TheCamel Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Hi, I am new here. A little background about my situation: I live with my girlfriend and ever since our daughter was born three years ago, our sex drive has diminished significantly. Now, I understand that initially, this is quite common for women who have given birth. But this is three years later and what bothers me more than the lack of sex (I'd estimate we have sex about 10 times a year, and we used to be very intimate) is trying to get an answer as to why this is happening. Whenever I try to initiate some physical intimacy, I'm invariably told that she's tired. "Tomorrow" is a very common (and never truthful) answer. I'm getting frustrated with the b.s. excuses more than anything. It makes me think there could be someone else or who knows what, but no one is tired every single day. And if they are, they would find time earlier when they're not tired, I'd think. Recently, she went out with some of her friends and stayed out pretty late (which is rare, so that's fine), so I teased her when she got home that clearly she isn't tired, so we can have some fun. She said sure, went to the bathroom, cleaned up, got changed, came to bed and when I put my hands on her and started kissing her, she said "Not now, I had too much to drink and don't feel well." I almost don't even care if we have sex anymore; I just want her to tell me the real reason(s). When I imply that she's not telling me what the problem is, she gets upset. How do I get her to be honest? Do I smell? Is there another guy? Anything...just quit with the "I'm tired" crap.
guild11 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I suggest you to talk with her, just tell her about the sex part, do it without anger or demands. If you are initiating then do it in unusual way.
BikerAccnt Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I almost don't even care if we have sex anymore; I just want her to tell me the real reason(s). When I imply that she's not telling me what the problem is, she gets upset. How do I get her to be honest? Do I smell? Is there another guy? Anything...just quit with the "I'm tired" crap. Sorry to hear about this. She may be telling you the truth, she may not know herself why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Or, she does, but doesn't want to hurt you. I put up with that for 6 years - and no sex at all - before I left. You need to let her know how important a part of the relationship this is to you, and if she still won't do anything about it (as my ex didn't) then you have a decision to make. sorry
GemmaUK Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 How often do you have date nights initiated by you since the little one was born? Once or twice a week which is pretty normal or is it a lot less than that?
bachdude Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 The way to intimacy with a wife or long term partner is through her heart. It's a process you need to initiate long before she gets ready for bed. It starts with romancing her. Try this, Give her a massage Monday. Turn on her favorite slow dance song on Tuesday and ask her to dance. Do the laundry and vacuum on Wed.. Write a love letter for Thursday. Plan a real date for Friday, including finding a babysitter. That just might get the ball rolling. Let me know how it goes.
spiderowl Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Sorry to hear of your situation. Three-year-olds are exhausting so there is likely to be a lot of truth in that, but never to want sex seems a bit more than tiredness. Is she resentful about anything with you? Do you and she argue a lot? Resentment is a big turn-off. Are you always trying to be sexual but not being affectionate? A friend of mine who divorced her husband complained that he never just hugged her; he was always angling for sex. Obviously there was a problem between them but that didn't help.
Author TheCamel Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Thanks for all the advice. I do try to do things "through her heart," as bachdude mentioned. I get her gifts, give her massages, etc. Perhaps I need to be a bit more creative. It's not like I just want sex from her; we have a family, but I think an important part of any relationship is intimacy. As for BikerAccnt saying I may have a decision to make, perhaps that'll be true someday, but for now I cannot envision a scenario where it would be bad enough that I'd want to be away from our daughter. But I know it happens and people with kids do split.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 Easy: She either has; a physical issue, an emotional issue, a mental issue, or she's no longer in love with you & possibly never really was, or she lesbian. Normal healthy people in love naturally want to share their bodies with each other. It's that simple. If you can't deal with a functionally sexless marriage, give her an ultimatum & then divorce her when she blows it off. She's been telling you by her actions for 3 years that you touching her body revolts her. I wouldn't have waited 3 days (after a few months of post partum healing) before dealing with it. A sexless marriage is not normal for most. 1
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