cell2k15 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Need some advice here guys... I recently ended my long distance relationship with a girl in the US (I'm in the UK). I flew out to see her for almost 10 days in July, but she concluded she couldn't deal with the distance at her stage in life shortly after, and wanted a more affectionate relationship for right now - which I can understand. We had an absolutely amazing time together, and we've always said should the timing be right, we might be able to reconcile things in the future. During our long distance relationship, we called/FaceTime'd for around 2-3 hours per day, and had a "system" whereby we always had time to call at certain parts of the day. The thing is... the communication hasn't reduced since we broke up, and we're still talking just as much. This isn't necessarily a problem since I really enjoy talking to her, and as does she, but I'm finding it difficult to suppress the fact I still have feelings for her. We also had a discussion about where we're at emotionally, and she's stated how she no longer has feelings for me, or at least has 'cut off any feelings' so she can move on but continue talking to me without finding it difficult anymore. I had planned to fly out and see her again in November, and actually booked the flights for it some time ago, before we broke up. I'm still looking to fly out and see her in November either way, even as friends as we're still very close and enjoy each others company. Plus, since we haven't seen each other face to face since we broke up, it might be a chance for us to discuss the situation and our feelings instead of over the phone. We've spoken about what the future might hold for both of us, but she's not currently interested in re-entering a relationship with anyone for now - I think she just wants some freedom to do what she wants. Am I crazy for flying out to see her? What's the best way to deal with the situation / do you think there's any hope left?
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 If you can get your money back on the tickets do that. Seeing her will just make you miss what you can't have more. Unless you can overcome the distance, you have to realize that the romance part of your relationship is the fantasy in your heads. Until you reduce this "friendship" to free up more time to date conventionally you will be stuck in a endless loop of disappointment. 1
Thegreatfrazzle Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Mine told me she didn't want a relationship with anyone either, but then guess what, 2.5 months later I hear that she is seeing someone. It fu<king killed. That is what I am afraid will happen to you should you remain friends with her, for the time being anyway. What she actually means is she doesn't want a relationship with you, so don't fall for her lies. Her living in the US, you won't hear anything about her unless you remain in contact. I have the unfortunate situation of living in a small town and gossip travels fast, hence I hear about my ex. We ended things horrifically, and whilst I never want to see her again, getting over her has proven difficult. My advice would be to simply explain that you still care about her, and remaining friends would be too difficult for you, and the only option you have is to take some time away from her, and soon you will realize that not only was she not as great as you thought, but also that you don't want someone in your life who has rejected you. You are awesome and deserve to be with someone who realizes that. From what I can tell, you both ended things fairly mutually and on good terms. However the fact that you have feelings and she doesn't says a whole lot about her as a person. let her go, she isn't worth it. So NO, do not fly out to see her. Not only will you just get your heart trampled on again, you'll have to pay hundreds of quid for a plane ticket to do so. Dude, she probably is nice in person, she is probably a sweet girl, so was mine, or so I thought at least, but people who do this are not worth our time or heartache. Don't even think about one day you may get back together, it will not be the same. People who do this once are bound to do it again, just be thankful she showed you how little you mean to her now rather than 6 years time. And don't worry, as soon as you meet someone else this girl will be long gone in your mind. There was nothing special about her, in time you will see that. Best of luck, ill be here if you need any more advice
Survivor12 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) Are you prepared to spend at least part of your visit hanging out with her and some guy that she has begun dating? It is possible. Some of what you have said she has told you is contradictory & questionable. She broke up with you because she wants a "more affectionate relationship right now" yet she's not "interested in re-entering a relationship with anyone right now"? Think about it. Also, she has told you that she has no feelings for you anymore, yet she continues to talk to you frequently--without finding it difficult "anymore". Ask yourself this--why would it have been difficult before? Likely because she already WAS doing "what she wanted" while still enjoying attention from you. Now, she can continue doing what she was already doing and still enjoy having your attention. What's different? She doesn't have to hide the fact that she is seeing others. Nothing else has changed for her. Look, she likes having someone who obviously cares for her while she's out playing the field. She doesn't have to feel lonely or rejected because she'so got you to assure her just how desireable she is. And how envious her friends must be that she has a guy so crazy about her that he'll travel from across the pond just to see her (American girls have a weakness for English accents)! The fact is that as much as she may like having you in her life right now, she has no real loyalty toward you. As soon as the right guy comes along, those long talks will end or become much less frequent. To answer your question, I believe that it is a mistake to make the trip in November. Not only are you setting yourself up for disappointment, it is very likely that by then she may even change her mind about spending time with you or greet you at arm's length. The bottom line is that you want to be more than friends & she doesn't. How is going to visit her going to change that? You went in July & what good did that do? For your own good, don't make the trip. In fact, it would be best to cut off all contact with her at least until you have moved on from the relationship & started living your life without being focused on her. Life is short. Don't waste time hanging on to someone who isn't interested in you. You could very well miss out on finding someone who is. Edited September 12, 2015 by Survivor12
Simon Phoenix Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Get a refund ASAP. Traveling to see this girl will be a disaster.
warshaw Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 From what I can tell, you both ended things fairly mutually I didn't get that at all. I get that she broke it off with him, he wants back in but she doesn't.
