Feeling of being desired...

[QueenDeath]

I would like to start off that I'm 20yrs old and female. This is going to be long I think, so please, forgive me.

 

It's been some good weeks since my ex dumped me. I've moved on and accepted the fact that it is over and he wants nothing to do with me, and that doesn't mean that I don't think about him because I do, from time to time, I do wonder how he's doing and how he is feeling about the breakup. Ive kept NC and I would like to keep it that way so I have no intentions of messaging him.

 

Just that, I realized something the other day. When I'm single, no one hits on me, but when I'm in a relationship, people hit on me. So I found that as strange and posted a question on here and got answers that made complete sense.

 

Since the breakup, I've been feeling happy because I truthfully wasn't that happy in the relationship with him like I thought I was when I started to analyze things from both sides of things, that me being the dumpee and him the dumper, I analyze.

 

I started using OkCupid a week after the breakup or whenever just to do casual dating and casual sex. I don't want a serious relationship...mainly because just out of my own experience, after the honeymoon phase, they want nothing to do with me. They question if they love me or not, they question if I'm worth it or not, they question if they wanna be with me or not by going on a break and it goes on...it's like after that phase is gone...they jump ship when things get rocky. So that's one reason...another reason is that...I have trust issues and insecurities, I'm not really secure with myself as a person. I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Some days I love myself other days I hate myself.

 

Now, not that I want a romantic relationship..... But...I miss that feeling of being desired. Yes, I get desired sexually by people but then there's also that being desired in a romantic sense...I miss that attention. I miss someone wanting to get to know me more than on a friendship scale, I miss someone wanting to like...spend the rest of their lives with me. I miss have someone saying they can see me in their future. I miss that. I miss the texting back and forth and good morning text.

 

Just for once...I would like *not now* but...just once I would love to love someone and be loved back in that romantic sense.

 

I think since I've been dating seriously since high school 2010 up till now that I need to be single for awhile. I'm always relying on someone else, like I told my counselor at school, whenever something good happens... I told my boyfriend. After my mom, he was the first person to know whenever something good happens. He was also the first to know whenever something bad happens.

 

Like...I don't know. I would just like and appreciate some perspective on this, and some thoughts, and even if any of you guys on here went through something like this. Like I said. I don't want a romantic relationship... I just miss feeling desired and it makes me feel a sad a little.

Edited September 12, 2015 by QueenDeath

[StalwartMind]

I guess you aren't making things easier for yourself when what you desire, is what people usually connect with that of a romantic relationship. When you casually date and have sex, none of that is going to fulfill anything but a temporary need.

 

I almost feel what you want is somewhat impossible, without having the other part end up getting hurt. You don't want a serious relationship or a romantic one, yet you want someone to desire you in romantic ways. There are just a lot of contradictions to how most people like and do things, and I can't say I've come across an individual who would fulfill such a potentially one sided relationship, as it's basically about fulfilling your needs. What are you going to give this person in return, if the answer is nothing, then you'd need to look for someone who is okay with such.

 

When it comes to actually meeting someone who will want to get to know you on more than just a friendship level, that can be interpreted in many ways. There are plenty of people who care deeply about others, and more often than not can great friendships turn into something more too. This may not be the route of preference for all people, but it can work greatly in favor of finding someone who does want to spend their life with you.

 

Many relationships, even great relationships lose their fire after the honeymoon phase, but again this is not how every relationship is. There are those people who are capable of loving each other more with every passing day and year, this is the kind of connection that is unique, but such is possible for us all to experience if we do desire it. It will take effort, honesty, trust, kindness, forgiveness and much more to achieve it, but again it's something everyone can do if they actually want to. Sadly too many people these days get distracted by other things, new things, different experiences, instead of even wanting to do such with their partner. There's nothing wrong with desiring something new and fresh, but there should always be some kind of balance to maintain, especially with how you go about experiencing it. As such we are all very different, but there is nothing more beautiful to me, than two people, be they partner or friends who can talk about anything and stick together, because they know what they have is incredibly rare.

 

Even if you feel a certain way right now, and aren't looking for something specific, you are young and you can end up meeting someone who will change or refine your perspective of things. I like to believe that most humans past a certain age have met at least one individual who left a resounding impression on them. I'm positive there are many people I've yet to meet who will change or reshape how I think about particular things. None of us know the future, don't be discouraged by not having everything in your life yet. There are a lot of really great individuals out there and as simple as it sounds, we just need to meet them, but of course that is the random and quite challenging part. I guess in that sense, it's not a bad idea to keep a positive attitude, even if you presently aren't feeling you are at your very best.

