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How to stop comparing?


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Posted (edited)

Do you ever go out or see a picture and say, "she's beautiful... She's cute... She's nice, etc" and then say, "but she's not my ex and/or she's not as beautiful as my ex."

 

This is the stage I'm at. I'm not trying to compare but it seems to always happen as if I'm thinking my ex is some type of flawless angel. Don't get me wrong though, my ex is very beautiful on the inside and out but I guess we aren't together for a reason so I don't want to sell my short by trying compare everyone to my ex. No one will be my ex and no one is going to have her beauty. They are going to have their own beauty and their own personality. Everyone is different. I just have this mindset that I guess I won't be as happy as I was with her? They won't have the things I loved in my ex? Not sure....

 

I'm just trying to teach my brain again before I met her, that everyone is their own and what I found in my ex, I can find in someone else.

Edited by Calidude6
Posted

Yes a lot. I see someone talking nicely but then I think that she is not talking as nicely as my ex.

 

Very soon I ask myself "would she cheat on you like your ex?" Answer is "Yes. No. Inconclusive."

 

That means there is a little bit of hope. Obviously you feel hopeless after you see any bit of hope.

 

It's a cycle, continues until you find something better.

Posted

@calidude6

 

I feel your pain. I hope you are feeling better today.

 

Those feelings are important - they may be uncomfortable, but they're necessary for you to feel them, own them, and then use them to move forward.

Don't deny them. Let them sink in....but if you can't move forward - get some help - even just find a friend who will listen - take a walk, go to the gym, etc.

 

You are dead right - things don't work out for a variety of reasons and early on it's really hard not to think "what is she doing right now", or seeing pics of her and saying "see she's moved on and I haven't" or seeing other women and comparing them...

 

In the end though you need positive self-talk. You need to watch your thoughts and if you get stuck saying "oh - she's not as beautiful" or "would she cheat on me...." etc., you need to catch yourself and reinforce your self-worth, what you're looking for, and YES- remind yourself that the ex is not perfect (and neither are you) but you both deserve happiness and for you that means moving on and living.

  • Like 1
Posted

I've been dating a lot over the last few weeks and i've also been doing this.

 

The more I've been dating and appreciating individuals for THEIR qualities as opposed to the qualities of my ex, the less i've started to do this.

 

I'm now at a stage where i'm comparing the initial 'sparks' and attraction I feel to these girls during our date with the instant gutwrenching sparks I had with my ex when we first met, that's not great either, but it's better than comparing their attributes with my ex.

 

I would say continue to meet new girls and get to know them for who they are, the more people you make genuine connections with, the less you'll compare to your ex!

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