drseuss Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I've been reading about men that act weak and need , I wouldn't say i did that in my previous rs but knowing that she wasn't as into me as I was to her I was seeking her affection and approval, I was also more availible. I guess I was too much of a nice guy buying her flower and stuff like that .... What would you define as weak , needy and behaviours that are turn offs ,because I think a break up starts weeks and months before the dumpee knows it in their behaviours and the dumper uncontiously starts to loose respect and attraction for this person as they carry on acting in a way the the eventual dumper does not like I mean , why the hell would someone dump you if you were doing everything right regardless of if they are freshbout of a rs or have baggage , It wouldn't even cross their mind surly ? Would be interesting to get some opinions ...
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I've been reading about men that act weak and need , I wouldn't say i did that in my previous rs but knowing that she wasn't as into me as I was to her I was seeking her affection and approval, I was also more availible. I guess I was too much of a nice guy buying her flower and stuff like that .... What would you define as weak , needy and behaviours that are turn offs ,because I think a break up starts weeks and months before the dumpee knows it in their behaviours and the dumper uncontiously starts to loose respect and attraction for this person as they carry on acting in a way the the eventual dumper does not like I mean , why the hell would someone dump you if you were doing everything right regardless of if they are freshbout of a rs or have baggage , It wouldn't even cross their mind surly ? Would be interesting to get some opinions ... Firstly, buying her flowers and stuff doesn't automatically make you a nice guy. You may think you are doing 'everything right' but if it's not right for her, then it's not right. If you sense she's not as into you as you are into her, let her find someone she'll be into, and give yourself the chance to find someone who thinks you're nothing short of perfect. And then buy her flowers and stuff, bc you know she'll appreciate them . 1
mightycpa Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Well, for me, the weakness was all about the fear of losing her. That resulted in a few things: Timid about sex - I didn't know how freaky she was in bed, so I held back and I didn't do things, and didn't discuss it, for fear that she might not like those things and leave me. Yes, I told her I loved her, but there were a lot of times that I would notice something that made me love her more, and I didn't say anything, for fear that she might think I was weak and leave me. I would do a bunch of nice things for her, way over-considerate, like I was some sappy girl with tender little feelings, for fear that if I didn't, she might not think I didn't love her and leave me. When we fought, I would hold back and not explain my side of things, for fear that she might not like what I had to say and leave me. When she asked me what we should do, I held back and would say something like "whatever you want to do", for fear that she might not want to do things I liked to do and leave me. God I was such a pussy! I was way too "nice" and I was too afraid to show her the real me. It wasn't until after she dumped me that all that stuff I did became crystal clear... hell, I would have probably broken up with me! After that, I noticed that when I was with girls I wasn't head-over-heels in love with, I acted very differently. Not like an *******, but definitely much more self-interested, and less concerned (although not completely unconcerned) about what they wanted. The whole question turned around... it wasn't whether I wanted to keep them, it was a question of whether they wanted to be with me - the real me. It fixed all that stuff up above, and girls liked me that way, a lot. The only reason anybody ever broke up with me after that is because I didn't want more from the relationship. I was happier, they were happier. Everything was better. When I fell in love again, I held on to that very hard-learned lesson. It worked each time. It was more difficult when I cared a lot, but I remembered how it ended the first time and probably why. Whenever doubt would creep in, I would just assume my instinct was wrong, and I'd force myself to be myself. Sometimes, they did get angry at me. Funny how that was always forgiven, and somehow made them want me more over time. For me, I think it was all about letting these girls know who I really was. I didn't put on any fronts at all, and maybe that's rare and highly valued. Or maybe I'm just a ****ing great guy. Either way, that was the weakness I experienced, and that was how I fixed it.
