I don't think I'm attractive on webcam". Ummm suck it the F up, I want to see you and not just have a relationship with my phone. I think you're attractive. Who else are you trying to impress via Skype? I don't care if you're wearing a burlap sack and haven't shaved your legs in a month, I just want to be able to talk and see your face every once in a while when we're not together...

 

You shouldn't act/sound so needy and desperate to be with her either.... Saying things like "wait... Are you thinking about breaking up with me?" Or "im worried that you're gonna break up with me" are absolute terrible things to say. She's got you by the balls and you're confirming that to her.

 

If I were you I'd have a list of grievances ready to go at your next meeting or talk together. Just like she said she has. She wants to talk and go over some things she's feeling... You need to flip it right back on her .

" I'm not sure if I'm still attracted to you". That's when you can say "well its pretty difficult to maintain attraction and have that spark with someone over the phone... And since you refuse to video chat with me then it's pretty evident you're not willing to put in the same effort to keep that spark alive as I am".

Don't just let her ramble about the things YOU need to do. She's got a ton of improvements to make as well. Feel free to voice your opinion. Respect yourself enough to have standards, and don't ever beg or guilt someone into staying with you. She'll lose respect for you and women don't date or love guys who they don't respect.

[Guyouthere]

My take is that if she doesn't want to t least cam up with you, let her go.

 

There is no real effort on her part, and so she is unworthy of your time (in my opinion).

 

Get a new one.

[TaraMaiden2]

I am of the opinion that anyone in an LDR should be worried about a breakup at any moment.

 

Pretty much, yes, I have to agree.

 

"Absence is to Love what Wind is to Fire;

It enflames the great, but extinguishes the small."

 

I only had 1 LDR; it lasted 2 months before we simply decided that separation was not for us. It was unbearable and we moved heaven and earth to be together, and still are now (11 years later).

Couldn't hack it.

 

Considering the number of threads on here about waning/failed LDRs and infidelity, I'm honestly astonished people even consider it for longer than a month.

 

But as the above quotation states, it just depends on the intensity and depth of the involvement.

But if it's unmatched, or lightweight...... It's no go.

[scorpiogirl]

She sounds kind of self-centred. She won't video call, she says things that leave you hanging for weeks. You can't let her affect your work, sleep, general well-being.

 

I'd prepare to say goodbye anyway. It's doubtful things will improve if she's playing such games now. It's hard being in a long distance relationship and both of you need to work on it together.

 

Good luck.

[jen1447]

This is just my opinion so don't take it as anything more, but I think she's already done with you. Ppl in the middle of a genuine, loving relationship don't behave the way she's behaving. I think the next month visit thing will just be the more convenient time for her to end it formally. (Be glad she doesn't do it via text lol. Actually if you push her she might.)

 

One other thing - she didn't seem to actually make a breakup threat according to what she said. She just didn't eliminate the possibility you suggested. The thing is, if you're gut's telling you everything's wrong, there's very little in the world that hold's less water than an 'assurance' from her that she won't dump you and everything's fine. (There's plenty of stories on here about ppl whose SOs happily told them how much they love them one day and ended it the next. Obvs the happy part was a transparent convenience bc they didn't just decide to dump them out of nowhere the next day.)

 

Sorry, I know it sucks.