I can't go on like this

[tuxedo cat]

I broke up with my ex almost three years ago. I had to because he was such a bad boyfriend; yet I'm still consumed by thoughts of him, and the more time that passes the less hope I see for ever getting over him.

 

I made the mistake of staying in touch after we broke up. Because he treated me really badly when we were together, the worst part has been hearing about him dating other women and being kind to them (or so he says). It's true that he hasn't had an official relationship since ours ended but he's had several short flings and has apparently treated those women well. I keep prying for information because of morbid curiosity and he told me that the most recent girl he dated he would have been serious about had he not been moving to the opposite coast a few weeks after he met her. Now he's gone, on the other side of the country for good, yet the thought of him still kills me.

 

I had a three hour online conversation with him tonight. He has no idea I still have feelings for him so I pretend sometimes to be neutrally interested in his romantic exploits in order to keep tabs on his life. All I can think about is this most recent girl he was seeing (he ended things right before he moved) and how she got to have the person I always wanted to be with.

 

I'm 32 years old and I've lost almost five years of my life to him. At this point, I have no idea how to move on. I cannot see past him. If I could have a lobotomy performed to remove the neurons in my brain containing his memory I would without hesitation. Instead I keep returning to him and talking to him because it's like dealing with something that is torturing me, just facing it rather than hiding from it, gives me a fleeting sense of control.

 

It's gotten so bad. My apartment building has an open roof and I considered going up there after our conversation tonight. Since we broke up it feels as if my days are numbered, like there is this horrible realization I can't escape lapping at the edge of every momentary distraction or hope.

 

The strange thing is when we were together, at least initially, he was the obsessed and dramatic one. He was the one declaring ridiculous nonsense like he would never love anyone else as long as he lived and kill himself if he ever lost me. And now here I am, having lost him, experiencing those exact same thoughts, as if I caught all of his crazy.

 

What can I do? I went no contact for six months once and it didn't help.

[Reels]

Here is what you have to do now.

 

# Be critical to him.

# Learn to live without him.

# Discover the things that you enjoyed before him.

 

Indeed, it is very hard but you will have to try. I tried and it works.

[dyna85]

What you can do is go permanent no contact. You must stop communicating with him forever, if you wish to truly heal. You are right that this continued communication with him is giving you a fleeting sense of control. It's like a compulsion and/or feeding an addiction, and it's definitely a bad habit you need to break if you wish to see the sun some day.

 

You know this, but it's hard to do. However, sometimes the hardest things in life are the best things for us, and we can and will discover this if we let time do its work, but staying in contact is just continually stabbing that already blistering wound. Don't do it. You need to find the strength to stop what you're doing. You are torturing yourself with your current ways. Think of yourself as the alcoholic and he's the drink. You can't have just a little sip and hope to be okay. You need to avoid it altogether and get sober. And there are plenty of people who have been alcoholics for 3 yrs and have gotten sober. Even if it feels impossible since you've been stuck in the same rut for what may feel like ages, you can get out of this rut, but you need to be willing to contend with the agony you'll face in finally confronting your emotions without the false temporarily band aid effect of your continued contact with him. You must contend with the pain on your own to move thru it.

 

Six months of nc is not enough time so it's not that it didn't work, but you didn't give it time to play out to see where life would take you. Healing can take a long time. There is no set time frame for when you will feel recovered, but you will only get there if you stop doing what your doing. You need to let the tape play out and stop trying to control the situation and your emotions by keeping in contact with him. It's hurting you severely.

 

The good news is you CAN get thru this and you do not need to take your life. If you stop all communication with him now, I guarantee you in 10 yrs from now you'll be in a better place and he will be a mere blip on the radar. GUARANTEE. However, you must take the first step and go full no contact. At the same time, you must recognize that this is the only way. Like an addict finally admitting he/she needs rehab. Your rehab is no contact.

 

And that doesn't mean that no contact is going to make you feel better all of a sudden. It's still going to hurt, and that hurt may linger for a long time. You need to accept it and allow it, and you will get through it.

 

Your heart is not this faulty mechanism. It is strong, but you have to trust in the process and not try to rush it and/or superficially band aid your wounds.

 

Suicide is another band aid approach. You must face your emotions. I struggle with this too, but it is the bottom line truth.

[clam]

Exactly how did he treat you badly when you were together?

 

And how are you certain he hasn't treated these other women badly? Abusive leopards don't usually change their spots.

[xxoo]

You're seeking the validation of someone who treated you poorly. What would it mean to you to win his approval? His loyalty? His love?

 

That's what you're chasing, but you'll never get it from him. You can give it to yourself. And when you give it to yourself, you'll be disgusted by him.

[warshaw]

3 years post breakup and you're still obsessing over him to the point that it has profoundly affected your life.

 

Ask yourself if you'd still feel this way if you completely cut contact with him at the time of the breakup.

 

You continue to reopen the wounds with every contact.

 

The ONLY way to fix this is to cut him off, completely.

[jen1447]

I agree in this instance - immediate and complete end to all communication and no checking up on him.

 

I'd also echo what clam said above - the moment I read that he'd treated his short flings well I thought "yeah right." There's a reason he hasn't had anything since, and it's not that he doesn't want to, and getting nowhere doesn't come from treating ppl well. His short flings were probably all women who ran the other direction.

 

There's an element of hero worship still going on with this guy that you'll have to get over sooner or later. I know the fact that it's irrational doesn't make it any easier to overcome, but stopping contact will help.

[writergal]

Tuxedo Cat my friend, you are caught in a trap with your ex - a psychological trap that has immobilized you emotionally and rationally and maybe even physically (stress can shut down the body's immune system and other functions to the point where stress makes people really sick - insomnia, no appetite, constant anxiety, acid reflux, constant state of being in hyper vigilance).

 

Have you ever seen a therapist about your ex-bf and the hold he has over you psychologically? If you already tried 6 months of no contact and that didn't severe you from him, then I think you need a trained counselor to help you release yourself from the trap you find yourself immobilized by.

 

 

 

 

Toxic exes are like fox hunters in that they sometimes will chase their prey (you their ex) into a corner to trap you into staying in contact with them, so that you will pay attention to them and feed their ego when their ego juices run low. You are there to refill his ego tank with the attention you give him.

 

The only way you can stop doing that is to learn how to stop doing that. And if you tried on your own and failed, then you need to go see someone who can teach you how to severe ties with your ex psychologically so that you are not trapped and immobilized in a corner anymore, like a frightened fox.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

You need to stop with the self pity, that's number one.

 

Number two, you have to realize that you are doing all of this to yourself.

You decided to break up with him.

You decided to get back in touch with him.

 

Happiness comes from within. You can be happy with him & you can be happy without him. However, staying in this grey area will do you no good.

 

Either give it another shot or rip the band aid off and remove him completely.

[writergal]

You need to stop with the self pity, that's number one.

 

Number two, you have to realize that you are doing all of this to yourself.

You decided to break up with him.

You decided to get back in touch with him.

 

Happiness comes from within. You can be happy with him & you can be happy without him. However, staying in this grey area will do you no good.

 

Either give it another shot or rip the band aid off and remove him completely.

 

I agree with this ^. That's why I don't keep in contact with any exes except for one. But it has been 15 years since that ex and I dated and I have zero feelings left for him. And we rarely interact on social media. My other exes will never hear from me. I don't need any of them in my life, nor do I want them in my life. I don't understand why people need to keep their exes in their lives.

 

 

Time to move on Tuxedo Cat. Your happiness depends on it.

[tuxedo cat]

Exactly how did he treat you badly when you were together?

 

And how are you certain he hasn't treated these other women badly? Abusive leopards don't usually change their spots.

 

He was emotionally abusive. He would alternate between propping me up -- telling me how special I was, how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend his life with me - and cutting me down - treating me like a stranger, criticizing me for things beyond my control (like the fact that I'm shy), brutally rejecting my attempts at affection, telling me he didn't want to be with me or sometimes even talk to me anymore. His mood swings were mostly based on his personal fortunes but not in the way you'd suspect. If things were going well for him he would put me down, and if things were going badly he would glob on to me. Nothing I did had any impact on how he treated me; it was maddening.

[tuxedo cat]

Here is what you have to do now.

 

# Be critical to him.

# Learn to live without him.

# Discover the things that you enjoyed before him.

 

Indeed, it is very hard but you will have to try. I tried and it works.

 

Thanks. Can you explain the first rule?

[LadyM]

It's time for your survival instinct to kick in and that means removing him from your life fully and completely. Believe it or not, six months of NC is sometimes not enough time to begin to feel better. I know because it took me much longer than that to even begin to feel better.

 

My boyfriend also treated me poorly and I think that those relationships have a longer recovery. And that is okay because when you finally commit to stopping all contact with him, the mind automatically begins the healing process. Right now, it feels like you have a disease that will never leave you, but I promise, you will surprise yourself and one day not think of him as often or with much depth of feeling. I never thought this would happen for me, but it finally did.

 

Even if my recovery isn't perfect, I'm still a whole lot better than I used to be. I still get thrown off course when I hear about him or when he contacts me, but I eventually get back on track and thoughts of him no longer consume my life.

 

You should consider giving yourself the GIFT of no more contact. Of any kind. I had also resisted NC for a long time and I see that now as a big mistake. These men are like an addiction.

 

You have so much to live for. Don't give up your life for an unworthy man. I can assure you he won't be treating other women better than he treated you. He may have treated his flings better, but that's because it's easy to be nice for a short time.

 

Be good to yourself now. Be patient. Consider the possibility of a good therapist to speed up the recovery process. There's also a lot of good reading online, you tube and in books about relationship recovery.

 

Please, take back your life -- go NC. I've been where you are, so trust me, it will ultimately save you and you will heal.

[tuxedo cat]

What you can do is go permanent no contact. You must stop communicating with him forever, if you wish to truly heal. You are right that this continued communication with him is giving you a fleeting sense of control. It's like a compulsion and/or feeding an addiction, and it's definitely a bad habit you need to break if you wish to see the sun some day.

 

You know this, but it's hard to do. However, sometimes the hardest things in life are the best things for us, and we can and will discover this if we let time do its work, but staying in contact is just continually stabbing that already blistering wound. Don't do it. You need to find the strength to stop what you're doing. You are torturing yourself with your current ways. Think of yourself as the alcoholic and he's the drink. You can't have just a little sip and hope to be okay. You need to avoid it altogether and get sober. And there are plenty of people who have been alcoholics for 3 yrs and have gotten sober. Even if it feels impossible since you've been stuck in the same rut for what may feel like ages, you can get out of this rut, but you need to be willing to contend with the agony you'll face in finally confronting your emotions without the false temporarily band aid effect of your continued contact with him. You must contend with the pain on your own to move thru it.

 

Six months of nc is not enough time so it's not that it didn't work, but you didn't give it time to play out to see where life would take you. Healing can take a long time. There is no set time frame for when you will feel recovered, but you will only get there if you stop doing what your doing. You need to let the tape play out and stop trying to control the situation and your emotions by keeping in contact with him. It's hurting you severely.

 

The good news is you CAN get thru this and you do not need to take your life. If you stop all communication with him now, I guarantee you in 10 yrs from now you'll be in a better place and he will be a mere blip on the radar. GUARANTEE. However, you must take the first step and go full no contact. At the same time, you must recognize that this is the only way. Like an addict finally admitting he/she needs rehab. Your rehab is no contact.

 

And that doesn't mean that no contact is going to make you feel better all of a sudden. It's still going to hurt, and that hurt may linger for a long time. You need to accept it and allow it, and you will get through it.

 

Your heart is not this faulty mechanism. It is strong, but you have to trust in the process and not try to rush it and/or superficially band aid your wounds.

 

Suicide is another band aid approach. You must face your emotions. I struggle with this too, but it is the bottom line truth.

 

Yeah, it's definitely like an addiction. I guess what frightens me is that I'll go no contact and still be plagued by thoughts of him forever, like he'll become even larger than life in my eyes. Also, I'll be left with all this curiosity about his life, like whether he has a girlfriend, how his career is doing. That's what happened those six months of no contact. Does the curiosity and comparing of our lives ever go away, really? There's this

 

The internet makes it so hard to put people to rest. One of my worst vices is google stalking. I'm pretty good at it because it applies to my job, but I often abuse it to my own detriment. For example, I was able to track down the minimal presence of the girl he was dating only knowing her (very common) first name and her major in college. Part of me feels like it would be more painful to find out that he's married three years from now by googling his name vs. hearing from him over the phone first. Am I wrong on this?

[tuxedo cat]

I agree in this instance - immediate and complete end to all communication and no checking up on him.

 

I'd also echo what clam said above - the moment I read that he'd treated his short flings well I thought "yeah right." There's a reason he hasn't had anything since, and it's not that he doesn't want to, and getting nowhere doesn't come from treating ppl well. His short flings were probably all women who ran the other direction.

 

There's an element of hero worship still going on with this guy that you'll have to get over sooner or later. I know the fact that it's irrational doesn't make it any easier to overcome, but stopping contact will help.

 

He always had some excuse for the fling not working out. One girl didn't want a relationship with him, just wanted to date without commitment, and he abruptly decided he didn't want to see her anymore when he tried to tell her about a dream he had once and she said she wasn't interested. Another girl was living 8 hours away and would only see him every other weekend and he claims she was also too "extroverted" and "external" for his liking. The final girl he met weeks before he was moving and claimed it would have been serious if the timing hadn't been bad.

[tuxedo cat]

You need to stop with the self pity, that's number one.

 

Number two, you have to realize that you are doing all of this to yourself.

You decided to break up with him.

You decided to get back in touch with him.

 

Happiness comes from within. You can be happy with him & you can be happy without him. However, staying in this grey area will do you no good.

 

Either give it another shot or rip the band aid off and remove him completely.

 

I can't be with him again, even if I wanted to. He is no longer interested in me. I lost my chance. To be more accurate I suggested we take a break at the end of our relationship because I was so exhausted by his constant ups and downs and he immediately jumped at the opportunity and said "no, let's just break up." And even though I know I'd take him back because I'm weak when it comes to him, it would be bad for me. He would probably treat me even worse than he did before because he knows he could get away with it.

 

I agree that I've placed myself in a grey area and I just need to pull the band aid off. But the question remains - even if I go no contact will I be able to move on? That's what scares me.

[xxoo]

Fall in love with something else (not necessarily someone else). Create goodness in your life such that you aren't tempted to waste a moment thinking about him.

[tuxedo cat]

Tuxedo Cat my friend, you are caught in a trap with your ex - a psychological trap that has immobilized you emotionally and rationally and maybe even physically (stress can shut down the body's immune system and other functions to the point where stress makes people really sick - insomnia, no appetite, constant anxiety, acid reflux, constant state of being in hyper vigilance).

 

Have you ever seen a therapist about your ex-bf and the hold he has over you psychologically? If you already tried 6 months of no contact and that didn't severe you from him, then I think you need a trained counselor to help you release yourself from the trap you find yourself immobilized by.

 

 

 

 

Toxic exes are like fox hunters in that they sometimes will chase their prey (you their ex) into a corner to trap you into staying in contact with them, so that you will pay attention to them and feed their ego when their ego juices run low. You are there to refill his ego tank with the attention you give him.

 

The only way you can stop doing that is to learn how to stop doing that. And if you tried on your own and failed, then you need to go see someone who can teach you how to severe ties with your ex psychologically so that you are not trapped and immobilized in a corner anymore, like a frightened fox.

 

Thanks, Writergal. I actually have been trying to see a therapist for awhile without luck. I'm on NY state insurance because I can't afford a better plan with the crazy price of living here. In the course of the last couple of months I've called every provider on my list. The vast majority of them haven't gotten back to me and most of the handful that have either don't actually take my insurance (the list is apparently out of date) or they're not accepting new patients. So far I've only found two therapists willing to see me. I saw one lady twice and she was nice but not a great therapist. She seemed really unknowledgeable - I told her the name of the antidepressant I'm on (it's one of the most commonly prescribed ones - we're talking like Prozac level popular) and she'd never heard of it. I thought that was a big red flag. She also is basically just a student working on her Master's. When she didn't work out I saw this guy last week. Again, a nice guy but he spent 80% of our session talking about his hobbies and interests, and not even in some sort of life-lesson way. Neither of them were people I felt at all comfortable opening up to. I've seen a bunch of other therapists in the past for a session or few (but never stuck with them), so I know that these two are not the norm. Today my mother sent me the name of a local therapy group and said she'd be willing to lend me some money in order to cover it. I'm not going to give up on getting help.

Edited September 13, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[writergal]

Thanks, Writergal. I actually have been trying to see a therapist for awhile without luck. I'm on NY state insurance because I can't afford a better plan with the crazy price of living here. In the course of the last couple of months I've called every provider on my list. The vast majority of them haven't gotten back to me and most of the handful that have either don't actually take my insurance (the list is apparently out of date) or they're not accepting new patients. So far I've only found two therapists willing to see me. I saw one lady twice and she was nice but not a great therapist. She seemed really unknowledgeable - I told her the name of the antidepressant I'm on (it's one of the most commonly prescribed ones - we're talking like Prozac level popular) and she'd never heard of it. I thought that was a big red flag. She also is basically just a student working on her Master's. When she didn't work out I saw this guy last week. Again, a nice guy but he spent 80% of our session talking about his hobbies and interests, and not even in some sort of life-lesson way. Neither of them were people I felt at all comfortable opening up to. I've seen a bunch of other therapists in the past for a session or few (but never stuck with them), so I know that these two are not the norm. Today my mother sent me the name of a local therapy group and said she'd be willing to lend me some money in order to cover it. I'm not going to give up on getting help.

 

Yeeesh, sounds like you've tried to connect with some good therapists but no luck so far. Keep trying. And post here when you need to. I'm glad to hear that you're not giving up on getting help regarding your ex-bf.

[tuxedo cat]

You're seeking the validation of someone who treated you poorly. What would it mean to you to win his approval? His loyalty? His love?

 

That's what you're chasing, but you'll never get it from him. You can give it to yourself. And when you give it to yourself, you'll be disgusted by him.

 

I was speaking with someone about this today. I kind of unpacked what it is that he gave me that I can't seem to move past.

 

When I met M he was a 25-year-old college dropout living at home with no work history or goals (I pulled him out of that situation, but that's another story). I was also in a bad place, although not quite so bad. I was mostly just lonely, living in a town where I didn't have many friends and recently had ended another meaningful relationship.

 

He indoctrinated me in all of these beliefs about the world that he had. I'd say 70% of our relationship consisted of him just lecturing me on stuff, and I saw him as mentor of sorts in addition to boyfriend. One of the stickiest beliefs that really became important to my identity was that he and I were in this kind of secret society together, that we were special and the rest of the world was bad. He never explicitly said this but he constantly implied it by criticizing everyone around us, saying how much he hated people, saying how I was different from any girl he'd ever met, how I was the only person on earth he could really relate to.

 

At first I was jarred and annoyed by his misanthropy. I have social issues of my own but they have more to do with anxiety than disdain for others. I really crave social connection, and I've been isolated pretty much all of my life as a result of my anxiety. I guess he made me feel okay about my isolation, like it was a choice, and that I only needed him because the rest of the world was wrong and wouldn't understand me. He also made me feel special, like I had certain qualities that only he could appreciate and that he needed so much that he couldn't be with anyone else. After feeling all of my life like I was defective because I couldn't connect with people, he suddenly gave me hope that my isolation had nothing to do with my personal failings.

 

When I moved to NY and he cut contact with me (he was living here too and he cut me off days before I moved after using me as an emotional tampon for months before), I was completely alone. He was literally the only person I knew here. I spent months drifting around, trying to find work and connect with people, and having no success. We weren't speaking at the time but those things he had told me when we were close haunted me. Whenever I was feeling lonely, I would long for that bond, that feeling of specialness that he gave me.

I still long for it, despite myself.

 

Only later did I realize that the worldview he had convinced me of was also his way of rationalizing his own isolation. I guess I always kind of knew that it was but hoped he really did just find me that special. I realized that recently, half a year ago, when we started talking again and he told me about the friends he had made. They were people who shared none of the values he had always claimed were important to him in others. The girls he dated were likewise completely different from the ideals he had espoused. He suddenly was telling me things like he didn't need to be with someone who was intelligent or even had anything in common with him. That's fine but it was such an extreme change from everything he had said that he wanted in the past. Thinking back on it I finally realize that his previous worldview was just a flimsy way of protecting himself, and as soon as his fortunes changed and he felt more socially connected he discarded it. Since I've known him I've witnessed his beliefs adapt rapidly to justify whatever situation he's in. He takes on the interests and values of whoever happens to be around him.

 

So that leaves me feeling betrayed and abandoned, because he hammered this worldview so deep into me but it turned out being just a passing phase for him. I feel like I was deceived and led down the wrong path and now I'm alone. It's hard to explain, but that's the core of why I've struggled to get over him.

 

I've forgotten how to appreciate other people, because I'm still brainwashed by this belief that they're not as special as he is. And I feel jealous and inferior when he tells me how much fun he's having with people who he has nothing in common with. I beat up on myself for not being a normal, functioning adult who can relax and kick back with others all the time, who can't just get on with those around them and always needs to pick the one person in the group who is similar.

Edited September 13, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[jen1447]

I agree that I've placed myself in a grey area and I just need to pull the band aid off. But the question remains - even if I go no contact will I be able to move on? That's what scares me.

 

Yes you will, but it may take longer than six months to really start.

 

NC is virtually a guaranteed fix if you can apply it 100%, bc it ensures that he eventually leaves the top of your mind. When you've got nothing to fuel that fire it eventually dies down. The fact is tho you've inadvertently kept him in the forefront and stalled your healing.

 

I don't personally think NC is ever the ideal solution bc it's like carpet bombing meds instead of fixing the actual problem, but in your case it's far preferable to keeping this guy at the forefront, and you can't expect any actual resolution from him anyway. NC will allow you to grow scar tissue overtop of the injury he caused you eventually. Unsightly scar tissue, but it's better than no scar tissue.

 

Please start it immediately. And if you need someone to beat him up in the meantime, let me know.

[tuxedo cat]

Yes you will, but it may take longer than six months to really start.

 

NC is virtually a guaranteed fix if you can apply it 100%, bc it ensures that he eventually leaves the top of your mind. When you've got nothing to fuel that fire it eventually dies down. The fact is tho you've inadvertently kept him in the forefront and stalled your healing.

 

I don't personally think NC is ever the ideal solution bc it's like carpet bombing meds instead of fixing the actual problem, but in your case it's far preferable to keeping this guy at the forefront, and you can't expect any actual resolution from him anyway. NC will allow you to grow scar tissue overtop of the injury he caused you eventually. Unsightly scar tissue, but it's better than no scar tissue.

 

Please start it immediately. And if you need someone to beat him up in the meantime, let me know.

 

I hope you're right! I remember there was this member named Sedgwick who hasn't posted in years. She was dumped by this guy and struggled to get over him and maintained that she would never love again. The first time I saw her threads it had just been a year so her recovery seemed normal. Then more years started passing. I think the last time she posted on here it had been like seven or eight years and she was still completely obsessed with him. The kicker is this whole time she was no contact, AND she did everything they tell you to do - made new friends, got into therapy, worked out, volunteered, traveled. The only thing she didn't do is date again. I think about her sometimes and worry I'll turn out that way. That's my biggest fear.

Edited September 13, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[jen1447]

You won't turn out that way hon. I promise.

[bluefeather]

I think about her sometimes and worry I'll turn out that way. That's my biggest fear.

 

What you fear, you attract. But what you love, you also attract. What kind of person do you love? Surely, not a person like this. Not a person who hides behind a supposedly outspoken perspective of life, and then quickly changes attitude when it is suitable - a fake. Tell me, was it spirituality? Or maybe :gasp: conspiracy theories? Because if it is, I've got many stories that I could share with you. I'm sure other people out there do as well.

 

This world is massive. The universe is massive. What I mean to say is that you do not have to think you are alone out there, or that you and just one other person think or thought a certain way.

 

It sounds like you didn't know anything about fighting, and were taught martial arts by a student. Go find a master. Or better yet, become one, yourself.

 

Are my words making sense to you? You put this person on a pedestal. The pedestal is one foot tall. It looks very high for you because you are lying down.

 

Stand up.

[xxoo]

Since I've known him I've witnessed his beliefs adapt rapidly to justify whatever situation he's in. He takes on the interests and values of whoever happens to be around him.

 

I'm not surprised by this one bit, and in fact I would have predicted it. He's a social manipulator, and he mirrors those around him to get what he wants and needs.

 

Read this: Assessment, Seducing and Mirroring | Dating a Sociopath

 

Just as he is mirroring them, he was mirroring you. He was tapping into your core need for approval and feeling special. And it worked brilliantly.

 

You put this person on a pedestal. The pedestal is one foot tall. It looks very high for you because you are lying down.

 

Stand up.

 

This is a profound analogy.

 

Healing that need for approval and feeling genuinely comfortable with yourself is "standing up". When you do, from that perspective, he will seem terribly small and insignificant.