Author ChicagoSparty Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 It sounds like the problems you had with your ex wife, you feel like this new girl will do the same to you. Maybe you guys can compromise on the marriage. Maybe she can have the ring and ceremony but can do without the licence. Maybe for kids, you guys can talk about having kids in the future depending on her age after being together for xx amount of time. If you aren't going to budge 100% and she isn't going to budge 100%, then it's not going to work. Interesting on the marriage....and I've thought about that. Regarding the kids...she's 37, I'm 41. I know that doesn't put us out of kid range, but it's close. And I'm not going to have a kid with somebody if the relationship is sort of all over the place.
Author ChicagoSparty Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Maybe. Maybe not. You know her, you, and her-and-you better than we do. All I know, is what you write: You've indicated she's perfectly willing to sacrifice having children of her own to be with you; you've indicated she's perfectly willing to NOT get married, since you don't want to. You indicated when you bring up breaking up, she cries. Reads like she'll be perfectly willing to go along with your next phase in Your Perfect Life's Plan: coming and seeing you a couple of times each summer...maybe even making the visits over long weekends. I mean, why wouldn't she give up just a little more TO stay in a relationship...errr, I mean...to continue living with you (for 9 months out of the year)? I get it. YOU get it's not right and it's not working, but you don't want to be The Bad Guy who ends it; it would be so much easier (on you) if she'd just come to her senses, huh? I don't really know if she's OK with those sacrifices. She says she is, but she had a breakdown a few weeks ago because she realizes she'll never have kids at this point. Just saying she's ok doesn't make her ok. The potential for huge resentment is there. There are other issues, too. Low self-esteem, low self-efficacy. Doom and gloom a lot of times. It's exhausting. I wouldn't give up because of those things, because I know that they can be largely experiential. I always think with the right kind of support and caring in a relationship, people can move past that stuff. She hasn't yet. And I think that's a lot of it....I'm starting to think, if that hasn't gotten better at this point, when will it? I don't know if it's a matter of me not wanting to be the bad guy. I'm good with who I am and don't worry about how I'm perceived. I just want to make good decisions for the right reasons.
adiamond Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Interesting on the marriage....and I've thought about that. Regarding the kids...she's 37, I'm 41. I know that doesn't put us out of kid range, but it's close. And I'm not going to have a kid with somebody if the relationship is sort of all over the place. Maybe talk about adoption in the future? I think she feels like you're not going to give her what she wants but in the moment of, omg he's going to break up with me, she's clinging on to everything she can and saying she can give everything up to hold on to you. If you wait this out and if she honestly wants to have children and marriage she might break up with you in the future instead if you don't budge on anything.
Tayla Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 After reading some past post and topics, I think its best to move along. She deserves to have choices that are more accomodating to her life goals. I'm sure you are a swell chap,who simply wants to enjoy the light side of dating and relationships...that is yours to also come to terms with.
Author ChicagoSparty Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Maybe talk about adoption in the future? I think she feels like you're not going to give her what she wants but in the moment of, omg he's going to break up with me, she's clinging on to everything she can and saying she can give everything up to hold on to you. If you wait this out and if she honestly wants to have children and marriage she might break up with you in the future instead if you don't budge on anything. Man....I just don't know if I can support another kid. Maybe more from an emotional point of view than financial, although financial is a real concern. Her family has a ton of money, and if she had a kid, she would never have to worry about anything. But still. If she adopts, de facto we adopt, and if the relationship were to fail after that, I've got another kid to support. I'm not trying to go out like Shawn Kemp. The other thing with kids....I would feel TERRIBLE for my kids if she and I had a kid. I only have them ~30% of the time. We have amazing relationships. But I would feel bad if one of my kids was with me 100% of the time. It just seems like it would be unfair to them. Weird thought, but real.
Author ChicagoSparty Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 I'm sure you are a swell chap,who simply wants to enjoy the light side of dating and relationships...that is yours to also come to terms with. That is an interesting point (and sub-point). I thought that's what I was doing. Then one day, I woke up, and it was a relationship. I'm usually much better at and quicker to break these things off before they get serious. Not sure how I mis-stepped on this one. Being in a serious, potentially life-long relationship was clearly not a goal. Post-divorce, I found a lot of value in having freedom. Some days, I miss that....although not tremendously. But I do sometimes I would feel better off being relieved of the responsibility of a relationship. I already have a TON on my plate as it is. As to your sub-point....I've already come to terms with it. I'm good with who I am, I don't need to be in a relationship, and I'm a pretty independent person. More importantly...I've always been upfront with women about that. For whatever reason, they don't seem to care. But I definitely am ok with my stance on dating. I don't owe the world being in a relationship.
Holmes85 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 ChicagoSparty, I still stand by what I said in my original post and reading your replies afterwards confirms me what I've previously said. I do see her fitting in to my life long-term. then you say Maybe we CAN figure out how to communicate together. I don't know...I really don't. I don't see her as being a problem in the relationship, not at all, from what you have written, it's pretty clear to me that she wants to be with you. And you have cooked up a bunch of things to justify what you are doing is right. Let me be honest with you, yo are not here because you love her and seek advice, you are here because "you" are confused and "you" are looking for many people to tell you that what you are doing is justified, so you feel less guilty and pull the trigger. Here is an example and a reflection of yourself and not of her Originally Posted by Tayla View Post I'm sure you are a swell chap,who simply wants to enjoy the light side of dating and relationships...that is yours to also come to terms with. That is an interesting point (and sub-point). I thought that's what I was doing. Then one day, I woke up, and it was a relationship. I'm usually much better at and quicker to break these things off before they get serious. Dude stop beating around the bush, she deserves someone better, not someone who has his one foot out of the door and the other one in out of guilty. Of course it would hurt her and I hope she finds the strength in time to pick herself up. You should continue with your lifestyle and the whatever goals you have in your mind that you want to achieve. Good Luck To You
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