dac50 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Hello Everyone!! I am new to the forum!! I really need help!!! I hope my post is in the right area here and IF this is a inappropriate post please have the moderator remove it or move it to the appropriate place Thank You!!! here is the short version of my problem...... First I am a guy 50 divorced for (4) years and my friend is 41 she is divorced as well. we met 5 months ago on a dating website and to my surprise she is very nice, very honest, a decent person that would do anything for you!! we get along well and enjoy ea others company.That is all the good!! she really is a great person I LIKE HER VERY MUCH.. I have been honest from the start and told her from day 1 that I like my independence and I cannot promise her anything accept being a great friend to her! it could change, but for now I just want to be good friends!! she KNOWS THIS and is ok with it............. the problem................ we have started a sexual relationship and at first I freaked out I feel like I used her I told her that RIGHT AWAY but being that we get along so well, and are great friends , we are still engaging in that activity and I struggle with it alot and she knows because I tell her!! That is one thing I like about her is I feel like I can talk to her!! Even though I tell her every time we cant keep doing this!! and I want to be friends! and not mislead with intimacy and feelings that can cause problems!! my heart is in the right place. BUT It is so tough to refuse the intimacy I know we should not do it but well now at least for me its a issue. She knows exactly how I feel from my moral and personal perspective and that I also do not want to hurt her feelings!!!! she knows it and tells me all the time not to worry and she is just fine being friends. I personally think she is is hopeful that I will fall in love with her and wants to wait it out. And I do like being with her we have fun we go places joke around and have similar interests and above all shes nice and a quality person!!! I just do not know if it will go anywhere and I do not want to have her hanging around waiting on me and also I HAVE TOLD HER THIS!!!! MANY TIMES!! here are some of the the reasons I am struggling first, when you look at her dressed she looks very nice, she is a size 16 but really, she looks very nice. BUT.... at one time she was over 375 pounds and her tummy has several huge amounts of sagging skin and it is very unattractive. so, where we are intimate if I don't focus on her middle its ok, (pretty good actually) she has a pacemaker because when she was heavier it caused some health issues.So, she most likely will not be able to exercise that middle because of her heart. so here is where we are now just last week she said "" I love you"" I sincerely and honestly was not and am not looking for sexual encounters or to mislead anyone!! I feel ashamed, upset, and as hard as I try to not so that we wind up doing it!! My heart is in the right place I just cannot get my head in the right place!! (I also do not want to stop seeing her because she is really nice!!! and we do go out and do other fun things. ) I do not want to hurt her feelings or lead her on thinking things that may or may not happen.. I do not want her to wait on me but shes content so far to do so. I like her a WHOLE LOT!!! she is very nice a super lady!! I just cant help that I don't have that love thing going....... and....... she even said I have been 100% upfront! so I don't feel like I have mislead her at all..... I have not told her about how I feel that she looks undressed from the front I am sure though she knows as you can see it!!! I also tried to give her oral just once but all the rolls of skin really turn me off from doing that so I never tried again and she never asked why... I can only assume she knows? here is where I need help! I try every time she comes by to NOT start to get intimate!! and sometimes we can accomplish that,I tell her when we "do it" how bad I feel because I like her but am not in love... she says shes ok with it but I am not... but why the heck do we do this almost every time she comes to visit... I hate myself for it!! In my defense I do tell her she knows my moral character, and my desires ect... but all those go out the window once we start getting intimate!!! ugh!! I hate it because it feels so good!! and she is sooooooooooo honest!! very nice and a great person!!! I also think her middle area thats so unattractive doesn't help, I try to overlook it its hard to do BUT....... she is attractive otherwise and in public she does not look bad at all! and when we are intimate if I don't focus on that area its good. I feel bad we are doing what were doing but its a enjoyable habit that is hard to break............ any advice?? I shutter at the thought of telling her that her middle area is a turn off.. I would not want to hurt her feelings!!! I am so glad she isn't demanding oral from me I just couldn't do it........... I also want to stop the sexual relationship and concentrate on being good friends!!! AND SHE KNOWS THAT TOO!! but its now hard to do. I was just looking for a friend and was upfront about that from day 1 and now look, It is all messed up. on the occasion that she comes by and we go out and spend time out then she goes home I consider that a victory! because that is how I REALLY want to treat her. How can I fix this??? Although I must say even if she was a model thin lady I STILL do not want a huge relationship and to my credit I was VERY CLEAR from day one............. one day perhaps I will want that but for now I just want a real good friendship. I also tell her often that she should find someone that will give her back the feelings she gives me!!! and we would still be great friends....but, she doesn't want to, she likes me and does not want to meet or date anyone. any advice is appreciated!!!! sorry this post was so long!!
BlueBlood Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I guess I'm differently wired or something but I have never ended up sleeping with someone whom I did not want to sleep with. Like ever. Like there is no chance in the world of me meeting up with someone and just oops, sleeping with them. Not when I was single, sure as hell not once I was in a committed relationship. So just stop having sex with her. I, as an adult, am in control of my sexuality, not the other way around. The fact you can't even orally pleasure her due to your disgust over her body is pretty much making me annoyed. If you feel so put off by part of her stop using her for sex. No one wants a lover that is repulsed by their body. No. One. Full stop. I'm just not buying this woe is me I can't help myself from having sex crap. go get some counseling, and remember no penis ever tripped and fell into a vagina. 2
mrldii Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Yup, yup. As BlueBlood said, either you're a grown [moral] man or you're not; either you have a moral grip on your wayward penis, or you don't. While asking others to give you a hand with your problem could help, it's better if you maintain a firm grip on your penis, wherever it goes. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
Author dac50 Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I agree with some of your response and thank you for the reply!!! I do like this lady, shes very nice and I am trying to overlook alot of things. This is why I want to see her as she is very nice and a good person.......BUT... you cannot force falling in love, Perhaps it will happen but I am really wanting to be a great friend to her........ some people have a easier time with sex, intimacy than others do... I never said I cant control it....... its just difficult to do
coryreply Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I agree with the others, dac. You have to make up your mind to get things under control. You are responsible for your actions. Right now you're sending her mixed signals. It doesn't matter how many times you remind her that you are in this thing for the friendship. When you sleep with her, you're telling her that you want to be with her. At least that's what she's taking away from it. Set the boundaries and stick to them. If she doesn't like it, she'll move on. Good luck. 1
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