Author cell2k15 Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Wow, thank you all so much for your responses - they're definitely very helpful. To give you all some background on the "break up", it was somewhat of a mutual decision on the basis she couldn't deal with the distance aspect of the relationship right now at her stage in life. Personally I was always willing to see it through, and I even stated that I could close the distance within 12 months from now, or at least make my visits months in length instead of days. I guess you could say it was 90% her decision, and 10% mine. My input was merely - we can make it work, but I'm not going to sit here and contribute to your upset if you're really finding the distance to be overwhelming, and we agreed we'd give the relationship aspect a rest for now. Funnily enough, within a week she was making out with some other guy, but that's a whole different story. In her eyes, the relationship aspect is over and done with. She says she still has partial feelings for me, but she's choosing not to think or act on them anymore to retain a friendship with me, and not make things 'difficult'. It was just the other night she actually cried about the whole situation on the phone, and she wishes things could be different. Essentially unless I can be close by to her, or until I can be close by to her, she wants to retain a friendship so she can mess about with other guys in the meantime and not feel guilty about it - even then, I question whether she would pick things up where they left off even if I lived next door. It's a tough situation because even as a friend, I very much enjoy talking to her and don't necessarily want that to stop, and I'd still even go ahead with the November trip, but it's a struggle overall to say the least. I'll have to give the November trip some real thought...
erklat Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 We've spoken about what the future might hold for both of us, but she's not currently interested in re-entering a relationship with anyone for now - I think she just wants some freedom to do what she wants. Am I crazy for flying out to see her? What's the best way to deal with the situation / do you think there's any hope left? You're right here. She wants some freedom to sloot around before committing to someone new. Best course of action - refund tickets, block her everywhere and continue with your life. Worst - remain on her back burner as that guy that couldn't move on so settled for fake friendship. 1
dumbass2 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 You don't go on the trip if you still have romantic feelings for her because she does not have the same for you. You will try to put up a front and act cool about it and hope the whole time that she will want to show that she has the same type of feelings for you again. You want that romantic part of the relationship as well. You can't "just" be friends right now. i would also cut out the amount of communication with her because it will keep you from moving on and finding someone else which is what you are going to have to do here at some point.
mightycpa Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I think if you keep this up, you can look forward to being invited to her wedding one day. 1
Author cell2k15 Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 I actually decided to bring the situation up again to her regarding November. Her response was that she has no idea what will happen, but for now she merely sees me as a friend, and doesn't want to think about the what if's of the whole situation. Realistically we won't be restarting our relationship out of it, so it's merely a case of whether I now want to invest in essentially having a holiday with a friend. Realistically it will be the last time I ever fly out and see her since this flight was booked prior to our breakup. I'm thinking to get whatever I can out of it, and then close the door. I'll keep you all posted either way - it's 2 months away.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I actually decided to bring the situation up again to her regarding November. Her response was that she has no idea what will happen, but for now she merely sees me as a friend, and doesn't want to think about the what if's of the whole situation. Realistically we won't be restarting our relationship out of it, so it's merely a case of whether I now want to invest in essentially having a holiday with a friend. Realistically it will be the last time I ever fly out and see her since this flight was booked prior to our breakup. I'm thinking to get whatever I can out of it, and then close the door. I'll keep you all posted either way - it's 2 months away. Get a refund dude. She's not interested and you are. It's not going to go well. 2
warshaw Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Realistically it will be the last time I ever fly out and see her since this flight was booked prior to our breakup. I'm thinking to get whatever I can out of it, and then close the door Either get a refund, get a credit towards a flight somewhere else, or plan other activities for when you get out there, but do not plan on spending time with her. It's pointless and if anything it will cause you emotional pain and damage because it's clear that you want much more than she does.
BlueBlood Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I wouldn't fly over the pond to see her. It'd be hard and might put you into a depression over how it went, that or leave you feeling hollow or just plain sad. I'd use the money or ticket credit to go do something fun with your best local mates, or use it to buy something really nice for yourself. New watch? New couch? Weekend somewhere sunny and warm? Something fun as opposed to going to view the remains of what could have been, ya know?
LoveIsMyReligion Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I did this. An ex and I saw each other multiple times (she flew to me I flew to her). She was in Europe I was in the US. We had a 3 month period where we didn't see each other and the long distance was taking its toll on us. She began to lose interest and of course that made me want her even more.. I flew to her because I already purchased the tickets hoping it would fix things. It did not. By flying to her knowing her loss of interest only made me look more needy which pushed her farther away. By trying to force yourself into her life you're going to drive her even farther away. You're okay with friendship? I call bull****. You want to get laid and try to salvage the relationship. I can tell you this with confidence. You won't salvage the relationship, but you might get laid. Just keep in mind some other guy(s) have already been ****ing your girl by the time you get there. I don't mean to sound harsh or vindictive but it's the way things are. After a couple of weeks I finally saw the light and realized that I could never imagine a future, let alone have kids someday, with someone who is only interested in having a good time and isn't willing to make a small sacrifice for the a better future.
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