NomadicArtist Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I'm new to these sort of forums, so bear with me... I moved to where I am currently for an internship about 8 months ago after graduating college, and met a really wonderful guy at work. We became friends, started hanging out, and after three months of getting to know each other, began seeing each other romantically/ casually dating. It was a very strong instant connection. We are both passionate about a lot of the same things, and share a lot of the same views/ perspectives on life. I feel very strongly that I can be myself with him, and it's strange - I feel as though I've known him for a long time. Things have progressed over the past 5 months, and I've begun to care for him a lot. We've become very in sync with one another, and I feel that what we have with each other is really special. We still are in an 'unofficial' relationship as we've gotten to know each other, and this is mostly because we both know my internship isn't permanent, as it will end about 4 months from now. Being a designer, my next job will very likely be in another city, especially since the town I'm in right now is kind of small. Last weekend, things got more serious. I met his family for the first time, and some of his friends, and loved getting to know them as well. It was overwhelmingly positive, and brought the both of us closer together. But...in my mind, I still go back to the fact that I'll be leaving four months from now. I brought this up again in a difficult discussion with him recently. We are bound to be separated eventually, and he seems to believe a long distance relationship doesn't make sense, or that it would be difficult for him. I respect that, as we haven't known each other for a long time (and it's hard to predict what will happen in the next 4 months) but I'm a bit more optimistic that we could make it work, and that the relationship is worth giving an LDR a try. At the end of this difficult discussion, the conclusion was either continue to see each other and enjoy what time we have, or just not see each other at all, and eventually try to ease back into a friendship potentially. This feels like one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make, and one of the most frustrating, considering I feel very strongly about the potential our relationship could have. Not sure how to handle the situation, I opted for not seeing each other anymore when we parted ways yesterday. I feel a huge sense of regret and sadness, and am not sure I've made the right decision, or approached that conversation in the right way. Is there another option that I'm not seeing? Should I have done something different? Did I make the wrong decision? I would appreciate any advice, as I'm at a loss of what to do. 1
Els Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Personally I believe an LDR can work - my SO and I were in one for 2 years. But here's the thing: In order for it to work, BOTH people have to believe in it and put in the effort for it to work. In your case, your bf is telling you it 'doesn't make sense' for him, so you absolutely made the right decision to break things off. Better to break it off now than to drag it on and end in heartbreak when you realize later that he isn't putting in the time, effort, and money needed for a LDR to survive. Because make no mistake, it takes a whole lot of the above. Traveling is time-consuming and expensive. If your distance is relatively small then the constant commuting will wear on you, if your distance is large then the plane tickets will be incredibly expensive and the trip will require sacrificing almost all of your vacation time. Keeping things alive with the additional obstacle of distance, finding a way to communicate even if it isn't convenient due to time zones - all of that takes time and commitment. No point in being in a LDR when one person isn't willing to put that in. 2
La.Primavera Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I think you might have jumped the gun a bit. I mean have you considered staying and getting a job there? How restrictive is your field? Can you use those skills in a different job? I guess it depends on how strongly you both feel about each other.
rocketman122 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I had a LT/LDR with a woman 1.2 hours away for 3 years. not easy. but if you really love the person you will find a way. I went to her 95% of the time. but she was not convinced like I was. not patient and understanding. so a lot of friction. everything was magnified because of the distance. you can be spontaneous but the drive there takes time. I was supposed to be living there near her already but we separated 3 months ago. I was certain she was the one.
madjac74 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Why do you have to move back? Are you from another country? You really didn't say how far away you will be from each other. This makes a huge difference in how possible it is to survive a LDR
madjac74 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I had a LT/LDR with a woman 1.2 hours away for 3 years. not easy. but if you really love the person you will find a way. I went to her 95% of the time. but she was not convinced like I was. not patient and understanding. so a lot of friction. everything was magnified because of the distance. you can be spontaneous but the drive there takes time. I was supposed to be living there near her already but we separated 3 months ago. I was certain she was the one. Sorry for your loss but 1.2 hours is not an LDR in my opinion. Some people make that commute everyday to work! Heck I have to drive 30 minutes to work everyday or 35 minutes to pick up my kids. If it is worth it then 1.2 hours is nothing. It sounds like you put most of the effort into the relationship and she was like "ho hum he can't get here fast enough".
Author NomadicArtist Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Sorry for your loss but 1.2 hours is not an LDR in my opinion. Some people make that commute everyday to work! Heck I have to drive 30 minutes to work everyday or 35 minutes to pick up my kids. If it is worth it then 1.2 hours is nothing. It sounds like you put most of the effort into the relationship and she was like "ho hum he can't get here fast enough". To answer your question: His job, which he plans on staying with in the next three years, is in a small town in South Carolina, USA. There is no other firms for industrial design (which is my profession) other than my internship, and I'm pretty sure they're not planning to hire a junior industrial designer any time soon. The next potential job for me would be two to three hours away, and it doesn't seem like that would be something he'd want to make work. I dunno - maybe if we give each other distance for a little bit, he'll have more time to think about it. I'm also looking for job opportunities everywhere to be honest because I don't think that it's smart for me to fully limit myself quite yet at the beginning of my own career. So the answer is, until I commit to a job, I dunno how far apart we'll be. Could be 2 hours driving or 4 hours by plane for all I know. I guess, in my mind, we could be long-distance for a year, and then figure out a place where we can both find jobs. Maybe that's insane thinking on my part though.