Author drseuss Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Firstly, buying her flowers and stuff doesn't automatically make you a nice guy. You may think you are doing 'everything right' but if it's not right for her, then it's not right. If you sense she's not as into you as you are into her, let her find someone she'll be into, and give yourself the chance to find someone who thinks you're nothing short of perfect. And then buy her flowers and stuff, bc you know she'll appreciate them . I'm not asking about my rs specificly but you are right , there were more than just that that lead to out break up But I eant to know what people perceptions of people acting weak and turn offs ,or is it a case of what one person thinks in needy and desperate another thinks is loving and caring ?
dumbass2 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Weak is not having and expressing your own opinions. Two people don't agree on everything. You have to have your needs as well and those should be expressed to a woman. i hear a lot on here about a dumpee getting dumped out of the blue and saying that they never argued. That's not always a good thing. There should not be yelling and cussing and throwing things type arguments, but there should be disagreements and yes, arguments/discussions. Women like men with someone back bone. that aren't afraid to express themselves. They also want to feel secure and protected. Be secure with and confident in yourself and that goes a long way. Once you loose your confidence and feel that you have to be too tolerant, then the attraction will start to fade. You become a doormat in their eyes. You feel that you will do whatever because you don't want to lose them. It will have the opposite affect.
carhill Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I mean , why the hell would someone dump you if you were doing everything right regardless of if they are freshbout of a rs or have baggage , It wouldn't even cross their mind surly ? Because they felt like it. Because someone more attractive came along For no reason at all -------- IMO, let go of right and wrong and do what you do, authentically. It'll match up with some people and not with others, as their aura and actions will with you, or not. Relationships aren't a mathematical equation with a finite answer. When you gaze at the stars, sure you can ponder the physics of the universe, or you can simply enjoy its beauty, authentically. 1
Liono84 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I think of course everyone could've done things differently looking back. There were several things I could've been more clear on, stood my ground and taken charge of. However, I'm also of the same frame of mind that if she was "the one" for me all that wouldn't have mattered. Not one bit. If someone truly loves you, it really doesn't matter how you played your cards, because in the end, you are who you are. Let's hypothetically say I did played all my cards right, I think all that would've accomplished is just delaying the inevitable (Her breaking up), only at a later point of time. That would've just caused so much more pain in the end because I would have been more invested towards her as more time went by. I've been going about improving myself since the breakup focusing a lot more my career, going to the gym and taking new hobbies. I think I've learned a lot too, but I also know that I can self improve all I want, but in the end if the other person is not right for me, it still doesn't matter. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I'm not asking about my rs specificly but you are right , there were more than just that that lead to out break up But I eant to know what people perceptions of people acting weak and turn offs ,or is it a case of what one person thinks in needy and desperate another thinks is loving and caring ? Essentially, trying too hard will put anyone off when the interest isn't reciprocated. Why it isn't reciprocated can't always be explained, unfortunately.
Hipster_22 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 There's nothing weak about showing affection. But you have to know where to draw the line so you don't become too attached and therefore dependent on that person. She may just want a little space and there is nothing wrong that however if you keep pushing then they will eventually just leave you. I learned that the hard way (have a read at my story if you like. Although technically it wasn't a break up (it felt like one hence why I posted it here), it is similar to your situation).
Hipster_22 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Well, for me, the weakness was all about the fear of losing her. That resulted in a few things: Timid about sex - I didn't know how freaky she was in bed, so I held back and I didn't do things, and didn't discuss it, for fear that she might not like those things and leave me. Yes, I told her I loved her, but there were a lot of times that I would notice something that made me love her more, and I didn't say anything, for fear that she might think I was weak and leave me. I would do a bunch of nice things for her, way over-considerate, like I was some sappy girl with tender little feelings, for fear that if I didn't, she might not think I didn't love her and leave me. When we fought, I would hold back and not explain my side of things, for fear that she might not like what I had to say and leave me. When she asked me what we should do, I held back and would say something like "whatever you want to do", for fear that she might not want to do things I liked to do and leave me. God I was such a pussy! I was way too "nice" and I was too afraid to show her the real me. It wasn't until after she dumped me that all that stuff I did became crystal clear... hell, I would have probably broken up with me! After that, I noticed that when I was with girls I wasn't head-over-heels in love with, I acted very differently. Not like an *******, but definitely much more self-interested, and less concerned (although not completely unconcerned) about what they wanted. The whole question turned around... it wasn't whether I wanted to keep them, it was a question of whether they wanted to be with me - the real me. It fixed all that stuff up above, and girls liked me that way, a lot. The only reason anybody ever broke up with me after that is because I didn't want more from the relationship. I was happier, they were happier. Everything was better. When I fell in love again, I held on to that very hard-learned lesson. It worked each time. It was more difficult when I cared a lot, but I remembered how it ended the first time and probably why. Whenever doubt would creep in, I would just assume my instinct was wrong, and I'd force myself to be myself. Sometimes, they did get angry at me. Funny how that was always forgiven, and somehow made them want me more over time. For me, I think it was all about letting these girls know who I really was. I didn't put on any fronts at all, and maybe that's rare and highly valued. Or maybe I'm just a ****ing great guy. Either way, that was the weakness I experienced, and that was how I fixed it. This is so spot on I can't put it into words. Do not live in fear of losing them because it's more likely that you will lose them in the end. If they really want to be with you they will appreciate you for who YOU are. I will take these words and apply them on to later life once I have recovered. Thank you very much my friend, God bless.
Author drseuss Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 I think there are some great points here , I agree that you shouldnt even have to think about it , I had to hold back so much and I never felt that reciprocal love and I grew to crave it so much , we could regularly go 3 or 4 days without talking because she was terrible on her phone but I like to talk more than that , just short a simple interaction amd it ust to make me feel needy ..... I look back and realise I spent half my time wishing she would get hold of me bacuse I didn't like to double text her or keep on with her , it was like lots of mini waves of nc and it's not nice , I ust to be excited that she final text me and that's no way to carry on in a rs
thunder777 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 in my experience most girls eventually are not turned on by the loving very giving men they like a challenge, someone who is impressive and they cant get their claws into. it makes them want want want if youre overfeeding a girl it saturates her with a man who is available at any second and that becomes boring unchallenging maybe youre quite loving because you didnt get closeness to your mother as a child so your nature is needy at times when girls are in your life im like this in a way and hav to reserve myself when 'in love' to maintain being attractive when feeding a girl give her a little bit of a cookie at a time, wait for her to come back for more then give her a little bit more. dont give her the whole cookie at once, she'll be overfed and bored and youll exhaust your stock being a man for her is about being a leader, a server for when she is in need, unfortunately a man being in need its rare to find girls that care haha
ScienceGal Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 For me, I appreciate a man who is being himself. Of course, there is the initial "getting to know someone" where you don't reveal everything, but after that, I want to know how he feels, what he likes, and when he disagrees with me. It needs to be genuine also. Another poster was asking about flowers on a first date. Don't do that, you don't even know the woman! Affectionate acts should be reserved for someone you've come to care for. The key is not being afraid of communication. (I failed at this in my most recent relationship). Usually, it's the fear we will lose our partner. But, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know who you really are? And, do you want to be with someone who you don't really know? It's easy to hold on to the sugar-coated version of the relationship, but it's not real. And like all fantasies, it will end. In order to be yourself, you need to get a sense of yourself before you enter into a relationship. Do your best to identify likes/dislikes. Have things you like to do for yourself (e.g. a hobby or activity). Have friends. Make sure that if and when you meet someone, you're ready to be true to yourself. Hopefully, the woman you meet will be coming from the same place too.
hunk Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 For you next relationship to bring you happiness you need to understand that it will be temporary and eventually end. This is the number one thing I have learned in dating and possibly the most important reality i'll ever learn when it comes to women and relationships. The moment you treat a relationship as if it will never end is the moment it's done. You need to KNOW that it will end - be it in 2 months, 2 years, 10 years. It will end, you will not be with this person for the rest of your life. When you know this everything will work out. You treat the women in your life well while they are in your life but you 1. Never put your eggs in one basket (never invest yourself into another person, ever) 2. Dedicate 100% of your energy into improving yourself and your own life 3. Enjoy women and ALLOW THEM into your life knowing that they won't be in it forever, but while they are you have fun with them while never stopping the climb to your ultimate destination of being a self realized person (someone who is completely content with themselves with no dependence on a relationship or woman) If you can internalize this, as CPA said, the only time you'll ever be dumped is when you are not giving a woman what the believe they need from a relationship (financial support, dependence, monogamy, emotional security) But you can also guarantee they will be back in your life within months/years because you gave them what they actually wanted/really needed (a fun, happy, emotionally independent human who provided her with positive feelings but also kept distance, kept her guessing, and generally exuded confidence in himself and his own life) No one can argue this, if you try and doubt this you are deluded and sadly blinding yourself. I am not advocating treating a woman badly to keep her at all, i'm saying when you're in any sort of relationship with a woman YOU come first ALWAYS, no exception, and you must understand this woman is going to just be one page in your book
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