Can feelings go from love to friendship back to love?

[Gaeta]

A few years ago him and I dated for about 1 year. He was an awful boyfriend, a commitment phobe at his best. I've never met his family and friends or him mine. After a year of pulling teeth to get something out of him I got out.

 

A few months later he got in touch with me for something I can't remember what and we slowly started becoming friends.

 

I have no idea how but over the past 3 years he became the best friend I've probably ever had. We speak several times a day, we know everything about each other, he supports me in my dating, I supported him in his. We visit on weekly basis. I now know his family, he knows my daughter, my daughter looooves him!! and we all get together and have a lot of fun. He's an integral part of my life.

 

He tells me all the time I'm his best friend and he'll do anything for me, the only thing that will keep him from having me in his life is if he dies. (I told him to stop saying that it makes me cry each time)

 

Everything I ever wanted from him while we were dating he gave to me in abundance in a friendship.

 

This morning I am getting ready for a date with a new man. My friend called me good morning as usual. When I told him I was heading out for a date he told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore...he wants more than friendship with me, he'll give me the relationship I've always wanted and he was unable to deliver 4 years ago.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my feelings can go back to being 'in love' with him. I love him, I absolutely do, he means the world to me, but I have stopped being in love with him a long time ago.

 

Can it be revived?

[MrBojangles]

IMO, no it can't be revived. He has become a much better friend than he was a lover to you.

 

In my personal experience, when people try and pull former love interests out of the friend zone, back into in relationships, it usually leads to the loss of both.

 

If you feel it's worth a try then go for it. But it sounds like your feelings have change towards this gentleman, and you risk losing the friendship should things not work out this time.

[Ami1uwant]

I believe it can be.

 

This is now about 5 yrs since you started dating? A lot could have changed with him. He could have grown up.

 

What was the issues when you were dating that you wanted from him?

 

In friendship did these is dues be resolved?

 

The ideal relationship is to have someone who you can be best friends with and have a sexual attraction to them.

 

It's also possible he liked you as a person but didn't feel that attraction or spark some think you need.

 

If I were in his shoes knowing how I am I would be really attracted to you right now but unsure how you felt and afraid to bring thus up with you because I wouldn't want yo sacrifice the friendship.

[fitnessfan365]

Sorry to be a downer and play devil's advocate. But it makes you wonder if he was ever truly your friend and this was some big con. Since you two dated for a year and he knew you were unhappy,what better way to get back into your life and wear you down than with friendship? Then after three years he finally admits that he wants more.

 

Now I know that you've become attached to the guy as your best friend and your daughter loves him. But he obviously wants more and probably always did. So can you really trust a guy like that? You may come to the harsh realization that you have to cut him out of your life.

Edited September 12, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[nescafe1982]

Never, ever, EVER get back into a relationship that was a bad as the one your described.

 

Never.

 

When I read about how intense this 'platonic' contact between you two has become, I don't see a budding romance. I see him trying to control you, wheedle you out of dating other men, and take you hostage emotionally.

 

Talking 'several times a day'? Really? That sounds like engulfment. A classic pattern for a controlling man.

 

He sounds manipulative. Forget friends. I don't know that this person should be in your life at all.

Edited September 12, 2015 by nescafe1982

[fitnessfan365]

He sounds manipulative. Forget friends. I don't know that this person should be in your life at all.

 

Exactly. Glad someone else besides me sees it this way.

[carhill]

This morning I am getting ready for a date with a new man. My friend called me good morning as usual. When I told him I was heading out for a date he told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore...he wants more than friendship with me, he'll give me the relationship I've always wanted and he was unable to deliver 4 years ago.

 

Pretty important revelation to occur over the phone between two people who are apparently very close friends and are in constant contact.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my feelings can go back to being 'in love' with him. I love him, I absolutely do, he means the world to me, but I have stopped being in love with him a long time ago.

 

IMO, your feelings should turn on your feelings, not his feelings. IOW, if the 'I want to have sex with him right now' spark isn't there for you, his revelation shouldn't energize it.

Can it be revived?

 

Unknown. Anything is possible. Tell him you'd like some time to reflect upon this revelation, alone. Set your timeline for whatever, a week, a month, etc. If he can respect your request, do that. Reflect on it. If he goes back to the 'I can't live without ya baby' stuff, concrete wall.

 

I tend to align with FF365 but I'm old and a bit cynical so take it FWIW.

[Ami1uwant]

Sorry to be a downer and play devil's advocate. But it makes you wonder if he was ever truly your friend and this was some big con. Since you two dated for a year and he knew you were unhappy,what better way to get back into your life and wear you down than with friendship? Then after three years he finally admits that he wants more.

