Do I have a chance of getting him back?

[TaylorM]

Hi Everyone,

 

First let me say that I have been going crazy after my break-up and have found deep comfort in reading forums such as this one. It's nice knowing that I am not, in fact, crazy and that everything I'm feeling is normal... Now, onto my story. It's a bit lengthy so sit tight and I appreciate any feedback.

 

I met this guy last year mid-March. He approached me at a bar, we had mutual friends. I had seen him many other places that month, always staring at me and smiling. He finally asked for my number. We began texting but never got the chance to date because he was working nights. I got a new boyfriend soon after, he got a girlfriend after that but we remained in contact. Texting all of the time.

 

Fast forward to Novemberish. He was ending things with his girlfriend, said he wasn't happy and claimed its because he really wanted to be with me. He pursued me, while I had a boyfriend, for the next 3 months or so. I honestly wasn't that happy in my relationship, I was bored. And I was very attracted to my pursue-r. I finally caved. I dumped my boyfriend February 1st. Began seeing the Pursue-r (let's call him Sean). We caught on very fast. I should probably also mention that he has previously been married and divorced. Anyway, we caught on fast. I told him I wanted to take things slow considering I had just gotten out of a relationship and because he had been married.. I was very cautious. A few weeks in he asked me to be his girlfriend. I denied and waited a few more weeks until I was ready and accepted. About a month or so in, he told me he was in love with me. I felt the same. We had a deep connection. I had never felt this way! But I waited a few weeks to say it back. Everything was amazing.. We spent a lot of time together. He has his own his and I have my own apartment but we had the perfect balance. We each have a dog too and they get along great. Every day he would tell me how in love with me he is, talk about marriage, settling down, our house one day, etc.

 

Fast forward to the end of June. Here is where we started having issues. It seemed when it came to doing things with my family, he would find excuses. He ended up breaking down and telling me he is scared to get close to someone's family again since the divorce and he lost all of that. I understood, obviously. Which brings us to July 3rd. We had a great date the night before, I stayed over. He got up early to run errands. He came back and was acting very strange. He kept claiming nothing was wrong. I finally sat him down and made him talk. He told me he wasn't sure if our relationship was right, he was having anxiety about us and he was mostly scared. We talked for hours and decided to stay together and he told me he loved me even more for being more understanding.

 

The next weekend, same thing happened. Something small set him off. He told me he would help me with something on a certain day and instead told his other friend he would help him, knowing we had plans. I got upset, naturally, and he told me he wasn't sure if he was what I wanted. We talked more and he admitted that in his marriage she was never really around so he isn't that used to having someone relying on him and wanting to do things with him. After this, we were better than ever. We understood each other even more and there was even more love shared every day. Daily gushing to each other how in love we were.

 

I'll admit, since these vents I had a little bit of anxiety that he would begin feeling this way again. But I tried to ignore it. We had a great time, taking trips together, doing things with both of our families, we spent most of our time together.. Planning for the future.

 

Fast forward to last weekend - September 5th. We went to his friends wedding together. We were having a great time. Mid-wedding he got all quiet. I asked what was wrong, he said he didn't want to be there anymore. I said alright, let's leave. On the way home he vented to me that he doesn't think he can ever marry again... inviting the same guests, asking the same friends to be in the wedding party etc. I told him he didn't need to worry about that right now, let's just take it day by day. We kept arguing all the way home about it. We got to his house, went inside to talk.. He told me that he's had a lot of anxiety about our relationship the last week. He's getting worried about settling down and he fears he's missing out on other opportunities. He even said there was a girl from his high school that he has always wanted to date and she is finally single and he would like to ask her out!! I'm still wondering if this is true or if he was just trying to hurt me to get me to leave... Either way it sounds like he's panicking about being with one person forever - again and has a bit of the "grass is greener" syndrome. I was obviously DEVASTATED. I tried to talk it out like we had before. I was sobbing, begging, he wouldn't budge. He said he just needed some time. I got up, and started gathering the things I had at his house. I think this pissed him off that I was taking it so seriously.. He then said, "Well, since you're taking all of your things can I have my key back?" I threw it at him and I left. Before I even made it home (10 minute drive) he was single on Facebook. I texted him when I got home and said something like, "Do you just push people away once they get close to you?" He responded with "I don't know" and then I sent him a text saying that I know everything we had was real and I know this isn't where our story ends and I know deep down he knows it too. He never responded. We haven't spoken since, neither of us have tried.. It's been 7 days. I deleted him from all forms of social media and he unfriended my Mom and Sister but kept all of my friends. I think he did all of these things because he got his pride hurt when I took my things.

