Ami1uwant Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 He may very well be a commitment-phobe. My brother is like that. Huge commitment phobe, treats his *girlfriends* badly (unreliable, blocks intimacy, etc.) However, he has a couple of female "friends* who he hangs with, and he treats them like gold. Always telling me ..."oh I could marry her" .... sometimes I think he even believes it too! Even though I know if SHE did, he'd be off and running! Huge commitment-phobe!!!! Commitment Phobes will also be unreliable to their friends if they were to their lovers. Remember there are other factors like with your brother snd what he has gone through 1. He may really like these female friends but can't find one like them personality wise to date them 2. He may have gotten tough luck dating controlling psychos..especially if the push marriage to early. 3. Maybe your brother isn't a commitment phobe as he has more space snANd trust issues where he can control what he shares with his friends
Gottabestrong Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Wow, this sounds eerily like a situation my friend was just in. Are you sure you are in Montreal? Okay, I hope this is not what is going to happen in your case, but I'll share my friend's story. She dated a guy about 5 years ago, but broke it off after a months because he was unreliable, didn't want to move forward, including meeting each other's friends, etc. Somehow he got back in touch with her after a few months and they became what she described as 'best friends' over the last few years. Spoke nearly daily, hung out a lot, talked about everything, traveled together, supported each other through loss of partners, parents, etc. One day she tells him she is getting ready for a date and he asks why she does that when she could have him? Continues to declare his love for her and saying he has been in love with her forever and all he wants is a chance to show her how great a boyfriend he could be. My friend is surprised and does not know how to react, but she decided to give this a chance and started 'dating' him. Well, one thing leads to another and after a few weeks they spend the night together. Next day he does not call or text, when she gets in touch with him he tells her that he is not looking for a relationship and they should just go back to being friends. She is devastated and feels like she lost her best friend. I can't help wondering if he was pretending to be her friend for all this time just to get in her pants. Again, I hope your situation is nothing like hers, but please be careful and guard your heart! 3
katiegrl Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Commitment Phobes will also be unreliable to their friends if they were to their lovers. Remember there are other factors like with your brother snd what he has gone through 1. He may really like these female friends but can't find one like them personality wise to date them 2. He may have gotten tough luck dating controlling psychos..especially if the push marriage to early. 3. Maybe your brother isn't a commitment phobe as he has more space snANd trust issues where he can control what he shares with his friends Thanks for your insight Ami1uwant.... But seriously my brother is a self-admitted commitment phobe, we are very close, and I have been witnessing him running away from literally every relationship he has ever had, as soon as it was headed toward *commitment.* Great girls, I knew them all and none of them pressured him for commitment.... It was the other way around. HE pushed for it, then ran away when it started heading in that direction. But yeah he definitely has space/trust issues for sure, as do I (or I used to but have worked them with therapy and help from a very understanding and patient bf). The space issues still exist with me though to a certain extent - getting better. Reveal -- we both (as did the rest of my brothers) witnessed my mom treating my dad like crap, and my dad cheating on her, eventually divorcing her and marrying someone else. We we all kids when this happened, so it left us with not the greatest impression of commitment/marriage. But this thread is not about me or my brother....so back to Gaeta's situation.....
katiegrl Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Wow, this sounds eerily like a situation my friend was just in. Are you sure you are in Montreal? Okay, I hope this is not what is going to happen in your case, but I'll share my friend's story. She dated a guy about 5 years ago, but broke it off after a months because he was unreliable, didn't want to move forward, including meeting each other's friends, etc. Somehow he got back in touch with her after a few months and they became what she described as 'best friends' over the last few years. Spoke nearly daily, hung out a lot, talked about everything, traveled together, supported each other through loss of partners, parents, etc. One day she tells him she is getting ready for a date and he asks why she does that when she could have him? Continues to declare his love for her and saying he has been in love with her forever and all he wants is a chance to show her how great a boyfriend he could be. My friend is surprised and does not know how to react, but she decided to give this a chance and started 'dating' him. Well, one thing leads to another and after a few weeks they spend the night together. Next day he does not call or text, when she gets in touch with him he tells her that he is not looking for a relationship and they should just go back to being friends. She is devastated and feels like she lost her best friend. I can't help wondering if he was pretending to be her friend for all this time just to get in her pants. Again, I hope your situation is nothing like hers, but please be careful and guard your heart! Yeah this is exactly what I was talking about in my first post. Some guys may think they want a relationship, but as soon as it appears that may happen, they revert back to wanting a friendship. They're just not good at relationships ....the pressure (to them), the responsibilities, etc....but they can still be great friends.. Just be careful here Gaeta....proceed with caution. 1
SoftViolin Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Him and I call good morning each day - 2-3 mins. He calls after his work to tell me about his day and I tell him about my day. Sometimes we speak a few minutes at night. I do the same with my female friends. So to me that seems like an emotional relationship already, even if it's not physical. You equate it to your female friendships, but from all you said in the thread so far, I would agree with others who have said so, it doesn't seem like he is or ever was. I don't see this necessarily as manipulative, he could just have been hanging on to his feelings for a long time. But there doesn't seem to be a way back from where you are to being friends. Either you give him a chance and if it's over, it's over, - or you rebuff him now and tell him what it seems like you feel (i.e. friendship) and you are still minus one friend. But then again, with friendships like that, that involve hidden feelings, they are never really what they seemed. Still makes for a very tough emotional situation. 2
GypsyGirl966 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Hit that, right now, immediately, 100% in..... If it fails, you know it is him and not you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! If he breaks your heart (and I'm 55 no / 45 yes), then, at least you know the opportunity was squandered because of him and not because of you. Get. On. With. It. Already. =) Good luck.