 

Now I know that you've become attached to the guy as your best friend and your daughter loves him. But he obviously wants more and probably always did. So can you really trust a guy like that? You may come to the harsh realization that you have to cut him out of your life.

 

 

I guess count you under the collection that feel men and women can't be just friends...that any guy who is friends really just wants the chance yo get in his pants....

[GemmaUK]

I think it depends upon whether you have had any fleeting thoughts of actually 'wanting him' along the way since the friendship grew and whether that has been a continual low burn.

 

I also think that FF has a point here.

What your friend said was quite manipulative. 'I can't see you do this anymore'.

Tell him you'd like some time to reflect upon this revelation, alone. Set your timeline for whatever, a week, a month, etc. If he can respect your request, do that. Reflect on it.

I think If you do as Carhill suggests and your friend can keep his distance then this could negate any curiosity as to whether FF is right with his hunch.

Shame you cannot recall why he first got back in touch again as reading mails or texts back could be a good indication of what his agenda was.

I would also be looking at who initiates most often and also how many of his dating stories he has told you, In what detail. Was he always the good guy and were they all nutters.

 

His respect for you was clearly lacking when you first dated and has now grown, plus he knows he has the backing of your daughter. Why does she 'loooove' him? This could be a relationship he has manipulated too along the way.

 

Having said all that, most men tend to truly bond emotionally over a long period of time, longer than it seems to take for most women so he may have realised your value.

If that is the case though then he will have no issue in leaving you be to reflect on your own feelings. I would give it more like a month rather than just a week. Anyone can go on a diet for a week, a month is tougher.

 

From what he has said though this friendship will either be over or a relationship will be full on depending upon your decision. However, full on for him may not be as giving as the kind of relationship you want in which case you could end up disappointed all over again.

[JADIE]

Wow, such negativity in these responses...I guess I'm one of those "hope springs eternal" people, in spite of spending 15yrs of my adult life single and dating no one.

 

This guy spent 3 years manipulating his way into getting into her pants again? Give me a break...no guy waits & works it that long to get something he's already had...unless he's really investing in her emotionally. Not to say OP isn't just that great in bed, but....3 years?!

 

OP, you never know until you try. I think I'd entertain the idea of a shift in the relationship. I think there's probably little chance of the friendship surviving your friend's declaration at this point either way. Either you'll consider trying the romantic aspect back on for size and it blossoms again, or you'll try to maintain a friendship with him feeling awkward that he's admitted his feelings and you aren't reciprocating...which I would fear eventually ends the friendship...its just human nature.

 

Best of luck either way!

[fitnessfan365]

I guess count you under the collection that feel men and women can't be just friends...that any guy who is friends really just wants the chance yo get in his pants....

 

Funny, I don't remember saying anything like that all. We're talking about this particular case.

 

He specifically said "I can't watch you do this anymore" which means he's probably had feelings for awhile now. Maybe even the whole time he claimed to be fine w-friendship. So when a person uses friendship to manipulate and lies about how they really feel, that isn't someone you can trust IMO. I feel bad for Gaeta because I can tell she genuinely valued the friendship and thought he felt the same way. But now it may have been a ruse the whole time just to wear her down. That really sucks.

 

Give me a break...no guy waits & works it that long to get something he's already had...unless he's really investing in her emotionally. Not to say OP isn't just that great in bed, but....3 years

 

There are plenty of people who are still hung up on an ex after years of being away from them. Also, there are plenty of guys in the friendzone who suddenly reveal their feelings out of nowhere after being "friends" for years. I'd imagine that if you'd already been with someone and really missed them, it'd be even more believable in terms of someone trying to hang on.

Edited September 12, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gaeta]

Sorry to be a downer and play devil's advocate. But it makes you wonder if he was ever truly your friend and this was some big con. Since you two dated for a year and he knew you were unhappy,what better way to get back into your life and wear you down than with friendship? Then after three years he finally admits that he wants more.

 

Now I know that you've become attached to the guy as your best friend and your daughter loves him. But he obviously wants more and probably always did. So can you really trust a guy like that? You may come to the harsh realization that you have to cut him out of your life.

 

Yes but 3-4 years is a long time to play a game. He also dated someone quite seriously for a couple of years. When she broke up with him he was devastated. He was in love with her.

[carhill]

Have you met and interacted with his other female friends? Impressions?

[Gaeta]

Never, ever, EVER get back into a relationship that was a bad as the one your described.

 

Never.

 

When I read about how intense this 'platonic' contact between you two has become, I don't see a budding romance. I see him trying to control you, wheedle you out of dating other men, and take you hostage emotionally.

 

Talking 'several times a day'? Really? That sounds like engulfment. A classic pattern for a controlling man.

 

He sounds manipulative. Forget friends. I don't know that this person should be in your life at all.