 

I'm going crazy not talking to him but I know that the No Contact rule is key. I know this is going to sound stupid but I want him back. He is really the man of my dreams and I know that we could work it out! I know that he loves me.. He wouldn't have said all of those things to me if he didn't. He even said to me once "I've never loved someone so much, and I've been married before"! I think the wedding just really freaked him out and he had a panic attack. I loved our life together, we were always doing fun things! Four wheeling, boating, date night once a week. He's everything I've ever wanted and I've never loved someone so much. I just can't believe he hasn't even tried to talk to me. Does he even care?! I keep going crazy thinking he's just off having a great weekend without a second thought about it or me. And that not talking to me isn't phasing him.

 

I admit there were somethings I could have done differently in the relationship. I got insecure after the few times that he talked about ending it, I think anyone would. I'm not making excuses but I know failed relationships are usually caused by two people not just one. I know that I need to take these next 30 days of NC to reflect on myself and make myself more confident if this will ever work.

 

I'm just looking for some feedback, maybe some of your own stories about No Contact successes/failures? Or just a general opinion on my situation? I feel like writing here will help distract me from wanting to call or text him. Please help!!

[TaraMaiden2]

I will be completely honest with you - he sounds like "I desperately need some kind of therapy" meets "Ace spoiled brat."

 

Look at how you jumped through hoops accommodating his behaviour, being understanding, talking to him, giving him leeway and the benefit of the doubt - and he kept pushing the "I'm not ready" issue.

 

He's a GIGS cake-eater, and unless and until he faces the fact that he's a flaky commitment-phobe, sad as this may be for you to hear - you are better off without him.

He's been pulling you through hoops and messing with your mind.

I suspect some of the time (if not MOST of it!) you've been tentatively walking on egg-shells for fear of what might happen next.

 

NC is definitely the way to go.

And seriously - ? I doubt very much he will come back to you.

You're too good for him, too much of a serious commitment... He would prefer to fly any kind of intimate liaison by the seat of his pants, and not get too attached, rather than find himself connected with you again.

Too risky, too much investment.

The sincerity and intensity scared him big time.

 

He definitely needs some kind of personal therapy, because he's just to scattered for words.

 

But you aren't his therapist - and you can't fix him.

 

You can't even offer to be there for him while he gets fixed.

Because that would mean "once fixed" he would be committed to you, in dedicating his life to you - and right now, he can't see himself doing that.

 

he has to do it for himself, by himself. When he's ready.

 

And he never might be.

 

But you need to stay NC for your own benefit. And learn to love again.

[TaylorM]

Thank you so much for this reply. In my heart, I know that you are right. It's just so difficult. And I know how stupid I sound when I say "If only this was different we would be perfect". Because the perfect person would already be perfect without me having to wait for that to change. It's just been very hard this past week.. wondering if he even gives a ****. We live in the same town so I have to hold my breath every time I drive some where, hoping I won't see him and also physically restraining myself from driving by his house. Its hard when you're so used to spending every single day with someone, and texting constantly when you're not with them. It hurts. I've never invested myself so much into a relationship to be hurt so badly. I've never really dumped, honestly.. I've always been the one doing the dumping. I just love him and wish that I didn't. I also wish this heaviness in my chest would subside along with the anxiety I feel about what he's doing or who he's with. Even if he did contact me, I would ignore it.. but it would still be nice to know he actually cares, even a little bit.

[Qboro90]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know how tough it is and what an emotional toll it takes. Just know you're outlook on no contact is exactly what you should be doing. Especially seeing that even if he texted you, you would not reply. That is something most people give in to and it just makes all the progress made (even if you don't realize you've made it her) start back all over again.

 

I caution you about looking back and thinking how perfect you were for each other and if this or that was done differently then things could've worked out in the end. Also keep in mind that the "perfect for each other" and never felt this way about anyone before is all YOUR outlook and perception. You're projecting what you believed to be true about his feelings and how the relationship was to be true and sorry if it's too blunt, but odds are that he did not feel the same.

 

"I've never felt like this about anyone and I've been married before". Comment that he made to you. You can't look at things he said like that and think "he'll come back or realize he made a mistake because he told me this, or told me that. Let's face it, when people are in a relationship or in love or in lust, we say a lot of nice things. We say things that have such finality and definition because in that moment we feel it and want to express it to our partner. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that those comments are always or even majoritavely true and accurate. We may want them to be... We may even think they're true at the time we say them... But chances are it's just another compliment and way to express intimacy.