Author Gaeta Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Comparing your relationship with your ex to the one you have with you daughter is--as I'm sure you know--a false cognate. I don't see him as my ex. I see him as a close friend, and I talk to my other good friend on daily basis too. A man who is constantly checking in on his female friend, monitoring her dating life, and pulling out all the stops when she's about to go out with someone else? That's not "friends." And I'm not in your life, mind you (so my response is colored only by what you report here)... but it doesn't sound love either. He is not monitoring my dating life, he's been a big supporter. He never pulled a stop before this morning and I met 10s and 10s of men since him and I are friends. This overprotective-sounding flattery doesn't sound like romance to me. It sounds more like an attempt to create intimacy through codependent engulfment. Perhaps he doesn't mention this "til we die" stuff to you outright... and if that is your embellishment (and not his words) then I could be wrong. It doesn't sound romantic because it's not meant to be romantic. We are friends, it's his way of telling me how important I am to him. He's not a poet or a fancy talker, he uses the language he knows. So he waits until you're seeing a new guy that you are (theoretically) starting to like, and THEN he reaches out and tells you he "cannot watch you" do this anymore? What? Like what you're doing is wrong? You are inventing a lot of stuff here I have not said. No he doesn't wait till I start liking a guy. I had never met my morning date, I was far from liking him. Also like I said up there he never ever commented on me going on dates before, it was the first time this morning. What got him upset this morning is that I was driving 40km to go meet someone for a first coffee because the guy didn't know my area. My friend feels if these men were 'real men' and really interested in me they would drive to me for a first meeting. My friend is tired of watching me go out of my way to meet these '*&?&' who won't have any respect for me for doing it. No ma'am. He's concerned that you might find someone else who will make you happy, and doesn't want to share. If he was truly burning for you all this time, he could have made his move while you were truly single. Instead, he waited until you were happily getting involved with someone else, and now he wants to put a stop to it. Like I said, I am 100% single. I was going to meet someone for a 1st coffee. He seen me doing this 150 times already. He also saw me date guys longer. If the man was nice to me he was happy for me, if the man wasn't nice to me he was upset. Same way I am upset if my girl friend is not treated well by her boyfriend.
Author Gaeta Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Changing subjects a bit .....who is the guy you had a date with today? Someone new? Do you like *him*? Details please.....:bunny: It was meh... Over all nice man, looks nice. At 54 he's still clubbing and in middle of our conversation he asked me 'what a nice woman like you do when when she's alone at night and she has needs'. So no, I won't be seeing him again.
Author Gaeta Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Wow, this sounds eerily like a situation my friend was just in. Are you sure you are in Montreal? Okay, I hope this is not what is going to happen in your case, but I'll share my friend's story. She dated a guy about 5 years ago, but broke it off after a months because he was unreliable, didn't want to move forward, including meeting each other's friends, etc. Somehow he got back in touch with her after a few months and they became what she described as 'best friends' over the last few years. Spoke nearly daily, hung out a lot, talked about everything, traveled together, supported each other through loss of partners, parents, etc. One day she tells him she is getting ready for a date and he asks why she does that when she could have him? Continues to declare his love for her and saying he has been in love with her forever and all he wants is a chance to show her how great a boyfriend he could be. My friend is surprised and does not know how to react, but she decided to give this a chance and started 'dating' him. Well, one thing leads to another and after a few weeks they spend the night together. Next day he does not call or text, when she gets in touch with him he tells her that he is not looking for a relationship and they should just go back to being friends. She is devastated and feels like she lost her best friend. I can't help wondering if he was pretending to be her friend for all this time just to get in her pants. Again, I hope your situation is nothing like hers, but please be careful and guard your heart! HOLY Sh$T !! thank you for sharing that story with me. When I date someone and I grow to like him and suddenly he bails (kind of happens a lot with me) then of course I am disappointed. My friend always tells me - don't be sad you have your daughter and you have me you don't need anyone else.
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 IMO, there is only one way to find out....