J21 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I think that huge sense of regret is the fact of "not trying". My mom once told me (paraphrasing here): Sometimes there are decisions in life where you may have regrets one way or another. You gotta choose what you will leave you with less regret in those situations if it doesn't quite work out. In your situation, you are probably feeling the regret of not taking a shot. But on the flip side, if you gave it a shot and it didn't work out, you would have regretted taking that chance and kick yourself because you "should have known better" considering the challenges. There is absolutely a chance this could have lead to happily ever after. But you gotta decide which you will regret less few years from now.
umirano Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) I have to jump in here as I'm in the same situation. I'm the guy though and my gf likely will leave in a few months. I've been in a serious LDR (with someone else) before and have no interest in going back to this. The girls are at the same age more or less and that's why I don't trust the new girl with the LDR. Career starters / early twenties just aren't the ones making realistic, stable long-term plans. I'm already dreading the split. I could move with her, but her being an artist as well makes any sort of planning almost impossible. While I'm pretty flexible with my job opportunities I obv need real commitment before giving up everything here. I hope that gives you a bit of an insight into his considerations. Personally I'm not preemptively breaking up with her as we're both enjoying our time together and maybe we'll grow strong enough for me to change my stance. She seemscompletely unfazed by the whole thing which according to my experience is a huge red flag. Girls seem to be able to laugh things off but I think it's just the surface. When the cold brutal reality strikes she'll either have an emotional breakdown or cut things off as if we never were anything more than a summer romance. Who knows... LDRs are a disaster if you don't have serious, realistic plans and a committed partner. And too often your partner will lie to you in order to keep getting laid or for the validation. Don't pull your bf into a LDR if you don't have a realistic plan on closing the distance with an end date and don't let your bf do the reverse to you. Edited September 13, 2015 by umirano
Hopeful30 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 You must simply ask yourself if you're okay with starting something that will end up in heartbreak, or avoiding it altogether. Only you know what you can handle. If it's worth it for you, then go for it. Nothing lasts forever anyways. If you don't want to go through the hardship, why spend your energy on that when you could be building something else?
Els Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I guess, in my mind, we could be long-distance for a year, and then figure out a place where we can both find jobs. Maybe that's insane thinking on my part though. Of course you could. A year is a pretty short time especially if you end up within driving distance. But here's the thing - he doesn't want to put in the effort for it to work, so whether or not it's possible is a moot point. Cut your losses and leave.
Maggie4 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I think you should continue to see him until the day you leave. You really like each other, and you're both already invested anyway, so there will be sadness whether you say goodbye now or later. What have you got to lose? The time to ask whether or not to date him was several months ago. Anyway that's history. Continue being happy together and treasure the time you have. Who knows, you or he may feel differently in 4 months, and you never know, the company where you're intern may hire you. Fortune favors the brave :-)
rocketman122 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Sorry for your loss but 1.2 hours is not an LDR in my opinion. Some people make that commute everyday to work! Heck I have to drive 30 minutes to work everyday or 35 minutes to pick up my kids. If it is worth it then 1.2 hours is nothing. It sounds like you put most of the effort into the relationship and she was like "ho hum he can't get here fast enough". thank for deciding what is a ldr for me. 35 minutes vs 80 minutes. yep very similar. thumbs up.
Els Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 thank for deciding what is a ldr for me. 35 minutes vs 80 minutes. yep very similar. thumbs up. Well, to be fair, 80 minutes (1 hr 20 min) is technically 1.33 hours, not 1.2... But yeah, I agree with you for the most part. 1 hr 20 min one way is very different from 1 hr round trip - more than double in fact. Someone being 30 minutes away ensures that you can make a spontaneous drive to see them after work. 1 hr 20 min makes that a lot less possible, so you only have weekends together really. I don't know if I would call that a LDR per se but it is still very different from a R where you live close to each other. The definition of 'LDR' varies from person to person anyway.
rocketman122 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Well, to be fair, 80 minutes (1 hr 20 min) is technically 1.33 hours, not 1.2... But yeah, I agree with you for the most part. 1 hr 20 min one way is very different from 1 hr round trip - more than double in fact. Someone being 30 minutes away ensures that you can make a spontaneous drive to see them after work. 1 hr 20 min makes that a lot less possible, so you only have weekends together really. I don't know if I would call that a LDR per se but it is still very different from a R where you live close to each other. The definition of 'LDR' varies from person to person anyway. try doing it on a two wheeler in the pouring rain and hail..
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