Also that comment from him should've made you think that this guy obviously doesn't have a grasp on what a relationship should be if he married someone he wasn't head over heels in love with.

 

Look at how fast your relationship with him progressed. He broke up with someone because he wanted to date you. Asks you to be his gf in a very short time dating... Drops "i love you" very early in the RS. He's an impulse type guy. Thinks that because he liked and had fun and was attracted to you then he's gonna fast track right to marriage. Then as time passes and July hits he starts having doubts.

 

He wanted to break up back in July 3rd. Unfortunately you believed that your talk and assurances about "I'm here babe I love you, just know you can rely on me no matter what" we're actually progress and a sign that you are helping him learn what love and a true partner really is. That's was just a disguise he used and implanted the seed that he wasn't 100% sure about the relationship. Every instance/argument after that was just his way of making that seed grow until it finally blossomed the day you split up.

 

I know you want to believe that he's the guy who just needs to know you'll always be there for him and won't hurt him and he's just guarded because of past experiences and pain from other women. But that's not true and you need to face that he's not a crippled boy that you can nurture into a man or husband.

 

He had it all with you, you did nothing but be the best gf and support system a girl could possibly be. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship and found another target girl that he set his sights on. If I were you I'd be offended at how he went about this and nothing would make me ever forget or forgive how callously he threw away your love and chose another unknown girl instead.

 

Stay the course, sorry for the lengthy reply.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^ Very good and insightful post. ^^

 

Take heed, there's an awful lot of wisdom and truth in it.

[TaylorM]

Thank you both SO much for your input. I really do appreciate it. I know that the only thing that will make me feel better is time. I just can't get out of my head how selfish he's been and hasn't even tried to contact me. Wouldn't hurt to at least say sorry for one day acting totally fine and calling me your best friend to the next completely blindsiding me. It's only been a week so it's still fresh but I WILL heal from it. I know that he will regret it. He has GIGS and has this image in his head of all of these girls falling all over him. Well he will see soon that isn't the case at all. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year.. but he will regret it and I'll be laughing when he tries to come back.

 

The biggest adjustment is just talking to someone all day every day, spending every moment with them, doing everything with them, including them in every plan, sleeping together every night and then going to absolutely nothing. Radio silence. It's really crazy how people think they can treat others this way when they once claimed to care about them so much. Blows my mind.

 

Once I get used to being alone, (I live alone too so it's been pretty lonely), not talking to him, being single, accepting the fact that it is over and not wondering what he is doing at all times, I'll be OK.

 

Thanks girls!

[TaraMaiden2]

Breaking up like this is very similar to being deprived of a loved one through death.

 

It's a kind of mourning - the difference being, of course, that he's very much alive.

 

I know it sounds like puerile advice (particularly after Qboro90's stirling post! ) but you need to find yourself something to do.

Dedicating and devoting your full-time to a SO, is all well and good, but as you've discovered, the void it leaves when it's over, is pretty overwhelming.

 

This is why I (when the occasion arises) always advise people to retain a part of their own lives. You're not joined at the hip; you're two individuals, deserving of some healthy independence. It's better if you develop interests you can indulge in without either necessarily involving, nor excluding the other.....

 

Try to consider something you find fulfilling and interesting... Gee, I dunno...pottery classes?

What with Christmas fast approaching, consider making personal gifts for family and friends....?

 

Consider something you love doing - then do it.

And remember.

Never abdicate who you are, for someone else's unique benefit.

[thejabberwocky]

Remember how he was dating someone when he started pursuing you?

 

This guy has absolutely no respect for you or anyone else he dates. You have dodged a bullet here. It sounds like he was telling you what you wanted to hear in the moment, but in reality, he wants to be a playboy and doesn't want to be with anyone long term.

 

Sure, the wedding could've freaked him out, but do you really want to be with someone that is sooo terrified of commitment that he doesn't even want to go to someone else's wedding? It's ridiculous.

 

He's not going to change or grow out of this. This is the kind of guy that will be hot and cold with you for the rest of your life. This is the kind of person that ends up cheating and walking out on you.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out. But I think you really lucked out, because he is not a good partner. Keep up NC and keep your head high. You will find someone so much better than this loser.

[TaylorM]

He called a few hours ago and begged for me back. I said no. IT. FELT. AWESOME.