 

It's nothing like that lol.

 

I talk to my daughter 10 times a day, is she trying to manipulate me too?

 

Him and I call good morning each day - 2-3 mins. He calls after his work to tell me about his day and I tell him about my day. Sometimes we speak a few minutes at night. I do the same with my female friends.

[Gaeta]

Have you met and interacted with his other female friends? Impressions?

 

I'm his only female friend. The other females in his life he's family related to and of course they adore him.

[newmoon]

i don't think you can. it's akin to a break-up, really. the feelings die away, people move on and change, and it's difficult to recapture the past, or feelings that once were. friendship makes you believe it's safe, but it's not, the same problems will arise. there are so many men in the world, no woman should ever need to go back to the same one twice. what does it say about someone if they can't move on from the past? it's not a good trait, imo

[Versacehottie]

Sounds very when Harry met Sally to me.

 

I wouldn't risk the friendship if you have no feelings for him, but imagine bc of how it ended, that there are still lingering feelings on your end as well.

 

Of what he did said the only part that I wasn't totally into, was him saying "I can't see you go through this anymore". Sounds a little bit like pity. I'd be cautious moving forward if you don't feel like he's truly in love with you.

 

On your end, Gaeta, I would just be very cautious that your strong desire to have a relationship doesn't affect your judgement. You should only want to "go there" with him if you can imagine this being the be all, end all.

 

I think it's positive overall. I just met someone who told me the story of how she and her husband got together. He was her very best friend from junior high on. She set him up with lots of her friends throughout college and just after. As friends, she took care of him when he was dealing with a serious injury and then one day she kissed him shortly after that, which he liked. However, they said they didn't want to mess up the friendship so decided to just be friends. It lasted all of a couple of days. They went to a concert as friends, came home and said "what are we doing?!" Why are we trying to stop ourselves? And were married 6 months later.

 

A lot of my favorite couples were friends first. Good luck with what you decide to do.

[Gaeta]

 

What was the issues when you were dating that you wanted from him?

 

In friendship did these is dues be resolved?

 

When we dated for a few months I wanted to meet his family and I wanted him to meet at least my daughter (adult). He never wanted. He kept saying I was in a rush, we had all our life to involve friends and family. After a year of this I broke up.

 

Since we're friends I met his family and he met my daughter and some of my friends. Tonight I'm going out with his female cousin and my daughter.

 

When we dated he was unreliable. He'd not show up when he was suppose to, he'd cancel last minute, he'd forget things he's suppose to do, etc. As a friend he's 100% reliable. Always keeps his word, is always there, never forgets something I ask or need.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah to me, I think this is friends transitioning to dating. Not really worried about previous relationship with each other history. Sounds like he was only half in. If he's been a reliable friend that's the evidence I would use to predict what it's going to be like as a bf. All relationships are a risk. This one more than others--due to potential loss of friendship not his previous behavior, IMO.

[katiegrl]

Yes but 3-4 years is a long time to play a game. He also dated someone quite seriously for a couple of years. When she broke up with him he was devastated. He was in love with her.

 

Gaeta, do you know whether or not he behaved the same with her as he did with you while you were in relationship with him?

 

Do you know why she ended it? Same reason you ended it?

 

He may very well be a commitment-phobe.

 

His heart is free to love you now precisely because he is not in a relationship with you.

 

No expectations, no responsibilities ...it's a friendship, so it's free and easy, no pressure.

 

If you do go back to having a *relationship* ....same things may happen as did before.

 

He may just be the type that does not do relationships well ....but is the most fabulous friend.

 

My brother is like that. Huge commitment phobe, treats his *girlfriends* badly (unreliable, blocks intimacy, etc.)

 

However, he has a couple of female "friends* who he hangs with, and he treats them like gold. Always telling me ..."oh I could marry her" .... sometimes I think he even believes it too! Even though I know if SHE did, he'd be off and running!

 

Huge commitment-phobe!!!!

[Versacehottie]

Gaeta, do you know whether or not he behaved the same with her as he did with you while you were in relationship with him?

 

Do you know why she ended it? Same reason you ended it?

 

He may very well be a commitment-phobe.

 

His heart is free to love you now precisely because he is not in a relationship with you.

 

No expectations, no responsibilities ...it's a friendship, so it's free and easy, no pressure.

 

If you do go back to having a *relationship* ....same things masy happen as did before.

 

He may just be the type that does not do relationships well ....but is the most fabulous friend.

 

My brother is like that. Huge commitment phobe, treats his *girlfriends* badly (unreliable, blocks intimacy, etc.)

 

However, he has a couple of female "friends* who he hangs with, and he treats them like gold. Always telling me ..."oh I could marry her" .... sometimes I think he even believes it too!