Author Gaeta Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 So I could not speak more to him about it today as I was spending part of the day an evening with his female cousin. At some point she got a phone call from her boyfriend I think. The person asked what she was up to and she said she was hanging out with Gaeta, then added: You know W's friend, he talks about her all the time. I know I feel familiar and safe to him (and he feels the same to me) there is a lot of trust between us, no judgement at all, but that's because we're friends and friends have different expectations toward each other than BF-GF. In the past years I didn't care he spent his Saturday nights watching sports with his buddies or spent them playing billiard. As a girlfriend I will screw that up for him real bad cause I will want my BF with me on weekends night. Expectations will be different and I am afraid he won't be able to meet them.
GemmaUK Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I know I feel familiar and safe to him (and he feels the same to me) there is a lot of trust between us, no judgement at all, but that's because we're friends and friends have different expectations toward each other than BF-GF. In the past years I didn't care he spent his Saturday nights watching sports with his buddies or spent them playing billiard. As a girlfriend I will screw that up for him real bad cause I will want my BF with me on weekends night. Expectations will be different and I am afraid he won't be able to meet them. This simplifies everything. Whether you are attracted or not that is your answer right there. You don't even need to consider whether there is still any attraction. If his lifestyle still involves these things then that is a deal breaker for you.
Amelie1980 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 His intentions could well be honorable. The problem is you work well as friends because there is no expectation other than friends there. You are not be mad at him for doing his own thing at weekends any more than I would be mad at a friend or spending their time as they wish rather than seeing me. He likes you so much now maybe because it is free and easy and you dont have any expectations of him. A relationship brings with it expectations and the promise of spending real time together, putting the other first..... Is he going to want a relationship with the you he knows as a friend, pressure free and nice and easy. Will he like you as a gf when you again have expectations of him? Who knows. But do you want to lose him as a friend in finding out? 1
Author Gaeta Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 SO..... I was pretty busy over the weekend, him and I spoke but did not address the 'relationship' questions. I also had 2 first coffee-dates over the weekend which he knew about. So today when him and I spoke I offered he come by tonight and we can have a conversation about it. (it's also his b'day today and I got something for him). He replied: Gaeta: I opened up myself to you and what did you do? You went on dates with 2 different men instead of giving me time. Forget about it and I'll continue being your pet. ouch !!!...........
katiegrl Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 SO..... I was pretty busy over the weekend, him and I spoke but did not address the 'relationship' questions. I also had 2 first coffee-dates over the weekend which he knew about. So today when him and I spoke I offered he come by tonight and we can have a conversation about it. (it's also his b'day today and I got something for him). He replied: Gaeta: I opened up myself to you and what did you do? You went on dates with 2 different men instead of giving me time. Forget about it and I'll continue being your pet. ouch !!!........... Gaeta....when he said this to you -- >>My friend called me good morning as usual. When I told him I was heading out for a date he told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore...he wants more than friendship with me, he'll give me the relationship I've always wanted and he was unable to deliver 4 years ago. How did you respond? You never did say. Did you tell him you were surprised and would think about it? Tell him thanks and then proceed to tell him about the two coffee dates you had planned? Please do tell because right now I am inclined to think he is just another a-hole in your life that you don't need...
FakeBatman Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 In theory I think feelings can go from love to friendship back to love but with that I think if that does happen you have to be cautious that it could simply go back from love to friendship and so on. Are you prepared for that?
Author Gaeta Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Gaeta....when he said this to you -- >>My friend called me good morning as usual. When I told him I was heading out for a date he told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore...he wants more than friendship with me, he'll give me the relationship I've always wanted and he was unable to deliver 4 years ago. How did you respond? You never did say. Did you tell him you were surprised and would think about it? Tell him thanks and then proceed to tell him about the two coffee dates you had planned? Please do tell because right now I am inclined to think he is just another a-hole in your life that you don't need... I did not really acknowledge what he was saying and was dismissive I think. I said things like 'you can't give me the relationship I want' - 'it's not gonna last' - 'I don't really believe you are you lonely or something, is this about sex'. About the dates. During the weekend he'd call and ask what I was up to and I'd tell him 'on my way to a date'. He tried to call me last night I did not pick up and when he asked this morning I told him I was on another date.
Maggie4 Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Hmm.. virgo man. They're not known to be frivolous, and they tend to marry later in life. My advice is still the same: think about what you want. If you might want to marry him, you should have that talk now, about the future. Other than commitment, the only thing "love" might add to the friendship you already have together, is sex.
Amelie1980 Posted September 15, 2015 Posted September 15, 2015 I did not really acknowledge what he was saying and was dismissive I think. I said things like 'you can't give me the relationship I want' - 'it's not gonna last' - 'I don't really believe you are you lonely or something, is this about sex'. About the dates. During the weekend he'd call and ask what I was up to and I'd tell him 'on my way to a date'. He tried to call me last night I did not pick up and when he asked this morning I told him I was on another date. Well he messed you around quite badly as far as I can tell. What did he expect? You to swoon and jump into his arms? He was not a new guy, there was history there. Caution was appropriate.
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