 

Most people have different insecurities, trust or other type of issues, there are many ways to combat all these things, do know that none of what you struggle with make you a worse person than the rest of us. There is a good reason to surround yourself with supportive and understanding people, as it can greatly increase your comfort level. Not only that, if you do meet the right people, they will also know when to give you a little nudge to help you in the right direction. There's just really a lot of things to tell other people, a lot of what we deal with is a matter of perspective. Some are very set in stone with their beliefs and expectations, others are more free. Typically those who are open and receptive reap the most benefits, as they also have more opportunities when it comes to anything. How you choose to approach your situation is your call, I just hope you actually attempt to take risks at times as well as find the courage to slowly open up and begin to trust in others. There is no rush, take your time, you are young, enjoy being single, with time you will often find more clarity about whatever obstacles you feel are in your way.

[Ami1uwant]

Things that jump out yo me....

 

Stop thinking the love is over if the lust/butterflies thing end.

 

The other big issue is needing to trust people and not be jealous.

[bluefeather]

I think that the want to desire and feel desired is totally normal, but I think you are going about it the wrong way when you are looking for casual hookups. That is just going to make the need bigger because, casual sex will not satisfy it.

 

Also, if you look for a real relationship for the main reason of filling this void, it will go wrong.

 

It has to start with yourself. Be ok with being alone. Once you finally reach that point, (it doesn't sound like you're there yet - it's ok, I'm probably not fully there either, and I don't think many are. it takes a work), then you will be good enough for an other person.

 

That is my opinion, anyway. And I am a male.

[JewelD]

Everybody wants to feel desired, but just because you don't have someone in your face telling you they want to be with you doesn't mean you're not desirable.

 

I had a similar issue when I was younger (and still a bit now). I didn't feel good unless other people felt good about me. You're relying on other people for your happiness and you will never find true happiness and love that way. You're essentially giving other people control over your life, which is never a good idea.

 

I would hold off on dating, even casually, as it will make you feel worse. You should use this time being single to work on yourself. You have to learn to love yourself unconditionally. Be gentle with yourself.

 

I recently got out of a 3yr relationship. I spent some time talking to ppl on dating websites, but when it didn't work out, I found myself stressing out, falling apart, blaming myself. Sometimes being single is exactly what you need.

 

Now I put all of that effort into myself. I haven't been on any dates, but I hang out with friends, I try new makeup, new hairstyles, new diet, exercise. Things that make me feel good. You should love you more than anybody else. and once you do, you really won't care about whether or not somebody desires you or not. You're really young, trust me, it will happen in time.

[smackie9]

You don't need a man for that, you just need to surround yourself with a few good girlie friends that appreciate you and make your life fulfilling. They are the ones you can sit around with a glass of wine at the end of the day and share your great news with, or talk about your day, etc. *You are just looking in the wrong direction.

[menyou]

You are so young. I know it's completely cliche to say that you have your whole life ahead of you, but that's what I'm going to say. You need to surround yourself with people that just make you happy. Don't force it. I got married very young had a few children got divorced and I am back at square one. No need to rush the rest of your life. Be present everyday and make sure you are positive. Feeling negative is your brain telling you to make a change. Put yourself first. This really is difficult but if you keep yourself mindful you will get where you want to be. You can easily feel desired but you have to understand that you cannot control things you have no control of. Be who you want to be. Feel how you want to feel. Learn from your mistakes and keep pushing forward. I am completely onboard with the being ok with being alone thing. If you can't do that you aren't ready for anyone to be in your life.

[BlueBlood]

Start a love affair with your own cool self. Focus on you. Examine your dreams, the ones that depend on no one but you, like get a graduate degree, or go for a big promotion. Pour yourself into a goal like that, one that is just dependent on you. Accomplish things. Pick up a hobby. Run a marathon. Get a black belt. Embrace your potential not as a lover or girlfriend but as a fully complete human being. Travel. Cook. Learn a language. Fail at something. Try again.

 

Learn your strength. Love your strength. Promise yourself to treat yourself as sacred and beautiful. Always.

 

Then you'll be able to approach a relationship from a place of wanting someone, not needing someone, to share life with.