Even though I know if SHE did, he'd be off and running!

 

Huge commitment-phobe!!!!

 

100% right. Make sure you know the answers to these questions when making your decision.

[Maggie4]

If you have to ask, then probably no. Are you not feeling the spark? If not, why go along with his feelings? Follow your own feelings. Years ago he was the one who decided how things go, and now he's still the one driving. It's probably flattering to have him want you now, and I think it's ok to try this, but only if you really really want him. I don't think you do, or you would have brought it up with him sooner, and you wouldn't be asking here.

If you do decide to do it, my advice is to talk marriage and see what he says. You've done everything else, dated, been friends, met family, so why go back to dating? That's a downgrade. If he won't talk marriage, then I'd suspect he has FWB in mind.

[nescafe1982]

It's nothing like that lol.

 

I talk to my daughter 10 times a day, is she trying to manipulate me too?

 

Him and I call good morning each day - 2-3 mins. He calls after his work to tell me about his day and I tell him about my day. Sometimes we speak a few minutes at night. I do the same with my female friends.

 

Well, it's your life OP. I call them like I see them though.

 

Comparing your relationship with your ex to the one you have with you daughter is--as I'm sure you know--a false cognate. Of course you talk to your daughter many times a day. Of course. But this guy is your ex, not your child.

 

A man who is constantly checking in on his female friend, monitoring her dating life, and pulling out all the stops when she's about to go out with someone else? That's not "friends." And I'm not in your life, mind you (so my response is colored only by what you report here)... but it doesn't sound love either.

 

Let em elaborate on why I think this guy is bad news. It's not just the frequency of contact. There are other red flags here too.

 

He tells me all the time I'm his best friend and he'll do anything for me, the only thing that will keep him from having me in his life is if he dies. (I told him to stop saying that it makes me cry each time)

 

This overprotective-sounding flattery doesn't sound like romance to me. It sounds more like an attempt to create intimacy through codependent engulfment. Perhaps he doesn't mention this "til we die" stuff to you outright... and if that is your embellishment (and not his words) then I could be wrong.

 

If this kind of talk has happened on more than one occasion, and especially if is makes you cry, he's doing it to create a false sense of emotional intimacy. It's manipulative, and given the history you describe with this person, it leads me to think he hasn't changed as much as you think.

 

When I told him I was heading out for a date he told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore...he wants more than friendship with me, he'll give me the relationship I've always wanted and he was unable to deliver 4 years ago.

 

So he waits until you're seeing a new guy that you are (theoretically) starting to like, and THEN he reaches out and tells you he "cannot watch you" do this anymore? What? Like what you're doing is wrong? No ma'am. He's concerned that you might find someone else who will make you happy, and doesn't want to share. If he was truly burning for you all this time, he could have made his move while you were truly single. Instead, he waited until you were happily getting involved with someone else, and now he wants to put a stop to it. That doesn't scream love to me... it communicated possessiveness. Troubling for a guy who doesn't "have" you yet.

 

In light of these two facets from your first post, this...

 

I have no idea how but over the past 3 years he became the best friend I've probably ever had. We speak several times a day, we know everything about each other, he supports me in my dating, I supported him in his. We visit on weekly basis.

 

This doesn't read to me as healthy. It looks more like he's keeping tabs, at best... or trying to control you, at worst.

 

Also, he clearly does not "support your dating," if when you're seeing a new guy he then responds by inserting himself and trying to put a stop to it.

 

That's why your post set off so many red flags with me, OP. No, this guy is not like your daughter. He doesn't sound like a good person to get involved with, given the limited context of your post.

 

But you know what they say, "A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still." So good luck with whatever you decide.

Edited September 12, 2015 by nescafe1982

[Versacehottie]

If you have to ask, then probably no. Are you not feeling the spark? If not, why go along with his feelings? Follow your own feelings. Years ago he was the one who decided how things go, and now he's still the one driving. It's probably flattering to have him want you now, and I think it's ok to try this, but only if you really really want him. I don't think you do, or you would have brought it up with him sooner, and you wouldn't be asking here.

If you do decide to do it, my advice is to talk marriage and see what he says. You've done everything else, dated, been friends, met family, so why go back to dating? That's a downgrade. If he won't talk marriage, then I'd suspect he has FWB in mind.

 

I agree with a lot of this. Only if you really want him! I am worried that you want a relationship more than this guy. It has to be about the person not a life goal.

 

Good idea with talking marriage and seeing if he flips and really it's only acceptable progression from two people who are so close when you want marriage. I don't know if he's FWB minded. I just think it's important that BOTH of you are thinking clearly.

[katiegrl]

Changing subjects a bit .....who is the guy you had a date with today?

 

Someone new? Do you like *him*?

 

Details please.....:bunny: