GirlThatCares Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I had been seeing this guy for a little over a month. Last night we were having a fun evening of watching football and drinking, when out of nowhere, he brought up a night where we went out with friends and I had asked him to not flirt with other girls in front of me cuz it made me uncomfortable. We're not exclusive, so I told him he can do whatever he wants when I'm not around. Apparently, my request bothered him. He drunkenly rambled on how he doesn't want a relationship with anyone as he wants to flirt with girls whenever he feels like it and not be tied down. I didn't say anything and he abruptly changed the subject. When the game ended, I called a cab instead of sleeping over at his house like I usually do. He asked what was wrong and I just gave him a kiss, told him that I'm tired and preferred my own bed this time. I proceeded to cry all the way home. A few days prior to this, his close friends pulled me aside and gushed about how much this guy likes me and not to break his heart. He also tells me daily how much he enjoys being with me. I should be glad he told me his true intentions, but now I'm just confused and sad. I decided this morning at work that I don't want to see him anymore to avoid getting more attached and hurt. I'm not sure how to tell him in a non-emotional manner. TLDR: How to tell a guy to politely piss off without letting him know that I'm sad about it?
RightThere Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 TLDR: How to tell a guy to politely piss off without letting him know that I'm sad about it? Tell him you're looking for something more serious than he's ready for right now. 5
Versacehottie Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Is that really what you want to do? Break it off with him? Doesn't sound like it. If you don't want to break it off with him, why not find another solution rather than do something you will regret? 1
LilaMarie Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) I would say, "I understand we are not exclusive but I find it disrespectful when you flirt with other women while we are on a date, for that reason I think it's best we go our separate ways". If he is truly into you he will change... You sound very smart. Even though it saddens you, you know what the smart thing to do is. That's what dating is for...so we can weed out the bad ones. Good luck Edited September 11, 2015 by LilaMarie 1
katiegrl Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Is that really what you want to do? Break it off with him? Doesn't sound like it. If you don't want to break it off with him, why not find another solution rather than do something you will regret? I dunno V, when a guy you are dating ... and either in (or hoping to have) a relationship with .... says he is not wanting a relationship, he wants to be able to flirt with whomever he wants and not be tied down, what else is there to do but end it? What would you suggest she do other than end it? I value your opinion, so am really curious about that... It has only been a month. Better to walk away now, rather than stick it out *hoping* he changes his mind....don't you think? 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Tell him you're looking for something more serious than he's ready for right now. I wish my ex meant these words when she said them before, This is the best response IMO, it lets him know you want more! 1
losangelena Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 It seems like the guy was honest with you, OP, in the fact that he said that your boundary (please don't flirt with other women in front of me) bothered him. But does that mean it bothered him and he's not willing to agree to it? Or does it just bother him? It seems like he cut himself off mid-thought. If you do want to end it, I'd say you don't have to tell him at all, just fade out of his life. I agree with Versace, it doesn't necessarily sound like you want to end it. But at the same time this guy sounds like a Luddite. He had to ask you what's wrong as you left? Really? I will say, it's better to find out the scope of someone's emotional abilities early on as opposed to much later in the game. Yes, it stings but it's not the end of the world. You sound smart and with it; I'm sure someone better will come along soon. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I dunno V, when a guy you are dating ... and either in (or hoping to have) a relationship with .... says he is not wanting a relationship, he wants to be able to flirt with whomever he wants and not be tied down, what else is there to do but end it? What would you suggest she do other than end it? I value your opinion, so am really curious about that... It has only been a month. Better to walk away now, rather than stick it out *hoping* he changes his mind....don't you think? Oh you are totally right. I don't know what she should do exactly. I think right now though she hasn't thought it through and actually this response is in retaliation not what she really wants to do. I think unless she makes that decision from a place of where she thinks she is better than this treatment, she will feel regret. Maybe I've misunderstood her position. I might be getting my threads mixed up but if this is the one where his friends have also been saying how much he likes her and he is also saying how much he enjoys time with her AND the talk about not flirting with other girls happened bar night, drinking, partying, I'm guessing it was bad on both ends. And it was probably not good or right time to get that message across. We are only hearing her side of it. Sometimes when jealousy is involved, we are getting really only very biased part of the story. I think she's talking from emotion now. You know how guys dig their heels in when girls are being crazy and irrational about jealousy. She could be 100% accurate on her read about him. The whole thing sounded immature. But I don't believe she's ready to let him go. I'll have to go back and look at her original post to see the underlying tone of why I think that.
Versacehottie Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 TLDR: How to tell a guy to politely piss off without letting him know that I'm sad about it? Ok, I did misunderstand. Maybe they were just drinking AT HOME, rehashing a previous night. She sounds rational enough and good decision in light of his position. However, in her bolded part I guess that's where I'm getting the idea that she is doing this without 100% being behind her own decision. I think, OP, just speak from the heart and point of honesty. Tell him calmly that the previous night's discussion didn't sit well with you. You don't see a point in dating someone who has the belief that he can flirt with other girls in front of you, which is disrespectful. So unfortunately won't be able to keep dating you since I don't want to get hurt or invest in someone that has such a difference of opinion about this. We unfortunately are not on same page. I don't think she should be worried about telling him or letting him see that she is sad if she was not trying to salvage the relationship. Otherwise it doesn't matter. OP, the tone of your discussion with him (if this is what you are deciding to do) should be matter of fact and decisive. It's ok to be sad and vulnerable that it didn't work out. If you don't really want to break up with him, we will have to come up with a better strategy. I agree though with katie. It sounds pretty sucky.
Maggie4 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 A gentleman does not flirt with other girls when he is out with a lady, no matter what their relationship is. Even if you're just friends, you can make requests, that doesn't mean you're controlling him. He needs to understand that. Think about if you care for him and treasure him as a person. If you do, then you don't toss him away just because he doesn't fulfill your relationship needs. That would be like a guy tossing a girl away just because she won't sleep with him. It's good that you spoke up to him about not flirting. Stand your ground, and at the same time don't let your relationship goal create stress for yourself. I think the stress contributed to your crying that night.
Qboro90 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Your request for him not to flirt with other girls while you're around is completely valid and you shouldn't have to apologize for that. Him trying to have his cake and eat it too is where you stand up for yourself and say "Listen i understand if that is your prerogative and you want to flirt and meet other girls then by all means do so. I'm just not the kind of girl that's going to not require a certain level of respect from a guy that Im seeing/hooking up with/ whatever you wanna call it." It's childish for him to think that a girl would be fine and dandy watching the guy she's hooked up with or been talking to, openly flirt with other girls in front of you or while you're at the same place. Don't let him force you to accept this. You make the rules. If he wants to flirt and be single then that's fine you won't be mad or hold a grudge, you're just not gonna hang around with a smile on your face waiting like a trained pet.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 A gentleman does not flirt with other girls when he is out with a lady, no matter what their relationship is. Even if you're just friends, you can make requests, that doesn't mean you're controlling him. He needs to understand that. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. This is a RESPECT issue. Was this fool raised by a pack of wolves in the wild and doesn't even understand the most common tenets of human decency and respect?' When a guy says something you don't want to hear - believe him. The alcohol loosened his tongue and took away his inhibition and he told you how he feels. But if you bring up what he said, he'll just blame it on the booze and claim he doesn't feel that way and blah blah blah. But the real reason would be because he likes getting sex on the regular - hell, he doesn't even have to drive you home, you pay for a cab. That's a sweet deal he's not going to give up while he continues 'flirting' with the ladies and being the big, single stud that he is. 1
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